pinkrainbows Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 May i first apologise to those who replied to my post a few days ago "18 months after the affair". I honestly think i have been living in cloud cuckoo land or something and am finally going to say what i should have said some time ago........... "I AM THINKING OF LEAVING MY HUSBAND" There have finally said it:mad: I have been putting on a front for everyone including my family about how well we are doing but they havent a clue what i am really feeling.:confused: As time has gone on and boy is he trying to make things right it isn't making the slightest bit of difference to me. In fact i am now very ill and seeing my Doctor with other health problems. I suffer from Fibromyalgia ( a widespread chronic pain problem which has many other symptons and also ME/ CFS. My Doctor has told me i MUST make a discision now or risk being seriously ill. Thing is i just have no-where to go and if he went i could'nt afford to keep this house on. Having been married and celebrating our 40th Wedding anniversary this year (which was a farce) i have a very comfatable life, a beautiful house but rely on him for money as i am disabled and need someone to help me somedays here. I think i am too scared to actually tell him its over and it making me so poorly i don't think i can go on anymore. It then becomes final and scarey. We have know each other since we were 16, married at 17 and have two married children and 4 precious grandchildren who i know would be devasted should we seperate but i can't go on like this much longer. I am having days where i get up feeling poorly anyway and then all the thoughts come back in my head what he did for a whole year while i was very poorly by the way and never gave a thought for me or anyone else for that matter. I just sit here feeling sick, crying all day some days and feel like running away from everyone and everthing and not coming back. Then my illness kicks in big time and i end up in bed with all the stress of it all. I do have days where i seem to cope and manage and think we are getting somewhere but i honestly think i am kidding myself here. He is not the man i married. The man i married would'nt have had an affair and betrayed me in the worst way possible. I feel as if nothing matters in life and can't see a way forward and just want this thoughts and feelings to stop. I am not depressed, just very messed up, all caused by him and what he did. My head somedays feels as if it will explode. I have had councelling and it made me worse and to be honest don't think the answer lies there anymore. Only i can now make this decision. I am so very scared that it won't be the right one. Sorry if i am not making alot of sense but am very confused and mixed up and just want all this to stop.:mad: I have no-one and i mean no-one who understand how i feel. I still feel sick now writing this but have to get it all out somewhere. Last night he got drunk (after promising me he would'nt again) and when i said something he bit my head off and the old "him" was back in my head seeing her and its now eating away at me. How on earth can anyone get this feeling to go away for goodness sake. I know they say time is a great healer but its not making any difference to me right now as i don't know if i love him or not. We tried a seraration some months ago but i let him back as we did miss each other. Now my feelings havent changed and i don't want to live like this anymore ( I am 60 next year). please can anyone give me any advice here or what they would do in this situation as i would listen and take everything on board anyone has to say. I am at my wits end with all this worry and stress. On top of all this his father is desperately ill and he lost his mother last year who i looked after while he was having the affair.:mad::mad: My own father has advance Dementia and am worried sick about him too. What is happening to me for gods sake as i really think i am going mad. I keep going dizzy, have panic attacks etc. I have also booked another holiday in two weeks time. Don't ask me why either as i don't honestly know. Sorry to go on. Best leave it now and look forward to someone helping me please if you possible can. Thankyou for reading.:)
jnj express Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Hey PR----IMHO----your H. being there in front of you, is what is keeping all this misery going for you If you D. him, and get on with your life, a new life----things may very well change, at least you won't see the cause of your misery there right in front of you day after day In a D. settlement, you will be taken care of, and you will get enuff to make it,----You have kids who will take care of you, and I am sure other family and friends-- --Not that we want this to happen, but if your H. passed on, you would have to cope----so you can make it if need be, its just hard to think about, and deal with, so question becomes, which is worse, and what can you really handle if you have to. If your H., is out of sorts, and you feel you have no choice but to stay, then bluff him-----go on line, print out a D. packet ( the paperwork for filing a D.)----(costs nothing), and have it in the house where he has to find it. Then tell him, since he can't treat you properly, you are seriously thinking of putting D. on the table. That just may wake him up---as he is now looking at giving you half of everything, including his retirement, and forcing him to face life alone-----he just may not wanna go that route, and he might at least change for the better, allowing you to have a better quality of life, even tho you are still miserable--------Nothing is easy!!!!!!!
