Kamille Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 What he did was something that other guys never did....aside from weight...he appreciates me. Doesn't talk about other girls around me. He calls me 2-3 times everyday. instead of hanging out with his friends, he'll shorten the time with them, to say he needs to spend it with his gf. He cares about my opinions in issues. He'll ask me what I think, and makes changes also to suit me, even though I didn't necessarily ask him to. He'll call me in the morning to just say hello and hear my voice. As soon as he gets even a 2 day break from training, he will spend it with me. Most importantly, he got me into reading the Bible again, which has made me happy. He does make me feel loved most of the time. It's just the weight issue like I said before, that he does the threatening about. All of my bf's had some kind of problem. None were perfect, but even though it doesn't seem like it from this post...he's the best one I've had so far. So, in essence, you're willing to put up with his ridiculous requests because you're afraid you'll never find another guy who will make you feel like a priority. Have you ever considered never settling for a guy who doesn't make you feel like a priority? There are plenty of men out there who are capable of all you describe. Most of them wouldn't dream of making you feel ****ty about yourself for not reaching so unrealistic goal. I struggle to understand women (or men) who find excuses as to why they should put up with poor, self-esteem damaging, treatment.
grkBoy Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I struggle to understand women (or men) who find excuses as to why they should put up with poor, self-esteem damaging, treatment. Because he's hot. Look how many men and women will go through hell just for a physically beautiful mate. Most would not make the trouble for an Average Joe or Plain Jane.
Kamille Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Because he's hot. Look how many men and women will go through hell just for a physically beautiful mate. Most would not make the trouble for an Average Joe or Plain Jane. Which is why personality should always be the priority when committing to someone. Sure, being attracted to your partner is important, but if their personality sucks, leave it at being a fling. I usually try to avoid projecting into the future, but this story really makes me angry. I worry that he'll start with this, run her self esteem down, make her feel like she's lucky to have him, gain control over her and then get bored with her and start treating her with disdain.
grkBoy Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I worry he will push for cosmetic surgery once she has her body at a point he likes. Suddenly he'll be pushing for a boob job.
Finch Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 What you see as loving and respectful behaviour, I see as controlling: What he did was something that other guys never did....aside from weight...he appreciates me. Doesn't talk about other girls around me. He calls me 2-3 times everyday. instead of hanging out with his friends, he'll shorten the time with them, to say he needs to spend it with his gf. He cares about my opinions in issues. He'll ask me what I think, and makes changes also to suit me, even though I didn't necessarily ask him to. He'll call me in the morning to just say hello and hear my voice. As soon as he gets even a 2 day break from training, he will spend it with me. This all sounds very sweet, but from what you've described of his attitude towards your weight and exercise regime, his jealousy, and his telling you that he'll be angry if your body hasn't changed by the time he returns it's not sweet at all. His frequent calls, his spending all his free time with you, his intense interest in your opinions, changing things to "suit you" - it's not about suiting you, it sounds to me like it's about keeping tabs on you. Controlling can feel like love and appreciation in the early stages because the attention seems nice, and you start to make excuses for his words and actions that make you feel bad. "Oh, it's because he's an athlete, oh it's because of where he grew up, oh it's because he's a little jealous" and so on and so on until you get so good as justifying how he treats you that you can't even see that it abnormal. HE got you to start reading the Bible again, HE wants you to shape up, HE makes the plans and the schedules. And this is only after three months. This type of behaviour tends to intensify over time. However, like Professor X said, it seems like you have chosen to be with him, so unless you are willing to leave the relationship, nothing anyone says here is going to really help you. People have chimed in, but you claim he's the best boyfriend you've had so far. You're making excuses. People can hand you all sorts of advice, but only you can chose to leave. If you stay, then your boyfriend's attitude and behaviour are what you have to learn to accept. I'm not saying it's right, but you have to take responsibility for your life and your choices. You're only a few months into this relationship, and now would be the optimal time to get out while the getting's good.
Kamille Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 However, like Professor X said, it seems like you have chosen to be with him, so unless you are willing to leave the relationship, nothing anyone says here is going to really help you. People have chimed in, but you claim he's the best boyfriend you've had so far. You're making excuses. People can hand you all sorts of advice, but only you can chose to leave. If you stay, then your boyfriend's attitude and behaviour are what you have to learn to accept. I'm not saying it's right, but you have to take responsibility for your life and your choices. You're only a few months into this relationship, and now would be the optimal time to get out while the getting's good. I respectfully disagree. If she stays in this relationship she can tell him she won't accept angry outburst or threats. She can tell him she's glad to be working out but she will respect her own standards of beauty, not his. In other words, she can learn to assert her boundaries.
