sm1tten Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think your plan sounds like the very opposite of letting your guard down and widening your horizons. In a way, I understand why some people don't post pictures on their online profiles, but I feel like since I am, it's only fair if you do too - and that's why I won't engage with those who don't have pictures up. I feel like you are either all in, or all out. But maybe it's because I frankly have no judgement or shame in my game, and I'm not interested in dating anyone who does. I also think that because eventually you'll have to exchange pictures anyway, withholding them means that you may meet men who think you are funny, smart, and interesting, and you'll have a great connection - only with the possibility that for all of that, you aren't his physical cup of tea. I'd rather deal with the "you're hot"s than feel like I've got everything they want except the one thing I possibly can't change. You can be everything I'm looking for in a guy but if I'm not physically attracted to you, it won't work. And unlike some people, without a pretty high base level attraction I'm not going to "grow" more attracted. So, mileage will vary, but it seems like a potential time-waster to me.
Author LoveandSuch Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I think your plan sounds like the very opposite of letting your guard down and widening your horizons. In a way, I understand why some people don't post pictures on their online profiles, but I feel like since I am, it's only fair if you do too - and that's why I won't engage with those who don't have pictures up. I feel like you are either all in, or all out. But maybe it's because I frankly have no judgement or shame in my game, and I'm not interested in dating anyone who does. I also think that because eventually you'll have to exchange pictures anyway, withholding them means that you may meet men who think you are funny, smart, and interesting, and you'll have a great connection - only with the possibility that for all of that, you aren't his physical cup of tea. I'd rather deal with the "you're hot"s than feel like I've got everything they want except the one thing I possibly can't change. You can be everything I'm looking for in a guy but if I'm not physically attracted to you, it won't work. And unlike some people, without a pretty high base level attraction I'm not going to "grow" more attracted. So, mileage will vary, but it seems like a potential time-waster to me. I would exchange pics after a high level of trust has been reassured, but then again this says the online thing is not for me.
Holt Driver Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I do believe men who are well adjusted, smart, handsome, well educated, and again okay in the head would be very gaurded against posting their pic on one of these sites. The exposure and lack of privacy alone would be a gamble. I am all of that (okay, more "reasonably handsome" than "handsome" to be honest), but I would not reach out to someone on a dating site who had not posted a photo. I really need to know that there is at least some spark of attraction, otherwise the physical part of the relationship may not work. There are some womean I work with or see on a regular basis and know that I could never be physically stimulated by them, no matter how great their personality. I think most men would agree. I think the mistaken assumption you're making is that all men want to date someone who looks like Angelina Jolie. That's simply not so; we have much more reasonable expectations. Not to mention that different people are attracted to different things. And lest you think I'm shallow, consider my own experiences: - My ex-wife was close to 200 pounds when I met her - A woman I dated last year had crooked teeth, which I found quirky and endearing. - Another woman I dated was heavier than average, but she could kiss like an angel. So put your picture out there! You'll be okay. Oh, and I'm not ashamed if people know I'm on a dating site. In fact, the more people who know the better! You never know if a friend or colleague has a single friend to set you up with!
