Searching for some hope.

[citylove]

My ex-boyfriend (I hate saying that) and I are both 19 years old. We were together for nearly 3 years, since we were juniors in high school. We've known each other since 7th grade, and neither of us have ever been with anyone else.

 

He broke up with me two days ago after an entire week of arguing and then another week of him shutting me out; withdrawing. He finally decided to come over to my house and talk about whatever was going on, and I knew something bad was in the works. At first, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He didn't come over and straight-up break up with me. We talked for a while and it ended in him pretty much explaining that he feels confused about "who he is" and he thinks he needs to break up with me so he can "find himself." Sort of cliche, but I understand. As expected, I did not take this very well. I was (and still am) very in love with him, and naturally I begged him to reconsider. I'm sure that wasn't my best course of action, but I went with my emotions. We were both sobbing when he finally left my house.

 

He and I have had some contact since then... I've called him crying and texted him, and we've been very sweet to each other. Today he came over for a "final talk" and to take some of his things that were left at my house. I read him a letter that I wrote, and he essentially told me that while neither of us knows what will happen and that we'll "be together if it's meant to be," I need to respect his decision and try to shift the way I think of him. He said that he cannot completely rule out the possibility of us getting back together in the future because no one knows how we'll feel in a few months, but he does not want me to get my hopes up about it. He wants me to try and take care of myself and proceed as if we are surely broken up forever. At the same time, he said that he cares for me deeply and he wants to be there for me when I need him. I've struggled with some anxiety issues, and he has been one of my biggest supporters as I've sought therapy and other methods of treatment. He is truly an amazing person and we both care for each other so much. He cried when I returned some of his things, and we gave each other a long hug. It hurt like nothing has ever hurt before.

 

I attend college in another town, while he attends a university in our hometown. We made it through a year of being long-distance and I feel that I've done everything I can to establish a life for myself separated from him. I even took a trip to Africa for an entire month this summer, and he is involved with many things on his own campus. We are planning to see each other next week to say goodbye before I move back to school (about 3 hours away) for the year. He has also said that it's alright for us to meet up over breaks from school and talk about whatever we might feel at the time.

 

Right now, I'm just confused as to what I should do. I love him very, very much, and the only thing on my brain is how to bring us back together. I've talked to so many friends, and the general consensus seems to be that the only possibility of him wanting me back is if I take care of myself and try to "let him go." I know that if he is going to miss me, I need to let him miss me and see that I am a strong, independent woman. At the same time, I'm scared that if I let him go, he will move on quickly and I will be stuck with this deep love and longing to be reunited with him. The thought of him being with someone else and realizing that he doesn't need me is so terrifying.

 

I'm reassured that he still wants to be a part of my life, but I'm lost as to what to do. I just want "us" back. Any advice would be greatly appreciated... I suppose I'm just looking for threads of hope that my chances for a relationship with him are not completely gone.

 

Thanks in advance!

[wilsonx]

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Right now, I'm just confused as to what I should do. I love him very, very much, and the only thing on my brain is how to bring us back together. I've talked to so many friends, and the general consensus seems to be that the only possibility of him wanting me back is if I take care of myself and try to "let him go." I know that if he is going to miss me, I need to let him miss me and see that I am a strong, independent woman. At the same time, I'm scared that if I let him go, he will move on quickly and I will be stuck with this deep love and longing to be reunited with him. The thought of him being with someone else and realizing that he doesn't need me is so terrifying.

 

I'm reassured that he still wants to be a part of my life, but I'm lost as to what to do. I just want "us" back. Any advice would be greatly appreciated... I suppose I'm just looking for threads of hope that my chances for a relationship with him are not completely gone.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

What I bolded is absolutely true, you have to let him go. And its for your own benefit not for his. You also have to go hardcore NC. I mean really hardcore. You can't see him on your breaks, you can't look at his facebook page, you cant, email him, text him or even call him even if he does all these things to you first.

 

You have to block him from facebook, you have to. Because your biggest fear is going to come true and you can't see it as it will devastate you. That's why NC is so important right now and for how ever long it takes you to lose your feelings for him.

 

I know you are probably scared to death but this is one of those things you just have to go through in life. He was being 100% honest with you and you need to respect his wishes. You do not know what the future may bring and you can't wait around for it being him, otherwise you will waste your life. You will find somebody that will want to be with you and stick with you like you deserve to be with you later on, but for now, you really need to start looking forward and only at yourself. If you are going to school, they usually have some sort of counseling offered to students for free, you should check into this to help you get through these tough times. Don't be afraid of doing so or think any less of yourself.

Edited August 20, 2011 by wilsonx

[california15]

SO he ends the relationship... and then gets to call the shots afterwards about being able to meet each other over breaks from school?

 

Uhhhhh no. Thats your decision. If and when you guys get to talk again, if and when you guys get to see each other and again, and certainly if and when you guys date again. This healing is about you. YOU. ONLY YOU. he cannot break up with you and expect you to be there, waiting, for when he thinks its convenient to talk/meet. You're not some puppy waiting for the master to call the shots. You deserve better than that.

 

Sorry sister, but you have your own life - one that does not involve waiting for a guy to 'come around'. You don't need him to have fun, to have a great life. Sure, he probably made a positive addition TO your life but you will realize (as did I) that he is NOT your life, regardless of how long they've been in your life.

 

Try to start seeing the situation as permanent - NC is the way to go. Its going to be hard but its worth it. Your heart and sanity are worth it. We're all in that boat too, so come here when its hard.

[Utahguy058]

I have walked the path of major heartbreak. It is one of the absolute most difficult challenges you will ever face. Yet I have felt that it would be permanent and I would never ever love again or feel whole again. A year ago I ended a relationship with someone that I was with for 3.5 years. It was so incredibly hard. I was sure that I wouldn't survive this. Yet through the support of great friends and some hard work I was able to overcome it. The no contact rule is essential to overcoming it. Every time you talk to him you will lose so much of the progress you have made. I don't know what the future holds for you, but to live with the thought of what if is not good. Accepting it is over in time will be huge in overcoming this hurt. It will end. I promise. Mine ended after awhile. I don't think about him anymore. I don't hurt or long for him anymore. Everyday it got a little bit better. The song stronger by Sara Evans is exactly how I felt and so true. You sound like an amazing person and have so much to learn and grow still. Love will find you again. I promise. Don't lose hope. Feel free to come here as much as you need for support. It helped me beyond belief. Just remember to not contact him, stay away from love songs. Listen to music that isn't about love. Keep busy. Force yourself to do things even though you have no desire. Make new memories. Be with those you love and want to be there for you. Before you know it you will find joy and happiness again. Hoping the best for you.