phineas Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 This, it is quite normal for a guy to think and bring it up...now unless he actually starts pressuring you into, then there is an issue...just ignore it, if he is worth keeping, it will go away and he wont pressure you about it I don't think it's normal to want do this with a woman you plan on marrying. FWB sure. Fling sure. Casual dating sure. future wife? That probably wouldn't end well.
ja123 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 My feeling is that a lot of men fantasize about 2 women. But fantasy and reality are two different things. He's thinking with his d*ck and not his brain and forgetting you in the process. If he wants to live a swinger lifestyle, then fine and dandy, but he shouldn't expect you to go along with it. Sounds to me like he needs a swinger gf, and you need a one-woman man. I'd have serious doubts about continuing any kind of relationship with him, because his selfishness is likely to manifest in other ways ... perhaps even cheating on you.
Maggotface Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 For what it's worth, I've had threesomes (both two guys and another girl) and even though it wasnt horrible if I could go back in time I wouldnt have done either. I wasnt dating anyone at the time so it didnt ruin any relationships but it is awkward and not nearly as sexy as it is in your head/on video.
y2k Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) I'm not really comfortable with this at all, I am completely straight and the only reason I am even considering this is that I want to make him happy. This is a huge mistake women make. They do things that they otherwise would never even think of doing just to "make him happy". That's not healthy. Yes, you're both in a relationship, BUT you are still YOU, and you still have to have self-respect. Relationships and marriages can die and end with life moving on just fine. Your self-respect and the things you do don't die off. Such an action will be with you for the rest of your life. Relationships and marriages come and go.....your self-respect doesn't. You are not a legit bi-sexual woman. From what you've written, you have had no legit desire to ever taste a woman on your own. Why do it only for the pleasure of a man??? Plus you don't even like the idea of another woman with your current boyfriend. This means that deep inside, this "threesome" is not for you. This is ground to dump the guy as soon as possible. A man, or woman, who is legitimately in love with their partner only wishes to "be" with their partner. If that mutual desire dies, then the relationship / marriage should die too. Good luck. Edited August 22, 2011 by y2k
Author amazingmandy Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Wow I wasn't expecting to get so many responses to this, I don't know where to start besides thanking everyone for their advice. We actually had a discussion about this threesome today, and I made it very clear to him that I am uncomfortable with it and I flat out refuse to do it. He told me he was sorry for even bringing it up, and that even though he was curious, "He would change to be with me and he wouldn't want to give me up for anything." He also said, "If it makes you sad, it's not worth doing at all." So there's that. The thing that still bugs me is, is he thinking about my friend in a sexual sort of way? In which case that just makes me super uncomfortable. I talked to him about it, and he said he doesn't like her even as an acquaintance. It's that that's bothering me... why would he bring her up in a sexual way if he had no sexual attraction? Thanks for all the advice so far again.
EasyHeart Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Attention All Women: Your boyfriend wants to bang ALL of your attractive friends. ALL OF THEM. That does not mean he WILL bang them, but he will definitely THINK about it. He also thinks about banging your sister, your cousin, his third-grade teacher, the girl at the coffee shop, every woman he sees on TV, the receptionist at his dental office, the woman who sold him a pair of shoes last year, the girl who wouldn't talk to him in high school, the blonde in the red car he saw at a stoplight, the waitress who brought you dinner last night, and the girl who comes to the gym at 5:38 every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It does not mean he WILL bang them, but he will definitely THINK about it. That is all. You may now return to your life.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Attention All Women: Your boyfriend wants to bang ALL of your attractive friends. ALL OF THEM. That does not mean he WILL bang them, but he will definitely THINK about it. He also thinks about banging your sister, your cousin, his third-grade teacher, the girl at the coffee shop, every woman he sees on TV, the receptionist at his dental office, the woman who sold him a pair of shoes last year, the girl who wouldn't talk to him in high school, the blonde in the red car he saw at a stoplight, the waitress who brought you dinner last night, and the girl who comes to the gym at 5:38 every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It does not mean he WILL bang them, but he will definitely THINK about it. That is all. You may now return to your life. Attention most men, Your girlfriend wants to bang ALL of your attractive friends. ALL OF THEM. Preferrably simultaneously, while you watch. Then she wants you and ALL of your attractive friends to clean her house and do the laundry, while she watches. She also thinks about banging your dad (if she's a cougar), your brother, your cousin, and probably even your sons (if you're old), most of her college students, every man she sees on TV who doesn't have a huge gut, definately her cute gynecologist, the man who sold her the motorcycle two weeks ago, and the guy featured at last week's Poetry Slam (yea... slam THIS!!). It doesn't mean she WILL bang them, but she will definately think about it... and probably while she is having sex with you since you decided not to get good at foreplay or anything else that doesn't involve your penis. That is all. You may now return to your life.