LittleTiger Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Just the title of this thread is scary! Your boyfirend is 'angry, threatening'? If you feel threatened by a man at any time, and he doesn't stop that threatening behaviour immediately on request, you run for the hills! You have three options/possible scenarios: 1) If you think he's such a great guy, he will be very concerned that you're feeling threatened by him. So tell him how you feel. He'll be mortified that he made you feel that way and never, ever do it again. 2) Tell him how you feel and if he isn't mortified that he made you feel that way - you need to get out now! 3) If you're too scared to tell him how you feel - you need to get out NOW! As others have said - it's your decision.
sm1tten Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 You need to assert your boundaries. Actually, I think you need to launch this guy, but if you're going to stay with him - if you feel that that good outweighs the bad - then you need to assert that you are not okay with being threatened or being made to feel guilty about the progress you have made. You need to tell him this ASAP. He needs to agree to this or you stop seeing him. That's it, it's pretty simple.
moontiger Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I am very sad. I just started dating this guy 3 months ago. He's very athletic and plays semi-professional soccer. He's a workout-a-holic.... Since we met, he encouraged me to lose weight and work out. I'm not fat, but just needed to tone up. So, I did exactly that, I went from not even being able to do 3 sit ups to being able to do 30 without stopping. I have been doing stomach crunches, reverse crunches, working out my arms and being able to do so many repetitions. 100 twists and some squats. I've really improved. But I do not have a perfectly flat stomach yet. It's not huge..but I don't have washboard abs. Right now, he is out of town at training for the new season. And he tells me, "if I don't see a difference when I come back, I will be very angry." And his voice sounds scary. Dump this guy. Because if you don't, it is going to end anyway. I can see the end of this clearly...like Kamille said, he is going to pick on you until you feel bad about yourself, and you feel like he's much better than you and nobody else will ever love you. And ultimately, once that happens, and when he has total control over you he will get bored--and then he will dump you. Let this one go.
Finch Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I respectfully disagree. If she stays in this relationship she can tell him she won't accept angry outburst or threats. She can tell him she's glad to be working out but she will respect her own standards of beauty, not his. In other words, she can learn to assert her boundaries. She CAN do that, but she isn't. When I say that only she can be responsible, only she can choose, I mean that she is the one who has to take action, because it is she that is unhappy. She cannot expect things to change if she continues to go along with what her boyfriend wants without question. If she decides to remain quiet and simply acquiesce to his demands then that is her choice, but if she does this she cannot expect his behaviour to change because she has not done anything to instigate that change. My opinion is that she would be better off leaving him, but if she chooses to stay, then that's up to her. But, choosing to stay and continuing to remain quiet will get her nowhere. If you want to be heard you need to give yourself a voice - sometimes a very strong one.
westrock Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Right now, he is out of town at training for the new season. And he tells me, "if I don't see a difference when I come back, I will be very angry." And his voice sounds scary. My impression is that he is projecting on to you words that he says to himself or words that are/were said to him to motivate him to train. I bet that no matter how much training you do, it will never be enough for him. In his mind, there is always room for doing better, for more training. It never ends. That may work for an athlete in training, but that's not you. His approach probably works to motivate himself, and he probably says those things thinking they will motivate you. When he is saying these words to you, he is really saying them to himself. BUT, it's not right. At a minimum it's borderline abusive especially in a relationship. Obviously his words bother you (which they should). As such, you need to tell him to stop saying those words to you because that is not how you are motivated. Either he starts appreciating you for who you are, or you need to rethink this relationship despite all the other postive aspects.
