Sadlouise Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Hi everyone I have gotten myself in a big knot and need help. I am with my boyfriend for 3 years and we love each other very much. As a girlfriend, I have always promoted honesty in our relationship as i think it is the most important thing for a relationship to work. In the past, my boyfriend has told me several lies which damaged our trust and took a long time to heal. So heres the problem. We have both told each other about our pasts. He knows about the one other person that I have slept with and that is all good. In a conversation last night, he was telling me about how his ex cheated on him etc. I had known about this for years however it was only last night that he revealed that she had not had sex with the other man like he had lead me to believe and also that they were on a break during this event. So basically, all his disgust was at this girl giving oral to another man. My problem is that I have, before our relationship, actually done this with another man. Now that I know that he see this to be as serious as full on sex, I feel like I've lied to him over it. I am so ashamed. This event happened when I was 16 and was traumatic and so I blocked it out of my life and it all came crashing down on me this morning. I desperately want to be honest with him but he is a very angry man and he says that if he ever found out I lied to him, he would loose his ability to trust anyone as I am usually such a brutally honest person. Help, I feel I should be honest, but I am so scared that his opinion will change of me forever. (sorry for the long post)
Andy_K Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 If your boyfriend is one sandwich short of a picnic, it's not your job to tiptoe around his irrational insecurities or neuroses.
thatone Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 his disgust is because when a girlfriend says "take a break" what it really means is "go away while i f*ck this other guy for awhile" and he learned it the hard way. whether he puts undue emphasis on the fact that it was just oral sex or not is a side issue related to that. don't tell him, and don't worry about it.
NotNow Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 There is such a thing as being too open. This will only cause unnecessary drama. Don't tell him.
Cypress25 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 You have no obligation to tell your bf what you did before the two of you got together. It's none of his business. Everyone has a past and you had a life before him, of course.
cereza Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 the past is the past.. did he ask you? if he asked you and you say no then you lie but if he hasn't ask then I don't think you should tell him. Unless you feel that you absolutely need to tell him or won't be able to live with yourself, then tell him. Whichever gives you peace and makes you sleep at night.
MarlyStar Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) The problem isn't what is and isn't sex. The problem isn't should you tell him. The problem isn't did you lie or not. The problem is he is a 'very angry' young man and you are tiptoeing around his anger for whatever reason he may have today. The problem is his trust in all womankind, all humanity, and in life itself rests completely on YOU, not on himself. This is the start of an abusive relationship. You shouldn't ever be afraid of your partner's anger. And his relationship with the world does not depend upon what you do. It's not your responsibility or burden. It's time he grows up and takes responsibility for himself and his own emotions. It's time for you to evaluate what kind of person you want as a partner. Angry people make lousy partners. Angry people who expect others to make up for their disappointments in the past make extra lousy partners. "...he is a very angry man and he says that if he ever found out I lied to him, he would loose his ability to trust anyone as I am usually such a brutally honest person..." Be brutally honest and tell him to get anger management therapy. Edited August 20, 2011 by MarlyStar
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