how do i avoid the users and abusers?

[dumpedandsore]

in my infrequent and tumultuous dating (no love) life, i have always been played out, taken for a ride, strung along by guys who presumably dated me as their gf, bought me to meet their parents, acted serious, then out of the blue, dumped me adruptly, never want to reconcile and disappear on me forever.

 

why am i always played out/used by these guys? I told them im not looking for a fling of sorts, but keen for a serious, committed, long term relationship leading preferably to marriage. Those guys who pursued me to be their gf, then later reveal their true colours (rather shockingly), then dumped me and immediately dated other girls seriously. It was like i was just a rehearsal/trial/interude for their next real dating relationship to come.

 

i am very hurted by their actions. I m used as a temporary gf ..of sorts. When they dumped me, they never look back or contact me again. They never care the magnitude of harm they have done to me. It is as if i deserve it. I wonder why this keeps happening to..

 

If its the guys ive run into, i do not think so..they are pretty serious/committed to other girls...even to the extent of wanting to marrying them

 

to me? they just played me out and run.

 

i wonder is it because im truly unlovable, lousy, physically ugly, unvaluable that they could played and walk out of me like that and feel completely justifiable...

 

while other guys just write me off at first sight

 

is there something wrong with me? how do i avoid these users

[Pasttense]

Take it slow.

[tonyp56]

OK, I'm gonna throw this out there...

 

Men's want in a relationship SEX

Women's want in a relationship love, companionship, friendship, sex, etc...

 

(this is typical and in general of course, but the fact remains our wants are different, men want same things as women (love companionship friendship but the basic want is and remains sex)

 

The question becomes, how do you (as a woman) get what you want from a man??? Well, first of all, every man is different, you'll have some that will want to hit it and quit it and you'll have others that want something long term, the group you want is the long term group. Out of them, will 100% want that long term with you? Most likely NOT, just like you don't want long term with just any man.

 

So, you date and meet new men. Try to go out with different types (go out with some you wouldn't normally be going out with, try someone different) while keeping in mind what men want, sex. Most men who just want sex won't stay around if you don't give it up to them quickly, why would they they are wasting time. The men that are looking for more than sex on the other hand, would be willing to spend more time getting to know YOU, becoming friends, etc...

 

However, if you are interested in a man, you have to be able to let him know he isn't in the friend zone (why would he invest in you more if all he is ever going to be is friends? when he is looking for long term girlfriend/wife) without having sex with him right away. That is the hard part, how do you 1) show him you want him sexually (so he knows his main need will get taken care of) 2) without making him lose interest becaucse you make him wait too long (after all, he feels like you and feels he is running out of time and he is in hurry to find the one). So, you don't want to sound like a horrible choice to him, so don't make anything too strict. Five dates for instance or month or some other way of setting a specific time, while making him invest in it.

 

If he feels the same way as you he will stick around, you just don't want to make it so long that it becomes one of those things where he thinks "I'll get it and then I'm out of here, how dare she make me wait this long?" If you don't give him sex, you should be closer to finding that one guy that WON'T use you up and then leave. Because by the time it gets there he has invested too much into you and he had to be interested to spend that much time without his basic need being taken care of.

 

From my experience, talking to women friends, they go out with a guy give him sex the first date then cry on my shoulder when they never hear from him again. He got what he wanted... Unless you are VERY very lucky, chances are you will get the guy who is just wanting sex or perhaps the guy wanting more but because you gave it up sooo quick he loses interest and runs.

 

Just my thought as a man hope it helps you, even if just a little. Final thought, make men chase YOU a little and don't give up.

 

P.S. Perhaps you don't give it up quick or on the first date, didn't mean to assume, but sounds very familar to me from women who do. Regardless you should be able to use this info to your advantage and hopefully find the right one. There is nothing wrong with you, you aren't unlovable or whatever, you just haven't met the right one yet. I feel that this would help you get closer... Good luck and again don't give up!

Edited August 21, 2011 by tonyp56

[ThsAmericanLife]

OK, I'm gonna throw this out there...

 

Men's want in a relationship SEX

Women's want in a relationship love, companionship, friendship, sex, etc...

