stronganyway Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) Ok-it's a bit complicated but... We were together for 2 years as gf/bf and best friends. He then wanted an "open relationship" which means have sex with other women and still have you, too. I said no. I left. He texted me almost daily begging me to be his friend, that he had to have me in his lfe. I told him to stop MANY TIMES. I did not answer the texts except to say STOP. After a year I picked up a call from him. He persuaded me to be friends. I agreed. I take responsibility for that. It was stupid. So, we go back to being best friends. This lasted about 8 months. He was always telling me how fantastic I was, unlike anyone he ever met, how he loved me, how smart, creative, etc. I was. It felt like things were moving in a new direction. One day I decided to be intimate with him again- then we started seeing each other every week. Talking, dinners, sex..talking everyday on the phone. I made a stupid assumption because of the way he was BEING with me and SPEAKING to me there was nobody else. Fast Forward 4 months; he gets accepted to a school in NY. The week before,he never had time to see me. He never called, only texts- short ones. Finally I said I either say goodbye to you tonight (for NY) or it will be on the phone. I would rather do it in person. He came over and I found out he had been seeing somebody for A YEAR- having sex with her almost every week, def. once a week in the last 3 months. He said she was 'chill' and 'took care of him' (this i still do not understand since I was incredibly giving) and no he did not love her. He really didn't, and in fact she was weak and kind of boring, not the kind of woman he would pick to be in a relationship with. He loved me - then more telling me how amazing I am, how much he has learned, how he loves nobody on earth more than me but his family. I do believe he loved me, sincerely. Not the point. HERE IS MY QUESTION: Isn't seeing a woman for a year on a weekly basis different than just having a non-monogamous relationship? I thought ok, he was sleeping with other women, but the last 3 months were so romantically intense, I thought no WAY was he seeing anyone- the way he spoke to me, etc. I think he should have TOLD me he was seeing this woman for a YEAR before we got intimate again, because that is a RELATIONSHIP and I would have never gotten intimate with him under such conditions. We had a huge, horrid fight. He left. He's on the road (driving to NY) and has not called, texted "I miss you" 2x and that's it. It was LOUSY the way he handled the situatuion. I SERIOUSLY loved this man and we were, I thought, best friends. I KNOW he loved me too- and he insisted a month ago that moving meant nothing, we would talk, we would see eachother- he would not accept me not being in his life...then he KICKED me out of it!!! I am so confused and so hurt. I sincerely miss him and am sincerely angry at the same time. I think he was afraid of intimacy and set himself up to push me away and make me mad. What do YOU think? Ug. Thank you so much for 'listening'!! It was a LONG story!! Edited August 20, 2011 by stronganyway had to add another fact
wilsonx Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) Well, as an outsider looking in, when he said he wanted an open relationship, I think he wanted an open relationship with you while dating the other chick. That's what it sounds like, he strung you along with all those comments, i love your the best 2nd to my family. That's a string a long as I like to call it. I have to give him credit, he told you exactly what he wanted. You're instincts told you that and you ended it and left. This is why I do not believe in second chances ever, it always turns out to be like this. The ex is always the FWB and the person on the string until the other person can find better. He's emotionally immature. He does love you, he's not lying, I don't think he's attracted to you like he's attracted to the other girl though and thats why people are confused as **** when it comes to relationships. You can love one person and be attracted to another and thats the danger of emotionally immature people. An older guy I work with told me that he loves his ex wife and they still tell each other they love each other, the only difference is he has sex and is attracted to his current wife. Kind of weird and mind boggling eh? Edited August 20, 2011 by wilsonx
Author stronganyway Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Ya, that last part is kinda scary to me....! Ya, maybe he was more attracted to that other chick, it is just SO f-ed up, hurtful, selfish and immature to do that to someone you sincerely (as I believe and you seem to agree) love---and have been best friends with for so many years. The thing that hurts the most is THAT betrayal. He just dumped our friendship and any love he had for me, or I for him, down the toilet......was it WORTH it? That's what I want to ask- but won't. NC with him. I always thanked the universe for him being in my life because he was so kind and compassionate and honest.....THE nicest guy I've ever known. WOW. I have to see him in a totally different light now- I don't know who he is.... and that is frightening and super freaking sad. Usually after 5 years you know who somebody is, faults and all. i NEVER in a million years thought he would be, could be the type that could pull this kind of...horrible ugliness. Sorry I am ranting. It's really fresh, he just texted me an hour ago for the first time in a week and said, "I just don't feel comfortable talking to you right now because I am afraid of your anger." He's so manipulative, turning this on me. He can't talk to me because he screwed up and won't admit it and is (hopefully!!) ashamed. I feel really good just not texting him back. Just knowing that causes pain for me, no matter what is said- and you are right, second chances never work out. It's like going back for more helpings of failure. No thank you. Cheers
wilsonx Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I was in the same position as you, so I know what you are feeling right now. The betrayal is the hardest part to get over. It still hurts and I'm 3 months out. The rest I don't care about. I've accepted that my ex wasn't really my friend, my friends are still right here supporting me and shes gone. You will see that too. The thing is you will become much stronger after this. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.
Author stronganyway Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I can't imagine thinking he wasn't really my friend when he helped me in so many ways before all this, but I see what you are saying. I ended up in ER today- it's been a week of not being able to get OUT of bed. It's not like normal depression where I don't want to get up, I wanted to go to yoga, see friends, etc. but had NO energy. A friend said it might be anemmia. I was just laying around miserable and thought, I should just go get checked out (insurance covers). After 5 hours they said I was very healthy...that depression can cause physical, real symptoms. Wow. Anyways, I think he was my friend for a while, before all this started happening. Then he took me for granted and in my eyes lost friend status and obviously can never regain it. I know I can make new friends---it's just when people do things that make the world look so ugly--people you thought were good people....it feels like a stab in the chest. We were in a non-monogamous relationship but he treated me as if I was the only one - he did a really ****ty thing & I wish he could know how much he hurt me, but no way will I talk to him and I don't think he could really hear it anyway. I am sorry about your situation. 3 months- you are certainly on your way, but the hurt takes as long as it needs to take to mend, I suppose. I will keep trying to stay grounded, I know this will hurt for a long time. It pisses me off...but its true. Thanks, and you are doing a great job and she is the one who is weak and pathetic. Ick. You are strong. we will both heal....
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