Author tigressA Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Thanks, this was really informative. I think you're right; it isn't going to go away...the latest conflict being solved is like a band-aid. I was talking about it with my new work friend and I had actually expressed a bit of doubt about things. Going back to one of the issues I mentioned in the original post--his friends. I still haven't told him that I sort of would rather not go with him this weekend to visit them. While I did have some fun the one time we were there together I also did feel extremely left-out, and put out by the fact that BF didn't try harder to get his friends to speak more in English and he so easily fell in with them. I feel like it's his responsibility to lead the way on that because they're his friends (if it were the other way around I would do the same thing) and he had failed me that one time. I am afraid it will happen again, though we did talk about it extensively that same night we were there and he apologized because he knew he was in the wrong for not doing enough. I also sort of resent the fact that it will never be quite the same the other way around, because he knows English. Sure, with my friends there may be a few inside jokes or whatever, but he would have pretty much no problem fitting in with them. We went to my HS friend's wedding last month and there were no issues. I think I really do resent him, in a way, for having his 'own' culture and also being able to fit in so well with mine, while I will ALWAYS struggle to fit into his. The language alone--I could never hope to grasp it. I can't stand that he can have a private conversation right in front of me just by switching to his native tongue/written word, and if I wanted to have a conversation that didn't include him I would have to be in a separate room from him, and that makes me look suspicious. It even makes me more paranoid about him cheating or something--I have these ridiculous thoughts like he's talking to girls he knows from back home and I would never know. I think as a result of this resentment I stubbornly cling to my POV and refuse to make concessions to him that are borne of his own culture.
Kamille Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) I think I really do resent him, in a way, for having his 'own' culture and also being able to fit in so well with mine, while I will ALWAYS struggle to fit into his. The language alone--I could never hope to grasp it. I can't stand that he can have a private conversation right in front of me just by switching to his native tongue/written word, and if I wanted to have a conversation that didn't include him I would have to be in a separate room from him, and that makes me look suspicious. It even makes me more paranoid about him cheating or something--I have these ridiculous thoughts like he's talking to girls he knows from back home and I would never know. I think as a result of this resentment I stubbornly cling to my POV and refuse to make concessions to him that are borne of his own culture. Oh my god T. I love learning languages and would jump at the chance to be immersed in a foreign language. In your shoes, I would already be looking for classes. Not to mention, I actually enjoy being in a room filled with people who are speaking a language I don't understand. I love being "let off the hook" to participate but being able to hang out, chill and observe. And you might think I'm stange, but most people who've mastered a second or third language have done so in a casual immersion situation, such as being able to hang out with people who speak the language and traveling. Do you realize what a frikkin great opportunity you have? Yeah, it takes a awhile, but nothing is more amazing than realizing you just understood something. (Goes like this: first salutations, routines, second general topics, third words (usually when you start being active), finally, sentences). My bf is like you. He's always lived in unilingual environments and feels foolish / threatened when he doesn't understand the conversation around him. I've been in situations of foreign language immersions (including English) 4 times in my life and I'm looking for the next opportunity. I'm mostly saying this because I'm jealous - but also to say: hey, a different attitude is possible. Don't be paranoid: embrace! Edited August 24, 2011 by Kamille
zengirl Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I think I really do resent him, in a way, for having his 'own' culture and also being able to fit in so well with mine, while I will ALWAYS struggle to fit into his. The language alone--I could never hope to grasp it. I can't stand that he can have a private conversation right in front of me just by switching to his native tongue/written word, and if I wanted to have a conversation that didn't include him I would have to be in a separate room from him, and that makes me look suspicious. It even makes me more paranoid about him cheating or something--I have these ridiculous thoughts like he's talking to girls he knows from back home and I would never know. I think as a result of this resentment I stubbornly cling to my POV and refuse to make concessions to him that are borne of his own culture. First of all: Why could you never hope to grasp his language? You're a smart girl. Learning languages is difficult mostly because it's hard to find places to use them. If you took classes + talked with him, you could easily learn a bit of his language. If you don't WANT to, I think that's fine. But I think believing you can't is a bit silly. Second of all: Now that you know this, you likely know what you have to do if you want this relationship to work. You have to LET GO of the resentment and the fear. Almost every time I dig my heels in, it's about fear too, so I get it. But living your life in fear, and compensating for it with stubbornness, it's not really going to get you to a healthy, whole, deep, satisfying relationship. And I think you know this. So, if you think you love this guy, and that this relationship could be that healthy, whole, deep, satisfying relationship you want, you have to grow to accept his culture too. You can look at it like a burden, or like an adventure. Honestly, that's all up to you.