alexandria35 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Wow Pinkrainbows, this post has an entirely different tone to it than your post from just a few days ago where you were talking about how very in love with each other you and your husband are and how far you have come in recovering your marriage. Sounds like your husband got drunk and rude last night and that triggered some horrible feelings in you. How often does your husband drink and how much of a problem is it for your marriage? Is he an alcoholic? Did drinking too much too often play a part in his affair? You say that he has been trying hard to make it up to you for the past 18 months. Does he know that you don't forgive him? I'm sure he senses it even if you don't say it. You have to make the decision that is best for you and for your health. There a pros and cons to both marriage and divorce. My mom is in her late sixties, disabled and living alone. She divorced my stepfather many years ago and never remarried. She doesn't regret the divorce but she does find her current position challenging and somewhat lonely at times. There is a lot for you to consider and I think talking about it here and in real life (friend, family member, clergy person, therapist) will help you come to a decision.
2011aug Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 pinkrainbows, You have fibromyalgia/ME/chronic fatique syndrome. This chronic illness needs to be addressed first. A happy and healthy frame of mind is an important component to your recovery. If I may, here are my suggestions (in no particular order): 1. Do a web search for support groups in your area. 2. Find a doctor that specializes in this area. (See an infection specialist?) 3. Find a doctor that will support you in your search for a cure. 4. Do consider alternative/complementary practitioners. But beware of scammers -- there are tons of these. Beware of practitioners who over market themselves. 5. When a doctor tells you he knows the cause, ask to see the lab tests that proves it (then get a second opinion). 6. Look into local research hospital/medical university. These may have expertise to help diagnose. Make this your full-time job to get well. You can deal with your husband later. The first priority for you is to get better. Hope this helps.
Author pinkrainbows Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Just popped on quickly. 2011aug my illness will not get better. I have it for life and have had every test, seen every specialist, travelled to many different cities and there is no cure for either condition. All blood tests, x-rays. c-scan, even had an MRI Brain scan for MS and all come back normal. I learn how to manage my illness as best i can. I became addicted to Morphine some years ago for the pain which never touched the pain. I have taken every single med known to man for my illness and nothing helps. If you have time look up both illness's as you will learn so much about them. He had the affair because of my illness. Will say no more on that one. However i am considering Holistic treatments. Reiki, etc so will let you know if they help me. Thankyou for your advice and concern. Been talking some more and he is fully aware how i feel and is willing to move out to give me some space to think. In saying all that i am going to put myself first and my health and do my best to be as well as i can be if that makes sense. Thanks everyone for the advice and will get back in day or so. Very tired now and in need of sleep.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I was going to suggest you take the holistic approach, seek a Dr who specializes in homopathetic meds (all natural, no chemical) and also do yoga and meditation. I have a few friends who suffer from Fibro, so I feel for you and what you have to deal with. Be sure this is what you want. To divorce.. Not saying to stay because of the kids, or because it'll be hard for you to manage at times on your own (you'll always have friends and family to help you during rough times) but I do wonder if you and your H sat down and had a real honest talk, lay EVERYTHING on the table (tell him what you said here) and let the chips fall where they fall, maybe you two can work this out, he could change and be there for you the way he needs to be.
2011aug Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 pinkrainbows, I am familiar with this chronic illness. Reiki, acupuncture, bowen, etc are not going to help. For example, perhaps you should look into this: http://kurtsprotocol.blogspot.com/ (found via google). He talks about mms. this is an very inexpensive protocol. Take a look at: http://forums.phoenixrising.me/archive/index.php/t-2261.html I take it you have done extended multi-course of various antibiotics, tested for mycoplasma, toxins, etc? Learn how to detoxify and strengthen your body at the same time.
2011aug Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I was going to suggest you take the holistic approach, seek a Dr who specializes in homopathetic meds (all natural, no chemical) and also do yoga and meditation. I have a few friends who suffer from Fibro, so I feel for you and what you have to deal with. Homeopathy wont help if the disease has already overwhelmed, escaped or hidden from your immune system.
