I'm losing focus & got into an awful situation.

[IceblinkLuck]

Hi all,

 

I just wanted to perhaps vent a little and also see if anyone else has had trouble with this particular kind of situation in a LDR. I'll try to keep it concise, so bear with me!

 

Basically, I have been in my LDR for 3 years. We met online, evolved to talking daily for about 6 months before admitting that we had feelings for one another. We ended up meeting shortly after, and have been able to work things so that we can see one another about 4x a year - We live in different countries. We even were able to live together for several months at one point, and it was the happiest I have ever been. I know in my HEART that this is the right person for me, there are NEVER any games, and the only 'negative' I can see (apart from the distance) is that we are almost IDENTICAL in personality. Introverted and like to get lost in our own world.

 

Anyway, I recently started an intensive graduate program that has left me drained and overwhelmed. There's a 7 hour time gap between us, so with our schedules, its VERY hard to make time to talk - and this has always been a huge part of our relationship, the communication. Also, as a side note before I get into all this, I have NEVER been tempted to stray and never thought I would be in this situation.

 

So, to cut a long story short, I'm struggling in the program, I don't feel like I have my feet under me, and I started to become close to a peer of mine that I really did connect with. We get (I guess 'got' now) along great, same humor, would study together. I made it clear from DAY ONE that I was in a LDR. At one point, when I was discussing the relationship with him (we'll just call him A), he dismissed it by saying he 'didn't see the point' of what I was doing and 'didn't want me to get hurt'. Anyway, we began hanging out a lot, to the point where it would be study related but 'go over' and I'd then end up not giving my LDR partner the time I should have been.

 

Next, 'A' invited me to something one on one that felt date like. He made the point of saying he didn't want a 'third wheel'. I initially accepted b/c I have a hard time saying no, but then spoke to him honestly and said that it didn't feel appropriate, and that I could see 'feelings' developing between us that would jeopardize things personally and at school. Also, it took place on a Saturday, which is the only day my LDR and I really get to talk. I told him that as well. He initially ignored me for about a day, then apologized and insisted he was 'totally cool' with being friends.

 

I DO care for 'A' a great deal, and this is part of why I'm such a mess. We carried on as friends, but ended up kissing one night. Then, all of a sudden, he was saying he 'loved me' and wanted us to be together forever. He claims to have trust issues, as do I, and I was really taken aback. Things were kind of odd for about a week after that - I knew it was wrong but I think the lack of communication with my LDR and the intensity of school made my resolve falter. I am in no means trying to play victim here, and I guess in a sense it was easy to get caught up in. However, I feel there was a lot of game playing and my school/group is very gossipy.

 

So, I had him come over and told him, flat out, I care for him and WILL BE THERE, but I can never be more than a friend. It's hard, b/c I'm not someone who has a lot of 'casual acquaintances', and will only become close with those who I feel a deep connect with. I genuinely do care about 'A', and DON'T want to play games, so I tried to lay this out.

 

He took it harshly at first, and I told him, even if things had ended in my LDR, I'd need time, but the reality was that this person was someone I planned on building a life with. He eventually said he felt our friendship was something he didn't want to lose, either, and that we'd stick with that.

 

That worked for a few days, and then things got blurred again. We never slept together or anything of that nature, but I guess the dynamic between us always felt 'charged'. Next thing I know, he's calling me his 'girlfriend' to people and expecting me to hang out with him every night (again, this all transpired w/in a few days - we've only known one another about 6 weeks total). I have class all weekend, and he was trying to pressure me to drop it. I've also been run down and told him I needed to get rest tonight. I spoke to my LDR for a while, and every time we talk, it's just fortified that it is RIGHT. So, I called 'A' on the phone and just said that I needed my space from him, and that though I care for him, I'm in love with someone else.

 

He then accused me of giving him a load of mixed signals. I do admit I played a part in how things developed, but I tried several times to make it clear my heart was invested elsewhere. He basically shut down (which he as done every time I've told him I can't do this) and said he 'couldn't even talk to me anymore or have anything to do with me'.

 

Sidenote: With 'A' I got a few red flags - i.e. the desire to RUSH things so much, he can be controlling, and he can be very jealous. Despite caring for him, something always felt 'off' and it just made me miss my LDR THAT MUCH MORE.

 

I feel awful, I didn't want anyone to get hurt, and I take my share in that things went too far. However, I also felt he didn't respect my boundaries and wanted to rush into something that I wouldn't be ready for even if I was single.

