Alison44 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with me. I broke up with my ex in Feb. 2011. I was heartbroken but the relationship was a headache and he wasn't into changing his behaviour. He wouldn't stop contacting me for three months so I reported him for harassment. He was warned by the police to leave me alone. Nothing more, just a warning. Now I had been given some space I really miss him and realise that I also did a lot wrong in the relationship and it wasn't entirely his fault. It's been six months since we saw each other but I'm wondering if he'd be willing to give it another go. I messaged him on facebook but he didn't reply and blocked me. I can understand why as the police told him that if he contacted me again, he would be arrested. However, that's only if the contact is unwanted by me. I can see now that I really messed things up. I don't think I am entirely to blame for this as he kept phoning and texting when I'd asked him over and over to leave me alone. My head is all over the place. Has this happened to anyone before? I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if it's because I miss him and the bad times are fading. I'm really confused. I realise the most rational thing to do is move on. I have done a lot to move on but am finding this so hard that I'm applying for jobs abroad to get some distance and get away. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been through this and come out the other side? What did you do?
WTRanger Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 A. Do you really thing he's changed or is it just going to be the same old crap as the last time? B. You called the cops on him. That's pretty much the last nail in the coffin. Even if he deserved it. DO NOT keep contacting him. His blocking of you pretty much says he wants zero to do with you, now or in the future. You know how annoyed you were when he wouldn't stop contacting you? So much you reported him to the police? Don't turn into what he was then, now. Leave him alone and move on. As you said, it's the logical thing to do. Besides, what did you expect him to do? He's under police orders not to talk to you, then you have the gall to talk to him?
dylan797 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Ya, leave him alone. You called the cops on him. Thats pretty much it. You should move on. You put yourself out there by contacting him. He rejected it. If you really wanted to m as ke it up to him, you have to write him and tell him you really ****ed up, that might get hom to respond.....maybe. But my advice, move on.
Author Alison44 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 I didn't cheat on him and I didn't treat him badly. He got verbally abusive and wouldn't leave me alone. I called the police to ask for advice on the situation and they said they would issue a harassment warning. He wasn't arrested just warned to leave me alone. It's only me who can contact him, not him me. It's only harrassment if I make a complaint which I wouldn't if I asked to speak to him. In the six months since we split up I've contacted him twice. The first time to apologise for getting the police involved as I didn't want it to go that far and I felt bullied. They insisted on speaking to him. I had only wanted advice should he continue or escalate his behaviour. The second time was the facebook message and I just apologised again and said hello. Nothing more. I'm am not in any way harrassing him. Maybe he doesn't want anymore to do with me but it isn't me who should be issuing apologies after the way he treated me. It isn't me who should be ashamed of their behaviour or feel bad for asking for police advice after being harrassed for months. The apology should be coming from him. He has never held himself accountable for the part he played in the breakdown of the relationship or the appalling way he treated me during the relationship. It seems I have just answered my own question.
SillyS Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I was reading some old posts on this site actually, and I ran into this one that discussed the roles of dumpers and dumpees and how sometimes their outlook and struggle changes. First the dumpees struggle as they see only the good, and feel depressed and emotional for some time dealing with the break up. But in the end, they come to terms with the decision, and realize that there was also a lot of bad in the realtionship. The dumpers tend to focus only on the bad to validate their decision of ending things, this is why there typically is a lot of "painting someone black" type behavior, but in the end they also realize that things were more even balanced in terms of mistakes and that there was also a lot of good in the relationship that needs to be focused on. So I think it's not strange that you feel this way. But just realize that, it's like the most balanced way to get over the whole thing as well. You saw the bad, and now you see the good as well. He saw the good and is aware of the bad as well. I would probably realize that there is not much you can do, perhaps in the future something will happen between the two of you but he could also be too hurt by your actions to give it another go in the future. So learn from this relationship and aftermath, and hopefully either with him or not, these lessons will help you in the fuutre.
2011aug Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 You called the cops on him. He has been warned by the cops not to contact you. You know his name is in the police files forever. I can see no reason why he should contact you further without him incurring some sort of legal complications.
WTRanger Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I didn't cheat on him and I didn't treat him badly. He got verbally abusive and wouldn't leave me alone. I called the police to ask for advice on the situation and they said they would issue a harassment warning. He wasn't arrested just warned to leave me alone. It's only me who can contact him, not him me. It's only harrassment if I make a complaint which I wouldn't if I asked to speak to him. In the six months since we split up I've contacted him twice. The first time to apologise for getting the police involved as I didn't want it to go that far and I felt bullied. They insisted on speaking to him. I had only wanted advice should he continue or escalate his behaviour. The second time was the facebook message and I just apologised again and said hello. Nothing more. I'm am not in any way harrassing him. Maybe he doesn't want anymore to do with me but it isn't me who should be issuing apologies after the way he treated me. It isn't me who should be ashamed of their behaviour or feel bad for asking for police advice after being harrassed for months. The apology should be coming from him. He has never held himself accountable for the part he played in the breakdown of the relationship or the appalling way he treated me during the relationship. It seems I have just answered my own question. So, you only wanted advice from the police. Then, behind your back, the police issued a warning to him? Is it me, or does that not compute? Usually, in most policed countries, you have to ask the police to issue the warnings. You have to go through a decent amount of leg work just to prove your case in order to get them to actually issue said warning. It's not a oh, I was just emotional that week, but it's no big deal. Why are you wanting to get in contact with this guy again? You paint him in such a negative way, I cannot fathom why an emotionally healthy person would go back to contacting someone like that. If he treated you so horribly, why get anywhere close to his life? Why go seek him out?