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 It took me quite a long time to come up with my 'system' and decide not to post pictures. It wasn't about judgement or shame. Just the opposite. Pictures don't even begin to express someone's personality and often don't even look like them. here's an example... I was cast in a movie last week as an extra opposite Eva Mendes. Spent about 8 hrs within four feet of her. She looks totally ordinary in real life. But the camera LOVES her. Same thing goes for Ryan Gosling. No offense. Attractive people, but not much to write home about in person. Anyway... I really want someone who wants me for me... and perhaps since I'm above average in looks... I have the luxury of not getting turned down once I do show them. I will admit that... plus I don't surf out of my league in the looks department. Being self-aware is a definate necessity if one wants to play it this way. Look at it this way, LoveandSuch... if you go on without pics, you haven't risked much, right? Take a look around? Lots of people do that. You can attach pics to your first email to someone if you like. I wasn't shy about contacting first though, so that was the way that worked best for me. In fact... I said on my profile "message me if... I email you first and you want to get to know me". Noone seemed put off by that. Basically I was telling them not to bother unless I initiated. Made it easy for everyone. FYI... I made that request when I had pics up, and alot just ignored it. So, down came the pics.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I am all of that (okay, more "reasonably handsome" than "handsome" to be honest), but I would not reach out to someone on a dating site who had not posted a photo. I really need to know that there is at least some spark of attraction, otherwise the physical part of the relationship may not work. There are some womean I work with or see on a regular basis and know that I could never be physically stimulated by them, no matter how great their personality. I think most men would agree. I think the mistaken assumption you're making is that all men want to date someone who looks like Angelina Jolie. That's simply not so; we have much more reasonable expectations. Not to mention that different people are attracted to different things. And lest you think I'm shallow, consider my own experiences: - My ex-wife was close to 200 pounds when I met her - A woman I dated last year had crooked teeth, which I found quirky and endearing. - Another woman I dated was heavier than average, but she could kiss like an angel. So put your picture out there! You'll be okay. Oh, and I'm not ashamed if people know I'm on a dating site. In fact, the more people who know the better! You never know if a friend or colleague has a single friend to set you up with! ok... but would you respond to one if you felt she had a legitimate reason not to post pics?? I teach at a local university, for instance. I've got enough problems with the hormonally challenged young gentlemen in my classes. Which is nearly all of them since I teach engineering... and I run my own company. Online dating is NOT good PR...
Author LoveandSuch Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 It took me quite a long time to come up with my 'system' and decide not to post pictures. It wasn't about judgement or shame. Just the opposite. Pictures don't even begin to express someone's personality and often don't even look like them. here's an example... I was cast in a movie last week as an extra opposite Eva Mendes. Spent about 8 hrs within four feet of her. She looks totally ordinary in real life. But the camera LOVES her. Same thing goes for Ryan Gosling. No offense. Attractive people, but not much to write home about in person. Anyway... I really want someone who wants me for me... and perhaps since I'm above average in looks... I have the luxury of not getting turned down once I do show them. I will admit that... plus I don't surf out of my league in the looks department. Being self-aware is a definate necessity if one wants to play it this way. Look at it this way, LoveandSuch... if you go on without pics, you haven't risked much, right? Take a look around? Lots of people do that. You can attach pics to your first email to someone if you like. I wasn't shy about contacting first though, so that was the way that worked best for me. In fact... I said on my profile "message me if... I email you first and you want to get to know me". Noone seemed put off by that. Basically I was telling them not to bother unless I initiated. Made it easy for everyone. FYI... I made that request when I had pics up, and alot just ignored it. So, down came the pics. I like your idea! Also would want to avoid men who may know me and have a crush, and I like them as a friend in passing, from contacting me. That would be uncomfortable. Too personal.
motive2002 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I am taking the advice I have received from posters to widen my horizons, let my gaurd down some. I will, but only upon the fact that there will rules placed that will not be waivered from in the slightest. I may, cough, I think my chest is hurting for saying this, do the online crap. But, with no picture, do not want anyone to just date me because they think I am hot. It is going to have to be deeper than that. I am not looking for anything serious, but I require someone who can carry a decent conversation, and is educated. Rules: 1) First fight=last fight 2) In with the new, out with the old, meaning, no old left overs. 3) First wierd, odd, red flag=zilch, done, goodbye 4) Pushy=done 5) Any innuendo which hints at rudeness=goodbye 6) Lack of character=good bye 7) One slight hint they are a PUA loser=pretzel twist their mind straight though their arse. 8) Unable to amuse me=goodbye I certainly hope your online profile doesn't read like this. Bitterness is NEVER attractive, just sayin. My first assumption when a pic isn't posted is that she must be really unattractive. I hate to tell you this, but attraction is still the #1 first thing to kick things off. Men are simple like that. Just the way it is. I can't get turned on by a fabulous personality alone.. and neither can you.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I certainly hope your online profile doesn't read like this. Bitterness is NEVER attractive, just sayin. My first assumption when a pic isn't posted is that she must be really unattractive. I hate to tell you this, but attraction is still the #1 first thing to kick things off. Men are simple like that. Just the way it is. I can't get turned on by a fabulous personality alone.. and neither can you. Yes, I can. And I have (gotten turned on by a fabulous personality alone). Just a few of the men I find incredibly sexy... Although a couple are out of my age range. Geoffrey Rush ('Shine' and 'Elizabeth') Liam Neeson ('Les Miserables' "Schindler's List') Robin Williams John Malkovich ('Dangerous Liasons', 'Being John Malkovich') Jon Stewart (Thinking women's sex symbols!!) and NOT sexy at all... George Clooney Brad Pitt Tom Cruise Mel Gibson ... etc. YAWN!!
