Calls all day but won't be exclusive

[Aurora8]

I've been seeing this guy and if I were just paying attention to his actions, I'd say he's consistent and into me. He calls and texts several (to many) times a day, every day. Even while he was away on vacation (a couple times while he was shopping.. Got something for me, and my daughter who he hasn't even met yet). The level of contact makes things (for me) feel like we are more than we actually are. The exclusive talk came up because of this and because I wanted him to know where I stand regarding preferring to date (and have sex with) only one man at a time. He has told me that he is looking for serious relationship and wants to build a real and lasting thing with someone. He told me that he likes me a lot, thinks we have potential and "wants to see where this goes". He also let me know that he is not ready to be exclusive (it's only been 3-4 weeks), he is not 'actively' pursuing dating new people, he does talk to/text two other women but says he knows it's not going anywhere.

 

For me, if I see decent potential, I like to 'see where it goes' while just dating that person. I would probably be okay with giving it more time to go exclusive, and even maybe accept a date with someone else, if it weren't for the level of contact. I mean, this guy will call, chat for a few and then say okay I'll call back after I do such n such, or okay, call me when you get home.. Then I do and it's, okay call me after you eat, okay call me before you go to sleep, etc etc. I imagine trying to go on a date, which normally I'd go about it low-key, and feeling like I either have to be blunt, or end up feeling like I'm blowing him off/ignoring his calls. It's like he's got me in a place where he wants his options open for some reason, but wants contact with me all day and checks in like we're BF/GF.

 

I've seen advice here about exclusivity and know that actual actions and behavior says more than some title. (and I'm not even asking for a title btw) but I still question how I'm supposed to relax and trust the good parts when, for all I know, he could be being like this with someone else at the same time. And how would I date another when this guy knows everything I'm doing all day? I've been thinking about decreasing the phone calls/access he has to me, I just unsure about how to do that gracefully.. I don't want to hurt things if there really is potential but how it is doesn't exactly sit right with me either. Though he certainly 'acts' like he's very intent and into me.

 

Any thoughts, advice, or even insight on something I may not be seeing? Thanks.

[Pierre]

I've been seeing this guy and if I were just paying attention to his actions, I'd say he's consistent and into me. He calls and texts several (to many) times a day, every day. Even while he was away on vacation (a couple times while he was shopping.. Got something for me, and my daughter who he hasn't even met yet). The level of contact makes things (for me) feel like we are more than we actually are. The exclusive talk came up because of this and because I wanted him to know where I stand regarding preferring to date (and have sex with) only one man at a time. He has told me that he is looking for serious relationship and wants to build a real and lasting thing with someone. He told me that he likes me a lot, thinks we have potential and "wants to see where this goes". He also let me know that he is not ready to be exclusive (it's only been 3-4 weeks), he is not 'actively' pursuing dating new people, he does talk to/text two other women but says he knows it's not going anywhere.

 

For me, if I see decent potential, I like to 'see where it goes' while just dating that person. I would probably be okay with giving it more time to go exclusive, and even maybe accept a date with someone else, if it weren't for the level of contact. I mean, this guy will call, chat for a few and then say okay I'll call back after I do such n such, or okay, call me when you get home.. Then I do and it's, okay call me after you eat, okay call me before you go to sleep, etc etc. I imagine trying to go on a date, which normally I'd go about it low-key, and feeling like I either have to be blunt, or end up feeling like I'm blowing him off/ignoring his calls. It's like he's got me in a place where he wants his options open for some reason, but wants contact with me all day and checks in like we're BF/GF.

 

I've seen advice here about exclusivity and know that actual actions and behavior says more than some title. (and I'm not even asking for a title btw) but I still question how I'm supposed to relax and trust the good parts when, for all I know, he could be being like this with someone else at the same time. And how would I date another when this guy knows everything I'm doing all day? I've been thinking about decreasing the phone calls/access he has to me, I just unsure about how to do that gracefully.. I don't want to hurt things if there really is potential but how it is doesn't exactly sit right with me either. Though he certainly 'acts' like he's very intent and into me.

 

Any thoughts, advice, or even insight on something I may not be seeing? Thanks.

 

If you are falling for him you should not date other men. IMHO, that would be like mixing a glass of very good wine with cheap wine, What is the point?

 

He is already exclusive with you as he is dedicating 100% of his efforts to you. However, he does not want to fully commit into a more formal GF/BF relationship because he barely knows you.

 

By the same token you barely know him and there is no point in accelerating things. IMHO, "too much too soon" often leads to trouble.

