Buttercup84 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) Sorry I will try and make this non confusing ! It has been a month since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. We lived together and talked about marriage and kids in the beginning. I am 27 and he is 31. I keep seeing him as this perfect guy and am dealing badly with this. I still go to work , study and see my friends but find it all really hard. And I am hardly sticking to NC. So I have been telling my friends and mum about his not so good sides but wonder if I am being a nag or too sensitive. At first he was really romantic and sweet. Picked me up , drove me to work at night and picked me up , told me I was beautiful and sexy , was proud to be my boyfriend. Sure I am not perfect and wasn't always easy. I fell pregnant when we were together two months , I was on the pill etc but it just happened. So please no pro life rants . He said it was my choice , and we decided to go ahead with it. We discussed it , and he wanted to get engaged. Now I never feel like this just for anyone.I was head over heels and he was the first guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We got engaged , yes it was so quick but felt right.He was supportive and looked after me. But I got really sick and couldn't eat.I lost a lot of weight and told him later maybe it wasn't the right time.Plus I was a full time student and he was just working as a temp. I got scared , worrying how we would support the baby. I wasn't thinking straight and decided to terminate it. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life , so please don't make me out to be some heartless monster. It still haunts me and I feel so horrible and hate myself for it. He broke off the engagement , called me unstable.But we still stayed together. He still wanted children and marriage. But he would be embaressed about going out for dinner with me later , as I get full easily and didn't always finish my dinner. So the last time we went out for dinner was a year ago.He made me cry when he said it made him angry when I didn't eat it all and it was embaressing. I remember when his friend asked him if we wanted to come to his son christining , neither of us a religous but I said I would go with him. He didn't want to , then I saw a message where he told his friend he would ask me , then he said " sorry , he does not want to " it really upset me , using me as an excuse as it made me look like a controlling girlfriend. We once had problems with loud people living beneath us and he made a complaint to the real estate. So one day I am alone and the agent from the people down stairs comes up , yes he was a jerk and rude and asked me about what happened , my boyfriend wrote them an angry note which they kept. I told my boyfriend and he made me call the police and tell them I felt threatend . I thought it was overacting , but he said if I don't do it I am not with him , but against him. I was scared of him because he just changed. I called the police crying , not because of the agent but beause of my boyfriend. They came when my bf was home and I felt so stupid. He often had anger problems and anxiety.He even put his car up for sale so we could move somewhere else.Yes the people were loud but it was just a bit too much. He was romantic , bought me a kitten , concert tickets and little presents. He paid to get my nails and hair done etc. He was nice to my friends and family ,made me laugh and we did have fun times. His family and I got on really well too , but they were not affectionate to eachother , and when they moved to another state we went to say goodbye and they didn't even hug ! In our relationship he decided three times to move where they are ( about three hours flight from Sydney ) I thought it might be fun but he kept changing his mind. I spent nights crying because I didn't know what was happening. I have my family here and work. He thought I was overreacting. Plus he wanted to move somewhere were there was hardly any public transport , and I can't drive due to a problem with my eyes. So I would be stuck in the middle of nowhere. He broke up with me 8 months ago , saying he is not in love with me because we kept fighting and I was difficult. I moved to my parents and after promising I will change he took me back. I helped in the household more , was more romantic and cooked more.He spent more and more time on his computer playing world of warcraft . On weekends it could go on for 6 hours. Every weekend we would go to the coffeeshop , everything was his routine. He hardly spent any time with me , and when I brought it up he said I was clingy and whingy. He said he was still in love with me. He hardly wanted sex anymore , saying he was too tired etc. Yet I found porn on his computer and pictures of naked girls.