chinonuna Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 So Ive been with this girl for 6 months. It was fun hardly any arguments and when we did have problems we would make up within that day. We me at college and started off as friends. Summer came and we live coast aparts. She lives in Oregon and I in Virginia. Anyway Couple weeks before we go back to school, we talk and she broke up with me because she thinks we are from way too different worlds....I asked her was it the long distance she said no. I was devastated and depressed and emotional. She wanted to still be friends but I said no. A week into No contact I was recovering, she texted me that she needs to know if I am bringing dadda....I forgot to mention we are renting an apartment together this year..i know stupid me. Anyway we began limited contact through that ....from there we started texting like we used to like we were dating. I missed her and wanted to tell her that and wanted her back but I was planning to do it in person. Yesterday I went out with nice girl and I told my ex that i was going out to dinner and movie with a friend, the girl I went out in was not a date...she is a friend who is trying to comfort me during the breakup...she came down to hang out with me....my ex asked whether it was a date. I didnt answer. The outing was nice but definitely not a date. My ex texted me how was the date, I replied the movie was ok but the dinner was great. She then replied so your admitting it was a date. I told her I plead the 5th, because I didnt think it was her business to know, she broke up with me right.......She asked me what movie did I see, I told her and she replied "Aww thats sweet. Is she cute?" I told her why does it matter and she replied "it didnt, just curious." FYI the girl I was with was a hottie. I didnt tell my ex that though because I felt that she is now have put me in the friend area..which I dont want to be... I am going back to no contact but I go back this monday and she comes back tuesday..I am afraid when I see her I'll blurt out that I love her and attempt to kiss her. Anyway I just want to know have I ruined my chances of getting her back. Why did my ex reply like that, like she was so supportive of me dating another girl literally 2 weeks after we broke up....What should I do? Should I tell my ex how I feel, I miss her and want her back???? SN: The girl I went out with sorta has a crush on me, but she understand my situation and we are deciding to be friends for now..
ja123 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 ....I forgot to mention we are renting an apartment together this year.... Ouch! That could be rough! Any chance you can get out of it? What happens if she is absolutely not going to be your GF again and she starts bringing guys back to the place?
Nsweet Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 You could not have done things MORE PERFECT! Believe it or not after you started building up comfort again and chatting "like you were dating", your date with a friend actually helped you by signaling two very important attraction qualities. These signals: "attractive to other women", and "independence" will work well in your favor with a bit of NC or limited contact so long as you display to your ex that you're not in any kind of relationship and therefore can be attained, but not easily you're "a prize catch". You can even go as far as to disqualify your date by her looks or personality to your ex and hint that you are looking for those qualities your ex has. Pick up on something your ex doesn't like about herself like her laugh or her bubble butt and jokingly talk about how you used to not have a preference but now you kind if like those things. Under no circumstances though should you over qualify your ex and put her up on a pedestal so high he can't be knocked down, this goes ten fold for those powerful phrases "I love you" and "I miss you". You can hint just slightly and talk about good memories you both share but not too much to the point you make her uncomfortable. Remember to keep things light and slowly build up the rationship over time. Don't hint at any future times together other than spur of the moment and don't talk about any serious relationship talks. Your best bet is to have little sparkles of improved character and personality come out each time you talk instead of one big needy bang. You show her confidence, responsibility, unstopable motivation, and an independent desireless attitude with that "I want you but I don't need to have you" mentality she is bound to notice. In other words BE the kind of guy you would be attracted to and not an actor full of huff, and fluff, and stuff.
guccimane99 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I want to be honest the last thing an ex wants to see u do no matter what is move on. They like having u as a plan B when all else fails they got u to lean back on. U are doing very good but dont bring up the relationship at all let her do it if she was the one that broke it off. I have learned dont ever get all upset when a ex moves on its their loss. Just be you improve and when she sees others taking intrest she will know she lost something. People dont know what they go till its gone and they dont see what they had until its to late. Just be happy and remember u did live without her before.