A O Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 The thing that still bugs me is, is he thinking about my friend in a sexual sort of way? In which case that just makes me super uncomfortable. I talked to him about it, and he said he doesn't like her even as an acquaintance. It's that that's bothering me... why would he bring her up in a sexual way if he had no sexual attraction? Men don't need to like someone to be sexually attracted to them. EasyHeart isn't too far off the mark. Congrats for being able to speak your mind - that is the most important thing here. So now the issue here is his "thinking" and what that means to you. Many women, on some level, already kinda know that many men often think like this. For them, it only tends to be an issue/deal breaker if their man is being disrespectful in his views or if the woman's own sexual/emotional needs aren't being met. .
ascendotum Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 The thing that still bugs me is, is he thinking about my friend in a sexual sort of way? In which case that just makes me super uncomfortable. I talked to him about it, and he said he doesn't like her even as an acquaintance. It's that that's bothering me... why would he bring her up in a sexual way if he had no sexual attraction? It might sound a little crass when spelt out, but Easyheart laid it out for you, when it comes to the majority of men. Sorry OP, but men's appreciation of other women's sex appeal does not get corralled when he has a gf. You want a man that's passionate & virile, well, his testosterone doesn't suddenly drop when he walks out the door in the morning and spike back up when he comes home in the evening. While his thoughts may wander sometimes, you need to come to terms with this, and the fact that you have him to yourself and he loves you and has chosen to be with you. For sure I have found some of the friends of my gfs hot. I knew enough to keep those thoughts stowed in my mind. Unfortunately your bfs discussion has open up this can of worms.
make me believe Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 oh... and I would not marry him. I would never marry anyone who'd want to share me with anyone... male or female. Start looking for a new BF, unfortunately. Totally agreed. I would never marry a guy who wanted to bring another woman (or man) into our bedroom. No way. Also, Mandy, I would be super upset if he only suggested a threesome, but suggested a threesome with my best friend. It does not make sense that he allegedly doesn't like her and isn't attracted to her, yet she's the one he wanted in the room with the two of you. Ugh I would be so upset & uncomfortable with that info... It's one thing for him to think your friend is attractive, but suggesting a threesome with her is just way too much. It's totally inappropriate, and how is that NOT going to make you feel crappy and uncomfortable??
Mutant Debutante Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Dude, it's one thing to know that your bf is a man and still notices and thinks about other women. It's another thing to know he's singled out your best friend, has sexual fantasies involving her specifically, and wishes you would just relax and let him do her already...that he wishes you'd ignore being friends and act like life's a Porno and do her yourself while he watches. Even if she knows he won't do it without her permission, it's going to bug her. Believe it or not I'm pretty mellow about this stuff but bringing my bff into it would skeeve me out and make me feel a lot less secure, too. Most women I know would have trouble with it.