sm1tten Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Many of those men women would find objectively attractive and sexy. Not Robin Williams, though, I think he's creepy as ****. I'm not attracted to any of the men you listed as "not sexy" either.
thatone Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 for some reason crawling up on a pedestal, refusing contact with everyone who might want to meet you, and demanding that those people you are refusing to meet match your exact criteria is not a successful way to find a relationship. wonder why?
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 for some reason crawling up on a pedestal, refusing contact with everyone who might want to meet you, and demanding that those people you are refusing to meet match your exact criteria is not a successful way to find a relationship. wonder why? It occurred to me what might happen if every woman started using my procedure. We don't post pics... don't respond to unsolicited emails... How great would THAT be??? You guys post the pics and worry about how awesome you may or may not look, you strut your stuff for us, we sit back and do the 'shopping' and picking... Sounds good to me... Just kidding... I don't like anything about online dating really... glad I'm off...
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Many of those men women would find objectively attractive and sexy. Not Robin Williams, though, I think he's creepy as ****. I'm not attracted to any of the men you listed as "not sexy" either. Really? Even Geoffrey Rush? Kind of an outlier in the looks dept. Robin Williams? He's hilarious though.... Love a man with a great sense of humor! If I were a lesbian, I'd totally be hot for Tina Fey...
Holt Driver Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 ok... but would you respond to one if you felt she had a legitimate reason not to post pics?? Maybe. I can see your point. I might contact someone without a picture, but here's my fear. Pictureless Woman and I hit it off with the messaging but when I finally see a picture of her, there's no basis for attraction. Then I have to make up some excuse not to continue to a first date. Again, to be clear, a woman does not have to be drop-dead gorgeous, but something chemical has to "click" in order to proceed. And that's true for the women that I would potentially date, too; they could be as dismissive of me, too. (Fair disclosure: There were intimacy issues in my marriage, so I'm hyper-sensitive to ensuring that my next relationship is full of sexual attraction and passion.)
Author LoveandSuch Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 for some reason crawling up on a pedestal, refusing contact with everyone who might want to meet you, and demanding that those people you are refusing to meet match your exact criteria is not a successful way to find a relationship. wonder why? I really have not placed myself on a pedestal. I am really not ready to date. I would not date me, not at this point in my life. I have expressed in other posts of mine, that I have felt dead for some time now. Who wants to date that sh*t? I do not wish for attention through pity; I hide my pain as best I can. I do not want to share with anyone, why?, because it is too bad right now. Being to myself is my best bet. I may reach out to someone randomly here or there just to prove to myself I am here. I see a therapist. He has become useless, just gets in my business, and acts like we are buds and asks alot of personal questions, even have spats on the phone when I could not show up because of work committments and such, and then he apologizes, very weird. I have closed up there and entered a shell. I do not suffer from depression, the depression is situation, and not helped by meds. It gets really bad at times, when it gets that bad it seems like it would feel better if someone was bashing my head with a large rock. This does not paint a picture of someone ready to date! I talk about it. I think about it. But, I know I am not ready. That is all.
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