Hyperion Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 You like him because he treats you like ****....he trapped you on your own game and is manipulating you to his benefits...it's not the first time a woman is complaining about their abuse boyfriends but for some reason can't dump them....do you really like what is inside him?
moontiger Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 My impression is that he is projecting on to you words that he says to himself or words that are/were said to him to motivate him to train. I bet that no matter how much training you do, it will never be enough for him. In his mind, there is always room for doing better, for more training. It never ends. That may work for an athlete in training, but that's not you. His approach probably works to motivate himself, and he probably says those things thinking they will motivate you. When he is saying these words to you, he is really saying them to himself. BUT, it's not right. At a minimum it's borderline abusive especially in a relationship. Obviously his words bother you (which they should). As such, you need to tell him to stop saying those words to you because that is not how you are motivated. Either he starts appreciating you for who you are, or you need to rethink this relationship despite all the other postive aspects. I think this is spot on. I'd say also that a person who motivates himself negatively--by always telling himself that he isn't good enough and needs to be better, and gets angry and impatient and frustrated with himself if he doesn't improve--this is a person who has the potential to be very successful at his career, or at being an athlete, or whatever other academic/professional/physical pursuit that he engages in. But he probably is not a happy man, or the sort that you want to look for in a partner. Because the way he feels toward, and treats himself, is ultimately the way he is going to treat you. I think you can ask him to change, and treat you differently. But honestly, the way he treats you comes from a place deep inside himself, and it's unlikely to change. He may stop verbally badgering you about your weight, but it is likely just going to keep bothering him and festering on the inside. And it's likely that he will deal similarly with other issues, not just weight. I know it's hard, and I understand that it's scary to be alone and drifting again in your thirties. Even so, I'd gather my courage and cut this one loose if I were you.
Star Gazer Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Actually it's men that hold more fat in the stomach than women. You girls should be looking nice and keen around the belly with the fat floating into other places of the body like breasts and hips. Remember that. That depends on her natural body shape, even when really lean. Not all women are natural hourglasses.
Star Gazer Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 My impression is that he is projecting on to you words that he says to himself or words that are/were said to him to motivate him to train. I bet that no matter how much training you do, it will never be enough for him. In his mind, there is always room for doing better, for more training. It never ends. That may work for an athlete in training, but that's not you. His approach probably works to motivate himself, and he probably says those things thinking they will motivate you. When he is saying these words to you, he is really saying them to himself. BUT, it's not right. At a minimum it's borderline abusive especially in a relationship. Obviously his words bother you (which they should). As such, you need to tell him to stop saying those words to you because that is not how you are motivated. Either he starts appreciating you for who you are, or you need to rethink this relationship despite all the other postive aspects. I agree with this. Great post.
ja123 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think you can do better. You don't have to settle for an African guy just because you think you can't do better. You can. He has probably convinced you that a man of your own race wouldn't go for you, but that is nonsense. You can do WAY better than him. Hot Chick - it seems like you're equating non-African to being way better. And I find that untrue and offensive. This isn't about race. It isn't about sex (men vs. women, I've seen women treat men badly as well). It's about abuse. It hurts even more if it comes from and bf/gf, spouse, or family member because it is to these people we turn to share love.
tonyp56 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I'm sorry but plain and simple dump him and run for the hills... You didn't see his true self on the inside until now. It will not get better and he will push and knock you down and the next thing you know you'll be one of those women who has to ask permission to go to the bathroom or outside of his sight or he'll smack you around! I'm sorry THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BODY! So what? Now health etc. sure you can lose some weight, but you don't have to be a goddess for that! He don't like you for YOU, then you don't need him. Sorry for being blunt, know harder than said.
Author Egychick Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Thanks everybody for your replies. And I've learned 2 things from reading everyone's posts: 1. I need to grow a back bone and set my own boundaries and ultimatums and not allow anyone to treat me like a doormat. 2. If he doesn't change to make me happy, and respect how I feel and what I want to do, I will leave and find someone else who does appreciate me and my efforts. He and I talked a lot today, he acknowledged that he has been tough on me, and said that it is a reflection of how he is on himself. He has been through a lot in his life and fought hard to get to his career which is giving him a better life...so he doesn't accept failure. He sees me as an extension of his own life...like anything else, he wants success and wants me to be the best I can be. But I told him one thing: I am losing weight for myself...and I know the efforts I have put in and I am proud of myself. I don't need to prove it to him or anyone else. I know what I did. If he doesn't accept it, it is his problem. I am happy how my body has changed, and I know it will only get better. So I will keep doing what I am doing...and I'll do it the way that makes me happy. I hope I can get stronger as I get more confident and more fit physically...maybe that will change things, if not....I guess I'll need to walk....