 

(this is typical and in general of course, but the fact remains our wants are different, men want same things as women (love companionship friendship but the basic want is and remains sex)

 

The question becomes, how do you (as a woman) get what you want from a man??? Well, first of all, every man is different, you'll have some that will want to hit it and quit it and you'll have others that want something long term, the group you want is the long term group. Out of them, will 100% want that long term with you? Most likely NOT, just like you don't want long term with just any man.

 

So, you date and meet new men. Try to go out with different types (go out with some you wouldn't normally be going out with, try someone different) while keeping in mind what men want, sex. Most men who just want sex won't stay around if you don't give it up to them quickly, why would they they are wasting time. The men that are looking for more than sex on the other hand, would be willing to spend more time getting to know YOU, becoming friends, etc...

 

However, if you are interested in a man, you have to be able to let him know he isn't in the friend zone (why would he invest in you more if all he is ever going to be is friends? when he is looking for long term girlfriend/wife) without having sex with him right away. That is the hard part, how do you 1) show him you want him sexually (so he knows his main need will get taken care of) 2) without making him lose interest becaucse you make him wait too long (after all, he feels like you and feels he is running out of time and he is in hurry to find the one). So, you don't want to sound like a horrible choice to him, so don't make anything too strict. Five dates for instance or month or some other way of setting a specific time, while making him invest in it.

 

If he feels the same way as you he will stick around, you just don't want to make it so long that it becomes one of those things where he thinks "I'll get it and then I'm out of here, how dare she make me wait this long?" If you don't give him sex, you should be closer to finding that one guy that WON'T use you up and then leave. Because by the time it gets there he has invested too much into you and he had to be interested to spend that much time without his basic need being taken care of.

 

From my experience, talking to women friends, they go out with a guy give him sex the first date then cry on my shoulder when they never hear from him again. He got what he wanted... Unless you are VERY very lucky, chances are you will get the guy who is just wanting sex or perhaps the guy wanting more but because you gave it up sooo quick he loses interest and runs.

 

Just my thought as a man hope it helps you, even if just a little. Final thought, make men chase YOU a little and don't give up.

 

P.S. Perhaps you don't give it up quick or on the first date, didn't mean to assume, but sounds very familar to me from women who do. Regardless you should be able to use this info to your advantage and hopefully find the right one. There is nothing wrong with you, you aren't unlovable or whatever, you just haven't met the right one yet. I feel that this would help you get closer... Good luck and again don't give up!

 

To the OP... a player will wait 5 dates if you tell him that's your deadline.

 

A player will wait 'a month' if you tell him that is your deadline.

 

A player will play on your fears that if you don't f**k him, he is gone.

 

A man who is truly into YOU will wait until the time is right... not ask you to set a deadline. He will have the maturity to communicate with you if your signals are getting crossed regarding intimacy. Not only that... a truly quality man will also want to wait. He has as much to lose as you by rushing into something... Don't EVER enter into a relationship with a man who has little or nothing to lose by becoming intimate. They are not quality men.

 

Settle for nothing less... And don't listen to the men here who want you to believe that if you aren't f**g a man by the 5th date you will 'lose' them. If he's THAT much in a rush, LET him be. So what??

 

If there was anything terribly compelling about your relationship, he'll come back. If he doesn't, then, you've saved yourself from the angst of feeling used...

[Professor X]

in my infrequent and tumultuous dating (no love) life, i have always been played out, taken for a ride, strung along by guys who presumably dated me as their gf, bought me to meet their parents, acted serious, then out of the blue, dumped me adruptly, never want to reconcile and disappear on me forever.

 

 

What exactly makes you label them as users/players ? Only because they broke up with you and didn't marry you??

You yourself claimed there was no love, so maybe that's why they ended it. I don't see the point in marrying someone if there's no love; Maybe the reason they "stringed you along" wasn't all that ill intended? Maybe they actually did enjoy the time with you and when they saw the love isn't coming (either from you or from them) they just broke it off??

 

And they dumped you out of the blue after introducing you to their parents? After acting seriously with you? I highly doubt so, I'm sure there are key issues you're not telling us - I'm not saying that this isn't the case, it might very well be, but it's just highly unlikely.

 

Just so you know, not every RS ends with marriage, more so if there's no love in it.

[dumpedandsore]

What exactly makes you label them as users/players ? Only because they broke up with you and didn't marry you??