Author Alison44 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 So, you only wanted advice from the police. Then, behind your back, the police issued a warning to him? Is it me, or does that not compute? Usually, in most policed countries, you have to ask the police to issue the warnings. You have to go through a decent amount of leg work just to prove your case in order to get them to actually issue said warning. It's not a oh, I was just emotional that week, but it's no big deal. Why are you wanting to get in contact with this guy again? You paint him in such a negative way, I cannot fathom why an emotionally healthy person would go back to contacting someone like that. If he treated you so horribly, why get anywhere close to his life? Why go seek him out? There was no case to prove. I went to the police for advice on ex calling and texting when I had asked him to stop. It wasn't stopping despite me asking him to leave me alone. Police said they would speak to him in order to ask him to stop contacting me. I said that I didn't want it to go that far. I just wanted advice because he was becoming abusive. I wanted to know what I should do in order to get him to stop. The police said they would ask him to stop contacting me. If he contacts me again after the warning, he gets arrested. They said that it was in my best interest to warn him. They said that it may escalate as he was becoming threatening. For my own safety I was advised to make a statement. Not all countries carry the same amount of "legwork". He was not arrested. There were no court proceedings. I did what I was advised by the police to do. I did not want it to go that far but they said that should it escalate this was the best way of nipping it in the bud. Does that compute? As for why I want to contact him again, I'm not entirely sure. It's what I'm trying to work out. I think it's just wishful thinking on my part that he may have had time to reflect (as I have) and things could be different. Again, I suppose that's fantasy.
westrock Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 He is afraid to talk with you and rightly so. You could have had your telephone carrier just block his number, but obviously you felt threatened enough to call the police. When you called the police for advice, they took it seriously and they did their job. Not sure what other kind of advice you were expecting from the the police. Your ex has no idea what you told the police. You may think it was just a "warning", but from his perspective if he talks with you, he will be arrested. Even if you initiate the conversation, why would he take that chance? If he starts talking with you again all it will take is one call by you to the police to say he's been contacting you and they will arrest him. In this situation, you're best to just move on. If you have unresolved issues, best to speak with a therapist and not try to speak with the ex.
Author Alison44 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 I think that all makes perfect sense. It's not like anybody got in trouble, it's just too bad that the police needed to be involved. Why exactly do you feel like thinking that it's just wishful thinking, or a fantasy? Was the relationship that "unhealthy" ? The police were involved because I was freaking out. My ex was just contacting me and he was angry and wasn't telling me what he wanted. I hadn't wanted to break up with him but there were significant problems in the relationship and I couldn't handle it. So it was very difficult to make that decision and then stick to it. He was always giving me very mixed signals. He made out that he wasn't really all that into me so his contacting me for over three months after the split, was very surprising. I went into a downward spiral where I was in so much pain that it was a major effort of will to move out of the house. Him contacting me was just making me worse and making it difficult to move on. I changed my cell and then he started calling my house number. I blocked his phone on my home phone and he started calling with another number. I then called the police for advice. When he had finally left me alone and I had time to reflect, I realised that it wasn't all him, that I had dealt with the relationship in a difficult way. I contacted him and he blocked me on facebook. I don't feel sure enough to give him my new number yet. He unblocked me on Facebook which I took as a signal that he was receptive to further contact. I recently wrote him a long email explaining the reason for the police, that I had been working on myself and my issues and would be willing to talk should he wish to do so. He hasn't replied so it looks as though it's dead in the water. I don't think he's seeing anyone else but I can understand his reticence. I'm not even sure if getting together with him again would be a very good idea. Especially if he is blaming me and hasn't spent any time looking at himself or how he also contributed to the break down of the relationship. I would be willing to meet up to talk and see how things go and if we agree there's a way forward then moving very very slowly forwards. But from the way things are looking now, that ain't on the cards.
cowboysmavs Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 He really really really wanted you back. Tried and tried and you called the police. That was probably a clear sign to move the hell on and he has would be my guess. Us guys can only try so hard before we let those feelings and realize its over. If you want to try and get through I would tell him sorry about the cops and exactly why you did it. In all honesty though it sounds like you're not even sure you want to get back with him. Maybe your just lonely right now.
proteinshake25 Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Ughhh cmon now. I've read half this thread, and you cant just say you made a mistake reporting him to the police. Stop tryna defend yourself acting like you were contacting the cops for relationship advice. You need to write a letter and sign it, send it to him, explaining how you made a mistake, and the harrasment allegations were not severe enough. Something where he can atleast feel safe. I feel for the guy. Thats real hurtfull, and self-depreciating to a guys self esteem when the authorities have to get invovled. I understand you did it out of spite, he probably did things outta spite as well. But you need to admit to him, that you were wrong about what you did, and try to make ammends. Good luck, Im sure there are still feelings there.
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