Husband is Unavailable and Not Happy/Almost Divorced Have A Friend What Now???

[SmartyPants1]

I should be much smarter then this but my situation is complicated. My husband and I have loved each other for 17 years and been married for 15. We have a 13 and a 15 year old son. He has been emotionally abusive for years. He cuts me off when I talk to him and then raises his voice so he can't hear what I am saying, when I raise mine back to be heard I am told I don't need to yell. I feel like I am loosing my mind half the time. That is only a SMALLl example of what I have been going through.

 

Anyway September of last year I lost my job. I wanted to quick as the enviorment was toxic to my health but the income was too good. I did not find another full time job yet, although I believe where I am working now will become full time. My husband spent nights screaming at me and being very vengeful and wicked in his tone of speech and mannerisms. I tried to commit suicide twice before December due to the heaviness of my situation. I was not in a good place, and in January I met a man who I had a very intense 2 1/2 month affair with. My husband found out and I ended it. The man hung himself on Easter after trying to reach me. I again fell deep into a hole and almost suceeded in ending my life in May. My husband used that is an opportunity to dig through my bank records and purse and to find dirt on me. It was not a cry for help. I really felt that bad. I have received help for my depression, but do much better just going to an active church and staying social then receiving counseling.

 

Anyway in June after trying unsucessfully to reconcile with my husband several times, and with us being a couple months from a final divorce... I ran into an old client of mine from my previous job. We always had such a comical way of talking to each other, and we both really enjoyed our business association. However that is always where it stayed was business. I recently lost 120 pounds due to stress, and I am a completely different looking person. He tells me he always had a crush on me even then.. We mainly talked over the phone but a lot and for a half an hour or better as I he was my largest customer. He would call sometimes just to tell me something humorus when I worked with him.

 

Months went by before I met him in June and we went out on 1 date while I was seperated from my husband. The date was awesome and the chemistry was flying. I slept sound for the first time in months after that date. However the very next day my husband calls and says he wanted to attempt to reconcile, but also added he just joined a new band and would be practicing and playing in bars on the weekend and if I couldn't handle it the "deal was off" I simply said all things must be on the table and the marriage must come first. He begrudingly agreeed. I said I would try because I didn't want to end a marriage over 1 great date.

 

My husband never asked my out on dates, bought me a card, flowers or anything when we started back up. (When I attempted to reconcile I offered a trip and a new ring) The verbal baggering and put downs over my past affair continued on a daily basis. My son to my surprise had saw some flirty text from my old customer prior to my husband and I reconciling, and although I told my husband I went on 1 date...My son gave him details of a text message...I told my husband I didn't need to explain myself when we were not together. He continued to ask me detailed questions on a daily basis and bagger me without relief.

 

Doubtful of my husbands ability to start a normal relationship back up with me. I started to see my friend just as a friend. We never kissed or held hands in our weekly get togethers. I know he liked me still because I would get messages out of the blue like, "look at the moon" and he would call me Snow White, and tell me he "enjoyed every second he spent with me" But he also made it clear that he would not be the "Other Man" I said I would never ask that of him and so we agreed to continue as Best Friends and nothing more. We never crossed the line even in a small way. However the chemistry and attraction was undeniable. We both were giddy and he would always say he couldn't wait to see me. He sent me 82 text in 1 day..(we were texting back and forth) He would also say things like he was drinking and working out to get me off his mind. He is not a heavy drinker.

 

My husband put a tape recorder in my car and heard my conversation with this man. Luckily in the conversation I told my friend that we have been above board and shouldn't feel guilty but maybe we should slow down on getting together as often. We obviously were falling for each other hard...and neither one of us wanted that to happen. We really did want to remain strickly friends as the fun, laughter, and rapport alone was enough for both of us. I was fine if he dated other people and he was fine with my husband and even wanted to meet my husband, although I knew that wouldn't work with my husband. Also I believe my friend developed more then friend feelings for me, so meeting my husband would have been awkward.

 

Any way I haven't seen my friend in over 3 weeks since my husband recorded our conversation. I am moving out of the house with my husband and into an apartment although my husband and I agreed to see how things go away from each other again. I really miss my friend and I am not sure what my feelings for him are except I think about him all the time. I am afraid to love him after the man I had an actual affair with hung himself. I still don't know if I want more then a friendship from him. But here is what I do know, he makes me smile and feel very happy something I despartely need and something my husband does not do. He would make me feel happy even if we never develop into a love relationship. I just love being around him and he makes me feel special, but I don't think I am anywhere near ready for a relationship on a full scale.

 

Here is my question. I am moving out. I am nervous because of my employment situation. My husband and I are not technically divorced or broke up althogh we are agreeing on things prior to me leaving just in case... I know my husband will try to record and follow me even after I move to a new place. I still feel love for my husband (I can't explain that) but will be very sad if I can not be friends with my best friend. He really does feel just like my best friend (not sure of anything else). So what do I do??? Should I cut the cord from my husband, which I know will be gut wrenching? Should I just leave this other guy alone? But if I leave him alone and he is suppose to be someone special in my life (friend, or otherwise) am I throwing away happiness??? Help please...

[ja123]

SmartyPants pretty well everything you've mentioned here is excessive.

 

You are clearly in a lot of pain. I encourage you to go to your psychologist at least twice a week, and lay off any kind of man for a while - your husband's abuse, the man who sends you 82 texts in one day ... they're distracing you (rather you are distracting yourself by using them) from dealing with some deep seated issues that would best be dealt with a good professional.

 

Check out CBT or DBT therapy.

 

And buffer your children from all these shenanigans - enroll them in sports, make sure they get some positive and stable influences in their lives - it's terribly unfair on the children.

 

Best wishes to you and good luck!

[SmartyPants1]

Thank you for your concern... I appreciate your reply. Children are in private school and sports, and I spend a lot of time with them. I think I will skip the phychologist as they have only made things worse for me on every occassion. I have no faith in phychology. I have faith in living my life to the fullest on a daily basis and that is it. I know logically you are right laying off any men is the right option, but laughter does seem to be the best medicine for me now.