NotNow Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) Wondering if anyone can offer some insight into this situation before attempting for the second time (after some time apart) to discuss this with my bf. 2 things to know about me: Depending on how comfortable I am in a situation I range from shy to overtly friendly, but would never be described as outgoing or the life of the party. I also am actively trying to become better friends with people, since I'm not super happy with my social situation since I moved to a new state. I tried to get together with a few girls I know, but they turned it into a couples thing, so I invited my bf (he's not friends with any of these people, but they are acquaintances that he introduced me to). Prior to meeting up with them, I told him my expectations of the night. By the end of the night I was pretty annoyed, because he failed to even try to fulfill any of the expectations we had discussed. I feel really hurt and let down. I could also tell that he was pretty annoyed (for example, he didn't say one word to me the entire way home, but of course there were other little clues as well). When we got home I tried to talk to him about it, and he kept deflecting. Finally I told him that I knew he had a problem, and I wasn't going to let him do what he always does when he has a problem, which is treat me like crap for one or two days until he decides to share, so let's have it. He basically said that he was embarrassed by me, that he hates being around me and just can't do it anymore, and a whole bunch of other things along similar lines....but when I asked him like what he said "I don't know. I'm not even mad at you because you didn't do anything wrong, I just don't want to be anywhere near you right now." Also, we have dinner plans with a very large group of people tonight. I don't want to be a drama queen, but given our current situation and what he just said about me, I really don't want to go. Should I suck it up and go? Or...just say I'm not feeling well? Edited August 20, 2011 by NotNow
Professor X Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Also, we have dinner plans with a very large group of people tonight. I don't want to be a drama queen, but given our current situation and what he just said about me, I really don't want to go. Should I suck it up and go? Or...just say I'm not feeling well? So this whole story was only to ask if you should go or not? No, don't go, he is obviously fed up with being around you, why waste your time? but when I asked him like what he said "I don't know. I'm not even mad at you because you didn't do anything wrong, I just don't want to be anywhere near you right now." Now this is the part that got it... As guy, I would tell a chick something like that if I wasn't into her anymore (I actually did say it to my ex' lol, right before I broke up with her); Kinda worrysome.
Author NotNow Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 why is he embarrassed? Last night he wouldn't tell me anything, so I didn't know, but the only thing I could come up with was a situation where he was talking to 2 girls when I went looking for him. He was just finishing telling them a story about something someone had said to him, and when he finished I said "oh hahah and so-and-so said the same thing!" He glared at me, snapped "no she didn't, why would you say that" and then kept going "When did she say that? Huh? She didn't." I was embarrassed by this, so I just walked away without saying anything. I agree that was a bad move, but I was already pretty annoyed about how he'd been treating me all night, and I couldn't think of anything to say to that to save face anyways. Today I found out by phone that the above situation was one of many things he thought I did to embarrass him and/or myself. The list includes things like: It was pouring rain, and when we got inside he asked me to put our dripping wet umbrella in my purse so he didn't have to hold it, and I said no. Another girl said to give it to her and she put it in her purse. At one point I was standing across from him, and he indicated I should sit on his lap. Since I was wearing a dress, I didn't want to, so I just smiled and shook my head. He claims that at one point he was talking to a few of the guys about something and I put myself between them so he couldn't be included in the conversation and edged him away from them. What actually happened was that I left them alone to talk until some food came (maybe 15 or 20 mins), then politely excused myself past him to put some food on a plate, which involved him having to move away from them momentarily, then I went back on his other side so he was with the guys again. Things like that.
Author NotNow Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 So this whole story was only to ask if you should go or not? No, don't go, he is obviously fed up with being around you, why waste your time? Yeah, I told him that I'm not going, and he is insisting that I have to go, because I said I would. That turned into yet another fight.
Author NotNow Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Besides everything else, I find it incredible that these are the kinds of things that he thinks are rude, because he seems completely out of tune with the things that other people do or say that EVERYONE would agree are rude... For example, after saying hello to everyone when we first got there, the very first thing someone said to me was that I'm so much prettier than my sister (whom he had seen the weekend before). He went on for like 5 minutes about it...his fiance was smacking his arm and told him 4 times to shut up because he was being insulting...my bf's response was to turn to me and loudly say "See, that's what I've been telling you, now do you believe me." My bf doesn't see anything wrong or rude with this other guy's behavior, and on top of that my bf had to basically announce to everyone that this is something that he and I have talked about before...which I found quite embarrassing.
thatone Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 knee jerk assumption: he's got no social grace whatsoever and is used to being the center of attention amongst his male friends who are equally clueless, and feels threatened when there's someone else around who even suggests that anything he does is wrong. if that's the case you have to be more assertive here, and tell him with some emphasis so that it will register, exactly what he did wrong and why, and that it should not happen again. this isn't something you can compromise or explain away, someone is right and someone is wrong, and the person who is right has to put the wrong person in their place and teach them some things.
Author NotNow Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 The ironic, and frustrating thing is that this is exactly how HE feels, and he actually said something to this affect to me. knee jerk assumption: he's got no social grace whatsoever and is used to being the center of attention amongst his male friends who are equally clueless, and feels threatened when there's someone else around who even suggests that anything he does is wrong. if that's the case you have to be more assertive here, and tell him with some emphasis so that it will register, exactly what he did wrong and why, and that it should not happen again. this isn't something you can compromise or explain away, someone is right and someone is wrong, and the person who is right has to put the wrong person in their place and teach them some things.
thatone Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 good luck, you're gonna need it i have a younger friend that used to work around my shop that's like your boyfriend is. his dad and i joke that he's "chief dumbass" amongst his friends. his worst to date, letting slip at his older brother's wedding that his soon to be sister in law was pregnant before the wedding. he made some comment to the effect of her dress "fitting well, you don't even look pregnant". yeah, her family didn't know...smooth move on his part.
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