Our experience with counciling..

[FreeMe]

Can you tell with her when she's not telling the truth? when you've talked about this in the past, is she nervous? does she tell only half the story? does she seem evasive?

 

You have a couple of things to decide after you talk to her:

 

One is whether she's telling the truth or not - if you don't believe her, then you probably cannot stay with her. You will always doubt.

 

Two is if she fesses up that she called because she was mad at you (or any other reasons) and doesn't make excuses, do you still want to stay with her? if so, obviously this issue would have to be brought up in counseling.

[HokeyReligions]

Slow down and take a deep breath. You only recently started counseling -- give it some time. It can be like lancing a boil - it looks and feels worse then it did before it was lanced and gets pretty messy before it heals.

 

You both have a lot of personal issues to deal with. You need to deal with yours and allow her to deal with hers. Don't jump to conclusions.

 

You love her. Are you confident that she loves you? I think you are.

 

That is a starting point and something to hold on to, just don't rush the marriage until you are ready. It takes time to establish real trust and it takes work to maintain it -- work on both of your parts. Be patient and don't give up yet.

 

Don't accuse her or play the "do you have something to tell me" games. That is something a parent might do with a child, not what adults in a relationship should do with each other. It seems like you are worried that she may think you were snooping. Were you? Did you ask if you could access her phone bills and call list? She might not be angry at all with you because she doesn't have anything to hide.

 

This is all new and scary for both of you and its natural to reach back into an old comfort zone sometimes. Its not always the right thing to do, but give her time to learn what is right in this relationship--just as you are learning.

 

Don't cancel the counseling - go to it. Tell your counselor that you are hurting and upset and that you are afraid you won't be able to focus on the session or get anything out of it, and let the counselor take it from there.

 

Good luck with this and I'm still rooting for you!

[EnigmaXOXO]

No other advice, huh?

 

I read it all the way through, Jmargel...squinting with one eye shut! Thought to respond earlier, then decided this was just so painful I couldn't bare to watch any longer.

 

Oh well, sincerely hope you appreciate honesty. I still have some work to do when it comes to keeping my own big mouth shut.

 

I'm with Hokey. DON'T CANCELL THE APPOINTMENT. It's times like these that an objective opinion and neutral mediation will help you the most.

 

Even if these sessions don't help your fiancé work through ALL her issues; Even if it doesn't help to fix your relationship in time for the wedding...you will still gain so much insight about yourself and invaluable tools that will help you to be better prepared for handling life and relationships in the future.

 

I want you to know; **YOU ARE NOT INSECURE**, but perhaps a bit blinded by love and a little too magnanimous for your own good. Denial’s a b*tch…but than again, we’ve all been there. And as much as we would like to help people heal, and prevent them making painful mistakes, sometimes we must allow the lesson to be learned. You may not be able to rescue your damsel in distress; and we may not be able to save you. But G-d bless you Jmargel, and those on this forum, who still care enough to try.

[Thinkalot]

Sorry about this latest development jmargel!

 

My advice right now...breathe, be as calm as you can, and prepare to talk with an open a mind as is possible.

 

Questions to ask yourself right now: Can I trust her again after this? Do I love her enough to get over this and move forward, with the help of counselling? Can I trust her to truly be honest with me from now on?

 

If the answer, is yes, then do your best to approach this calmly.

 

My partner and I have come through some tough stuff, including a breach of trust on both sides (no cheating or anything like that...but some snooping and accusations). We made it through though, but it did take time for us both to recover from the hurts and so on. Now we are stronger than ever, and very much in love. It hasn't been a walk in the park getting here though!

[jmargel]

I got home after work & she was sleeping on the couch, so I just went upstairs. She came up like 10 mins later, asking if I was mad. I just told her 'I don't understand why would you do this to me?'. She didn't say anything. She tried calling him when we were at a club, and when we were arguing. We went over this arguement at the first session and some things were pointed out. Basically that sat. night she told me we'd go whereever I wanted. I called my brother and asked if he wanted to goto this place that we were all before to see a band. We all agreed. Soon as we got there she was like 'I want to leave', just being very unreasonable. Granted she doesn't like crowds and it was crowded. The drive was like 20 miles though, and if my brother didn't come along I would've said ok. All I told her was to wait 30 mins til we finish our drinks. She then asked for her keys, which I didn't give. She got pissed and went to the bar. I tried talking to her calmly but she got more aggiated. What I said next was to kinda break the tension & was hoping it would lightening her up some, but it had the opposite effect. Jokingly (kinda) I said 'You are acting like a bitch'. Well, that set her off, she said she was breaking up & moving out. I went outside for awhile. During this time she tried calling her ex.

 

She does have an anger problem. He didn't answer the call when she called, but I asked 'What would you have said if he answered'? She said she didn't know, and that she probably would've hung up. She apologized quite a few times & was being all lovey dovey. Those two other calls, weren't his cell, she showed me. I felt bad for that, assuming it was his. She told me that was the first time she tried calling, that they haven't talked since march.

 

I asked her why she didnt tell me, and she said she was hoping it would all blow over & I wouldnt find out. That now she is ashamed. She then asked me if I was going to bring it up at the counciling, I told her I didn't know. She promised she wouldn't do that again. I told her that I can't marry someone I don't trust. She then said she is telling me the truth, that she only tried once. The phone records do prove that too.

