Mr. Jacksonsonville Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Hey, it's Friday night, I'm lonely, so here goes... I'm about to turn 30 and am part of a vibrant filmmaking community in Los Angeles. Over the years, I've developed my craft to the point where I have a ton of attention for my work and people, including but especially attractive women, tell me how brilliant I am all the time... and then they go make out with and/or date my friends. Part of the problem stems from the fact that I used to have major confidence issues and a real negative attitude when it came to women, but all of that has changed in recent years. I'm better, I'm stronger, I'm more confident. But because I spent a few years brooding, I have this lack of experience holding me back. I know I'm talented, funny, and not ugly (women tell me so - usually my friends' girlfriends), but it still doesn't translate when I'm talking to women. I'm very respectful to women, to the point of maybe being a bit of a "Mr. Nice Guy" type, but there's still an edge to me and I'm very funny and good at what I do. So what gives? I'm kinda short (5'7") and a good section of women want tall guys. I have no problems with my height, personally. I dress nicer than most of the dudes who get girls, I use deodorant and take a shower every day. Not hygiene, as far as I can tell. A big issue is that I never really learned how to flirt. I learned how to be a really talented mother*****r, but I never developed the skills in how to talk to girls - actually, I know how to talk to girls, but I don't know how to "talk" to them, if you know what I mean. Whenever I talk to girls, it usually winds up being BS, joking around, maybe talking about work or projects that we're working on, but it never gets beyond the point of just casual conversation. When do I say "Hey, let's make out?" (kidding... I think?) Even with girls that don't know my dating history, I still feel that within 5 minutes of talking to me, they sense it somehow - even as I'm making them laugh and they seem to enjoy my company, they still go for the dudes who know how to talk to a lady. My few successes with girls have all been aggressive girls, but they are SO rare that I go years without meeting one. Screw that. I know that I have to learn to be the aggressive one if I am to have the success that I want, but I'm just not there and don't know how to get there. I have friends who know what they're doing, but they're bad for advice because they're also my competition and are trying to get girls that I'm trying to get. Recently, I've started to be more aggressive and just point blank ask girls out, but still, no one is into me... but then they tell me how amazing I am? I'm confused. One thing I know for sure is that Hollywood is basically another planet and plays by a different set of rules when it comes to dating (mostly lack of commitment both from girls and guys), but maybe there's some basic things I'm just doing wrong. I just want a date. One date. I know it's not the end game, but baby steps. We can work on the having sex/making out/relationship stuff later. I just can't seem to get one.
Nexus One Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Have you considered internet dating and dating outside of Hollywood? That being said, LA and pretty much the entire state of California have more single men than single women. So you have a lot of competition. On the East coast and especially New York it's exactly the opposite. There are more single women than single men there.
Emilia Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Have you asked close female friends about how you come across to women? Not dating tips but how they perceive you. I think I know a guy in a similar situation, he is good looking and bright but comes across awkward and abrupt, not relaxed and friendly enough
phineas Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Two words "casting couch". On a more serious note I actually have a friend that does theater & directs some shows & he gets hit on a lot. By guys. Yep, he's married with two kids but dude's flirt with him at the after parties quit a bit. Any chance people think your gay? Otherwise are you out of shape? Comb-over? 5'7" isn't short. It could be a confidence issue or you are not being yourself by trying to be more aggressive. I got friends that are total introverts & women still found them attractive and asked them out. Something is turning them off universally because if you have access to that many different women one of them is bound to find you attractive regardless.
Easyguy14 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Have you considered internet dating and dating outside of Hollywood? That being said, LA and pretty much the entire state of California have more single men than single women. So you have a lot of competition. On the East coast and especially New York it's exactly the opposite. There are more single women than single men there. he's right about this. women in new york are in abundances. I actually got to talking with one last night while strolling the city avenue. I gave her my number but I doubt she'll call . the point is to be open and friendly. dont try too hard to please people. just be the best you that you can be. also, leave sunny california for a while and try a different setting. good luck.
thatone Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I know I'm talented, funny, and not ugly (women tell me so - usually my friends' girlfriends), but it still doesn't translate when I'm talking to women. I'm very respectful to women, to the point of maybe being a bit of a "Mr. Nice Guy" type, but there's still an edge to me and I'm very funny and good at what I do. So what gives? what you think is respectful they think is either gutless or a sign that you're not attracted to them. what you have to understand is, if you're having no trouble making conversation with these women, escalating that to flirting and making it plainly obvious that you are attracted to them is a GOOD thing. if they are attracted to you they want the attention. pretending you're not attracted to them or 'keeping your distance' after that is a turn off.