Author pinkrainbows Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Sorry but had to answer here. Only someone who suffers from this illness can comment as to what works and what dosn't. No offence but after 30 years of suffering from these illness's i know now what works for me and what dosn't. I have had bloods tests for every illness known to man over the years and so many tests my home was once a hospital bed. My body is so sensitive to EVERY med going. I am sensitive to light, noise, which causes my body so spasm in pain. No antibiotics WORK a there is no infection nor Steriods either as tried both of them. They both make me vomit. Reiki is used to calm the body and mind and it helped me in the past. It will never cure me just maybe relax me. Accupuncture has been proven to help some with FM but i cannot stand needles of any sort as FM affects the tendons, ligaments, muscles which causes severe widespread neuropathic pain. It also affects my bowel, bladder and rib cage (costochrondritis). If you read about ME and suffered from it EXERCISE of any sort will have me bedbound for many days. sometimes months and is out the question as is YOGA. I was so ill some years ago after not pacing myself properly i became so ill i was admitted to hospital and was tube fed as i could'nt eat, move or even talk and thought i was dying. There are many vitamins, potions etc out there and they all don't help me at all. I caught this illness after a virus infection which affected my brain and the rest if history and never recovered from it. Then went on to develop FM and ME. I also help run a support group too and have done for many years. thanks whichway for your advice as i do meditation every day and it does help me some days so thankyou for that.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 pinkrainbows, I am familiar with this chronic illness. Reiki, acupuncture, bowen, etc are not going to help. For example, perhaps you should look into this: http://kurtsprotocol.blogspot.com/ (found via google). He talks about mms. this is an very inexpensive protocol. Take a look at: http://forums.phoenixrising.me/archive/index.php/t-2261.html I take it you have done extended multi-course of various antibiotics, tested for mycoplasma, toxins, etc? Learn how to detoxify and strengthen your body at the same time. Let her try. I think it's very unfair of you to poo poo this. Meditation and reiki WILL make a difference emotionally for her, there's something about yoga that relaxes and gives one peace. To discourage her from trying just because of your own experience, or stats, or through someone else you may know that found that route didn't work, doesn't mean it won't work for her!
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Reiki is used to calm the body and mind and it helped me in the past. It will never cure me just maybe relax me. Exactly! People who go through cancer do yoga and meditation! Why? Because of the positive and peace it brings throughout one's mind and body, and helps them relax. Inner organs are affected in a positive way as well. Homeopathy wont help if the disease has already overwhelmed, escaped or hidden from your immune system. Why are you being so negative??? Let her DO what she wants to do and try it. It could very well work with her and make her feel better.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Pink, you're very strong and have a lot of good support around you.. The determination and willingness to try new things to see if it'll help IS a good thing! My neighbour and good friend has MS. His wife and kids are supportive of him trying the holistic approach because other drugs haven't helped. He changed his diet too, that has made a difference as well (Aug2o11 I agree with the detox, diet thing)..
2011aug Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Let her try. I think it's very unfair of you to poo poo this. Meditation and reiki WILL make a difference emotionally for her, there's something about yoga that relaxes and gives one peace. To discourage her from trying just because of your own experience, or stats, or through someone else you may know that found that route didn't work, doesn't mean it won't work for her! It wont work because it does not address the cause of the illness. Rather, it's symptom management. Yeah, that's important too. But you have to know eventually the illness will overwhelm that. btw, if one has CFS or fibromyalgia, one cant even do physical exercise by definition of the illness.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 It wont work because it does not address the cause of the illness. Rather, it's symptom management. Yeah, that's important too. But you have to know eventually the illness will overwhelm that. btw, if one has CFS or fibromyalgia, one cant even do physical exercise by definition of the illness. Eventually. But WHY focus on that? For her to stay in the NOW is much more important and seems to be what she's looking for. A break and some peace at times. She doesn't need to be reminded of eventually or what's coming down the line. That's like telling my neighbour who has MS, "Forget it, don't bother doing 'x,y or z' because it isn't going to change your future or the fact that you'll be in a wheelchair for good one day." People need to have hope, otherwise they give up. The mental side of this and being positive is so important!
2011aug Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Eventually. But WHY focus on that? For her to stay in the NOW is much more important and seems to be what she's looking for. A break and some peace at times. She doesn't need to be reminded of eventually or what's coming down the line. That's like telling my neighbour who has MS, "Forget it, don't bother doing 'x,y or z' because it isn't going to change your future or the fact that you'll be in a wheelchair for good one day." People need to have hope, otherwise they give up. The mental side of this and being positive is so important! She has it for 30 years. Different adaptive metabolic pathways have set in. Anyways, since this is not a health debate forum, I'll stop here.
