I can't ignore it anymore.

[Imajerk17]

It's time you learn how to be less selfish tigressA; You're in a freaking RS.

 

Well I don't know about this. And I was one of the people who came down EXTREMELY hard (maybe a little too hard, admittedly) on TA's earlier spying on her boyfriend.

 

 

It is an instinctual drive for a woman to want to be with a man who will fight for her. That TA's s/o is so concerned about how his family views her, probably makes TA wonder, on some level, if her boyfriend is indeed that kind of man for her. Very unsettling for her, and rightfully so. Who would he pick, her or his family? Will he fight for her? Will he let her be her? It's just not what a woman wants to be wondering about when it comes to the man she is planning on spending the rest of her life with.

 

 

On the other hand, it is also an instinctual drive for a man to want to be with a woman who will raise his status in the world. His (TA's boyfriend's) world is his family, and for better or for worse, it has rules that many seem backwards. It is what it is. To this end, I DO think that, if TA really loves her boyfriend, she needs to compromise *somewhat* in that she will have to willingly accept *some* "keeping up appearances" for his family.

 

Hopefully they can get this resolved.

Edited August 20, 2011 by Imajerk17

[tigressA]

Well I don't know about this. And I was one of the people who came down EXTREMELY hard (maybe a little too hard, admittedly) on TA's earlier spying on her boyfriend.

 

 

It is an instinctual drive for a woman to want to be with a man who will fight for her. That TA's s/o is so concerned about how his family views her, probably makes TA wonder, on some level, if her boyfriend is indeed that kind of man for her. Very unsettling for her, and rightfully so. Who would he pick, her or his family? Will he fight for her? Will he let her be her? It's just not what a woman wants to be wondering about when it comes to the man she is planning on spending the rest of her life with.

 

 

On the other hand, it is also an instinctual drive for a man to want to be with a woman who will raise his status in the world. His (TA's boyfriend's) world is his family, and for better or for worse, it has rules that many seem backwards. It is what it is. To this end, I DO think that, if TA really loves her boyfriend, she needs to compromise *somewhat* in that she will have to willingly accept *some* "keeping up appearances" for his family.

 

Hopefully they can get this resolved.

 

Thank you. This helps. It's basically the whole issue in a nutshell. You're right, I don't want to be wondering who he'll pick if it comes down to that. I don't want to be wondering if he'll fight for me. And I'm sure he feels that I need to be a bit more accommodating and understand where he's coming from.

 

We did talk about it. I brought up yesterday's incident and the job thing I added late to the original post, as well as his jokes about what would happen if he were with an Indian girl. I asked him if he would still be with me if his family happened to dislike me for whatever reason. He said he would. He admitted that when he made the comment about a certain job I had awhile back he had used his family as a shield, that it wasn't about them--it was about him. He didn't like the idea of having to tell people about what I was doing at the time (housekeeping), especially compared to what he does as an engineer. I recently got a great job handling student loan accounts, which even I have to admit is much better, status-wise.

[krz12]

DOT, I do know some stuff...thankfully, he's the youngest overall, so he's not expected to support his family to the extent that his older brother (who is the oldest overall) would have to. He has no plans to go back permanently; he wants to stay here.

 

He's joked numerous times about how if he were with an Indian girl she would do 'everything' for him--cook every day, do his laundry, blah blah blah. We have a pretty much equal partnership when it comes to those things and I HATE when he jokes about that. I've told him it's annoying but he has no idea how much it really hurts me. I cried about it once when he wasn't around. It makes me think that deep down, that's what he really wants and will eventually leave me high and dry to get it.

 

It's not a matter of 'want'. It's what he was trained for years to expect.

 

His family considers you to be a temporary dalliance.

[thatone]

and when they see topless pics on facebook they'll point and say "see we told you so", and they'll be right.

[torn_curtain]

I agree with others that this is an issue that likely won't change and will become even more prominent if you two get married. So either accept it or break it off with him.

[Chocolat]

While I agree that there can be cultural differences between Indians and Americans, I am not convinced that this particular example is rooted in culture. I think there are plenty of American men who would not like their gf to post nude (albeit painted) pictures of themselves where their family and friends could view said pictures.