 

Do not play stupid dating games by not taking his calls. Unless, you truly do not want to talk or see him anymore.

[ja123]

From experience, I agree with Pierre that "too much to soon" often leads to trouble.

 

However, I myself would feel a great deal of attachment if a man were paying me that kind of attention. I think it's only normal.

 

The truth is that you hardly know one another.

 

I'd let him know that his constant attention, though appreciated, is creating premature attachment on your end and that you'd like to slow things down. And speak to him waaaay less frequently. Let him know that by slowing things down doesn't mean that you're not interested in seeing how things go with him; but that it's too much too soon and it's for the health of a potentially real relationship.

 

Right now, it's still in "the dream" phase, and it's too easy to put emotional investment in it. Although this can be easier said than done, do other things that nourish you outside of dreaming of him. This could include keeping your options open and dating other men, but it could mean seeing friends, taking your daughter to the museum, learning something new, exercising, etc. In short: investing in you!

 

Good luck!

[bluenightowl]

He also let me know that he is not ready to be exclusive (it's only been 3-4 weeks), he is not 'actively' pursuing dating new people, he does talk to/text two other women but says he knows it's not going anywhere.

 

Generally I think you are in a good place. You have talked about things and it appears he is being quite open with you. That is all good.

 

The only odd part to me is that he did mention he's not pursing anyone else but is talking to other women. I would then keep your emotions in check if he is still at that stage and perhaps even avoid getting intimate until things are more certain. My guess is you are more interested than he is at the moment, but that could change. Also keep busy with your own life. You should be number one.

 

I suspect there is a good chance you'll just become exclusive without even having to talk about it in the near future.

[OliveOyl]

He's calling and texting a lot, but are you seeing each other face-to-face a lot, that is, having dates?

[Yellow_Duck'y]

If you're both comfortable with seeing other people right now, as you get to know each other better, then try to relax and have fun. Dating exclusively is a choice to deepen the intimacy. Thank him for his full disclosure and keep going out. If after time it feels stagnant then you may have to change your expectations.

[Suzy Weiss]

I've been seeing this guy and if I were just paying attention to his actions, I'd say he's consistent and into me. He calls and texts several (to many) times a day, every day. Even while he was away on vacation (a couple times while he was shopping.. Got something for me, and my daughter who he hasn't even met yet). The level of contact makes things (for me) feel like we are more than we actually are. The exclusive talk came up because of this and because I wanted him to know where I stand regarding preferring to date (and have sex with) only one man at a time. He has told me that he is looking for serious relationship and wants to build a real and lasting thing with someone. He told me that he likes me a lot, thinks we have potential and "wants to see where this goes". He also let me know that he is not ready to be exclusive (it's only been 3-4 weeks), he is not 'actively' pursuing dating new people, he does talk to/text two other women but says he knows it's not going anywhere.

 

For me, if I see decent potential, I like to 'see where it goes' while just dating that person. I would probably be okay with giving it more time to go exclusive, and even maybe accept a date with someone else, if it weren't for the level of contact. I mean, this guy will call, chat for a few and then say okay I'll call back after I do such n such, or okay, call me when you get home.. Then I do and it's, okay call me after you eat, okay call me before you go to sleep, etc etc. I imagine trying to go on a date, which normally I'd go about it low-key, and feeling like I either have to be blunt, or end up feeling like I'm blowing him off/ignoring his calls. It's like he's got me in a place where he wants his options open for some reason, but wants contact with me all day and checks in like we're BF/GF.

 

I've seen advice here about exclusivity and know that actual actions and behavior says more than some title. (and I'm not even asking for a title btw) but I still question how I'm supposed to relax and trust the good parts when, for all I know, he could be being like this with someone else at the same time. And how would I date another when this guy knows everything I'm doing all day? I've been thinking about decreasing the phone calls/access he has to me, I just unsure about how to do that gracefully.. I don't want to hurt things if there really is potential but how it is doesn't exactly sit right with me either. Though he certainly 'acts' like he's very intent and into me.

 

Any thoughts, advice, or even insight on something I may not be seeing? Thanks.

I think this guys behavior is very controlling. He makes sure he know where you are and what you are doing 24/7. He is playing the game on his terms and you are going along with it.

 

You talk about his calls but you say very little about when you see him one on one. He is not being straight forward with you.

 

Be aware there are men out there that will use you to get to your daughter. When I read that he told you he bought something for you and your daughter that he has never met made me think something is not right here. My advice is stop contact with him and see what happens. Don't put yourself and your daughter at risk.

