NotOverreacting Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 This afternoon my live in boyfriend made a very hurtful comment. I was sitting on the floor and he was on his laptop. I told him I thought he was in a miserable mood and he than says to me "I can see your cellulite". I had shorts on. So I asked him what makes him think that is an acceptable comment to make to his girlfriend, he wouldn't answer me. He got up and walked away. So I followed him and asked him again, he ignored me. So I asked him a third time, he than says "well you said I was miserable". I told him in no way, is that ever an ok thing to say to a woman that is sensitive about her weight, or to anyone for that matter. He said he was just "joking" and gave me an empty "I'm sorry". I was upset and didn't drop it, so he angrily left our apartment to go for a bike ride. I got in my car and went for a drive myself to calm down and when I got home a few hours later, he had returned. I brought it up again, and told him how much that hurt me and he rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting (which he says about everything). I explained why that isn't an ok thing to say, and he said "well I have said it to my sister". This is a 34 year old man, we are talking about. I told him AGAIN, that he shouldn't say that to anyone, especially his girlfriend. He than packed his bag and said he was going to work at his office. I tried to stop him and asked him, why is it that he says something awful to me and than expects me to get over it in a few hours. He says "I said I was sorry twice, and thats not good enough for you". It wasn't that it wasn't good enough, but its the way he said it - with no sympathy or regret. He didn't want to talk about it anymore so he walked out. How is that fair? My bf hurts me and than won't talk about it and leaves. He tries to make me feel that I'm not validated in my feelings, by leaving.
sm1tten Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 You can't make him be sorry about the comment if he really doesn't see what he has to be sorry for... only hopeful that since you spoke to him about it that he won't do it again. I don't really know what you can do here. Harping on it isn't going to make him more sorry. It's a pretty tasteless remark but unless he makes a habit of it, I'd probably let it go. It's a bigger concern that he invalidates your feelings but I frankly don't know how to deal with that, myself.
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Wow what an a-hole. There is nothing you can do to get rid of cellulite it is underneath the skin and no amount of creams or pills can fix it, I seriously hate now that the slightest sign of aging is looked down upon. I loved my mom and grandma cause they set awesome examples. Every smile line or wrinkle they said wasn't a wrinkle it was a beauty mark that proved to the world that they were wise and has gone through life having something to smile about. In my opinoin someone who makesand ignorant comment like that is just that ignorant.
Author NotOverreacting Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 You can't make him be sorry about the comment if he really doesn't see what he has to be sorry for... only hopeful that since you spoke to him about it that he won't do it again. I don't really know what you can do here. Harping on it isn't going to make him more sorry. It's a pretty tasteless remark but unless he makes a habit of it, I'd probably let it go. It's a bigger concern that he invalidates your feelings but I frankly don't know how to deal with that, myself. I know that if I said something mean to someone that I regretted I would do everything I could to try to make them understand I didn't mean it or show that I was sorry. He didn't even try.
dasein Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 You overreacted, and should expect similar comments when making "observations" about people's moods. It's just as rude as making comments about cellulite unless there are real grounds for it. If I had a nickel for every time a woman said "you seem..." and they were not only totally off-base but plainly trying to manipulate and stir up drama...
AHardDaysNight Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 You always want some monkey butt paste! ^ Err...back on topic. Yeah, your boyfriend definitely was a jerk! I can't imagine ever saying that to a woman, even if I didn't find her attractive anymore. I think you should end things with him, or at least get into relationship counseling. He needs to understand that saying things like that is not okay.
chelsea2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 That was incredibly rude and he shouldn't have said that. If I were in a better mood myself I would try to offer the right advice. Right now all I can offer is telling you to point out something he is sensitive about like, if he is going bald asking him if he is losing more hair or if he has a belly, how paunch his belly looks no matter how much he works out. But, no, that would be the immature thing to do...lol. But it's okay to think them and then walk away! Don't let him get you down, just walk away and keep yourself busy and just ignore him for now.
Star Gazer Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 What led up to you calling him miserable? I think you're glossing over that. Sounds like he just sniped back at you.