( porn stars etc ) I got upset , he said it was for his friend Andrew who had a **** internet connection ....sure. I felt ugly and unsexy and even when I dressed up in a sexy outfit , bought underwear he didn't seem to care. I am slim , been told I am attractive yet he always rejected me.Yet when he wanted sex I did it. When I didn't want to when he woke me up in the middle of the night , he got pissed off so I did it. He went out more and more with his friends , never spending time with me. When I got sick with glanduar fever and toncilities I dragged myself to work because he said I cant miss out on my pay. Coming from someone who earned twice as much as me. And when he wanted to go up the street to get his weekend coffee I said I felt too sick to go, yet he made me go and I felt so sick in his car.Yet when he felt sick , I had to go alone to places. He hardly looked after me when I was sick , but when he was sick it was a big drama and I cared for him. We used to send eachother texts during the day when we were working then they stopped , he said he was too busy.He used to work with a mixture of men and women and that is where he was still sweet.Then he got a new job with just guys and became a macho jerk.He got promoted to a project manager and became cocky.My job working in a kindergarten was apparently not as hard as his. Plus I am studying as well. Because I can't drive I had to walk 20 mintues from the train station to our place , it was a nice walk so no problem. But when it was raining heavily I asked him to pick me up when I got us take away for dinner. He was too tired.This was a day before he broke up with me.So I was walking in the cold , heavy rain clutching the stupid grilled chicken and fries . I remember when I didn't have credit for my phone and was coming home late from the movies. It was almost midight and he never even sent a message or called me. I got home and he was already asleep. He didn't even ask if I was Ok walking home alone.He didn't have to pick me up , but didn't seem worried where I was. Well after he ended it he was so caring and worried about me. I had a bad feeling about something and looked at his email. He used to open my mail , so I think it is fair. I saw that he was emailing his friend Andrew , who is 40 and hasn't been with a woman for ten years. He is divorced and they often went hunting together ( my ex loved guns , I never did ) He was saying he joined this popular dating site - this was a day before we broke up .And he should have done it sooner. And he will give me the break up speech. His friend said " she don't respect you , show her the exit door you are a good catch " . It just crushed me.The man who said it was my fault that he became cold and distant , signed up to a dating site when we were still together . I called him , he said he only did it because Andrew needed a " wingman " and he wanted to offer support.He promised he wasn't doing anything. He uses the same password for most of his things so I looked at his profile , he didn't contact anyone but he was using old photos.He met the girlfriend before me on there. I was so stupid and felt sorry for him being stuck with the rent so I arranged for the supermarket to deliever food for him and other supplies and sent him money to help him cope. He was thankful , and because I couldnt get him a birthday present this year as I lost my previous job I sent him a present after we broke up , since he always got me things.Funnily enough , a month before our breakup he bought me some nice Winter clothes as it was freezing. He bought them saying he was proud of me for doing so well in my new job.He often bought me little things that I would have liked. I just don't know what to do anymore, he said he is sorry for hurting me , he is not seeing anyone and does not want to. When he dropped off my cat to my place a week after the breakup , my mum met him downstairs and she said he was very quiet and crying. He said to her I can call him. I just emailed him and he said he was crying on the way home.I gave my mum a letter to give to him and he said he cried when he read that too. The first weeks were the worst , I had a breakdown and lost a lot of weight , had to go to the emergency room at night because I got so bad. I went on anti depresseants. Luckiliy the people I work with were so supportive and I kicked myself to go to college. I had good days where I enrolled to Uni and met up with my friends.I feel so weak and pathetic. I feel like the breakup is my fault. He is so nice to me when I email him and feels bad for me being so upset. I just miss him so much and it kills me to think he will meet someone else and be happier with her. Was I being too sensitive about him ? I feel like I made him into someone who was cold.He even said so too.Now he says I shouldn't blame myself.. Sorry for the long rant. Edited August 20, 2011 by Buttercup84
esteem-jam Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 When you got pregnant, what was the illness you caught? Losing weight during pregnancy could mean problems for the baby, so probably good it ended so. But still, what was the illness? It probably hit him subconciously because he cared and etc, maybe he got this thought in the back of his mind that history can repeat itself (another bad pregnancy) and all caring will be in vain, and it will be just time lost for him (if hes really into making a family). Maybe he didnt see himself that strong at that point.
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