lalalandman Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 So we dated for about 5 years. We had an on-off relationship. Basically, she broke up with me in May due to fighting ALOT. I think there may have been someone else in the mix, because her mom said to me "What if she finds someone else?" during our break up. Anyways, I spent a couple weeks telling her she was making a huge mistake. 2 weeks NC, she calls and wants to see me. Then she finds out I had contacted and old flame. Her an the old flame somehow speak with each other. She broke it off again and said she didn't love me anymore and to move on. Then after a couple weeks, I get another call and she tells me she loves me, but she doesn't want to work it out and to never speak with her again. So I changed my number. Flash forward 8 weeks. I text her and just say Hey it's me, I just want to re-open the line of communication. I get a call within about 20 seconds. We talk for less than 10 mins about things. I tell her I'm doing great and it's been an amazing summer. She tells me she wants to take a nap, but she's been receiving a bunch of texts. So I said Ok, well, go ahead and take a nap, I'm going to get going. She says no and immediately asks "Are you seeing anyone?" I changed the subject, and then said go take your nap. She asks again and I changed the subject and told her to take a nap. She asked why I contacted her and I just said "well I definitely don't hate you" She reciprocated. So she gets off the phone and calls back in 5 minutes. I pick up and she says "Why do you sound so happy??" In a surprised way/.... I just mention it's been a good summer and I said it's always good to hear from her. She then says "Well I don't want to see you or be in a relationship. I'm totally over it". I said Just cool it, relax, no pressure. So then she starts talking to someone next to her, then gets back and says "oh sorry". So I said I needed to go, and that was it. Later that night, I find out she contacted the old flame, a person I don't care for. The next day, I text my ex and say Hey, can you do me a big favor? She texts within like 5 secs. I said, "Listen please leave that alone. It's done. 4ever". After a couple texts, she finally says Ok, Goodnight. So that's it so far. I'm not seeing anyone. I did some casual dating in those 8 weeks, but nothing serious. Any ideas on this?
EgoJoe Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Yah, your information about the favor and conversation regarding is incomplete and therefore hard to grasp a perspective with regard to her response. Simultaneously she is very clearly ego-posturing defensively and experiencing a little dumper's remorse, grasping for control etc. Keep in mind most of this usually hides in the sub-conscious and she'll be justifying it in another way. Curiousity etc. You're doing good but you need to not ask for anything including favors. That was likely a setback, go read everything on al.turtlecounseling.com and www.bettermen.org (The $10 book is worth it, nevermind the mentoring just read the free tips.) Keep your head up.
Author lalalandman Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Eh I just got a call from her. I think I'm actually done. One of the reasons she left is because she said she wanted financial security. I have a job that pays $21/hr, but I guess it's not enough. So she calls crying and said she ****ed a doctor, and was seeing him for 2 weeks, but then he stopped calling back and told her she was psycho. She said she had unprotected sex with him. And I was like, gross. Then she started to say she had some escapades in Vegas as well and I told her to stop right there. She told me she wanted to die. I don't even know how to feel.
kichelka Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Wow. I'm sorry you had to hear that from her, and I question why she would volunteer that information to you. Who wants to hear something like that? She is too proud to admit she probably regrets leaving you, that is my guess. You deserve better.
Nsweet Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 In most cases people generally volunteer exactly what the want you rovings about them within the first five minutes of convorsation. Just last week a girl I walked home from the gym told me about her experiences with cocaine and casual sex. In your case she most likely has been sufferig from a guilty conscious ever since she broke up with you and has been in and out of strangers beds to help fill the void and feel loved if only for a little while. You could easily cast blame on her and convince yourself she is nothing but a "Gold Digger", but I want to take an educated guess and say she may have a problem with self esteem and manipulation whenever she feels out of control in any given situation. Consider yourself lucky now that you don't have to put up with her any longer. Even if months or years down the line you two decide to reconcile, she will most likely have to go through years of soul searching before she is happy with herself. Either way your best bet is completely cut her loose and move on. Just be very cautious of those little red flags women trip up when you talk to them in the future. You may find that you seem to attract the same type of women over and over, which will almost always end the same way. I know I was really bad about going after exciting damaged girls but I grew so sick of being their father figure, priest, and shrink just long enough for them to feel great again and then cheat. Go for a more comforting and friendly type, the one that looks good enough in sweat pants eating Chinese together rather than the hot party girl that always wants to show it off. I promise you'll be so much happier.
Author lalalandman Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Yea, I'm still sort of in shock. Thanks for all the replies. I basically just said I'm not sure why you're telling me all this. I told her I was sorry, and that there aren't many people out there to trust. Then I told her it may be a good idea to go get tested, and that our part of the world (SouthernCal) people are spreading all sorts of things. So I told her twice to go get checked. She said she wanted to die. My mom told me she may be lying about all of this to get me emotionally hooked, but I really don't think she is for some reason. Maybe I'm wrong. I told her I had to go and people were waiting for me inside the restaurant. I've been told to just leave this alone. I'm sort of heartbroken, but I also feel some strength still from the time I've had to heal. I don't really know what to do at this point. I feel helpless. I feel like this person I love is a stranger who I don't know anymore.
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betterdeal Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I doubt she knows why she's telling you this stuff. Maybe to hurt you, to get a rise from you, or a cry for help, or a bit of everything. What I do know, and what you do know, is that this interaction is hurting you. Taking the healing analogy another step, it's like two people with broken legs trying to help each other run a marathon. It doesn't work. Shut down those communication channels. You have some big wounds to heal and this interaction is just picking at the scabs. Change your phone number, block on social media, do not respond to any communication and do not communicate with her. No more contact.
