Hlep Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Ok I'm going to bring up a cliche age old tale. It truly seems to me from my life experiences that expressing my emotions or affection to a girl is always a deal breaker. I've had a couple short term flings, and a long term relationship even- where I feel like deep down inside that as soon as I start to feel attached it's like females sense it, and are instantly turned off by it. I feel like to keep any relationship going I have to hide away my emotions.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Depends on two major things: 1. What emotion you are expressing and how. I.e. Anger by throwing things at walls and down stairs, not good. Affection by writing a nice note: great. 2. What type of woman you are aiming at. If you go into the relationship for months with a brick wall up, she's expecting you to be a brick wall kind of guy. Some women cannot handle regular expression of emotion.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I am a bit of a weirdo though. I gravitate towards very sensitive men.
singsparkles Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I personally love to see a man with a heart and emotions. I honestly don't like it when a man is over the top and cries over everything...because then I feel like maybe the person is unstable and not ready for a relationship and that doesn't make me want to get involved. but I do like it when a guy feels and shows what he is feeling to an extent. I like seeing a guy with a heart who is comfortable enough to show their feelings. I find it a TURNOFF when a guy has no feelings at all (Not a good trait!)
StandingO Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I remember one relationship. We both fell for each other. She always expressed how much she loved me. Almost like she put me on this unreal level. One day I expressed how sorry I was about something and got all emotional. It seemed to change her feelings for me. Like I was not this magical guy anymore. I know where you are coming from.
thelovingkind Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think the name of the game is expressing emotions in a controlled, thoughtful manner. This doesn't mean that you can't express emotions involving confusion or insecurity, just be clear and controlled in the way you talk about these confused or insecure feelings; don't talk about them in a confused or deeply insecure way, if you get the distinction. This isn't necessarily about women wanting you to be a "man" or whatever, in fact I think the phenomena is quite genderless at its base level. The ability to understand and express emotions in a considered way is a sign of a mentally healthy person in either gender and no one can be blamed for being drawn to that attribute in a person.
betterdeal Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 This struck a note with me. I'm guessing you're talking about more vulnerable emotions, like fear, sadness, confusion. I've had those belittled and derided by some women. Others have been more humane about it. I guess it depends on the woman and what she thinks a man is. Some want a father figure; others want a human being.
solobeary Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I was attracted to my ex because he seemed quite in touch with his emotions, I don't like "manly men" at all. But slowly all his issues came to the surface and when times were really tough he'd completely avoid and deny his emotions. So that felt like a rip off- he would completely run away from his emotions when difficult things were happening and it was normal to be emotional. In my next serious relationship one day, I will most definitely look for a guy who can express deep emotions in a reasonably coherent way. Not all the time, obviously. But when something big was happening, or ocassionally if he was thinking seriously about something.
thelovingkind Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I was attracted to my ex because he seemed quite in touch with his emotions, I don't like "manly men" at all. But slowly all his issues came to the surface and when times were really tough he'd completely avoid and deny his emotions. So that felt like a rip off- he would completely run away from his emotions when difficult things were happening and it was normal to be emotional. Really nice insight, I've had this too. Often, the people who *LOVE* sharing and talking all about relationships, emotions, connections, etc. when the going is good (e.g. during the Honeymoon phase) are the first ones to bottle up, go distant and become all "Huh...eh...yeh...meh..." as soon as a situation involving real emotional duress arises. On the flip side, people who seem to be unemotive or emotionally disinterested during the easy times can become remarkably constructive, engaging partners when things get tough. There are two concepts that I find helpful here: relational knowledge and situational knowledge. Relational knowledge about your partner you gain from talking with them, relating with them. Situational knowledge you gain from observing them in various social situations - with family, friends, coworkers, etc. Most of us tend to "read" our partners mainly through relational observation - heart to hearts, pillow talk, those amazing msn conversations that flow on until dawn, etc. - but the situational knowledge is more telling. If they seem perfectly in tune with you in the early days but totally incapable of navigating other types of relationships, you can be sure there will be trouble further down the road. No one is the exception they hope to be.
Sooner or Later Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 The "strong, silent" type does nothing for me--it's always a guessing game and can be quite lonely at times. In fact, I think being silent does not equate with being strong. A guy who is in touch with and can articulate his emotions is a great trait.
Author Hlep Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Let me explain it a little clearer. During my most recent "fling" things seemed great- we slept together several times. I told her after we had been intimate one time "I though I was falling for her" (two months into it)- and she dumped me 2 days later saying she didn't want a "super serious relationship". Uggghhhh. Felt sooo rejected I've gone NC. I think any future relationships, it will have to be the girl vocalizing the feelings first. This is the second time it's happened to me. I didn't think I was rushing it... I didn't drop the L-bomb or anything.
