Rhia1978 Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I've been dating this guy for over a month now. I fell for him on our first date - he's told me he likes me too. We've met each others friends. I have a boardgames party this evening & he's invited. When I was confirming with him y'day he asked what my plans were y'day night. I told him I was out with the girls for Friday after work drinks. I asked him what he's upto - I didn't really want him over y'day - just wanted me me-time. Since he's been going through some tough times I took pity & invited him over for dinner. He agreed. So I rush home & get all dolled up, put the garlic bread in the oven - nothing. So after 30 mins I text him....again a bit later I send another text. A bit later I call him & leave a voice message. He's normally good at texting back. He rings me back & by then I had downed a bottle of wine out of frustration. He apologizes & tells me he's in afar away suburb & had 'lost track of time' - I was livid!! I told him I couldn't believe I left the girls early only to be stood up. He has never done this before & in fact arrives before time for dates. I tell him to come over but he says he has no transport. So he tells me he'll see me today. 'oh so he'll turn up as & when he wants' I thought. Infuriated I hung up. I texted him & asked him how he could make arrangements with me & then not show up. Anyway we exchanged a spate of texts where I even said 'enjoy with your girlfriend' & he told me he's with his male friend, who I've met, & there wasn't anything 'sinister' to his no show. I was so furious that I gave him an ultimatum (and I know that's not done but I was terribly upset my Friday was going down the gurgler) - 'you either turn up or no need to bother with tomorrow'. He texted back to tell me he didn't appreciate it & that it's upto me if I wanted him over today. What the hell!! So he's obliging me by turning up today? I texted him later & said I knew where I stood & it's upto him to attend today - no red carpet for him since he's like any other friend. Yes I was being nasty cos I was hurting. I also wanted him to realise he's not so important that I have to treat him special. Am really upset I've never been stood up before so this hurts. Also the unpleasant tiff has left a bad taste in my mouth. How I spent the night only I know. Am going overseas in less than 3 weeks so I want to spend as much time as I can with him - Friday would have been perfect...leading into Saturday. So my questions are: (a) will he turn up or have I blown it? (b) if he turns up how do I behave - am angry with him & I certainly don't know if I should treat him as merely a friend - all my friends know our status. © we haven't had the exclusivity chat yet - am I expecting too much? (d) how do I nicely tell him - if he turns up - that I am very hurt? Thanx in advance!
refurb Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 As a guy, this is my advice: 1. Don't play games. Don't ignore his calls, etc. 2. Tell him exactly why you're pissed off (include the details above). Tell him you changed your plans for him, cut short your time with your friends and then were left alone because he didn't follow through. 3. Listen to what he says. He likely just messed up. See if he tries to BS he way out of it or whether he owns up to his mistake. 4. If he apologizes, decide whether or not you forgive him. If you do, drop it. Don't bring it up again. Tips: - don't talk down to him like your his mother, treat him like an adult - you'll learn what kind of guy he is by how he handles it - if he's a decent guy, explaining your side of it should set him straight. If it doesn't, kick him to curb. RF
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Thanx Refurb. I haven't heard from him - been almost 12 hours now - knowing him he's probably sleeping off the big night. What if he doesn't turn up today? And even if he does it'll be tough to have a proper chat with all the guests around I really like him - normally takes me 2/3 months to warm up to a guy but I fell from him at first sight. I know men don't like ultimatums - I was so furious it slipped out. Am I wrong in feeling hurt when we haven't even discussed exclusivity? What's worse is that he wanted to hang out - it feels like rejection
sm1tten Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Well, honestly, I think you kind of effed up. By flipping out and issuing ultimatums you've presented him with a kind of nightmare scenario that no man wants to deal with. I get it - you cut your night short, he failed to show. It was rude on his part. However, your reaction - give that he had never done anything of the sort before, and probably exacerbated by your drinking - was completely over the top. (a) he may not show up. I'm sorry, but I have a feeling that he won't. (b) if you are still angry with him, then you should tell him not to come. But if you'd like to try to salvage things, you could arrange for the two of you to talk. © it isn't expecting too much for a person to keep their dates with you. But even if you were exclusive, people still make mistakes and ultimatums are never, ever helpful. Your issue isn't actually exclusivity - it's reliability. (d) I would perhaps ask him to come over before the board games or speak with him via telephone before he comes over... then follow refurb's advice. This isn't the kind of conversation others should be party to.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 I have texted him as you advised Sm1tten - have apologized for for being mean & have asked if he plans on coming today - if he says yes I will ask him to come a bit earlier than the rest. If what I did overshadows all the affection & consideration I have shown him - then fine he has the right to walk. I won't hold him back.