[Pierre]

If you're both comfortable with seeing other people right now' date=' as you get to know each other better, then try to relax and have fun. Dating exclusively is a choice to deepen the intimacy. Thank him for his full disclosure and keep going out. If after time it feels stagnant then you may have to change your expectations.[/quote']

 

Absolute rubbish. You only keep dating if the guy shows no promise. In other words, keep looking. However, if you find someone that seems to be a keeper you should immediately only date that person to see where it goes.

 

Lets play devil's advocate and pretend you found someone that seems perfect. How could you determine if the person is a keeper or not while you are romantically engaging several others. To me this sort of activity clouds the issue and cheapens dating quite a bit.

 

If I date a woman and we click and there is great promise for a long term relationship I would have no desire to date other women. That does not mean that I am moving too soon. It simply means that I want to explore the woman with no outside interference.

 

How could I evaluate a potential long term relationship while seeing a few other women? What is the point?

[Pierre]

I think this guys behavior is very controlling. He makes sure he know where you are and what you are doing 24/7. He is playing the game on his terms and you are going along with it.

 

You talk about his calls but you say very little about when you see him one on one. He is not being straight forward with you.

 

Be aware there are men out there that will use you to get to your daughter. When I read that he told you he bought something for you and your daughter that he has never met made me think something is not right here. My advice is stop contact with him and see what happens. Don't put yourself and your daughter at risk.

 

 

I don't think you cannot tell the difference between controlling and being infatuated by simply reading this thread.

 

By the same token you cannot diagnose pedophilia because he got the kid a present.

 

Nevertheless, all single women should be alert and within that context your advice is good.

[Yellow_Duck'y]

If I date a woman and we click and there is great promise for a long term relationship I would have no desire to date other women. That does not mean that I am moving too soon. It simply means that I want to explore the woman with no outside interference.

 

How could I evaluate a potential long term relationship while seeing a few other women? What is the point?

 

I agree. But in the OP's original thread, the man she's currently dating, does not feel the same way towards her, at least not yet. She has to be comfortable with knowing that and knowing that he's still exploring other relationships. If she can, great. If not, perfectly understood. Perfectly reasonable if she decides to accept date invitations from someone else she likes. She may like the man she's currently dating, enough, to not want to date anyone else. He may decide in time that he feels the same.

[thatone]

I think this guys behavior is very controlling. He makes sure he know where you are and what you are doing 24/7. He is playing the game on his terms and you are going along with it.

 

You talk about his calls but you say very little about when you see him one on one. He is not being straight forward with you.

 

Be aware there are men out there that will use you to get to your daughter. When I read that he told you he bought something for you and your daughter that he has never met made me think something is not right here. My advice is stop contact with him and see what happens. Don't put yourself and your daughter at risk.

 

thanks for registering just to post the assumptions and stereotypes that you learned an hour ago while waiting in the supermarket checkout stand reading garbage printed for drama addicted/deprived housewives.

 

all praise be to oprah for your kindness. we never would have known that every man walking the street is a pedophile if you hadn't told us.

[Aurora8]

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. One day while I was happy and all into him, I innocently peeked to see what he writes on the dating profile he told me about. That day I noticed he had been there recently but I decided to let it go. I saw him the other day in a meaningful context, I left happy but a bit unsettled due to knowing, at the end if the day he's not exclusive. Meaning, giving myself a reality check, thinking.. It seems this way but for all I know as soon as I left he was trolling a dating site. So I looked, and sadly I was right.

 

I talked to him that night about being unsettled, wanting to understand where he is (didn't mention the site) he said some reassuring things and I felt better. Im not proud to admit that today I kept tabs on that site and learned that he checks it on and off all day. I don't like it. It doesn't jive with his actions, what's he's said in the talks, or with his pursuit of me. Makes it all feel cheapened and I believe its not really respecting ir honoring what we are building. I used to use that dating site but a long time ago I hid myself from searches, basically going inactive. Tonight I made my profile viewable again.

 

He called before bed and oddly mentioned really liking me a lot and wishing he had gotten to see me today. Shortly after, I saw he had visited my profile. I don't know if that was before or after the call. He wants to see me tomorrow, not sure what I feel like doing anymore. I think I may have lost a little respect or trust. I think I'm being smart but in the back of my mind I wonder if I'm somehow sabotaging.