serial muse Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Men don't need to like someone to be sexually attracted to them. EasyHeart isn't too far off the mark. Congrats for being able to speak your mind - that is the most important thing here. So now the issue here is his "thinking" and what that means to you. Many women, on some level, already kinda know that many men often think like this. For them, it only tends to be an issue/deal breaker if their man is being disrespectful in his views or if the woman's own sexual/emotional needs aren't being met. . I'm all for being realistic and whatnot, and totally not interested in being the Thought Police. That way lies madness. But I would have to say that my guy bringing up the possibility of banging my best friend would absolutely cross the line of being disrespectful in his views. And yes, it would mean that my emotional needs aren't being met, because he is being insensitive to how I would feel in that scenario - only thinking about his needs, and not mine. Ergo, this is indeed an issue.
Richard Friedman Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 He is a very lucky guy to have a girlfriend who's so considerate that that she would even consider this..
Richard Friedman Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Attention All Women: Your boyfriend wants to bang ALL of your attractive friends. ALL OF THEM. That does not mean he WILL bang them, but he will definitely THINK about it. He also thinks about banging your sister, your cousin, his third-grade teacher, the girl at the coffee shop, every woman he sees on TV, the receptionist at his dental office, the woman who sold him a pair of shoes last year, the girl who wouldn't talk to him in high school, the blonde in the red car he saw at a stoplight, the waitress who brought you dinner last night, and the girl who comes to the gym at 5:38 every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It does not mean he WILL bang them, but he will definitely THINK about it. That is all. You may now return to your life. No sarcasm. This is true(provided said women are hot).
robertdawson Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Maybe just a fantasy but not something I would have brought up. Like someone else said, I would balk at the suggestion of having a threesome with another dude. Absolutely not.
LexiB Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 This is hilarious... I've deflected these requests very simply... I tell him that I'd be happy to accomodate his desire for a threesome with two women. but FIRST, he has to accomodate my desire for a threesome with two men. Him, me, and another man. His first response is usually "UGH!! THAT's DISGUSTING!!" and I say, "yes, that is how I feel about being with another woman.... so that is the deal. You go first." What usually follows is some discussion about how it is more 'natural' for two women to be together. And what then also follows is a discussion about how that is BS fed by male funded porn. ... and that my deal still stands... for weeks afterward, whenever we are walking through the stores, or at restaurants, I'll point out men I'd consider to invite (usually ones who are better looking than him, more physically fit, younger). That works like a charm.... Ends the discussion pretty quick. And also gives him the opportunity to put himself in my shoes and get out of his selfish 'little' mind. Ha! Sidenote: I employ a similar strategy whenever a guy asks me to do anal. I say, "surrre -as long as you're willing to let me stick a dildo up your *ss first." I always emphasize that the dildo will only be as big/thick as his member (I play fair) and that we can use plenty of lube. Surprise, surprise, no takers yet. Eh.
robertdawson Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 If he was sincere about it and once you said "no, I don't think so" stopped the discussion then whatever. If he keeps bringing it up and pressuring you tell him to cut it out. LexiB: that seems like a bit of an extreme response to anal... Some women actually like it, but I don't know of many men who do... Not totally fair.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Attention most men, Your girlfriend wants to bang ALL of your attractive friends. ALL OF THEM. Preferrably simultaneously, while you watch. Then she wants you and ALL of your attractive friends to clean her house and do the laundry, while she watches. She also thinks about banging your dad (if she's a cougar), your brother, your cousin, and probably even your sons (if you're old), most of her college students, every man she sees on TV who doesn't have a huge gut, definately her cute gynecologist, the man who sold her the motorcycle two weeks ago, and the guy featured at last week's Poetry Slam (yea... slam THIS!!). It doesn't mean she WILL bang them, but she will definately think about it... and probably while she is having sex with you since you decided not to get good at foreplay or anything else that doesn't involve your penis. That is all. You may now return to your life. :love: You rule. 1
robertdawson Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I'm actually really surprised you are considering this, even if you think it would make him happy. It would be different if the idea were at all interesting to you.