Professor X Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 What led up to you calling him miserable? I think you're glossing over that. Sounds like he just sniped back at you. Yeah, I'd also like to know a bit of a background to what led to that conversation; It feels like there's more to the story than meets the eye.
CatNtheHat Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) ...................... Edited August 21, 2011 by CatNtheHat
Lucky_One Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Sometimes you have to learn when to shut your mouth and let people get over upset feelings. Personally, I think he was in a bad mood, you pointed it out in a way that made him feel bad, so he shot something back designed to make you feel bad. And then you went on and on about it, rather than put some time and distance between the two of you to internalize your anger/hurt, so that you could talk about it like rational adults, instead of like a baby who walks away (or a pitbull who won't let go). In your post, you brought it up at least NINE times, and every time he told you or showed you that he wasn't ready to talk about it. Next time, you might want to let him have a few hours or an overnight to think about things before you push angry people even further into fury.
CatNtheHat Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Next time, you might want to let him have a few hours or an overnight to think about things before you push angry people even further into fury. He made a TOTALLY out of line and rude comment but SHE should be the one to sit back and wait for HIM? wtf? I don't think so. It should be the other way around. He should be the one apologizing and "following" her around. He owes her a HUGE apology and even then she should make him work for it.
Fondue Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 There is more to this story than you're letting on, to make yourself look like a victim. Clearly you shouldn't have made the first jab at him and called him out on his "miserable-ness." You pissed him off with a senseless comment, so he shot one back at you. I don't know what you should have expected.
CatNtheHat Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 There is more to this story than you're letting on, to make yourself look like a victim. Clearly you shouldn't have made the first jab at him and called him out on his "miserable-ness." You pissed him off with a senseless comment, so he shot one back at you. I don't know what you should have expected. I don't think there is ANY excuse for what he said. She pointed out a mood she was getting from him. Sure maybe she could have been less brazen, but he made a comment about a physical feature. That IMO crosses the line. No excuse for that- PERIOD.
chelsea2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 It depends upon the reason why he is so miserable. If he is a moody guy and he she constantly has to walk on egg shells around him then I can understand the occasional calling someone out. if she has to worry about this guy's fury, then that is a whole other story.
CatNtheHat Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 It depends upon the reason why he is so miserable. If he is a moody guy and he she constantly has to walk on egg shells around him then I can understand the occasional calling someone out. if she has to worry about this guy's fury, then that is a whole other story. I would never put up with a man making comments about my physical imperfections. There is no reason for what he said to her. It was a cheap low blow, meant to cause pain. That isn't love.
Fondue Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I don't think there is ANY excuse for what he said. She pointed out a mood she was getting from him. Sure maybe she could have been less brazen, but he made a comment about a physical feature. That IMO crosses the line. No excuse for that- PERIOD. I don't see it the way you do, miss. They both insulted each other. One made an insult regarding a person's current emotional state (which as you all know, can be very hurtful-- especially for a man who has to be "manly,") and the other made a comment about a person's physical imperfection. I see that as entirely equal. See, I think you're not judging this fairly. They both hurt each other by the same amount. Women are drawn to trying to be pretty and look good, and men are "supposed" to be strong willed (not pansies or emotionally weak). They both hit each other where it hurts the most. I dunno how you can argue the guy is the villain here.
CatNtheHat Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I don't see it the way you do, miss. They both insulted each other. One made an insult regarding a person's current emotional state (which as you all know, can be very hurtful-- especially for a man who has to be "manly,") and the other made a comment about a person's physical imperfection. I see that as entirely equal. See, I think you're not judging this fairly. They both hurt each other by the same amount. Women are drawn to trying to be pretty and look good, and men are "supposed" to be strong willed (not pansies or emotionally weak). They both hit each other where it hurts the most. I dunno how you can argue the guy is the villain here. Ok so the next time my bf says I'm in a bitchy mood I can tell him he has a small dick?