Author pinkrainbows Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 To 2011aug. Would you please keep your opinions to yourself regarding my illness please which i find so very patronizing to say the least:mad: You know nothing about me and certainly NOTHING about what is it like to live with a chronic dibilatating painful illness for all these years. I have been managing my illness the best way i know how and that is to live in the moment, take one day at a time and stay positive. How dare you say that as i have had it for 30 years. What on earth do you expect me to do for goodness sake. You have a very negative attitude to life. These two illness's ( they are not diseases by the way) are NOT caused by any infection etc. I said if you read properly no antibiotics work. This illness is treated with Morphine, Opiates, Tramadol. Pregabalin (Lyrica) Fentanyl ( which they give to cancer patients). I HAVE TRIED TO LOT OVER 30 YEARS AND NONE OF THEM HELP. For many years i thought i has MS and had many brain scans which would show lesions up on my brain. Part of my brain (The Hypothalamas) which is the control centre in the brain is misfiring and sending wrong signals to every part of my body. Do some more reading on it please and stop telling me what i should and should'nt be doing. I have tried accupunture, Osteopathy, Cranial massage, had Physiotherapy for over 20 years until i could'nt afford it any more. Oh and i am in a wheelchair by the way when i have to go out as my legs give way with pain and weakness. I also said you can't exercise but you have to keep moving even if its walking around the garden with my sticks and doing chair exercises to stop my body going into spasm. I only came on here as was in such a mess right now with what is happening in my marriage and never asked for any of this so YES I SHOULD KEEP QUIET NOW.
Author pinkrainbows Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Sorry but can i thank the rest of you above for the help and support. You are so very caring and understanding. I was'nt going to say this but i have also beat breast cancer too but will leave it at that.
seren Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Not getting into a competition about illness/disease, but I have a whole gamut of autoimmune illnesses, Fibro, Lupus, Systemic Sclerosis and Sjorgens, so understand totally about the pain, stiffness cramps etc. The best thing I did was to begin swimming, started off as water therapy, but find that the warm water and gentle stretching helps with muscle spasms and keeps muscle supple, well as supple as it will allow. Gentle Pilates is also good. It hurts like hell at the start, but little amounts soon add up. I too have tried all the meds, have steroids occasionally when it gets too bad, but use hot pads, I do what I can, when I can, even if that just means hand and finger exercises. For me it means I am in control and not have to resort to prescription pain relief too much. For overstimulation of vision and noise, I just make sure I avoid it at all costs. I am not a great believer in Reiki, have tried Bowen therapy and it just cost a lot of dosh. McTimmoney chirporactor helped with muscle spasms, very gentle and not like the bone cracking stuff. As to the issues you mentioned with your marriage, I would say that any long term illness has a huge impact upon self esteem, if your marriage is not happy and has no chance of being happy, then it is destructive to your wellbeing. I would have to ask myself what I was getting out of it and if the answer was less than I needed, then I would leave, difficult though it will be. I am of the mind that we only live once and that we owe it to ourselves to ensure we get out of it as much as we can. I hope you are having a relatvely pain free day and that the stress isn't triggering too much pain. Nothing is impossible even though at times it may feel as though it is. Been there, done that, worn the T shirt and made the dammed film!!! There will come a point when you will make the right decision for you. I hope it all goes well for you.
2011aug Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 To 2011aug. Would you please keep your opinions to yourself regarding my illness please which i find so very patronizing to say the least:mad: You know nothing about me and certainly NOTHING about what is it like to live with a chronic dibilatating painful illness for all these years. I have been managing my illness the best way i know how and that is to live in the moment, take one day at a time and stay positive. How dare you say that as i have had it for 30 years. What on earth do you expect me to do for goodness sake. You have a very negative attitude to life. ... I only came on here as was in such a mess right now with what is happening in my marriage and never asked for any of this so YES I SHOULD KEEP QUIET NOW. Okay, noted. What you took as patronizing was certainly not meant to be. I do have a fair knowledge and experience with fibromyalgia and CFS/ME. Anyways, best wishes to you.
Author pinkrainbows Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Can we move on please from all my health issues as it's not helping the situation is it? 2011aug i think i over reacted a bit yesterday and did'nt mean to come accross as i did. Today i rang my Doctor who has refered me for some more councelling and this time a different one as there is alot more wrong in my head that just the affair (i am not going to make any rash decisions until i have my head sorted out and can think straight. Going to have a break here for a bit, no offence but all this is stressing me out right now and making me worse. All the best to you all.:)
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