DoS Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Totally agreed. I would never marry a guy who wanted to bring another woman (or man) into our bedroom. No way. Also, Mandy, I would be super upset if he only suggested a threesome, but suggested a threesome with my best friend. It does not make sense that he allegedly doesn't like her and isn't attracted to her, yet she's the one he wanted in the room with the two of you. Ugh I would be so upset & uncomfortable with that info... It's one thing for him to think your friend is attractive, but suggesting a threesome with her is just way too much. It's totally inappropriate, and how is that NOT going to make you feel crappy and uncomfortable?? As stated by Easy Heart - a large majority of men consider banging a large majority of the women they see every day. All it takes is visual confirmation to consider banging said woman. I think the OP's mind should be at ease. Yes he chose your best friend, but that's because it's someone you both know and he presumed you could be comfortable with (which is not actually the case, but he was trying to choose the most realistic circumstances). It doesn't necessarily mean he has eyes for her.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 As stated by Easy Heart - a large majority of men consider banging a large majority of the women they see every day. All it takes is visual confirmation to consider banging said woman. I think the OP's mind should be at ease. Yes he chose your best friend, but that's because it's someone you both know and he presumed you could be comfortable with (which is not actually the case, but he was trying to choose the most realistic circumstances). It doesn't necessarily mean he has eyes for her. It deserves a bit more digging... Before considering marrying him, she needs to find out if he's inclined toward 'open' relationships. If he is, then the time to figure that out is now...
LexiB Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 LexiB: that seems like a bit of an extreme response to anal... Some women actually like it, but I don't know of many men who do... Not totally fair. Don't think it's unfair or extreme at all. Many women may like anal after they've tried it, but I doubt there are many who are chomping at the bit to go through it that first time. What I propose is a one time shot. One time. One insert. That's it. If a guy can show me that he can take it, and it truly "really isn't that bad", like he claims, then I'm game. If not...I understand...I empathize...and door #2 remains closed. Anyway, sorry for the temporary threadjack op!
EasyHeart Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Just to make sure the point of my earlier post was clear, the fact that a boyfriend is attracted to your friend means absolutely nothing. It's about 2:30 in the afternoon where I live, and so far today I've seen nine women that I want to have sex with (I kept track today, just for all of you! ) That's in the course of walking to work and sitting in my office all day, except to go across the street for lunch. I'll easily be at 20-25 after i go to the gym tonight. None of this means that I don't love my girlfriend or would ever cheat on her. But when men see women, they think about having sex with them.
Casablanca Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 As stated by Easy Heart - a large majority of men consider banging a large majority of the women they see every day. All it takes is visual confirmation to consider banging said woman. I think the OP's mind should be at ease. Yes he chose your best friend, but that's because it's someone you both know and he presumed you could be comfortable with (which is not actually the case, but he was trying to choose the most realistic circumstances). It doesn't necessarily mean he has eyes for her. This is pretty dead on...men check out the menu a lot with out any intentions of ordering.
serial muse Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 As stated by Easy Heart - a large majority of men consider banging a large majority of the women they see every day. All it takes is visual confirmation to consider banging said woman. I think the OP's mind should be at ease. Yes he chose your best friend, but that's because it's someone you both know and he presumed you could be comfortable with (which is not actually the case, but he was trying to choose the most realistic circumstances). It doesn't necessarily mean he has eyes for her. Er. No no no. I think this is actually really naive. Like I said in my post...I'm cool with the idea that my guy may be undressing all kinds of people in his mind. But it crosses a big line to bring it up as a possibility - and, ye gods, it makes it much much much worse to consider it with the best friend. Because she would always be around, and things would get really complicated really fast. You see? This is a man who is not thinking about his girlfriend's feelings. He just wants to bang her friend, and he wants her to be OK with it. I mean, yay that he backed off, but now this is always going to be a big question mark. He must be really young. Because this was a rookie move.
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