Author Hlep Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 This struck a note with me. I'm guessing you're talking about more vulnerable emotions, like fear, sadness, confusion. I've had those belittled and derided by some women. Others have been more humane about it. I guess it depends on the woman and what she thinks a man is. Some want a father figure; others want a human being. Yes, your insight also resonates as well. During an 18 month relationship I had, my brother and father both passed away. It felt emasculating to be such an emotional wreck for a little while, but I regained my compusure after a couple months... then my girlfriend ultimately dumped me as well. I felt like after I showed my emotions it showed weakness- and it seemed she was turned off by this.
betterdeal Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I'm sorry to hear that. I think the lesson to learn is to express those "weaker" feelings more and be more genuine generally. If we do, the next time we enter into a relationship, we'll be (a) more used to those feelings and managing them more effectively and (b) our partners will know that's a part of us. It doesn't mean being an emotional wreck or over-expressing them all the time. But it does mean getting used to having them, acknowledging them and expressing them in some way.
Author Hlep Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry to hear that. I think the lesson to learn is to express those "weaker" feelings more and be more genuine generally. If we do, the next time we enter into a relationship, we'll be (a) more used to those feelings and managing them more effectively and (b) our partners will know that's a part of us. It doesn't mean being an emotional wreck or over-expressing them all the time. But it does mean getting used to having them, acknowledging them and expressing them in some way. I absolutely agree. I've been refining those qualities as time goes on. I've had some traumatic life experiences, and I wouldn't want to hide that from a partner... it would be like lying about the person I am, although some things I wouldn't want to disclose right off the bat. I try to be as genuine as possible, and that's a trait I truly desire in an ideal partner... someone who doesn't hide things, and who is understanding. I believe relationships evolve in layers like an onion, and sometimes you can only peel away so many layers... My point of contention however- I feel like if I express affection, or say those lovey dovey things somehow it works against my favor. Like that girl I mentioned that just dumped me. I told her "I thought I was falling for her" after we had slept together several times...and two days later she dumped me like I was a bad habit. Like I only could reach the second layer of the onion... I guess I'm just trying to understand why I was rejected (think Cee Lo Green playing on repeat- haha), I feel like telling her how I felt was a factor in me being dumped. The rejection feels so horrible after telling a girl "I think I'm falling for you" after we slept together several times... and to be dumped two days later. ugghhhhh! I guess better now than later. Edited August 22, 2011 by Hlep
thelovingkind Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I absolutely agree. I've been refining those qualities as time goes on. I've had some traumatic life experiences, and I wouldn't want to hide that from a partner... it would be like lying about the person I am, although some things I wouldn't want to disclose right off the bat. I try to be as genuine as possible, and that's a trait I truly desire in an ideal partner... someone who doesn't hide things, and who is understanding. I believe relationships evolve in layers like an onion, and sometimes you can only peel away so many layers... My point of contention however- I feel like if I express affection, or say those lovey dovey things somehow it works against my favor. Like that girl I mentioned that just dumped me. I told her "I thought I was falling for her" after we had slept together several times...and two days later she dumped me like I was a bad habit. Like I only could reach the second layer of the onion... I guess I'm just trying to understand why I was rejected (think Cee Lo Green playing on repeat- haha), I feel like telling her how I felt was a factor in me being dumped. The rejection feels so horrible after telling a girl "I think I'm falling for you" after we slept together several times... and to be dumped two days later. ugghhhhh! I guess better now than later. Hard to say but, I'm guessing this was more about her not desiring a long term future with you than not being turned on by men who confess feelings. I think that if the right guy comes along she won't have any problem accepting his confessions of love. Of course, she might have an issue with emotions and not be able to accept such gestures from anyone, who knows. Anyway, the point for you and me and anyone else is that anyone who reacts the way she did is absolutely not the person for us. Don't think of it as "I messed up by being open about my feelings for her, so I failed" think of it as "I was open about my feelings for her and that messed things up, so I succeeded in the goal of dating, which is to ascertain whether or not someone will make a reliable, emotionally-astute long-term partner"
WTRanger Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Are you expressing emotion or vomiting up emotion? There's a difference in saying you love someone and laying it on so thick and sappy that even daytime soap opera stars would gag.