Edited August 22, 2011 by Aurora8

[Pierre]

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. One day while I was happy and all into him, I innocently peeked to see what he writes on the dating profile he told me about. That day I noticed he had been there recently but I decided to let it go. I saw him the other day in a meaningful context, I left happy but a bit unsettled due to knowing, at the end if the day he's not exclusive. Meaning, giving myself a reality check, thinking.. It seems this way but for all I know as soon as I left he was trolling a dating site. So I looked, and sadly I was right.

 

I talked to him that night about being unsettled, wanting to understand where he is (didn't mention the site) he said some reassuring things and I felt better. Im not proud to admit that today I kept tabs on that site and learned that he checks it on and off all day. I don't like it. It doesn't jive with his actions, what's he's said in the talks, or with his pursuit of me. Makes it all feel cheapened and I believe its not really respecting ir honoring what we are building. I used to use that dating site but a long time ago I hid myself from searches, basically going inactive. Tonight I made my profile viewable again.

 

He called before bed and oddly mentioned really liking me a lot and wishing he had gotten to see me today. Shortly after, I saw he had visited my profile. I don't know if that was before or after the call. He wants to see me tomorrow, not sure what I feel like doing anymore. I think I may have lost a little respect or trust. I think I'm being smart but in the back of my mind I wonder if I'm somehow sabotaging.

 

I am a firm believer in monogamous dating (or dating one person at a time). I disengage from anyone that is multi-dating. I think it is unhealthy and probably someone that is likely to become a cheater in any long term relationship.

 

At this point I suggest you tell him you are not happy with his actions because they don't match his words. If he goes crazy defending his right to multi-date or his right to look for other women then you will know what to do.

 

Please see the thread on exclusive dating.

[Aurora8]

I let him know it doesn't work for me. He defended then hung up on me. Then he sent a few texts. Granted, I'm not proud of the peeking and probably shouldn't of told him, but I'm too honest sometimes. He of coarse turned it around on me about checking up on him, downplayed the problem, didn't 'hear' or address my feelings. He prodded with a few comments about how he had just been thinking about deleting the account because he thought he found someone special etc and how he was 'only' checking his email (again right after what I thought was a meaningful time together, this time with included increased intimacy, no sex though). I found myself second guessing my decision.. Thinking maybe he really was almost there, but unless he were to wake up and offer an apology on disregarding my feelings and hanging up, I'm going to stick to my decision on this. Bummer.

[bluenightowl]

I let him know it doesn't work for me. He defended then hung up on me. Then he sent a few texts. Granted, I'm not proud of the peeking and probably shouldn't of told him, but I'm too honest sometimes. He of coarse turned it around on me about checking up on him, downplayed the problem, didn't 'hear' or address my feelings. He prodded with a few comments about how he had just been thinking about deleting the account because he thought he found someone special etc and how he was 'only' checking his email (again right after what I thought was a meaningful time together, this time with included increased intimacy, no sex though). I found myself second guessing my decision.. Thinking maybe he really was almost there, but unless he were to wake up and offer an apology on disregarding my feelings and hanging up, I'm going to stick to my decision on this. Bummer.

 

I think if he wanted to he could have right then and there become exclusive with you if he wanted to, but he didn't.

 

What did he do though: hung up on you, not cool, turned it around on you and downplayed your concerns, then applied the guilt trip about almost being ready to delete his account.

 

I think you made a very good decision.

[jackmerridew]

I let him know it doesn't work for me. He defended then hung up on me. Then he sent a few texts. Granted, I'm not proud of the peeking and probably shouldn't of told him, but I'm too honest sometimes. He of coarse turned it around on me about checking up on him, downplayed the problem, didn't 'hear' or address my feelings. He prodded with a few comments about how he had just been thinking about deleting the account because he thought he found someone special etc and how he was 'only' checking his email (again right after what I thought was a meaningful time together, this time with included increased intimacy, no sex though). I found myself second guessing my decision.. Thinking maybe he really was almost there, but unless he were to wake up and offer an apology on disregarding my feelings and hanging up, I'm going to stick to my decision on this. Bummer.

 

Sorry to hear that this was the result. I'm a guy and I'm going through the same thing with a girl I've been dating for almost two months. Pierre is pretty familiar with my situation.

 

Everything the girl does, she walks and talks like a girlfriend, but she refuses to commit to an exclusive relationship.

 

I hate that the Internet and social media and technology has made things more confusing.

 

I am fighting myself to check her phone at night. I know her passcode lock (she unlocks it right in front of me so it's hard for me not to look, and it's an easy number), and I know if I only look into her phone for texts, it would only make me upset, no matter what I find.

 

It's confusing, the mixed signals we get from people who we feel really care for us in every way but what they say.