I Still Love Him and I Am Working On Not Being The Other Woman

June 2, 2004

She is still bugging ya? How sad that she can't move on! I can't wait to hear all about it!

June 2, 2004

It is sad that she cant move on. I told her last night that it is sad that she bruises so easily inside. Ah, but hell, I cant seem to move on either. He is on my mind constantly. But at least I wasn't calling him, I was being strong there. I was desperately trying to move on, and about to move on in all the wrong ways. I am just going to take time to heal to myself. Still busy, will post later.

June 2, 2004

Move on in all the wrong ways? I hope you don't mean fall back into the arms of your ex-husband or relapse or something horrible! I hope you stay strong and don't let anyone ruin your bright future! Things are bleak now but remember you rose above a lot of BS so no matter what you'll rise above all of this as long as ya stay stong!

June 2, 2004

I think at this point you really need to consider seeing a councilor.

June 2, 2004

Gosh.... I meant that I was moving on in the wrong ways by thinking about moving on so quickly. I haven't even taken the time to heal my heart yet. It would be so wrong to try to fill that void in my life with someone when that void isn't just empty, its broken right now. NO, I will not relapse on drugs....thats a crazy assumption. When I used drugs, I was a teenager. I am a mother now. That isn't even a road I consider. And fall back into the arms of my x-husband, NO, thats not what I want. When I walked away from him, I really walked away from him. I am not that screwed up. You have to give me credit here. I am actually a pretty level headed person. I am always happy, no matter what I can find the fun and humor in every situation. I am a single mother who works a 40 hr week raising a 6 yr old son with not one dime in child support and yet I am still surviving without welfare. I know thats not a huge thing but my X-H always told me I couldn't survive without him. Since I left him I have bought a house and a newer (2000- new to me) car. I have it all except love. I will find it one day! I do not think that I need to see a counselor. Sometimes I think I should but generally I have a good outlook on life. I will survive this as well.

June 3, 2004

The ex-single guy called and I have a date with him this weekend!! Whipppeeeeeeeeeeeeee:)

June 3, 2004

Congras..

What did the wife have to say this time?

I still wait to see how the x coming back home will shake the scene..

He comes today correct?

June 3, 2004

The whole mess with the wife calling Wednesday night. He was sitting in the room the whole time listening to our conversation. It went basically like this:

Well she just called to see how things ended with us. I told her he chose to be with his family. She said that she knew that we were still seeing each other. She accuses him of it each and every time he walks out the door. I told her we were not and that he had only called me one time, which he admitted to her only after I told her. She told me that he has relapsed back into meth and so had she. She said that he still pines for me all the time and misses me. I told her I missed him too but I was moving on. I was in this "NC" thing and had to explain to her what NC was and what it meant to me, how it was making me stronger. She told me he still loved me and I said he didn't, thats why he's there with her and not me. So, she asked him and he (knowing I was on the phone) told her he did still love me and missed me and it was hard staying away from me. I guess they got into a huge fight earlier in the day and he told her I was good to him, unlike her. I didn't accuse him of things, I didn't time him when he left, I didn't fight with him, was just loving to him. Then he told her he made a huge mistake going back to her and that he was going to come to my house and beg me to take him back. (Why in the hell he would tell her that I don't know).

So she said that she was still planning on killing herself. She said that she had written letters to her kids and family explaining why she had to die. She told me that I was invited to her visitation but not the funeral for the family's sake. I told her no way I was going to either. She asked me to take good care of her kids and then was telling me special things they like. I told her that if she killed herself, there was no way I was going near her kids because they would grow up and blame me for her death. She said that she has been reading books to the 3 yr old explaining that if he ever wanted to talk to her, he could look up at her and see her in the stars. OMG! I told her I had no plan on taking MM back. She said "You will". No I wont. I am done. Their crap is just too crazy and Dis-functional for me. I want a normal life. If I did get with MM and we ended up married, she would just screw with my head forever. She finally put MM on the phone with me and I told him, "Ya'll are just playing games and I am the pawn in the middle. I don't appreciate being strung along in this mess. You and I can never be together because she wont allow us to be happy." He said, "I am not playing games." I said "Ya'll need to fix your **** and leave me out of it". He said nothing. I said "I know you cant say nothing in front of her because she reacts to everything you say but I want you to know that I am gone." He said "Where are you going?" I said, "Nowhere, I am just done with this situation so I am gone to you now" and I hung up.