 

It's effected my LDR too in that I have this pervasive sense of guilt and I don't know what to tell him. I know it would destroy him, as he is a very genuine and trusting person. Basically, I just want to do what's right, I've been trying to do what's right, and I got sucked into this microcosm of 'school = life' when it's really just a blip on my radar.

 

I'm worried too, b/c we pretty much alienated ourselves from the group quickly, and now I feel a disconnect from my other peers. If I have to go the rest of this process alone, so be it, I just really don't even know what's up or down anymore.

 

I apologize for the tangent, but I needed to get this off my chest. I know I'm in a lot of ways 'the bad guy' here, and I was just curious if anyone has been through something similar and how they inevitably dealt with it?

 

Thank you for anyone who got through my diatribe!

[creighton0123]

You have been honest with 'A' and he doesn't get the hint. You might not want anyone to get hurt, but in life it is more important to keep yourself happy and secure. You will hurt him. You have to, otherwise everything will continue. He obviously cannot be friends with you.

 

So... you slipped and kissed another guy? It happens. You then corrected 'A' and told him that you could only be his friend. He didn't get the memo despite your being quite clear.

 

Spell it out for him: "I don't want to be with you." Anything less than that will not resolve the situation. Be careful, though. People like this who become obsessed can become disruptive or dangerous.

[IceblinkLuck]

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

I think (KNOW, actually) that you are 100% correct now. School has been a nightmare since I last posted. The class I am in is very small, and I have been paired up with 'A' several times. He is now at the point of playing games all the time with me - jovial and friendly one moment, then completely shut down and ice cold the next. Also, we attempted to study together recently, at which he then started to press about the nature of our relationship. He doesn't seem to understand that I am not emotionally available (I guess he takes it VERY personally), and it is to the point where I am completely drained. He will claim to 'understand that it is hard for me' one moment, then expect me to change my entire life to be with him the next. I think it's become an 'all or nothing' situation and there is no in between, sadly.

 

My LDR is coming to visit me in a few weeks, and I am really looking forward to some drama free quality time with the person I love. I'm at the point now where I feel like things with 'A' have escalated to emotional game play/borderline manipulation, and plan on switching to a differently scheduled program for the Fall quarter. It will give me more time to focus on school, my LDR, and distance myself from drama and games.

 

Again, thank you for what you said, for not judging me (I'm still judging myself!), and for helping to clarify the path I need to take. It's not the ideal one, but it seems the only way.

 

Best wishes to you!

[hoping2heal]

Hi all,

 

I just wanted to perhaps vent a little and also see if anyone else has had trouble with this particular kind of situation in a LDR. I'll try to keep it concise, so bear with me!

 

Basically, I have been in my LDR for 3 years. We met online, evolved to talking daily for about 6 months before admitting that we had feelings for one another. We ended up meeting shortly after, and have been able to work things so that we can see one another about 4x a year - We live in different countries. We even were able to live together for several months at one point, and it was the happiest I have ever been. I know in my HEART that this is the right person for me, there are NEVER any games, and the only 'negative' I can see (apart from the distance) is that we are almost IDENTICAL in personality. Introverted and like to get lost in our own world.

 

Anyway, I recently started an intensive graduate program that has left me drained and overwhelmed. There's a 7 hour time gap between us, so with our schedules, its VERY hard to make time to talk - and this has always been a huge part of our relationship, the communication. Also, as a side note before I get into all this, I have NEVER been tempted to stray and never thought I would be in this situation.

 

So, to cut a long story short, I'm struggling in the program, I don't feel like I have my feet under me, and I started to become close to a peer of mine that I really did connect with. We get (I guess 'got' now) along great, same humor, would study together. I made it clear from DAY ONE that I was in a LDR. At one point, when I was discussing the relationship with him (we'll just call him A), he dismissed it by saying he 'didn't see the point' of what I was doing and 'didn't want me to get hurt'. Anyway, we began hanging out a lot, to the point where it would be study related but 'go over' and I'd then end up not giving my LDR partner the time I should have been.

 

Next, 'A' invited me to something one on one that felt date like. He made the point of saying he didn't want a 'third wheel'. I initially accepted b/c I have a hard time saying no, but then spoke to him honestly and said that it didn't feel appropriate, and that I could see 'feelings' developing between us that would jeopardize things personally and at school. Also, it took place on a Saturday, which is the only day my LDR and I really get to talk. I told him that as well. He initially ignored me for about a day, then apologized and insisted he was 'totally cool' with being friends.

