Complicated situtation...not really sure what I'm looking for here.

[Rysen]

Hi everyone. First of all I've just got to say how awesome it is to see such a wonderfully supportive community. I've been lurking here for around 2 months now, reading everyone's stories, the advice given, and generally have found comfort from reading everyone's posts. It is really great to see that I'm not alone in the way that I have been feeling, but most importantly the amount of support and how caring all of you are. So I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and reply, but also to those for sharing their stories, it might not always seem like it makes that much of a difference but I can honestly that say that it really does.

 

But now, I find myself finally wishing to share my story, and I guess seek some advice. I apologise in advance for the length, because I'm sure that it will be very long. I tend to be a bit over-zealous in my writing.

 

About 2 months ago my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. It wasn't a horrible break, no one cheated on anyone, and we weren't fighting or anything like that. We always treated each other really well, and, when things were good between us, they were wonderful. I won't go into my life story, but, I've had to deal with a lot in my short life (I'm 20 years old), and this past year has been the best year I can recall and I can honestly say it was because of her and the love that we shared. It was an amazing relationship, that when it ended I really had a hard time accepting, and understanding why. She never really did give me any closure, just that she was "unhappy" and she wasn't sure why. That I didn't do anything wrong, that I was an amazing boyfriend, but that there was something about the relationship that made her unhappy. 2 weeks before it happened she came to me and asked for a break. We had had a pretty big arguement about something very silly, I was...feeling unappreciated and expressed in the wrong manner. She had been very busy that month (This was around February), and so I thought I would try and do some nice things for her to make her feel a little less stressed. An example would be that we are both musicians, she plays the Tuba, (which is kind of funny cause she's a really tiny girl ) and she was having a heck of a time finding the sheet music to "Tubby the Tuba", a narration to music for children that she had always wanted to learn how to play. I couldn't find it either, so I got a copy of the song, and spent an entire day figureing out all the notes, and writing it all out by hand. She didn't really respond to that, and how much work it took, but that was okay, I figured she was busy...and yeah. In any event, she got really mad at me because her father had asked me to do some work for him, but at the time that he asked me it just wasn't possible because of all the things I was involved with. So a few weeks later, I had thought that he didn't need my help anymore, so I didn't bother trying to contact him about it, I figured if he still needed me he would call. She basically told me that I need to start making things happen for myself, and got really upset at the fact that I hadn't talked to her father about working for him, and just....it was the tone, she really..laid into me about it, when it wasn't that big of a deal. I could understand if she felt that I was avoiding her father or something, I just thought that she could have approached me about it a little bit better, instead of just yelling at me. So, I got mad back, saying that I had been doing all this stuff for her, and instead of a thank-you, all she did was get mad at me over something that really didn't involve her...at least I felt it didn't.

 

So the next day she came over and asked me for a break. It lasted about a week, (it should've been much longer) but she had decided that she really missed me and didn't want to break up. A week later, she began avoiding me, and canceling basically any plans that we made. She also stopped kissing me, and when I did try, it was always awkward and just felt like she didn't want me to. So I thought it was a good idea to confront her about this, which just made things worse, but I guess it was important. The next day, she called me and broke up with me. Yeah...over the phone. I haven't seen her since.

 

She's in her final year of high school (I'm a year older than her) and has her Prom this year, which we had planned on going to together. So I asked her about this the day she broke up with me, and she asked if I would still go with her. She told me that I didn't have to answer her that night, but (foolishly I think) I said that I would. I guess the thought of her going with some one else was just too much to bear, and I know even now if I heard she was going with someone else it would bother me. One thing though, that I should mention is that at the end of the phone conversation she told me she loved me which I returned.

 

We talked briefly for the next couple of days, and then she went away for a week on a school trip. It was hell. Plain and simple. She also broke up with me a week before my birthday, which ruined that but that's okay. When she returned from her trip (on the night of my birthday) she called me from her cell to wish me a happy birthday and to tell me that she had gotton something for me while she was away. At the end of that phone conversation she told me she had missed me.