She called back later that night and she wanted to know if his uncle or cousin who are friends of mine started this whole mess up again. She said that she is going to strangle the cousin to death because she blames him. I told her it was MM's doing. He pursued me, not the cousin. And that was that.

Oh, I got to add this in. I finally see how she really is with him. For example, she tried to convince me that she took enough pills OD. She said that she was going to stay awake all night but yesterday morning her step mom was taking her on a 3 hr drive to the mental ward for a check up and she was just planning on telling her step mom that she was sleepy and fall asleep and never wake up...Whatever! MM said something to her and she said to him "You better watch what you say to me because all I have to do is start going crazy right now and these kids are gone. You know the state will take them. We both have been using." So she threatens him with the children. I used to tell my XH if he didn't straighten up that I was taking our son and leaving but I never could imagine threatening like that... Crazy.

Well, like an idiot yesterday I called MM's grandma and told her what I knew about everything. The relapse, the threats, everything. I told the grandma that my hands were tied and so I was leaving it in her lap. I told her I loved him but his life was much easier when I wasn't in it. She told me that MM loved me too and it was really tearing him up but she thought that what I was doing was the best for the children. She thinks only of those kids! She is wonderful. So I guess I have taken even more steps to the ending of our love.

Well, that ex-bf (SG) that I mentioned earlier called me last night. We are really excited about seeing each other. I kinda told him what was going on with MM because like I said, small town, everyone knows everyone. He told me MM was just a young punk, that I deserve so much more. MM is 27 and SG is 32. SG called me about 4 times last night. First time I was on the phone with a friend that I have just called after not really speaking for 10 years. He called 2 times while I was on the phone with her. As soon as I hung up and called him back, the XH called collect from the jail. UH OH!

XH told me that they are releasing him from Prison on the 4th. The problem is that his family lives in Indiana and he is here in Missouri Prison. The prison was having problems getting the probation officer in Indiana to accept him as a client. So XH may not get an out of state release. He may have to stay in Missouri. He told me that he would have to live in a halfway house in St. Louis which is about 3 hours north of me. I told him that if we HAD to I could let him stay here for a couple of weeks til he found a job and a house. As soon as I said that, oh hell, I thought no way am I about to do this crap again. So I told him that actually that couldn't happen. My family would flip out! Ya'll should have heard the guilt trip he was trying to lay on me. He was saying things like "My life sucks, everything sucks". Well, when you get yourself strung out on heroin, abuse your wife, treat everyone like crap until they leave and you're left with nothing, life does tend to suck. Thats his fault, not mine! He was getting all snappy with me because he expects me to send our son up there right now for him to visit for a couple of weeks. I told him son was in summer school and I wanted him to settle in before I sent him up there. That made him mad. But oh well. I am thinking only of my son. I will give them time together but he has a lot of stuff to deal with first.

So that is my update. I am walking strong and feeling better. I just hope things get better for me. My mistakes in the past really seem to haunt me when I least expect it.

June 3, 2004

Stay strong. I think you are handling this right EXCEPT for one thing. You did not yet block their phone number from you phone. Talking to his wife, or him, for that matter just gets you all wrapped up in their crap again. You left him because you wanted a normal life and psychoness lives off of him and her. So keep the psychoness out of your life and block them from contacting you. If your phone company can't do it, get call display and don't pick up when they call. Anything to avoid getting pulled back into their drama.

June 3, 2004

I think that it sounds like this poster can not live without having a man in their life! Before I thought this was a case of some person falling in love and being stuck in a bad situation. But I am beginning to believe that there is always a need for some sort of attention or contact with a man. First off if you really seriously wanted the contact with these 2 people to stop you would have like debster said...blocked their number. To me it seems you are holding out hope that he will call and try and rekindle your romance or that he will come to his "senses" and leave her to come back to you though you have to know that if he does it will be a never ending cycle! Secondly you would not continue to have contact with his family, they have more of an obligation to him and his wife than to you, you should just stop calling his family and let them alone. Thirdly You have to see that he clearly is with her because he wants to be no matter what you may have thought obviously he must love her or else he wouldn't have stayed home once he "realized" she wasn't going to change! He "relapsed" because he is an addict who probably prefers to be there where he can do his drugs without having to answer to someone. In this respect you deserve MUCH better than that!

