goerl Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) Background: I've known this girl for ~8 months through college, been out with her a few times where it has been just the two of us, looking back she was giving me IOIs throughout but I just totally missed them. Met her 2 days ago in a nearby city (we live ~2 hours apart so i'm not really able to meet her casually often) and we went to get something to eat, talked for ~2 hours but I couldn't really escalate the touching and it feels as if i'm friend zoned. Couple of hours later she texts me saying it was nice catching up and asking me to keep in touch. Basically what's my play here, how do you go about changing this situation should I just call / text her with something like: "x, I don't like being friends with people I'm interested in. I get that not everyone I like will be attracted to me, but being friends isn't what I want. If you change your mind, you've got my number, otherwise I don't think we should speak anymore." and be up front about it or what? Edited August 20, 2011 by goerl
Professor X Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Don't be upfront, I doubt that'll work, cause it sounds like an ultimatum - and that always fails... I can tell you that as a person who's RS always sparkled from friendship prior, the way I made it happen is by keeping our conversations a bit polarized with sex. For example, I would never open up a conversation with "Hey 'her name here'" but rather with "Hey sexy!" etc etc. Touch when you can. In other words, keep it spiced (and just like spice in cooking, keep it in good taste, don't overdose) and if she likes it she will respond back if she doesn't than it wouldn't matter much what you'd do. In your case, try and reset your RS, stay off her radar for a while and than try engaging her again.
Emilia Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Don't be upfront, I doubt that'll work, cause it sounds like an ultimatum - and that always fails... I can tell you that as a person who's RS always sparkled from friendship prior, the way I made it happen is by keeping our conversations a bit polarized with sex. For example, I would never open up a conversation with "Hey 'her name here'" but rather with "Hey sexy!" etc etc. Touch when you can. In other words, keep it spiced (and just like spice in cooking, keep it in good taste, don't overdose) and if she likes it she will respond back if she doesn't than it wouldn't matter much what you'd do. In your case, try and reset your RS, stay off her radar for a while and than try engaging her again. Very good advice. Friend zone can work, I'm dating someone at the moment I used to be friends with
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 IF you want to date her and NOT be JUST her friend then you need to be prepared for the prospect that she will dump you completely. I think that is a better prospect than being staying the in FZ. You don't need to communicate this by words. You need to communicate this actions and choices that you make. 1. For the first couple of times you get together, make sure that it is one on one. If she's dragging other people along, then it's not a date. 2. Ramp up the physicalness, hold her hand on the date. Get an open mouth kiss at the end of the second date. 3. Don't let her talk to you about other guys she is dating. Simply cut short the conversation. If you're on the phone, end the conversation and hang up. If you're together, keep changing the subject as often as you need to. One of you will be so annoyed, that the contact between will stop. Don't be upset if she stops contacting you because that means she had intended to FZ you. And don't cave in when she wants to have that talk to get you accept the FZ.
Author goerl Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) But if you and your friend are good friends and dating goes wrong, it can screw up everithing. Be carefull! IF you want to date her and NOT be JUST her friend then you need to be prepared for the prospect that she will dump you completely. I think that is a better prospect than being staying the in FZ. You don't need to communicate this by words. You need to communicate this actions and choices that you make. 1. For the first couple of times you get together, make sure that it is one on one. If she's dragging other people along, then it's not a date. 2. Ramp up the physicalness, hold her hand on the date. Get an open mouth kiss at the end of the second date. 3. Don't let her talk to you about other guys she is dating. Simply cut short the conversation. If you're on the phone, end the conversation and hang up. If you're together, keep changing the subject as often as you need to. One of you will be so annoyed, that the contact between will stop. Don't be upset if she stops contacting you because that means she had intended to FZ you. And don't cave in when she wants to have that talk to get you accept the FZ. I'm not too concerned about losing her as a friend, it's just the change to physicalness from where there was previously zero. I'd be able to get her to come out on her own easily it's just making sure she doesn't view it as going out with a friend. Don't be upfront, I doubt that'll work, cause it sounds like an ultimatum - and that always fails... I can tell you that as a person who's RS always sparkled from friendship prior, the way I made it happen is by keeping our conversations a bit polarized with sex. For example, I would never open up a conversation with "Hey 'her name here'" but rather with "Hey sexy!" etc etc. Touch when you can. In other words, keep it spiced (and just like spice in cooking, keep it in good taste, don't overdose) and if she likes it she will respond back if she doesn't than it wouldn't matter much what you'd do. In your case, try and reset your RS, stay off her radar for a while and than try engaging her again. As for resetting would you suggest I just totally ignore the messages she sent me after seeing her recently about wanting to keep in touch etc and then ask her to meet up again in a couple of weeks or so or go for another meet up within the week and just change the tone to more sexual? Edited August 20, 2011 by goerl
Professor X Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 As for resetting would you suggest I just totally ignore the messages she sent me after seeing her recently about wanting to keep in touch etc and then ask her to meet up again in a couple of weeks or so or go for another meet up within the week and just change the tone to more sexual? If you are referring to the message she sent you about "keep in touch" - than ye, just ignore it, do your own stuff meanwhile. If she does message you for casual stuff than of course you can't ignore her, that'd be just rude, but you can just keep it short and quick to distance yourself. Your end goal here is to distance yourself as much as you can so that she won't view you as a friend per say, so that you can eventually re-enter her life as more than a friend.
grkBoy Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I don't think she wants more. The distance and lack of anything for those 8 months says to be you're just a pal to her.
Cypress25 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Ask her out on a date. If she says yes, that means she's interested.
ConfusedGuy28 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I don't think she wants more. The distance and lack of anything for those 8 months says to be you're just a pal to her. You're just her friend. I'd say you have a 1 in 30 shot @ best. Women tend to show their interest in a guy. Touching, flirting, agreeing to go out with u even if they had prior plans, etc. If she can go long periods of time without talking to you, you're just a friend.
betterdeal Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 From the way you phrased your potential phone call, I get the sense you may come across as a bit intense. This is what you suggested: "I don't like being friends with people I'm interested in. I get that not everyone I like will be attracted to me, but being friends isn't what I want. If you change your mind, you've got my number, otherwise I don't think we should speak anymore." How about: I'd like to be more than friends with you. Do you think that might happen some day? To me that's much more positive and makes clear that she won't be losing a friend but taking your relationship (friendships are relationships) to a new level. There's no threats and no promises either: you deal with the consequences as they occur. Another thing is this: you don't sell the sausage; you sell the sizzle. That is, you have fun together and talk and do stuff together that you enjoy, and *then* you make a pass at her, whilst the sausage is sizzling. You know what? Being turned down is never as bad is you fear it to be. You go home, lick your wounds (punch a pillow / have a cry / have a wank / go for a drink with a buddy) and you shake it out of your system. You're a man; she's a woman; you guys get on; you make a pass. It's natural. It happens. Don't worry. Men make passes at women they like. Make yours enticing and attractive. Sell the sizzle.
bluenightowl Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Ask her out on a date. If she says yes, that means she's interested. I agree, why not just ask out on a romantic dinner date. She will get that you are interested in her. Another thing is just continue to hang out and slowly do things that show you are interested. I think being friends first can potentially set the tone for an amazing relationship, so I don't consider being in the friends zone now an issue. However given the distance, that might be a bigger challenge. Hopefully you are also using txt and email. That can help too.
Recommended Posts