You yourself claimed there was no love, so maybe that's why they ended it. I don't see the point in marrying someone if there's no love; Maybe the reason they "stringed you along" wasn't all that ill intended? Maybe they actually did enjoy the time with you and when they saw the love isn't coming (either from you or from them) they just broke it off??

 

And they dumped you out of the blue after introducing you to their parents? After acting seriously with you? I highly doubt so, I'm sure there are key issues you're not telling us - I'm not saying that this isn't the case, it might very well be, but it's just highly unlikely.

 

Just so you know, not every RS ends with marriage, more so if there's no love in it.

 

 

well, you are right, my last ex broke up with me, citing that he tried to cultivate romantic feelings/love for me, but only felt friendship/bubby vibes from me.

 

Another observation why i feel they are players/covert love cheats. After dumping me adruptly and very cruelly (im sure i never hear from them again), they proceeded to change their mobile no, blocked/deleted me on all social networking sites (facebook, msn, email), fb social groups they joined on the day itself . I was thinking is there a reason for doing that? They are behaving like criminals, and im like the police, to avoid my "detection", they are blocking me from all access to them. If they arent love cheats to begin with, is there such a need to block me from accessing them? If it was a normal r/s that didnt work out, i dont see the reason to block this person. Im a respectable and upright person, why are they behaving like im some leech/dangerous pest and needed to be eradicated permanently?

 

 

Im hurted by their actions. Aint im a person worth respecting and treated with basic respect and care, decorum and dignity?

 

they always claimed they feel bad about breaking uup with me, yet feel its the best option for me. In that case, why played with my feeling in the first place? They were the ones who pursued me to be their gf after knowing me, i didnt force or initiate. Then it makes me feel, i coerced them into a r/s with me, which i vow, i didnt, it was all mutual understanding and willingness initially until they turned 360 degrees on me, then completely blew me away and blocked me away. Hence, i believed im played? i dont see them deleting their ex from their fb, instead, they were deleted.

Edited August 21, 2011 by dumpedandsore

[Professor X]

well, you are right, my last ex broke up with me, citing that he tried to cultivate romantic feelings/love for me, but only felt friendship/bubby vibes from me.

 

Another observation why i feel they are players/covert love cheats. After dumping me adruptly and very cruelly (im sure i never hear from them again), they proceeded to change their mobile no, blocked/deleted me on all social networking sites (facebook, msn, email), fb social groups they joined on the day itself . I was thinking is there a reason for doing that? They are behaving like criminals, and im like the police, to avoid my "detection", they are blocking me from all access to them. If they arent love cheats to begin with, is there such a need to block me from accessing them? If it was a normal r/s that didnt work out, i dont see the reason to block this person. Im a respectable and upright person, why are they behaving like im some leech/dangerous pest and needed to be eradicated permanently?

I can't tell you for sure why they did what they did, they might very well be just weirdos (not players, that's not what players would of done, players don't give a damn if you see who they sleep with).

Though it might look harsh from your point of view, they might just go hard NC with you - and that's all it is.

 

 

Im hurted by their actions. Aint im a person worth respecting and treated with basic respect and care, decorum and dignity?

Of course you are worth being respected and treated with care and such.

 

 

they always claimed they feel bad about breaking uup with me, yet feel its the best option for me. In that case, why played with my feeling in the first place? They were the ones who pursued me to be their gf after knowing me, i didnt force or initiate. Then it makes me feel, i coerced them into a r/s with me, which i vow, i didnt, it was all mutual understanding and willingness initially until they turned 360 degrees on me, then completely blew me away and blocked me away. Hence, i believed im played? i dont see them deleting their ex from their fb, instead, they were deleted.

Again, like in my previous post, what do you expect from men? To predict the future? To know what will happen in the upcoming year?

They pursued you because they fancied you, you were attractive to them and they went for it.

As a RS goes on, gets longer, the people involved get to know the other more and more and in many cases they don't like those new sides the discover and they just break it up.

Same happened to me: I liked the way my ex' looked, physically, and I hit on her, we became friends, soon after we became a couple but as the RS prolonged I saw sides in her I didn't like - to the extend I couldn't be around her anymore and I broke it off. Does it make me a bad person?

 

Which brings me back to the same statement you've mentioned earlier "no love" - Why do you care as you do if there's no love? Never was? Why generalize legit actions under "Players/Users". And in fact, if there was never love in your RS (given that you've waited enough) why did you stay in it?