 

It's something I'm not going to dwell on, a month ago things were really touchy. Since the councilor, things have been getting better. She is starting to act like her own self again. I think it's in part to the councilor letting her know that this is normal for people going through so many changes in their life at once. As for me bringing it up Thursday, I'm still not sure. I believe we are past that particular issue, but when she gets upset (in general) I can't be the brunt of it. She told me last night she was worried all day about what I was going to say to her when I got home. That I was going to yell at her. I never have before and wouldn't, unless it's something extreme. Anyway, that's what happened last night. I think last night was a wake up call for her, her actually feeling like she put us in jeopardy.

 

Thanks for all the advice, it really does help.

[FreeMe]

I'm not sure why you wouldn't bring this up in counseling. This is a major issue that keeps resurfacing. It's not that you should or would blame her or make her look bad in front of the counselor, but you could tell him/her that it's one area that is consistently challenging your trust in her. Even before any of these other issues were surfacing, this one was there. I think keeping something from the counselor that has caused repeated problems is a mistake. I hope you reconsider.

[jmargel]

The first question the councilor asks is 'How did this week go?'. I'll probably then mention it. Just so that she is aware of the issue. She'll probably start seeing us alone soon. The whole issue with the baby, Brandy won't talk to her about it yet.

 

I'm just so glad we are going through with this councilor. I don't know if we would still even be together if it wasn't for going there. Everytime we leave there we seem like we are closer together, and leave the office happy.

 

Her dad called last night and wants to take her out, but on the phone I know he said a snide remark about it, since Brandy mentioned we are going to it on Thursday. I feel bad for his wife, and now I know what Brandy's mom went through with him. She still resents him alot, even ten years after the divorce. He actually told me & Brandy that he doesn't care and other women will come into his life. This is after nine years of marriage with his current wife, along with her two kids who call him dad.

 

It's to the point that I don't want to even go over there anymore, neither does her sister-in-law which I've become close with. If they aren't complaining about each other, they are making snide remarks & putting the other down, in front of us. His attitude of marriage is awful, and I don't want him putting things into Brandy's head. He mentioned only once, and briefly that his dad was nasty to him. I think this is where it comes from. I told him directly that he needs to goto counciling and he just laughed. Not much I can do there. I'm hoping the councilor starts with Brandy to deal with her past. I know it might put a strain on us once that starts, due to everything she's been through. Neglect from her dad, her ex bf, her baby dying, being raped repeatedly by someone (the son of a guy her mom was dating years back), and seeing her parent divorcing when she was 14. I think she has alot of anger about alot of these issues yet. Something that she needs to deal with.

 

I was one of the lucky ones, my parents are still married. 35 years on memorial day and my grandparents were married for 50 years. They never seperated or split up. Yea, they have arguements, but once they are talked about, they move on & don't dwell on it. They have a total commitment and respect for each other. Me & my brothers are very well loved by my folks and grandparents. I was truly blessed.

 

For me to go what she did, my heart would probably be of stone. I told her and I want her to count on having a marriage like my parents do.

[LadyInsanity]

Don't you think you should postpone this wedding for at least another year?

I wouldn't put another dime into the planning of a wedding that may never happen.

Eventually you will get tired of walking around on eggshells.

You made a small list previously of her good qualities....but the negatives in your relationship far outweigh the positives.

She sounds like she's not sure she even wants to get married...especially when she's still sneaking and calling her ex.

You seem to have bent over backwards trying to make her happy...Maybe you need to go with your gut...it will never steer you wrong.

Usually couples deal with these issues after several years of marriage....

How long did you say you've known each other?

[jmargel]

I'm not going to postpone the wedding as long as we continue to make progress with the counciling. The 'eggshell' feeling is starting to leave me. Just knowing I was willing to walk away the other night made me confident in myself.

 

Her dad & her spoke for a few hours last night. She didn't get into too much, so I didn't press on her telling me. She mentioned that he's been unhappy in his marriage. I talked to his wife for about 2 hours. She gave him an ultamatium the night before. When he came home with my fiancee, I talked to him, telling him what he needs to do. To goto counciling. He actually listened to me, but whether or not he's going I have no clue. I told his wife that she needs to set a deadline for him. If he wants to save the marriage then he needs to go with an open mind.

 

It was an exhausting two hours, seems like me & brandy are trying to save her dad's marriage as well as working on our own. I told Brandy we aren't & can't save their marriage. Only they can. All we can do is tell him what our experience is like w/ the councilor. He asks everytime he sees us. He has massive anger problems. He also has jealously issues too. I felt so bad for his wife, when I was talking to her she started to cry. His jealously is so bad that when he came home, I was reading his wife's palm (I know how to do that) and he made a remark "See, I leave for two hours and he's already hitting on my wife". It's those snide remarks that he makes that will drive everyone in his life away. The son she has, is mildly retarded. Do you think he would be a little compassionate about his feelings? Nope. The things he says are just plain wrong.

 

As for me & Brandy, I know I have bent over backwards to make my fiance happy. I've also made mistakes. So has she. We haven't come across any 'deal breakers' and as long as she is willing to work on things, so am I. We are both excited about the wedding, and our future together.