CatNtheHat Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I don't see it the way you do, miss. They both insulted each other. One made an insult regarding a person's current emotional state (which as you all know, can be very hurtful-- especially for a man who has to be "manly,") and the other made a comment about a person's physical imperfection. I see that as entirely equal. See, I think you're not judging this fairly. They both hurt each other by the same amount. Women are drawn to trying to be pretty and look good, and men are "supposed" to be strong willed (not pansies or emotionally weak). They both hit each other where it hurts the most. I dunno how you can argue the guy is the villain here. I think there is something wrong with you for thinking what he said is on the same level.
Kamille Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) I have cellulite and I probably would have laughed his comment off, as in: "Ok, so you are in a bad mood. What's going on sweetie?" Because the bottom line is: we still don't know why he was in such a miserable mood. It doesn't excuse the intention of his comment, but his own needs are still being completely ignored - as his need to recoup was ignored when she kept insisting he apologize when she needed him to apologize, and not when he might feel ready to do so. In essence, I think the main issue is that both partners deal with conflict differently. Cat, you said in another thread that you feel that in relationship is that both partner's meets are met. I feel that neither of their needs are met: his needs for space to cool down wasn't met, his need for support when feeling miserable wasn't met, her need for a genuine apology, as a result, wasn't met. There is a middle ground here, one that involves recognizing they both made mistakes: him by making that comment, her by hounding him for an apology. I hope the OP can step back, take responsibility for the part of the fight that she owns, and that the both of them can emerge stronger from this. ps: I saw the content of post 10. Edited August 21, 2011 by Kamille
xxoo Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think it makes a difference if this is out of character, or if he commonly lashes out with personal insults. It sounds like he was hurt, and lashed out. My response would be "Ouch, that hurt! Are you angry with me?" You may have touched on a sore spot without even knowing it. But I would be far less generous if this is common behavior from him. Another point--it never hurts to respond with humor rather than anger. Lean in, give him a kiss, and offer for him kiss your [insert accurate description] azz With a genuine smile, or course!
Lucky_One Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 He made a TOTALLY out of line and rude comment but SHE should be the one to sit back and wait for HIM? wtf? I don't think so. It should be the other way around. He should be the one apologizing and "following" her around. He owes her a HUGE apology and even then she should make him work for it. I disagree. I never said she should accept it. I said she should learn to give upset people space and time to deal with things. EVERYONE says rude/nasty/unwarranted things in the heat of anger or pain - giving people time to cool off is an excellent way to defusing a tense situation. Badgering someone who is in a bad mood NINE times about a comment he made is not a good way to get an apology OR a resolution.
Casablanca Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 What is the relationship like, do you guys normally joke on each other?
ja123 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Playing tit-for-tat by making the cellulite comment was harsh and unfair and really not a good way to create open ground for communication; but he did clearly feel attacked and judged by your miserable comment. You could have asked him:"How are you feeling today?" and not just say he looks miserable. Sometimes when people are feeling miserable they don't want to have it rubbed in their faces or feel like they're being judged for their emotions. Consider looking for "How to communicate, etc." on the net for tips about improving communication. I also wonder if something didn't happen between you both (whether or not you are conscious of it or not) the night before, and it being unresolved carried over in his mood the next day. Or maybe he is just not a morning person and needs some alone time to wake up and get grounded. Of course, only he can answer that. Making assumptions would not be helpful. Ask him.
sm1tten Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I know that if I said something mean to someone that I regretted I would do everything I could to try to make them understand I didn't mean it or show that I was sorry. He didn't even try. Except you're not him, and he's not you. (And for all you know, you did say something that he felt was mean, and he retaliated. We really don't know the context of your comment.) She told him how she felt, he apologised; she didn't accept because he didn't mean it, and then kept trying to force him to see her viewpoint after he didn't want to discuss it further. That's unhealthy and frankly, pointless. He clearly, at least in that moment, wasn't going to see it her way, so why not give him some space? By the same token, based off of her OP I don't think their comments were on the same level and I'm pretty sure he knew that. His comment was very clearly meant to hurt her feelings. We don't know what the intention behind hers was. So, I'm curious as to what happened when he came back.
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