Now you claimed in another post that you needed time to heal yet you're going on a date with yet another ex. You were seeking to fill that void or else you would not have contacted him! Anyone should be able to see that it seems you're trying to fill that void in your life. In another post you said that you felt this void because you lost your brothers when they moved away. Ok assuming this was the case why would you not try and get into contact with them and restart that relationship??

I don't want to sound harsh but sorry that these posts just strike up pity!

You keep making comments like "omg" when you refer to your ex-husband and him finding out about this situation and all, I can almost imagine that if this doesn't work out with this "other ex" you'll probably end up right back in the arms of your ex-husband when he "has to stay" with you or in Missouri! I am not a fortune teller but I don't think you need to be in order to see from your past choices where you will end up in the future! I hope for your own sake and the sake of your son (who doesn't deserve such turmoil) that you will get it together and start focusing on yourself and your son and stop worrying about fullfilling that void and the "womanly need" for a man. I don't mean sexually I just mean the "need" for that security in order for you to feel whole and feel good about yourself. It seems like you need contact with a man to feel self-worth! I have read and re-read your posts before deciding to post this opinion. I don't want to make you feel like you should quit posting here but you should take a long hard serious look at your life and where you're headed before you fall back into something you may not be so lucky to get out of next time!

June 3, 2004

Dulce... some of what you have said is true but there are things that you were wrong about. Let me clarify.

I live in a town of 1,000 people. My family and my x-MM's family have always been acquainted and very much like my own family. I did block XMM phone number but decided to take it off because of a moment of weakness. I know I shouldn't have but I am going to have my ups and downs. I am being as strong as I can right now. The last that I spoke to them, he does still love me and does plan on begging for me back so I am not holding out hope. It is confirmed. But what is overwhelmingly true is that even though he would come back to me (and back and forth between us, I'm sure) she is always going to be an unstable person and I cannot live or have my son live in constant chaos. I speak to his family on a daily basis about things unrelated to XMM.

I do feel justified to speak to his grandma about XMM and wifes relapse. The wife told me which kind of threw the ball into my court to take action. I know it is not my place, but I feel as though she told me as a "cry for help". I am the kind of person who tries to help everyone. However, in this situation, I do not want to be involved. I do love this man and would do anything in the world to help him but he made his choice to be with her, so that leaves me out of this equation. I do not have to help them. I do not want to ignore her cry for help therefore I told his grandma so that she could find a way to help them out of their crisis. She loves them both and she will help them without disclosing that I am the one who told. She suspected anyway.

I do know that my XMM loves his wife or he would not have gone back to her. I have a child, I know the bond between a mother and a father. That is not something that can be erased or should be for that matter. Because he does love her and proved that to me by returning to her, I have left them alone. I respect the fact that they are trying to work on their marriage. I have told them that from the very beginning. I will always love him but that is something that he does not need to know anymore. I am hoping that he will be able to rekindle the feelings he once had for his wife for their children's sake.

Going on a date with an X. No, I cannot justify that. I sometimes feel as though if I do go out in the world and find someone who treats me like I should be treated it will help me to see what a bad situation I really was in and maybe move on. I have been dumped on by my XMM for the past 2 months and my self esteem is as low as it can be. What is wrong with going out on dates (and I don't mean anything sexual as I truly am not ready for that) and getting some positive reactions from someone.

The only thing that I am worried about my XH finding out is about how XMM's wife reacted toward me and the threats she made. Not for my sake, but our child's, he will feel a sense of having to protect his young, he may react badly. My XH knows that I moved on. Who I see is really none of his business as long as that person is fit to be around our son. It is all about our son between him and I.

And no, if it doesn't work out with this ex of mine I will not go back to my XH. It took me a long time to get out of that situation and I am not stupid enough to go back. I did tell him last night that he could not stay with me.