Author Mr. Jacksonsonville Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) I don't feel leaving LA is an option. Not when otherwise things are going so well for me career-wise and friend-wise. Not when there are so many attractive women that are actually really a part of my life, that all wind up dating my friends and seem interested in talking to me. That said, if the option to move to New York ever comes up, I'll strongly consider it, but everything in LA is there for me except the dating life. As someone who has followed the dating scene from the outside, the high male-to-female ratio causes men to have to be more aggressive out here, but that's really the only thing. I can deal with that. I'm not looking for easy. That's not an "I have to leave my otherwise fine life in this city" level problem, that's an "I need to adapt to life in this city" problem. I'd love it if women would just ask me out (they don't), but I can't wait for them to do it either. We all know people like this, but I have a few friends that go through multiple women all the time, so despite the high male-female ratio, I see heavy male-female partner turnover. I don't aspire to be like them, but when I see that, I don't see how the modest goal of one date with a girl is so hard to accomplish. Any chance people think your gay? Otherwise are you out of shape? Comb-over? 5'7" isn't short. It could be a confidence issue or you are not being yourself by trying to be more aggressive. I got friends that are total introverts & women still found them attractive and asked them out. Something is turning them off universally because if you have access to that many different women one of them is bound to find you attractive regardless. Maybe since I haven't really been seen with a woman around my arm, people may think I am gay. Entirely possible. I would think that would attract more women, though. Not entirely out of shape. Some fat, a bit of a gut which I could work on, but a decent average build. I used to be insecure about it until I saw some of my friends, who have/had very attractive girlfriends, at a pool party. I'm not near as bad as they are. But yes, I could work out more, definitely. I do have some thinning hair and a bald spot, and I'm sure that hurts my chances, but I still have enough hair that I look good in photos, at least from the front. I've considered shaving myself bald, but never taken the plunge. Very friendly and affable here, and I've been told such. I'm worried that I have the exact opposite problem to where I'm too friendly that women see me as a "friend" or a "nice guy" or that they think I've got some form of autism. Hollywood has definitely trained me to have great, friendly B.S. conversations with just about anyone, and I think that's part of my problem. Thanks for the replies! Edited August 20, 2011 by Mr. Jacksonsonville
betterdeal Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Be a little bit devious and a little bit more obvious. Find one of the tasty women who you find attractive and who has said you're brilliant. Then have a heart to heart with her. Tell her you want to talk to someone you trust and respect about something that you find hard to talk about. Tell her how you are bursting to have a relationship with a woman, that you're a bit inexperienced but you're willing to learn and you want more than just a roll in the hay - you want someone who you can consider a friend as well as a lover. Someone you can spoil, and who will know your flaws but still like you anyway... Basically, tell her what you want, what you offer and compliment her along the way. The response will be interesting.
olivec Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Your alot like me i've been told that alot in the past by women that i'm great guy/good guy blah blah lol. I guess the thing that I changed was just not giving a **** and being more direct i guess. I find women like guys who are very assertive, confident etc. If your too passive it will turn them off or put you into the "friend zone", which obviously you don't want. I"d say just keep trying and be more confident and assertive. Also look at areas you havent tryed before like being involved in more local activies, sports, community events, and even church. Sometimes you gotta get out of your comfort zone in order to meet new people.
Finch Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Perhaps try dating outside of your professional field. Look to meet women away from work, so that you can better separate your professional self from your dating self. I say this because you seem quite work-focused. Which on one hand is great, but on the other if you mainly meet women through work-related projects they may already have a preconceived idea of you in their minds eye as a certain "type", i.e. the filmmaker, with all the connotations (both good and bad) that might go along with your existing reputation. Also, as a woman (and not knowing you from Adam) I offer this - you seem very confident about your professional capabilities, and while that can be attractive the title of your post was not. I caution you to be aware of the type of attitude that you are projecting. Aggressiveness is one thing, but there's a fine line between confidence and obnoxiousness. A woman will want to date you, not your job. Though you may very well be respected and sought after professionally, a little humility goes a long way when catching the interest of a worthwhile romantic interest. I don't live where you live, and there could be vast cultural differences that would render my opinion moot. It's just an impression I got from your posts, and just something to consider. (And dismiss if you so choose.) Good luck!
Hyperion Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Dude we are like on the same boat...it would be awesome if we could forget what is right and do what works....women are not attracted to good guys.. period....unfortunately i wouldn't be able to manipulate somebody else just for my benefits...believe me I wish I could....maybe you can...so try it...power is the ultimate weapon..and whoever cares less has the most power..
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