tonyp56 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I'm happy for you. Hope it works out, but please don't let him have a inch... If he don't change, like NOW, don't wait any longer for him and leave. If he shows effort and changes then congrats for both of you.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I am very sad. I just started dating this guy 3 months ago. He's very athletic and plays semi-professional soccer. He's a workout-a-holic.... Since we met, he encouraged me to lose weight and work out. I'm not fat, but just needed to tone up. So, I did exactly that, I went from not even being able to do 3 sit ups to being able to do 30 without stopping. I have been doing stomach crunches, reverse crunches, working out my arms and being able to do so many repetitions. 100 twists and some squats. I've really improved. But I do not have a perfectly flat stomach yet. It's not huge..but I don't have washboard abs. Right now, he is out of town at training for the new season. And he tells me, "if I don't see a difference when I come back, I will be very angry." And his voice sounds scary. I almost feel like crying...I work so hard...and I've only been doing this for 2 months. It takes time. I feel like he doesn't appreciate my efforts. ... what else can I say? What are you doing with such a clown? You will look back on this whackjob and wonder just what in the world got into you when you were dating him. Show more regard for yourself, please.
Professor X Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think you can do better. You don't have to settle for an African guy just because you think you can't do better. You can. He has probably convinced you that a man of your own race wouldn't go for you, but that is nonsense. You can do WAY better than him. Racism much?
dispatch3d Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Thanks everybody for your replies. And I've learned 2 things from reading everyone's posts: 1. I need to grow a back bone and set my own boundaries and ultimatums and not allow anyone to treat me like a doormat. 2. If he doesn't change to make me happy, and respect how I feel and what I want to do, I will leave and find someone else who does appreciate me and my efforts. He and I talked a lot today, he acknowledged that he has been tough on me, and said that it is a reflection of how he is on himself. He has been through a lot in his life and fought hard to get to his career which is giving him a better life...so he doesn't accept failure. He sees me as an extension of his own life...like anything else, he wants success and wants me to be the best I can be. But I told him one thing: I am losing weight for myself...and I know the efforts I have put in and I am proud of myself. I don't need to prove it to him or anyone else. I know what I did. If he doesn't accept it, it is his problem. I am happy how my body has changed, and I know it will only get better. So I will keep doing what I am doing...and I'll do it the way that makes me happy. I hope I can get stronger as I get more confident and more fit physically...maybe that will change things, if not....I guess I'll need to walk.... You don't need to set ultimatums. I think ultimatums are way over-the-top and unnecessary. You should have boundaries of what you're okay with, and be able to communicate them without hurting other people in the process..... If he changes then that's okay. If he contuinally does this not okay and I'd probably say split. Especially with that kind of wording. I can't tell what's going on from what you posted. Ultimately it should be you setting your own boundaries. Figuring out your boundaries from other people will never work.
AHardDaysNight Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 He doesn't appreciate you. If he appreciated you, he wouldn't treat you like this. I agree with the other posters...dump him!
betterdeal Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Thanks everybody for your replies. And I've learned 2 things from reading everyone's posts: 1. I need to grow a back bone and set my own boundaries and ultimatums and not allow anyone to treat me like a doormat. 2. If he doesn't change to make me happy, and respect how I feel and what I want to do, I will leave and find someone else who does appreciate me and my efforts. He and I talked a lot today, he acknowledged that he has been tough on me, and said that it is a reflection of how he is on himself. He has been through a lot in his life and fought hard to get to his career which is giving him a better life...so he doesn't accept failure. He sees me as an extension of his own life...like anything else, he wants success and wants me to be the best I can be. But I told him one thing: I am losing weight for myself...and I know the efforts I have put in and I am proud of myself. I don't need to prove it to him or anyone else. I know what I did. If he doesn't accept it, it is his problem. I am happy how my body has changed, and I know it will only get better. So I will keep doing what I am doing...and I'll do it the way that makes me happy. I hope I can get stronger as I get more confident and more fit physically...maybe that will change things, if not....I guess I'll need to walk.... This is great! You've stood up for yourself and he listened, and you didn't even need to mention the nuclear option. Knowing yourself that you can and will leave if things do not improve at a pace you like gives you confidence. Him knowing the effect of his anger at you gives him an opportunity to modify his thoughts and behaviour towards you. Well done! Keep on giving him feedback and not being ashamed to stand up for yourself. Will he stop resorting to anger so quickly? I doubt it, but it will take practice, just like any other skill.
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