 

For awhile it seemed like she was trying to get together so that she could give me the present, but I wasn't ready to see her yet. It was way too soon, but maybe I should've. In any event, it was becoming too much, and I decided that no contact for awhile was probably the best thing that I could do for myself. We went two weeks without talking to each other, and I did begin to feel better. Unfortunately, I had to get some information off of her about her prom, (Or Grad banquet as we call it here in Canada ), so I had to break the no contact. I e-mailed her and just asked her when it was, etc. It took a couple of days but she finally replied telling me that she was very sorry for not replying sooner that she had really wanted to but that she had been afraid. She said that she didn't know of what, but that was the reason why she didn't try and contact me. So I wrote back, not pushing her to talk to me about what she was afraid of, telling her that I understand about being afraid, and thanks for the information.

 

Another school trip a couple of days later, and she was gone for another week. Oddly enough, the trip was to where I had first met her, which was in Whistler British Columbia, on the same trip two years earlier.

 

I was feeling a lot better about things, not thinking about her as much and just generally feeling that I was doing okay. But then the strange thing is that she called me from her cell from the bus on the way back from the trip. This was about a week ago. She said that she was on her way home that she was really excited and wanted to talked to me. So she told me about her trip, and generally the conversation went really well. It was the first time we had talked on phone since my birthday. She was only an hour away from home, so it kind of confused and made me wonder why, not only just that she called, but also why she didn't wait until she got home where it wouldn't have cost as much money, etc.

 

So here we are today. I've come to the conclusion that because her and I have commited ourselves to this grad thing as friends, that we need to make things less awkward between us so that she can have a good time and I won't ruin the evening for her just because things are weird between us. I approached her about this tonight in a conversation on MSN. She agreed, so now we are going to a movie on Tuesday to try and break the tension a bit. I'm really nervous about this, because...I really want to respect her decision that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me any more, but at the same time, I still feel the same way about her despite how long we've been apart. (I know 2 months really isn't THAT long, but it's felt like it to me. ) I mean, I guess this was my first serious relationship (I know it was hers), but I've never felt this way after a break-up before. Normally I'd be pretty bummed for a few weeks, but, I always managed to get passed it and move on. This time I find I'm having a really difficult time letting go because to be honest when she asked for the original break, it came as a really, realy big surprise. I didn't realise that things were that bad for her, because she did a really good job of hiding it from me.

 

Like it says in the topic, I really don't know what I"m looking for here, I guess it's just really nice to vent.

I guess some advice on how I should act on Tuesday, would be great, as I don't want to push her further away from me, by talking about how much I miss her and how easily she could come back, but at the same time I guess I just don't want her to think that I've completely forgotton about her. I really am having mixed emotions about this..."date", I guess you could call it. I realise that a lot of "selfless" acts, can be considered selfish in that some times the reason people do them is because it makes them feel better about themselves, and I'll be honest I'm guilty of that on more than one occassion, but this time I really am sincere when I say that I really want to her to have an awesome time because it's a very important event, and it only happens once, it should be an unforgettable night. I just really don't know how things won't be awkward between us, even if we keep talking more and doing things together if I'm still feeling the way that I am. It's too late to cancel now, that'd be a really jerky thing to do anyway, and I really do want to go with her because she still means the world to me.... I guess I'm just nervous about how this is all going to play out, since I have no idea what or how she's feeling about me these days.

 

Well thanks for letting me vent, and to all those who take the time to read this and/or reply thanks a lot. You guys are all awesome.

Cheers

[bluechocolate]

It does indeed sound more like a rant than a request for advice, but there's nothing wrong with that at all. I find that sometimes just writing ( or typing ) things down can be act as a major release and can assist in giving you a new perspective.

 

It sounds to me like you know what to do.

 

My own opinion about being friends after a break up is well documented on this forum, despite my short time here. It does seem to be such an issue for people ( but of course only for those on the wrong side of the break up ). Clearly you still have feelings for this girl and seeing each other "just as friends" is going to make it harder for you to get over those feelings and move on. You said as much in your post. You've made these plans for her Graduation Banquet and you're right, this is a big deal for some people. Seeing as she wants you to go with her then I guess that you should follow through.

 

But of course you can think of it another way. When is the Graduation? Are you supposed to put your life on hold between now and then? She made the decision to end it so why should you hang around just to be her arm candy on her special night? She broke up with you just before your birthday. Wasn't that important to you? How did that make you feel?