Author Hlep Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Hard to say but, I'm guessing this was more about her not desiring a long term future with you than not being turned on by men who confess feelings. I think that if the right guy comes along she won't have any problem accepting his confessions of love. Of course, she might have an issue with emotions and not be able to accept such gestures from anyone, who knows. Anyway, the point for you and me and anyone else is that anyone who reacts the way she did is absolutely not the person for us. Don't think of it as "I messed up by being open about my feelings for her, so I failed" think of it as "I was open about my feelings for her and that messed things up, so I succeeded in the goal of dating, which is to ascertain whether or not someone will make a reliable, emotionally-astute long-term partner" That does make perfect sense, and I have thought about it this way. And WTRanger- I really didn't think it came across as sappy. Perhaps- haha. I mean 2 months in, shagged her... I thought stuff like this is acceptable in the "honeymoon phase". I didn't drop the L-bomb. And like the thelovingkind explains if it wasn't cool with her that I expressed that feeling, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be. It's just hard to shake off the perception it was a factor in why she dumped me. I mean to say that to someone, and then get dumped. All I can do is laugh about it.
WTRanger Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 That does make perfect sense, and I have thought about it this way. And WTRanger- I really didn't think it came across as sappy. Perhaps- haha. I mean 2 months in, shagged her... I thought stuff like this is acceptable in the "honeymoon phase". I didn't drop the L-bomb. And like the thelovingkind explains if it wasn't cool with her that I expressed that feeling, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be. It's just hard to shake off the perception it was a factor in why she dumped me. I mean to say that to someone, and then get dumped. All I can do is laugh about it. Sounds like the girl wanted a sex buddy and bailed when your emotions came out. Look at it this way. You dodged a HUGE bullet.
betterdeal Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 The lovingkind and WT are right. You had fun, you didn't hurt anyone, she decided it wasn't what she wanted and took decisive action. Sure, it feels a shame, especially since now you're missing out on a great shag, but it's cool. You guys weren't on the same page, that's all. Don't be sad it's over - be happy it happened.
green_marimo Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I would have to say, this really depends on what emotions you are expressing. I would love to have a man who expresses his positive emotions earnestly, or even when he is feeling stressed up or upset, and I can be by his side acting as his listening ear, letting him let out all his bottled up emotions. Somehow I feel that it is a strong emotional connection between us. He trusts me enough to let me into his emotional "barrier". Maybe it is just me. I don't like being around "wooden" blocks and giving me cold treatment/cold war in times of stress, expecting me to reflect on myself and my actions instead, when I don't even know what was wrong.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 That does make perfect sense, and I have thought about it this way. And WTRanger- I really didn't think it came across as sappy. Perhaps- haha. I mean 2 months in, shagged her... I thought stuff like this is acceptable in the "honeymoon phase". I didn't drop the L-bomb. And like the thelovingkind explains if it wasn't cool with her that I expressed that feeling, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be. It's just hard to shake off the perception it was a factor in why she dumped me. I mean to say that to someone, and then get dumped. All I can do is laugh about it. Your problem was that you didnt find out if she felt the same way first, you just blurted it out without knowing if she felt the same, and that kills the challenge for her. THATS why she bolted. You have to give them emotion in little bits once in a while, they want to earn it, they dont want you handing your entire heart to them. No one wants anything they didnt earn. You hand your heart over before she does hers, and you just look like a sap that doesnt know what hes doing. You have to make sure she doesnt have some sort of rebound agenda or anything, make sure shes into you or just wants casual sex, THEN you wait for her to express her feelings, and then MAYBE you give her a sliver of yours. You have to do that with all women.
carhill Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 IME, never let them see fear. Bad mojo. Even if it has nothing to do with the R/M, it's an attraction killer. OTOH, I know plenty of women who are married to and substantially attracted to angry men, some bordering on abusive (to me anyway), so YMMV on that. Oddly, most of the broken women I've encountered have uniformly told me that emotions of romance and affection seem 'fake' to them, like I'm lying when expressing those emotions. Healthy women seem to appreciate those gestures. Hopefully I'll meet more of the latter in the future. Sadness? Mixed bag. Got a chance to sample that when my mom died last year. TBH, I got more consistent and supportive responses from my male friends, though a couple female friends appeared receptive and not put off. To me, it's about style. If our natural emotional styles don't mesh, then we're incompatible (speaking of romantic relations/LTR's/marriages). If I can't be my natural self, then I'd rather be alone. There's plenty of people who love, value and respect that natural self (and I them).
Author Hlep Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 To me, it's about style. If our natural emotional styles don't mesh, then we're incompatible (speaking of romantic relations/LTR's/marriages). If I can't be my natural self, then I'd rather be alone. There's plenty of people who love, value and respect that natural self (and I them). Couldn't have been said better.
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