EricF Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Long story but I'll try to be as brief as I can. I am 36 and a 21 year old woman started working with me. There is a lot of downtime during the day so we talked pretty much most of the day. The conversations quickly got personal and often emotional (within the first week). We discussed everything you could imagine. After the first month I decided to ask her out. She's gorgeous but oddly enough I wasn't terribly attracted to her at first. Over that month though I found her more and more attractive inside and out, every day. So we went out for lunch and had a great time. As the months went on we started doing more and more things, golfing, casinos, zoos, museums...etc. It was a very strong friendship. I'm getting ahead of myself though... When we first met at work she was going through a horrible breakup with a long time abusive boyfriend. It devastated her. She was jaded with men and was upfront about NOT wanting a relationship. I accepted that which is why I kept it friendly. Close friends who shared everything, but still just friends. As the months went on something happened to me. I didn't see it coming. I fell in love. I'm talking about every night as I went to bed and every morning I woke up she was on my mind. I couldn't get her out of my head. Whenever I left her company I just felt so down. It gave me chills to be around her at times and whenever I'd do something as simple as rub her shoulders I wanted so much more. So I told her. Her response was (the cliff's notes version) that she wasn't ready for anything and wanted to keep it friends. She still wanted to do things and prayed her response wouldn't make things awkward. I was hurt, maybe more than I should have been. I truly love this woman with all my heart. So here's where I'm at now. It is 6 months in. We still do things, quite a bit actually. It's just very confusing. She says things are benign between us but the signals she gives me are so mixed. The way she stares into my eyes at dinner, for minutes at a time without saying a word. The way she smiles at me and is so playful. It's got my head thrown all out of whack. I know she is damaged because of her disgusting, putrid ex. I want to destroy him for what he has done. The things she says about never being truly happy and so depressed, the way she breaks down, I'm wondering if this is why she can't totally let go with me and give me a chance. Or maybe she truly isn't interested. I don't know. At this point it's killing me inside. In some ways I just want to run. I cry daily over her, it's taking over my life. I've never been this deeply in love with anyone. I would do anything for her and have. Yet the pain of "just friends" is getting to be too much. I don't know if I should tough it out or if I should say "goodbye". I feel like if I do stop seeing her completely, it may be even more painful, but if I continue down this road I know my feelings are going to continue to grow and where they're at now I would devote my life to her if she'd let me. I just don't know what to do. Can you be just friends with someone you are madly in love with? I don't know if I can. I need help please!
bluenightowl Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I just don't know what to do. Can you be just friends with someone you are madly in love with? I don't know if I can. I need help please! Something like this happened to me once. You have to remember its how she feels about you that matters not how strong your feelings are for her. I don't think something will happen at the moment while you are in this state. You are too far gone to be attractive to her IMHO. What I did was told her how I felt and then took a break. A few months later we hung out again and became amazing friends. Of course those feelings were still there just not as strong, but I had regained control over myself and my feelings and slowly I accepted what we had, which was a superb friendship. And she's outlasted many of my girlfriends since.
sm1tten Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 You are overly invested in a woman who has told you she is not looking for what you want. No, you can't be "just friends" with someone you are in love with, crying over; at the very least, you shouldn't be spending as much time with her as you are. How long ago did you tell her your feelings? She may not be ready, she may be afraid to get into another relationship, she may just not be into you... it doesn't really matter what signals you think she's giving you, until she actually says that she wants to date you, you're just a friend who is in way over his head.
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