 

I DO care for 'A' a great deal, and this is part of why I'm such a mess. We carried on as friends, but ended up kissing one night. Then, all of a sudden, he was saying he 'loved me' and wanted us to be together forever. He claims to have trust issues, as do I, and I was really taken aback. Things were kind of odd for about a week after that - I knew it was wrong but I think the lack of communication with my LDR and the intensity of school made my resolve falter. I am in no means trying to play victim here, and I guess in a sense it was easy to get caught up in. However, I feel there was a lot of game playing and my school/group is very gossipy.

 

So, I had him come over and told him, flat out, I care for him and WILL BE THERE, but I can never be more than a friend. It's hard, b/c I'm not someone who has a lot of 'casual acquaintances', and will only become close with those who I feel a deep connect with. I genuinely do care about 'A', and DON'T want to play games, so I tried to lay this out.

 

He took it harshly at first, and I told him, even if things had ended in my LDR, I'd need time, but the reality was that this person was someone I planned on building a life with. He eventually said he felt our friendship was something he didn't want to lose, either, and that we'd stick with that.

 

That worked for a few days, and then things got blurred again. We never slept together or anything of that nature, but I guess the dynamic between us always felt 'charged'. Next thing I know, he's calling me his 'girlfriend' to people and expecting me to hang out with him every night (again, this all transpired w/in a few days - we've only known one another about 6 weeks total). I have class all weekend, and he was trying to pressure me to drop it. I've also been run down and told him I needed to get rest tonight. I spoke to my LDR for a while, and every time we talk, it's just fortified that it is RIGHT. So, I called 'A' on the phone and just said that I needed my space from him, and that though I care for him, I'm in love with someone else.

 

He then accused me of giving him a load of mixed signals. I do admit I played a part in how things developed, but I tried several times to make it clear my heart was invested elsewhere. He basically shut down (which he as done every time I've told him I can't do this) and said he 'couldn't even talk to me anymore or have anything to do with me'.

 

Sidenote: With 'A' I got a few red flags - i.e. the desire to RUSH things so much, he can be controlling, and he can be very jealous. Despite caring for him, something always felt 'off' and it just made me miss my LDR THAT MUCH MORE.

 

I feel awful, I didn't want anyone to get hurt, and I take my share in that things went too far. However, I also felt he didn't respect my boundaries and wanted to rush into something that I wouldn't be ready for even if I was single.

 

It's effected my LDR too in that I have this pervasive sense of guilt and I don't know what to tell him. I know it would destroy him, as he is a very genuine and trusting person. Basically, I just want to do what's right, I've been trying to do what's right, and I got sucked into this microcosm of 'school = life' when it's really just a blip on my radar.

 

I'm worried too, b/c we pretty much alienated ourselves from the group quickly, and now I feel a disconnect from my other peers. If I have to go the rest of this process alone, so be it, I just really don't even know what's up or down anymore.

 

I apologize for the tangent, but I needed to get this off my chest. I know I'm in a lot of ways 'the bad guy' here, and I was just curious if anyone has been through something similar and how they inevitably dealt with it?

 

Thank you for anyone who got through my diatribe!

 

If you want to do the right thing, you need to first be honest with your LDR partner about what has been going on and then be honest with yourself.

 

"You ever hear that saying "Do what feels right?" Well, I'm one person who actually hates that saying. If I acted on everything that "felt right" Oh brother - don't get me started. I have acted plenty on "doing what felt right" and if there is anything I have figured out - its that feelings are fickle and they can be swayed so very simply and I just personally choose to have a more solid ground than "feelings" to stand on. People end up in affairs because it feels right, they end up staying in dead -end or bad relationships - because "it's what their heart wants..just how they feel".

 

Now, you were struggling in your LDR with distance and your personal life and this guy comes along and gives you attention and even though you knew it was wrong - you kept making decisions to stay in this dynamic with this guy because it was how you felt, right?

 

Now you're in one big pickle, right? Hey, you're human it happens.

 

The best advice I can give you is to quit being led by your emotions because so far it hasn't led you anywhere good. Your relationship is now comfluxed and (it sounds like?) you're lying to the guy, you have this other guy with major issues who is waiting for you to throw him a bone, and you - must be feeling totally head under water by about now trying to sort this all out.

 

 

Be honest with your partner and think about what you want - where and who you want to be - not what you feel and consider the choices you need to make to get there.