Shame :(

[Viv]

I feel so humiliated! I used to think of myself as someone who had self-respect, but over the last month I've humiliated myself so much, I cringe when I think about it. My husband treated me like total rubbish, slagged me off to all his friends and family, wouldn't answer texts, calls, emails...and I kept asking him to change his mind, that I would change whatever he didn't like about me.

 

Now the shock has gone, the total embarrassment and awareness of how low I became is sinking in

[Nohbody]

You know, most of us have done humiliating things and weren't married.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. No one worth your time will judge you as you go through this. You are doing the best you can, and there is no shame in that.

[Kamille]

Viv, I don't know the whole story, but I would caution you against internalizing his actions. I wish that instead of feeling shame, you would allow yourself to feel anger.

 

As you know, there are four stages to accepting the end of a meaningful relationship: denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance.

 

Your requests for him to change his mind? Just part of the normal bargaining stage. Perfectly normal in healthy humans. It shows you were genuine and you cared.

 

Anger is important because it's you standing up for yourself.

[Viv]

I know you're right, that's what I would tell my friends if they were in my position, but I saw some of these texts he sent to friends and family making fun of me for being so upset, and wanting us to try again, and they are stuck in my head, and making me wonder what else he has said to people.

 

But, it shouldn't matter to me what his friends, family think as they will obviously be on his side, having heard a very one-sided story.

 

Will try and get angry! I do sometimes, but then feel pathetic again. Anger would be much healthier when someones treated me like this. Thank you, needed someone else to point it out

[reimeivn]

he doesnt care about your feelings when he talked like that to people about you. i suggest you dont care about him neither.

 

life is long, live and see if he can have another one who is as good as you are in the relationship. the next person will even be doing the same thing he did to you. i bet it is the case.

[Viv]

Yes, and I would never have made fun of him like that, still can't out of some very misplaced loyalty. I wonder how long it will take for me to accept what he's really like? Being in love made me really blind :/ and I still can't get my head round the fact that he's not who I thought he was...really want to accept it soon.

[reimeivn]

everybody is blind so dont be too hard on yourself. just think what would you think if you do the things he did? you would feel what he feels, and you would understand him better. as somebody who was not the one you fell in love with mind you.

 

for me its like 4 months out, i pray and i had some visions. before i just know it, i dont really understand it in my heart so it was hard. but you will come to that point soon. i think you are older than me and wiser also so you will get there quicker.

 

and dont feel too humiliated. he just didnt appreciate what he has and he never will. guys dont change. honestly. the guy that hurt you will be the guy that hurts the next person he is with the same way. unless she hurts he first so he understand how it feels like and stop doing that. but you too nice you would never do that and that would never work out between you guys.

[Viv]

Yes he's done the same to girls before, so will probably go on and do it again...

 

I'm a bit older but not wiser . I think it's true that break-ups get easier to deal with when you've been through it a few times, I'm more messed up with this one as we were married so I'd let my guard down.

 

Hope it's getting easier for you.