 

As for needing to please his family, this is trickier to sort out. On the one hand, you need a bf who is an adult and makes his own decisions. On the other, if you are truly planning to be forever partners, the reality is that most healthy adults will want to be able to maintain happy and healthy relationships with their families (and I include both of you and your families in this statement). The notion of being in love and going it alone is romantic but, frankly, the notion of having a loving extended family is a far more practical choice. *waits for in-law flaming*

 

As someone said earlier in this thread, communication is the key. Have the two of you discussed what "forever" looks like? Will you both work outside the home? Will you have children? Who will care for them? How will you manage finances? Where will you live? All of this may seem tedious to think about, but marriage (and forever) is built on core values.

 

As someone said early in the thread, communication is

[Star Gazer]

I don't think this has anything to do with different cultures. The most American BF I've ever had wouldn't like his family seeing me publishing photos online of me in a PAINTED ON bikini top (which let's be honest, is still half naked).

[tigressA]

You guys completely misread my post. In the pics I mentioned, I am wearing a bra that I painted, along with the top part of my body, including my face. That was why I said it could be mistaken for a simple bikini top. To further clarify, I was also wearing jeans. I was not topless.

[FitChick]

The boyfriend may want to stay in America but when his work visa expires he will have to go back. The employment situation is actually better in India, what with so many of our jobs being outsourced there. If he left, you'd have to decide to get married or not, if that is even an option, which it may not be. If you do marry, you will have to adapt to the culture there.

[Sivok]

I think we need to see said picture to best analyze whether your boyfriend's reaction is cultural or not

[Pierre]

The boyfriend may want to stay in America but when his work visa expires he will have to go back. The employment situation is actually better in India, what with so many of our jobs being outsourced there. If he left, you'd have to decide to get married or not, if that is even an option, which it may not be. If you do marry, you will have to adapt to the culture there.

 

The most important thing is to get used to the smell of curry in the clothes.

 

BTW, some folks from these parts of the world are hung up on status. I have seen not very well to do folks from over there that cannot drive anything, but a Mercedes.

[tigressA]

I think we need to see said picture to best analyze whether your boyfriend's reaction is cultural or not

 

I can tell you and everyone right now that that will not be happening in this thread. I'm not going to have it turn into a dissection of something that is only one part of the overall issue.

[linwood]

You`re in a pickle.

 

I don`t see any reason for his cultural preferences to override your cultural preferences especially when you are living within your culture..not his.

 

I understand your situation and your feelings for this man but myself personally I could`t deal with the differences the attitude.

 

It seems you are willing to accept and tolerate what you consider to be his cultural oddities.

It does`t seem he`s willing to give you the same respect.

[Sivok]

I can tell you and everyone right now that that will not be happening in this thread. I'm not going to have it turn into a dissection of something that is only one part of the overall issue.

Talk about a buzzkill! Anyway, I was sarcastic .

 

I can't speak for Indian culture specifically, but I can tell you as a Syrian Muslim that I along with all of my immediate cousins are under alot of pressure to marry those from our culture/religion/countries. Personally, I have never met another Syrian girl I really connected with. All of my girlfriends have been American or European. The happiest of my cousins both happen to have rebelled against their parents and married their SO.

 

One of them, he's 27, married his highschool sweetheart - who had a culture conflict of her own. Both my cousin and his wife were very religious, along with their direct families. She was Greek Orthodox and he was Muslim. They were highschool sweethearts, and fought for each other for years until their folks realized they weren't winning this fight.

 

On contrast, my most miserable cousins are 28 and 30 females, who are only finding love in Americans. They break off every relationship when the love is mutual, because they know their parents would never approve. It's a very sad reality, and god knows they wont resonate with a guy straight from Syria. We're all pretty white washed.

 

That was all a bit long-winded, but I truly feel as a person of culture/religion that - due to my experience in relationships - I concluded that the most important thing is mutual love and respect. If your BF holds the same values, Tigress, you have nothing to worry about. The immediate problem sounds like an issue of understanding, communication, and compromise on both ends more than any other possible underground reasoning.