The reason I do write on this board is to get honest opinions and therefore I respect yours. I just wanted to know that there is much more to my life that what I write. I am a good mother and I am walking away from my MM even though I love him I have chosen to move on. I am sure that I will make mistakes in my life, that is how you learn, but I am trying to calculate my moves before I take them.

I hope this doesn't come off too harsh because I do respect your opinion. Thank you.

June 3, 2004

Thank you for responding and clarifying! I hear it now in your post that you do truly seem to be sure you wouldn't fall back into something so dangerous (since your Xhubby abused you). You didn't sound harsh and I want you to know that since you clarified why you called the GM of your XMM I see your reasoning. Good to know that you are not being vindictive and calling social services just to get back at him for what he did and her also! There are too many people in the world who use children as pawns!

And no there is nothing wrong with trying to find someone who treats you well as long as you realize that you do not NEED anyone to validate you! If you did choose to sleep with your other X then that's your business as long as you keep your priorities in order.

Leaving them alone is what is best for YOU and YOUR child! Forget them...yes you will be weak as all of us women tend to be when you lose someone you love but as long as you keep your head up and stay strong then good for you!

Posting on this board does open up everyone for criticism but then again that's what we're seeking obviously besides advice or else we wouldn't come here.

You mentioned that your XMM dumped on you for the past few months but honestly someone can only do what you allow them to do to you. I know you wanted to see the positive in the situation and thought he just needed to get out of the situation and he would be better off, you were probably right but sadly he just wasn't ready to get his life straight! Those nights she lured him back she probably did so with Meth but none the less he chose to go back.

It sounds like you feel the need to continue to rescue him and who doesn't when you love someone but sadly he doesn't sound like he can be or wants to be rescued! I know you said you have moved on and I think in most ways you probably have but I bet in the back of your mind and in your heart of hearts you are anxiously awaiting him to come back and "beg" you back and I hope when he does ((if he does)) that you are strong enough to send him back home but if not then be prepared for whatever follows whatever decision you make!

June 4, 2004

.hum...

Glad to know your doing ok.

Glad that you didn't let your x come stay with you.

June 7, 2004

Update 6/7/04:

Friday, I went on the date. We just ended up at his place watching TV, drinking and talking. I did manage to tell him about the pregnancy. He was shocked. He said that now he understood why I stopped speaking to him. He told me that he was so in love with me back then. In love with me like he has never been in love with another woman. He said he could fall back in love with me in a moments notice. I was honest with him. I told him that I was still madly in love with my XMM. They know each other, not friends but see each other in our small towns around here. He asked me to give him a chance. I told him that right now its impossible to do. I have to get myself over XMM. I just want to be friends but he said he wasn't going to give up. He was willing to wait for a while. He was still so sweet. We drank too much and I ended up staying the night. Just talking and hanging out basically.

He took me home Saturday morning. A friend and I took my son to see Harry Potter the movie. We stopped by and saw him for 10 minutes. But before we walked out the door, XMM's uncle called and told me that XMM wanted to talk to me. I said okay. So XMM called around 5. He told me that he still loved me and that he was holding onto hope that we could still be together. He asked me if I was going on a date and I told him that I already went. (He thought the date was on Saturday). I told him that I had fun but that it wasn't as amazing as being with him (stupid me stupid me!!) I told him that I was trying to live my life and trying to move on because we could never be together. Not unless she instantly got well and was willing to let him go, and we all know that isn't going to happen. He said he understood but wasn't giving up hope. I had to go, I couldn't talk to him anymore. And Finally I realized, he called to put himself in my head before I went on my date. That is so selfish! If he loved me, he would let me go because he knows that we cant be together. Thats sad because I love him with true love and I would not be selfish to his needs.

So Yesterday, SG and my friend and I took my son fishing. It was an okay day. SG calls me constantly and is so sweet. I catch myself comparing SG to XMM alot and I know that is wrong. I never did find a flaw in XMM. He was perfect to me and those are going to be too big of shoes to fill. I have to face reality here!

XH did call and he is understanding now. He is doing much better and I think things will work out for him. I hope so, he truly is a good guy free of drugs. Anyway thats my update.

