Asbjorn Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) Deleted post Edited August 20, 2011 by Asbjorn
Author Asbjorn Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your feedback. It's hard because I was somewhat socially isolated in my marriage and I feel as if, partly because of my husband or through my own will, pushed people away. While I do have friends that I hang out with occasionally, I feel as if I can't talk about as many things with them because they haven't had similar marital problems nor do we connect as well as I do with my friend. Today we spoke again, about casual stuff. I didn't mention anything romantic, but he said he really wanted to hold me and that he thinks about me a lot. I really do want him as a part of my life, even just on a friend level, but I understand that we can't help how we feel about each other. I know that ending our friendship is probably the right thing to do until we both sort our lives out, but it's just tough cutting him out of my life completely because we share a strong mental connection. Edited August 21, 2011 by Asbjorn
Author Asbjorn Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) Yeah, you are right. I have read some of the stories posted on here and will check out baggagereclaim. Although I really do not want a relationship right now and think both of our lives need to be sorted out first, I have to admit that a part of me hopes that my friend will finally and definitively make a decision about his marriage. He has left his wife a few times already (he actually moved out for brief periods of time), but ended up back in the marriage shortly after these incidents, partly because he has a somewhat weak, caregiver type disposition. I think he needs time to do some soul searching on his own as well, because he has been in an unhappy limbo for a number of years. I have been separated from my husband for awhile now, and I have been on dates to try to distract me from the divorce process. However, I haven't found anyone that I can connect with on a mental level as I can with my friend. Thinking that this friendship is special makes it hard for me to let it go, even though I know it's the right thing to do. If I am honest, I try to justify keeping our friendship by saying to myself that we haven't proceeded to a physical level. I know that it isn't fair to his wife or me and my friend is simply being selfish by trying to fill an emotional void with me while staying in his marriage. Edited August 21, 2011 by Asbjorn
Author Asbjorn Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) I have thought about the enabling aspect and you are right, I have thought about him choosing me, although I realize it is unhealthy and I don't think a relationship should start in this way. He has told me that I make him very happy, so I could see how if I fill his emotional void, it would enable him to stay in an unsatisfying relationship longer. It's just hard because he makes me happy, so I tend to discount this enabling aspect. Sad to say, he has thought about divorce for the majority of his marriage, and he broke up with her a couple of times before they got married even though a part of him still loves her. So, he is definitely indecisive. What complicates matters is that his wife is completely dependent on him so divorce would cause her financial, and not just emotional, problems. But he has said that if he left his wife definitively, he would continue paying for everything for her, which I agree would be the right thing to do. I think I mentioned in my first post that I did impose a no-contact policy with my friend for a short period of time. However, we ended up speaking again and confessed that we found it hard not to talk to each other. Still, I realize it is the right thing to do. I just wish it were easier. This friendship does help to distract me from my own divorce. However, I think that for the most part, I find value in this friendship simply because I feel really happy when I talk to him. You are right. It doesn't justify hiding the EA. I think he tries to rationalize having our friendship because his wife wrongfully does not want him to have an active social life because she gets jealous when he hangs out with other people. But in reality, that's probably just an excuse and he should address his concerns directly. Edited August 21, 2011 by Asbjorn
Author Asbjorn Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) He isn't sure what he wants. A part of him loves his wife and he would feel guilt for leaving her. From our conversations, I have gathered that he is scared of being alone so I could see him being the type to not jump ship unless another ship were available. This of course isn't a healthy mentality. Also, this was somewhat perplexing to me because I have never gotten to know a man who is scared of being alone. I've always thought it to be a more feminine trait. He said that he initially jumped straight into a relationship with his wife without dating or being friends first partly because he simply wanted to be in a relationship. I don't really know what I want either, except I know that interacting with him makes both of us happy. I don't think I am ready for a relationship, and I wouldn't want to be a part of breaking up a marriage, albeit one with problems. I guess I am simply being too short-sighted by continuing to speak with him because I enjoy his company. He told me he has never had an affair, although he almost developed an emotional one a few years ago. His wife no longer works. I don't think he is the type to not want his spouse to work to gain control. I am not attracted to that type of person, and I think I can at least sense the presence of this characteristic because this characteristic is oftentimes associated with other alpha type characteristics, which I don't think he has. It is natural for people to provide one side of the story, so I do take what he says with a grain of salt. I assume that he has exaggerated certain negative aspects of his marriage. The reason why I don't think he is deliberately conning me is because he provided many of the details in response to me providing insight into my marriage. He has given me advice that has helped me through the divorce process. Many of his details were provided earlier in our friendship and I don't think he had a motive at the time because we, well at least I think, were not emotionally invested in each other. Edited August 21, 2011 by Asbjorn
TurboGirl Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 BB07 makes excellent points... and I will add a few more. Don't believe anything he tells you about his wife. Period. He's misunderstood, he's not happy, she isn't there for him, they don't connect mentally, blah blah blah... it was all there once when they got married, right! He is giving you a sob story to get you. So Wife stays home... and MM goes out to play! Great! If he can't stand on his own, he is pretty weak... you want a weak guy?! We never think that they are conning us, hon. But if the guy is married and talking with YOU, and you are here on Loveshack... it is not a good sign that he is a trustworthy and decent guy. Ya think? Plus, if you are here on LS, then you are spending too much time thinking about him. Again, not good. You are enjoying his company because he is flattering you, making you feel good. And your attention feeds his weak pathetic ego! That is all it is. Fake, Not real... he belongs to someone else. I wouldn't be speaking with him. And I should explain that I am a former OW who has been there done that, not going back.