Nsweet Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Consider yourself lucky you're not in any deep commitment like marriage or have a child together. It will be easier to let her go if you have to, and so much simpler to reconcile .Let her think that she has made the right decision by not forcing her to see things you're way, and encourage her to be free. No one ever wants to feel easily let go when they make such a fuss to quit. It takes the power out of the power tripper and eases the situation, much like hostage negotiations where the demands are communicated and the police force does everything they can to agree and calm the agressor long enough to move in. You must agree whole-hearted with her with how you "used to act", then disqualify the one trait she loved most about you, appologize for how you acted post breakup with aknowleging her feelings at that time,and finally agree with her demands. For instance you could tell her or write her, "I wanted to let you know that I have given this some thought and I feel the same way about us. We wouldn't have made a good couple for long, because I'm just not a kind and gently kind of guy, I realize that now. I feel so sorry about how crazy I acted and I hope I did't upset you. Take care and have fun on your journey! [your name here]" As soon as she hears or reads this I can guarantee she will be shocked and grasping for control over you again. Later on after she cools down she will rationalize with you that you were a good couple, but not meant to be (which is ok for now, reconciliation takes patience), then she will qualify you as a good person (if she isn't still upset). She might even tell you she forgives you for upsetting her and make some sort of future plans to contact you. Even if she tells you off after this it downs mean anything more than her need towel in control again. Now you can go NC for about a month to two months and focus onbikproving yourself and removing the sting of the breakup. Delete her from your profile pages and friend lists, and remove all shreds that she was ever there. When you do feel like contacting her you will be so un-needy and over her that nothing she does will upset you whatsoever! This will complete throw her off because you can't even get over a pet that fast let alone a lover, even though she thinks about you as much a you do her. The beauty of NC with self improvement is that it makes you more mysterious and desirable. The same man who used to kiss her feet and bring her flowers to win her over has changed onto someone she feels she needs to impress because you will be so damn fun and rewarding to talk to. She will be shocked to say the least because at some point she will need to re-validate her own judgement over dumping you. If you greet her 30lbs heavier and unkept with no ambition other than groveling at her feet, she will only feel better about dumping you. On the other hand, if you meet up over coffee six months from now (after 4 months of off and on talking) and you're thinner and better looking, wearing nice clothes and calogne, and have unstoppable motivation/ambition for life. She is going to take notice, maybe even regret leaving you once she sees what a glorious person you've become.
ja123 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 You could not have done things MORE PERFECT! Believe it or not after you started building up comfort again and chatting "like you were dating", your date with a friend actually helped you by signaling two very important attraction qualities. These signals: "attractive to other women", and "independence" will work well in your favor with a bit of NC or limited contact so long as you display to your ex that you're not in any kind of relationship and therefore can be attained, but not easily you're "a prize catch". You can even go as far as to disqualify your date by her looks or personality to your ex and hint that you are looking for those qualities your ex has. Pick up on something your ex doesn't like about herself like her laugh or her bubble butt and jokingly talk about how you used to not have a preference but now you kind if like those things. Under no circumstances though should you over qualify your ex and put her up on a pedestal so high he can't be knocked down, this goes ten fold for those powerful phrases "I love you" and "I miss you". You can hint just slightly and talk about good memories you both share but not too much to the point you make her uncomfortable. Remember to keep things light and slowly build up the rationship over time. Don't hint at any future times together other than spur of the moment and don't talk about any serious relationship talks. Your best bet is to have little sparkles of improved character and personality come out each time you talk instead of one big needy bang. You show her confidence, responsibility, unstopable motivation, and an independent desireless attitude with that "I want you but I don't need to have you" mentality she is bound to notice. In other words BE the kind of guy you would be attracted to and not an actor full of huff, and fluff, and stuff. This advice sounds like a good how-to program, but based on a faulty premise. My question is why would you even try at this point? She dumped you ... why invest energy into trying to "BE the kind of guy ... [she] would be attracted to..." I think she isn't worth it and trying to change yourself to win her back is just going to lead you off your path, not to mentioned loads of energy that you could be investing elsewhere. Your ego is hurt right now (that's normal) but don't try to fix your hurt ego by trying to get this girl's approval. It doesn't matter what she thinks of you. Who is she anyway?You're the important one here! Feel the pain so you can move on. Also, don't move in with this chick. It's nothing but trouble. There's always a way out. Find it and don't take any sh*t - get your name taken off the lease, find someone to sublet and get their name on the lease, pay a penalty (only if you have to). Then you'll be free to concentrate on your studies and maybe even date the "friend" you went out with the other night; if not, then other girls. You may need to cut all contact with your EX (at least for a while) in order to get over it and move on. Try to think, "It's good that I'm no longer with her so that I can be available for the relationship that is right for me."