June 8, 2004

Cool to hear that you had a good date with SG!!! Maybe IN TIME it could lead somewhere! I agree it was very selfish for your XMM to call to try and make you think twice about going out (good thing you had already been out the night before) I'm sure somewhere in this whole twisted mess he loves you a lot but obviously he has been home for quite awhile now. If he really wanted to show you he loved you he could have moved out with one of his family members, took the kids with him (or kept a careful eye on them) and tried to show he that he was done with his marriage. Sadly it didn't work out for you two but at least you're seeing the possibilities of moving on into the future without him! I hope this SG or whoever you end up dating is patient and makes you as happy as your XMM did when you two were living together!

June 10, 2004

I am feeling great! Don't have to worry about his and her crap anymore. I am so damn proud of myself. I knew I could do it. Its mind over matter. Anyone else need a good swift kick in the rump to get them going cause I'm up to it now. Life as an OW sucks and life as a strong independent woman rocks.

Sorry for the happy post! I know this is such a depressing place but damn, if I can do it, you gals can too.

Love,

Istilllovehimbuthavemylifebacknow

June 10, 2004

You shouldn't be sorry for the happy post! Congrads! Glad to hear things are going well for you!

July 26, 2004

Originally posted by istilllovehim
She says she cant be his wife so she will be the best friend he'll ever need. I am just going to continue to support both of them. She knows I am not evil, that I just happen to love the same man as her. A man who is actually her husband but not by heart anymore. She already burned that bridge.

Soooo....are we saying that sometimes it DOES work out with a MM?

July 26, 2004

Not for me, it didn't. I still miss him and his uncle called today and said that he still misses me and regrets ever leaving me but its too late. He cant break my heart anymore. Its actually really really sad.

Former IstillLoveHim (and I do) but now JarrodsLady

August 15, 2004

I have not emailed ex MM in 4 weeks.

It feels nice to not have all that tension and obsession about missing what we had.

I am still disappointed.

But, he had a choice, and I will never be 2nd ever again.

It's still sad because of our child together, but I am not holding him back if he ever wants to know anything. I am just not offering anything, its not up to me.

How is everyone else doing??

EMDR is great!

I have had 4 sessions already.

Look it up.

August 16, 2004

Glad you doing well

I have wanderd how you all were doing as well.

JarrodsLady how are things going with you these days?

August 28, 2004

I am still doing great. I am in a LPN program that lasts until June of next year so I am really busy. I am still with Jarrod. He moved in with me last week. I am not working now because of extensive program and things have been tough financially so Jarrod moved in so he could pay all the bills here and not have to pay mine and his both. We are so happy. We are trying to have a baby but no luck yet. Ya'll pray for me because I have been fighting stage 3 cervical cancer and who knows how long I'll have left before they have to do a hysterectomy. I want to have a few more children first...

I haven't talked to xMM since the end of things in May. His wife called a few times until Jarrod got on the phone and told her he would put a nasty end to her calling if she didn't get a handle on herself. The uncle doesn't tell me about xMM anymore because I told the uncle I didn't care what he feels, I am too happy with who I am with. Happier than I ever could have dreamed of being with him.

But thanks for asking.... Hope you're doing well also.

Hugs (((())))

Jarrods Lady

August 30, 2004

That is great to hear... You have been through a lot and you deserve to be happy.

I followed your story and keep watching to see how your doing.

Its great to know people over come the wanting to be with move on

Im so proud of you :):)

August 30, 2004

I decided that I would create a little website with pics of ex mm and our child, I emailed him just to tell him to look if he wants to see pics. I didn't want to hear back from him, and what a mistake, all he did was once again put me down and yell at me.

I'm such an idiot for being a sucker.

I'm going to delete my account and pictures and he can see nothing.

I hate him so much, I have been doing awesome and now here I am crying, thinking I was doing a nice thing.

Screw it, he is NOT worth it!

Thanks for listening.

August 30, 2004

I deleted the pics I had created....

He can log on and find nothing..end of story.

I will never do something nice again.

He can go on with life with nothing...

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I Still Love Him and I Am Working On Not Being The Other Woman

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