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Maybe I Missed something, but i dont think you over reacted at all. I think he started to lose interest and you sensed this when he didnt show up. He knew he was supposed to hang with you, and all of a sudden he has no transport and hes out with his friends? he wanted to be out of reach. He was going to blow you off anyway, and standing you up was a reason to turn you off instead of telling you he lost interest. So you didnt ruin anything, he was already bailing out, he just did it in a VERY immature way.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Hi Eddie I never felt he had lost interest. He is going through a tough time searching for work for the past 3 weeks. In fact a few days back when I took a while to answer his text he wrote 'are you not talking to me anymore?' to me. I don't know whether I am looking too much into this but seems like he definitely still is keen. And y'day's plan was made by him - not me. Yes it feels bad that he stood me up & didn't even let me know on time but he doesn't have a car & transport at that time of the night would have been tough. A different matter if he was saying the truth. He in fact offered to introduce me to a childhood friend to show me around in his home town which I am visiting in a month's time. Thought that was very sweet of him. I have also jokingly asked him if we are friends with benefits & he said a stern no. Anyway it seems like he'll be a no show again today - 2 hours since my text & no response. Guess time will tell me what the situation is. If I were him I'd turn up with a bunch of flowers & a sorry note. I agree with Sm1tten that our problem is reliability & not exclusivity. And if he has indeed lost interest good luck to him finding a girl like me. I've survived heartbreak before & I'll survive this too.
betterdeal Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 What a wanker. Move on. Put him behind you. Don't waste your energy.
Andy_K Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I agree with the above. Why would you want him to turn up? There's no excuse to stand someone up and not call, it just screams that he has no respect for you.
Emilia Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 You texted and waited and he didn't even reply for ages. Don't look for excuses for him, he is a flake. Move on
AlexDP Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Women do this all the time and men can deal with it without getting upset and threatening the other party.
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Don't ever stand your friends up for some guy. And particularly, one you don't know well. To me it appears as if he was testing you, you failed the test and he was finished with you. The only time you should change your plans is for a life or death emergency.
refurb Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I agree with the above. Why would you want him to turn up? There's no excuse to stand someone up and not call, it just screams that he has no respect for you. People aren't perfect? Only the OP knows the details. Maybe he thought that if he came over he'd just be hanging out with her and her girls? Maybe he thought he was doing her a favor by giving her more time with them? I don't know. RF
betterdeal Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 He's a big boy - he can tell her why he broke his word if he wants to. Until such time, move on and forget about him.
Shaun-Dro Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Women do this all the time and men can deal with it without getting upset and threatening the other party. I agree with this. They've been doing this like crazy since empowering the feminist movement, increasing in such flakiness every decade. But once a man pulls a similar stunt, he's got a target on his back now.
betterdeal Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I agree with this. They've been doing this like crazy since empowering the feminist movement, increasing in such flakiness every decade. But once a man pulls a similar stunt, he's got a target on his back now. Grow up. Men and women do this. If you can't keep your word, you're nothing. If you choose to give people who break their word a second chance, that's your business. I have no time for fickle women, and the OP will do well to have no time for fickle men.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Refurb you are right I think. And he also probably didn't want to have a discussion about y'day in front of them - not that I would have done that. The intention of my text was as Sm1tten had suggested to get him over before my friends arrived. He hasn't answered & yes my words have hurt him. I don't think it's over since I know he likes me - most of my friends have met & like him - they all say he's clearing his head - also with his job situation he's in a bad place - drinking heavily & maybe slightly depressed. Anyway still not nice to stand up someone after inviting himself. I never stand up my friends but cos of his situation my friend suggested I go home earlier. My friends have & always will be my priority....never have had anyone complaining about me being one of those people who forget their friends when in a relationship. I also gave him a quick call to let him know we were expecting him - nothing heavy - just that. Still no answer. I can only give him time & space now - have cleared my conscience by apologizing & owning up to my actions - if he can't that's his issue. As I said before - if I was him I'd have turned up with a bunch of flowers & a sorry card - again knowing his job & financial situation it's a tough ask! Anyway I've gotten him an interview coming Tuesday - hope he gets the job & is happy. he doesn't need to thank me if he intends to call it quits - it's my gift to him.
