betterdeal Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I mean, do you go meet someone separately from your social, work, familial life and go to dinner and stuff like that? Seems *completely* alien to me. Getting to know each other as friends first is much better for me. No pressure to live up to someone else's ideals; get to know each other's nuances and rhythms; see how you both behave in different scenarios; and no need for a "do or die" attitude to it all. Is that unusual?
Kamille Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I don't think it's unusual, even though I prefer "official dating" at first, if only because it rules out any kind of "friend zone" or "FWB" confusion. No pressure to live up to someone else's ideals; (...) and no need for a "do or die" attitude to it all. I think there are ways to approach official dating in a friendly manner, where the two processes you mention don't come into play. First, I've learned the hard way never to twist myself into a knot so as to meet someone's ideal, whether in dating or elsewhere. In dating, it's particularly counter-productive as there is no way I could spend a whole relationship trying to meet someone else's ideals. I much prefer to be myself, letting them choose whether or not we're a real match, at the risk of not controlling the outcome of the situation. I might get rejected, but I would rather be rejected early than suffer through months of anxiety to end up being rejected anyway, once our incompatibilities come through. As to the do or die attitude, I find pacing the initial dating phase and approaching it with a friendly "let's get to know each other before we commit to anything" works for me. It allows me to just enjoy getting to know someone. Many of the men I've dated are still my friends. We dated, we figured out we were incompatible, we moved on, no hard feelings. I understand that you've identified not compartmentalizing romance is a mechanism that allows you not to feel pressured to meet ideals, or to feel like you're in a do or die situation. It works for you, so continue to use it. It just strikes me that the two processes I discussed are about your perception of the situation, the pressure you put on yourself, not outcomes that are inherent to getting to know someone romantically. I know you've done CBT, and those two beliefs about more formal dating strike me as cognitive distortions.
Author betterdeal Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Hmm. I think I just don't enjoy formal dating. It's too formal for me. You're right that those two bits you picked up on can be seen to be cognitive distortions, but having applied CBT principles in my last relationship and having been messed around a lot in that (e.g. "coincidentally" bumping into someone else she was involved with when we went to the cinema - completely contrived by her to double date us) I have to say, gut instincts need to be acknowledged.
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