 

I am really tempted to say that you are both too young to be having all these silly drama's, but that would be churlish of me. I remember what it was like in high school and all that boyfriend/girlfriend mumbo jumbo. It could certainly be all consuming, but believe me when I say that when you get older you'll look back and laugh.

 

You deserve to be told exactly what it is that she wants. If she wants to go out with you then great. This time ask her to be more communicative about things so you're not thrown for six when she tells you she's not happy and you couldn't see anything wrong.

 

If she doesn't want to go out with you then why should she have her cake and eat it too? You sound like a nice guy who wants to do the right thing by her, that's commendable. If it is indeed the case that she doesn't want to go out with you then say goodbye now, it doesn't have to be acrimonious, wish her well and tell her that you both need to move on. Keep the date with her for the Graduation if that is what you really want to do. But I would minimise contact between now and then. Then on the night, have a good time and say goodbye once more.

[Rysen]

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. It's greatly appreciated.

 

The banquet is at the end of this month on the 29th. They typically like to have it a month before the end of school, so it's really not that far away. But I agree that she's the one who ended it, and it doesn't make much sense why I should be the one who's putting his life on hold just so she can be happy. But, I guess that's apart of who I am. Even as she was breaking up with me, I was still trying my best to comfort her. Which she got mad at, saying I was "too good". Maybe I am too much of a nice guy....

 

I also agree that we are both very young, and took our relationship far more seriously than we should have. Myself especially, and yeah, the birthday thing really hurt. I turned 20, which I think is a fairly big milestone, but because the break-up was still so fresh, I didn't feel like celebrating much that day, and ultimately just ended up staying home not doing anything for it.

 

I have read your advice, and have taken every word to heart. Tonight I'm supposed to go to that movie with her, which I'm understandbly nervous about, so I guess I'll see what happens tonight and decide what my next move should be from there.

 

Thanks again for replying.

[cryshuh_jj]

I know exactly what you are going through. My ex and i broke up about a month and a half ago. we dated for a year and a half and decided we would remain friends. it has been a bumpy road the last month but i think we are better understanding this whole break up thing a lot better. You said that you were more or less just venting, but i think in the back of your mind you were hoping for some reassurance on your relationship with her. it seems to me that you are handling everything pretty well. i think when she is done with school she is really gonna realize how much she really does miss you. she has been in this routine for years and now that she starting a new part of it she is going to realize how much she really needs you there. Are you willing to give it a second try?????????

[Rysen]

Well I think my situation might be starting to gear towards the "Second Chances" forum, so this'll be the last time I post here.

 

cryshuh: I think you were right when you said that I was probably looking for some reassurance on my relationship with her, and I'm very much hopeing that you are right about her missing me. To answer your question, would I be willing to give it another try? In a heartbeat, if she was willing to communicate with me more about what the problems were in the first place so that we could both try our best to fix those, and avoid them in our next run. (if that becomes the case, it's still way too early to tell.)

 

I met her for that movie tonight, it was the first time we've seen each other since we broke up, and immediately after she arrived (we decided to meet each other there) the feelings of awkwardness and nervousness went away. She greeted me with a very strong hug, and we began talking as though nothing had ever happened between us. Through the night there was some flirting, where she grabbed my knee, and even burried her head in my shoulder when an embarrasing part happened in the movie. At one point there was a really mushy/sad scene where I just so happened to have an itch by my eye. So I scratched it and she thought I was crying and immediately made fun of me for it. She tickled me even, and so I did it back. It was just like when we were still together.

 

After the movie was over she asked me to walk her to her car, where she gave me another hug just as strong as before, and brought up the idea of us getting our corsage and bootineer (no idea how to spell that) together, for the grad banquet. She then added with a very strong puppy-dog-eyed expression (the same one she always used to get her way over things that were silly) if it could be soon. Like this Friday, soon. It almost appeared to me that she was looking for an excuse to get us to hang out together again, so I said of course. Then I got into my car and drove home.

 

I guess the best thing to do is to not push her, and not bring up the break-up/relationship for the next little while and just see what happens the more we hang out. I'm going into this without expectations though, so that if nothing happens then I won't have set myself up for a big let down. I must admit though, tonight's the best I've felt since we broke up.

 

Anywho, thanks for reading and replying again cryshuh and blue. I've definately felt a lot better for having shared what i've been feeling with people.