Shaun-Dro Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 So Ive been with this girl for 6 months. It was fun hardly any arguments and when we did have problems we would make up within that day. We me at college and started off as friends. Summer came and we live coast aparts. She lives in Oregon and I in Virginia. Anyway Couple weeks before we go back to school, we talk and she broke up with me because she thinks we are from way too different worlds....I asked her was it the long distance she said no. I was devastated and depressed and emotional. She wanted to still be friends but I said no. A week into No contact I was recovering, she texted me that she needs to know if I am bringing dadda....I forgot to mention we are renting an apartment together this year..i know stupid me. Anyway we began limited contact through that ....from there we started texting like we used to like we were dating. I missed her and wanted to tell her that and wanted her back but I was planning to do it in person. Yesterday I went out with nice girl and I told my ex that i was going out to dinner and movie with a friend, the girl I went out in was not a date...she is a friend who is trying to comfort me during the breakup...she came down to hang out with me....my ex asked whether it was a date. I didnt answer. The outing was nice but definitely not a date. My ex texted me how was the date, I replied the movie was ok but the dinner was great. She then replied so your admitting it was a date. I told her I plead the 5th, because I didnt think it was her business to know, she broke up with me right.......She asked me what movie did I see, I told her and she replied "Aww thats sweet. Is she cute?" I told her why does it matter and she replied "it didnt, just curious." FYI the girl I was with was a hottie. I didnt tell my ex that though because I felt that she is now have put me in the friend area..which I dont want to be... I am going back to no contact but I go back this monday and she comes back tuesday..I am afraid when I see her I'll blurt out that I love her and attempt to kiss her. Anyway I just want to know have I ruined my chances of getting her back. Why did my ex reply like that, like she was so supportive of me dating another girl literally 2 weeks after we broke up....What should I do? Should I tell my ex how I feel, I miss her and want her back???? SN: The girl I went out with sorta has a crush on me, but she understand my situation and we are deciding to be friends for now.. I'm working on getting my ex back as well. We only dated 2 months, but I feel it ended prematurely and stupidly so I got to rectify it soon, which I will!
Author chinonuna Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Thanks for the advice everyone....its gonna be interesting year. Right now I am taking baby steps...I dont want to rush things or make her feel rushed. so i am keeping limited contact until I know what I want. Im trying to see if I can stay with a friend until I can get an apartment of my own but thanks. Its kind of funny how true ja123....if she is not interested in me anymore then there is nothing/no point of fighting for her. I guess its time to move on
Nsweet Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Here is a good list of do's and don'ts from marriage counselor and divorce coach Michelle Weiner Davis I though might help you. http://www.infidelity.com/forum/180-t1138.html Just take a few minutes to mull it over and pick up a few good concepts. For good measure after you've regained control over your emotions and desire to contact your ex after a month or so of NC, take another look at this list and start up slowly with a limited investment approach. If you want to improve yourself you could always start by developing better communication skills, learn to interpret body-language, and possibly lie detection (more difficult of the three). I promise you may forget the French you learned in high school but you will appreciate bodylanguage because you can read people better and learn to go into a situation and know what the other persons intentions are. -Take heed especially in not talking about the relationship or any future speak of you two which creates unnecessary tension. This one especially screw me up a few weeks ago because emotions were unstable on both sides. -Move on with your life and learn to have fun without her. Later on if you choose she can share some of your time, but not all of it.
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