Nsweet Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 From what she is saying to you I gather she's grasping at straws to get you back. Any sort of sympathy manipulation like suicide idiations if that person won't take them back or telling the other how they haven't eaten/slept/drank in days is just pathetic. It's an emotional breakdown and that partner needs to be felt with the same as child with a temper tantrum. You tell them you will talk when they calm down then ignore them completely until they do. Now I am not sure if she really did have multiple partners or if that was a jealousy routine like your said, it's up to your lie detectors to tell. I can tell you that people after a breakup will both try to hurt each other in an attempt to regain control and pacify their scorned feelings. The very mention that his profession was a "doctor" sounds fishy to me and more like a swing at what she didn't like about you. Even if she did finite there and have a few swings...who cares. You weren't together any more. Then all she did when you talked was discredit her honor and integrity, really hurt herself more than any thing. Of course she knows she has problems but you should not be telling her she needs help. In her mind she is 100% correct and any friction the other way will just make her more aggressive towards her original plan. I would really take some time to think about what you want to tell her before NC so you don't have a stalker on your hands or a confrontation in public. Try not to make it seem like you are better than her or making her feel guilty. The text if you're going to go that route should be how she was right and you too weren't meant for each other, you're sorry for acting so crazy after the breakup or hurting her, and you wish her well. There short, sweet, and too the point without casting blame or guilt. After the initial shock of this mature acceptance letter,her mind will actually deconstruct this to be the complete opposite a think of ways you two were great together and how she was wrong to dump you. The best part is that with the NC both of you should mature from this and have the chance later on to reconcile or become close friends. That would be up to your though.
Author lalalandman Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Yea true. But honestly, how was I supposed to respond to that?? I didn't think I was making her feel guilty as much as I was just saying be careful, you know.
betterdeal Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Stop focusing on the minutiae and look at the bigger picture.
Author lalalandman Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 I don't really understand how she's grasping at straws trying to get me back by telling me she screwed a doctor. Btw she's a nurse at a hospital. I feel sort of indifferent to the whole thing now that's it's been a couple days
betterdeal Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Me, I'd think, "big deal - man and woman had sex". She didn't want me so it's over.
Author lalalandman Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Just an update. I decided after all that crap she said, I would call her to see how she was doing. She called me late tonite, and sounded upbeat all of a sudden. I told her I wanted to make sure she was ok. She started to talk about the doctor she was seeing, and apparently he's a surgeon, meaning he's probably twice her age. I stopped her and just said "Listen, I'm not interested in your love life, not one bit. I just wanted to make sure you're still breathing after what you said. And get tested". She responded by saying "SO that's all you called to say". I said yep. That was it. I just feel dumb for still caring.
EgoJoe Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Lala...dude... I think you might be well served by telling her to seek Therapy and then changing your number again. That is my opinion.
Author lalalandman Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 I thinkkkkk you are very correct man
betterdeal Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Just an update. I decided after all that crap she said, I would call her to see how she was doing. She called me late tonite, and sounded upbeat all of a sudden. I told her I wanted to make sure she was ok. She started to talk about the doctor she was seeing, and apparently he's a surgeon, meaning he's probably twice her age. I stopped her and just said "Listen, I'm not interested in your love life, not one bit. I just wanted to make sure you're still breathing after what you said. And get tested". She responded by saying "SO that's all you called to say". I said yep. That was it. I just feel dumb for still caring. Then learn the lesson: it's over and further communication messes with your head. Change your number.
Author lalalandman Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Update. She calls me today and starts apologizing. For everything. She mentioned she's realizing her faults and the first step is admitting. She again called herself a bitch and blah blah blah. I stopped her and just said "If you're trying to relieve a guilty conscious, don't bother. You dont need to apologize to me. I don't hold any merit to your apology, but it is appreciated." I put up with alot of her crap over the years because I was in love. I was her rock and anchor. I've heard her apologies before. This one did nothing for me. I asked if that was it, and she said yes. I said alright and that was the end of the convo.
Author lalalandman Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 So I've had a day to sort of cool off from this. Anyone have any ideas as to her motives? First she asks if I'm seeing someone, then the next day she admits to screwing around all over town and banging a doctor who won't return her calls, says she wants to die, then 2 days later says she's ok and how she really liked the guy, then yesterday calls and decides to apologize for being a bitch for so long??? I don't get it
Author lalalandman Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 ok I just read BetterDeal's last response again. I guess that's my answer
betterdeal Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 She's not making sense so don't try to make sense of it. You're just getting upset by it all. F*ck that - No More Contact.
Author lalalandman Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Got a missed call from her today. She didn't leave a message or text so I just figure it's probably not that important.
EgoJoe Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Call her back and say, "A-yo bitch, dig this, get bent and stop calling." I'm kidding. CHANGE YOUR NUMBER! She needs therapy before she deserves the right to even earn the right to talk to you!
Nsweet Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I've been in the same situation with an ex I barely dated and Internet girls that didn't know when to quit. I finally figured what worked after trial and error. -If you offend her in any direct way it just makes you look low value and gives her the rational to keep contacting and getting under your skin as she sees fit. Of course, she will take a few shots at you and call you "jerk" or worse first. -If you beg,reason,or plead for her to stop she will just keep doing it like before. This method still gives her too much control. -The vest option is to slowly phase her out. Stop responding in negative replies, but don't openly invest in her either. All you have to do is respond less and less with less details each time. Responses like, "yes,no,maybe,idk,idc" should suffice. Be on the lookout for any drastic "hooks" which will seem like either cries for help or bitter resentment. Sooner or later it always stops but you may get an uninitiated contact about 6 months to a year later. Remain non-needy and withdrawn and you'll do fine.
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