confused_88 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Sometimes we want what we think we can't have more than we would want it if it's truly available to us. We set ourselves up sometimes and plow on to our own determent. This is quite a wise statement. I know from my personal experience that I've always tended to want things that I can't have. We're told at a young age, "don't do this, don't do that." That only serves to make us more interested in doing those things. And this may certainly be a character flaw in me, but I believe that nothing is impossible. In some stupid way, I like being able to prove that. But like BB says, sometimes once we get that thing we've been dwelling on, it ends up looking a lot different once it is ours. If you were both single, and available, do you think you have formed this emotional connection. And take this from me, as an OM, who had the full blown A, mind body and soul. It is a hell of a lot easier to let him go and find out what he wants before you get anymore committed to him. Emotional affairs will turn physical...it's just a matter of time. At some point, words to express how you feel about one another run out, and the body takes over...and then letting go after that becomes an entirely new beast.
Author Asbjorn Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) I have decided to stop being friends with him. Thanks for the feedback. Edited August 21, 2011 by Asbjorn
confused_88 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 You are right. I just wish he were more decisive. And herein lies the ultimate problem. If these MM/MW were decisive in the first place, these situations would never occur. The more I learn, the more I realize that decisiveness is a character trait that you either have or don't have. Some people seem to be perpetually wishy-washy. Once you've been in a situation for so long without making a decision, how can you expect that person to suddenly wake up one day and make a decision? The only way you can help that process is to completely remove yourself from the situation. Then all they'll have left is the life they made, and will finally have to decide if they want it or not. Or else they'll just find another person to continue to EA with, and forever not make a decision. But either way you'll at least have moved on with your life, and that makes you the ultimate winner.
confused_88 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I have decided to stop being friends with him. Thanks for the feedback. Bravo! I commend you greatly for this decision. It's a difficult road to follow...but anytime you feel like you can't take it anymore and want to reach out, come on here and post...let the community help you. They have helped me...and continue to help me. It's a process, but you'll get there. We all will.
Author Asbjorn Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 Bravo! I commend you greatly for this decision. It's a difficult road to follow...but anytime you feel like you can't take it anymore and want to reach out, come on here and post...let the community help you. They have helped me...and continue to help me. It's a process, but you'll get there. We all will. I hope so. I enjoy his company a lot. It's also difficult for me because I feel as if I have nobody else to talk to about the divorce. It's frustrating because for as long as I can remember the people who been the most willing to listen and be there for me have been males who have wanted more than friendship.
Author Asbjorn Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) And herein lies the ultimate problem. If these MM/MW were decisive in the first place, these situations would never occur. The more I learn, the more I realize that decisiveness is a character trait that you either have or don't have. Some people seem to be perpetually wishy-washy. Once you've been in a situation for so long without making a decision, how can you expect that person to suddenly wake up one day and make a decision? The only way you can help that process is to completely remove yourself from the situation. Then all they'll have left is the life they made, and will finally have to decide if they want it or not. Or else they'll just find another person to continue to EA with, and forever not make a decision. But either way you'll at least have moved on with your life, and that makes you the ultimate winner. Insightful. I think he will stay in limbo indefinitely. Edited August 22, 2011 by Asbjorn
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