[Star Gazer]

You guys completely misread my post. In the pics I mentioned, I am wearing a bra that I painted, along with the top part of my body, including my face. That was why I said it could be mistaken for a simple bikini top. To further clarify, I was also wearing jeans. I was not topless.

 

You said it was body paint - and a painted bra on.

 

So, I'm imagining something like what the Sports Illustrated models did.

[Nexus One]

You said it was body paint - and a painted bra on.

 

So, I'm imagining something like what the Sports Illustrated models did.

 

I interpreted it in the same way.

[Art_Critic]

I interpreted it in the same way.

 

and right after she posted about the bra in the same sentence she said "It could've easily been mistaken for a swimsuit top.".. that kinda clarified it for me that is was a bra that was painted.

 

Just saying...

[Star Gazer]

and right after she posted about the bra in the same sentence she said "It could've easily been mistaken for a swimsuit top.".. that kinda clarified it for me that is was a bra that was painted.

 

Just saying...

 

Have you seen the SI models painted on bikinis? They could easily be mistaken for the real deal. Until you see nipple.

[tigressA]

Have you seen the SI models painted on bikinis? They could easily be mistaken for the real deal. Until you see nipple.

 

I have already told you that was not the case at all. You misinterpreted my post. Art Critic has it right.

 

Anyway...BF and I have talked about this. It's pretty much resolved.

[sm1tten]

I actually thought it was the painted on variety too, but whatever. Whether it's a real bra or not doesn't actually change what it's covering up.

 

So... what happened, TA?

[tigressA]

We did talk about it. I brought up yesterday's incident and the job thing I added late to the original post, as well as his jokes about what would happen if he were with an Indian girl. I asked him if he would still be with me if his family happened to dislike me for whatever reason. He said he would. He admitted that when he made the comment about a certain job I had awhile back he had used his family as a shield, that it wasn't about them--it was about him. He didn't like the idea of having to tell people about what I was doing at the time (housekeeping), especially compared to what he does as an engineer. I recently got a great job handling student loan accounts, which even I have to admit is much better, status-wise.

 

Earlier post.

[dispatch3d]

Then he abruptly asked me to go to my photos. He saw a handful of pics from recent modeling shoots I had put up--nothing even close to indecent. The most revealing were a few body-paint shots where I had jeans and a painted bra on.

 

other incidents similar to this that have made me feel like I will have to censor myself or 'improve' myself way beyond what is typically expected in order to make a positive impression upon his family.

 

he had said something like "I don't really want to explain to my family, when they ask what you do, that you clean rooms..."

 

He talks on the phone with his friends/family in language(s) that I could never hope to understand in this lifetime.

 

So he doesn't want his family seeing naked photos of you on the internet. I wouldn't really slot this into "significant self improvement". The second complaint seemed equally trivial to me. He doesn't like the idea of telling his family you're a cleaner - he should probably get over it haha. The languages thing, well, him and his family are being really rude and not realizing it.

[Star Gazer]

It's unfortunate that it seems like you're always trying to place blame on him.

 

If you're culturally incompatible and/or share different value, you're culturally incompatible and/or share different values. Doesn't make him a bad guy.

[sm1tten]

I meant with the pictures - but I had forgotten that you de-friended his brother. My bad.

 

FWIW, I dated a man whose first language was Spanish. When we met, he spoke very poor English and while I am almost fluent in Spanish, our dialects, slang, and speaking styles were different enough that communication was difficult. When he'd get around his friends, rapid-fire Spanish would commence and I'd be just kind of sitting there half-engaged in the conversation. I can totally relate to that. I knew it wasn't intended to be rude or to leave me out but I remember feeling not-so-great about it. I hope that the two of you can find a way for you to not feel left out when his friends visit.

[dispatch3d]

Oh lol guys also an engineer haha me too. Yeah us engineers like to offer encouragement to others in the form of "hey you should try for a better job". Don't take it as an insult ;-).