donnamaybe Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 First of all: Why could you never hope to grasp his language? You're a smart girl. Learning languages is difficult mostly because it's hard to find places to use them. If you took classes + talked with him, you could easily learn a bit of his language. If you don't WANT to, I think that's fine. But I think believing you can't is a bit silly. Second of all: Now that you know this, you likely know what you have to do if you want this relationship to work. You have to LET GO of the resentment and the fear. Almost every time I dig my heels in, it's about fear too, so I get it. But living your life in fear, and compensating for it with stubbornness, it's not really going to get you to a healthy, whole, deep, satisfying relationship. And I think you know this. So, if you think you love this guy, and that this relationship could be that healthy, whole, deep, satisfying relationship you want, you have to grow to accept his culture too. You can look at it like a burden, or like an adventure. Honestly, that's all up to you. That was a very thoughtful post Z.
BetheButterfly Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 First of all: Why could you never hope to grasp his language? You're a smart girl. Learning languages is difficult mostly because it's hard to find places to use them. If you took classes + talked with him, you could easily learn a bit of his language. If you don't WANT to, I think that's fine. But I think believing you can't is a bit silly. Agreed. Being bilingual or trilingual never hurt anyone. Second of all: Now that you know this, you likely know what you have to do if you want this relationship to work. You have to LET GO of the resentment and the fear. Almost every time I dig my heels in, it's about fear too, so I get it. But living your life in fear, and compensating for it with stubbornness, it's not really going to get you to a healthy, whole, deep, satisfying relationship. And I think you know this. So, if you think you love this guy, and that this relationship could be that healthy, whole, deep, satisfying relationship you want, you have to grow to accept his culture too. You can look at it like a burden, or like an adventure. Honestly, that's all up to you.True Tigress, I was defending you mainly because it's possible there are girls reading your thread who would feel bad if they did not meet up to the standards the poster was criticizing you about... there are so many girls with eating disorders and untrue concepts of themselves. Reading things like that can just make it worse, especially if noone shows otherwise that beauty does not just come in one mold.
dasein Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Set up a separate FB page for your modeling, problem solved. I'm not conservative, parents aren't particularly either, but I still wouldn't want my mother seeing pics of my GF on the internet with a body paint top on unless she had been paid as a model to wear it, and don't think that's an extreme attitude even in this day and age.
denise_xo Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 So, if you think you love this guy, and that this relationship could be that healthy, whole, deep, satisfying relationship you want, you have to grow to accept his culture too. You can look at it like a burden, or like an adventure. Honestly, that's all up to you. I second this. IME, there will be times when it does feel like a burden, but there are so many positive things to learn from interacting with other cultures and languages. So so many things that really can enrich your life and broaden your horizons in ways you didn't think were possible. You really have a walking resource right in your living room there. Like Kamille, I'm the kind of person who'd be looking into the language at this point. Having said that, yes, it's hard work, yes you're going to feel left out at some points, yes you're going to feel excluded linguistically etc etc. But before making a decision on whether cultural and linguistic factors will be deal breakers, I think you need to find out much more about what they mean in your context than what you know now. To be honest, I was a bit surprised that you reacted so strongly to your BF's initial request about the photos, given where he is from. Why not find out more about where your BF is from, the dominant values (good and bad) that come with his culture, and his language? I would want to know those kind of things about someone I was intending to make a life partner. I'm not at all saying you have to buy it all, like it all, conform to it all - I'm just saying get more knowledge about it. That will also give you a much better stand point for negotiating any cultural differences that might come up in the future. Negotiating those differences can be really difficult and challenging to a relationship, and you'd be much better off with a deeper understanding of what you're dealing with.
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