ja123 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 This sounds like a very new relationship. My thoughts are that he was very wrong in treating you the way he did, and I think you made your point about being angry about it (which you should be) clear; however, don't beat a dead horse and hold on to the anger and recriminations at this point. You may want to consider taking a "time out period", and this doesn't have to be formal (e.g. don't tell him! that can be too hurtful and the relationship may not recover), just focus on doing good stuff for you - seeing friends, learning something new, exercising, trying a new recipe, etc. If he shows up today, I'd briefly apologize for the ultimatum and suggest that the two of you go out and do something active - play some sports, go see a movie, go to an arcade, etc. Do something that you two can both enjoy and be in the others' presense, but at the same time not talk too much at this point when emotions are high and there are risks in saying things that cannot be undone. Oh yeah ... and skip the sex today! (Is that possible? ) Cool down a bit. Observe his behaviour towards you while you put some time into doing your own things and basically take a time out (doesn't mean you don't see him - just slow things down), then eventually you may want to talk about exclusivity and expectations for treatment, etc. further down the line if it gets to the point where you're serious about him and he's serious about you. Good luck!
thatone Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I've been dating this guy for over a month now. I fell for him on our first date - he's told me he likes me too. We've met each others friends. I have a boardgames party this evening & he's invited. When I was confirming with him y'day he asked what my plans were y'day night. I told him I was out with the girls for Friday after work drinks. I asked him what he's upto - I didn't really want him over y'day - just wanted me me-time. Since he's been going through some tough times I took pity & invited him over for dinner. He agreed. So I rush home & get all dolled up, put the garlic bread in the oven - nothing. So after 30 mins I text him....again a bit later I send another text. A bit later I call him & leave a voice message. He's normally good at texting back. He rings me back & by then I had downed a bottle of wine out of frustration. He apologizes & tells me he's in afar away suburb & had 'lost track of time' - I was livid!! I told him I couldn't believe I left the girls early only to be stood up. He has never done this before & in fact arrives before time for dates. I tell him to come over but he says he has no transport. So he tells me he'll see me today. 'oh so he'll turn up as & when he wants' I thought. Infuriated I hung up. I texted him & asked him how he could make arrangements with me & then not show up. Anyway we exchanged a spate of texts where I even said 'enjoy with your girlfriend' & he told me he's with his male friend, who I've met, & there wasn't anything 'sinister' to his no show. I was so furious that I gave him an ultimatum (and I know that's not done but I was terribly upset my Friday was going down the gurgler) - 'you either turn up or no need to bother with tomorrow'. He texted back to tell me he didn't appreciate it & that it's upto me if I wanted him over today. What the hell!! So he's obliging me by turning up today? I texted him later & said I knew where I stood & it's upto him to attend today - no red carpet for him since he's like any other friend. Yes I was being nasty cos I was hurting. I also wanted him to realise he's not so important that I have to treat him special. Am really upset I've never been stood up before so this hurts. Also the unpleasant tiff has left a bad taste in my mouth. How I spent the night only I know. Am going overseas in less than 3 weeks so I want to spend as much time as I can with him - Friday would have been perfect...leading into Saturday. So my questions are: (a) will he turn up or have I blown it? (b) if he turns up how do I behave - am angry with him & I certainly don't know if I should treat him as merely a friend - all my friends know our status. © we haven't had the exclusivity chat yet - am I expecting too much? (d) how do I nicely tell him - if he turns up - that I am very hurt? Thanx in advance! you sum up what i've posted in a few other threads perfectly. if you're so anxious to spend time with before leaving the country in three weeks why did you plan this friday without him? if you feel a need to make him feel unimportant why are you so upset that he did the same thing to you? i'd bet money that you have done the same thing to him that he did to you and this was his revenge. you're right, he's not so important that you have to treat him special. he's just an accessory like your favorite purse or shoes that you can have around when you want and toss aside when you don't. and you know what? since you treat him like that he treated you the same way.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Ja123 - yes it is very young & we have been carried away with each other & the chemistry we felt from first sight. As I mentioned before I normally take 2/3 months to even start thinking of someone romantically. When we met we knew nothing about each other...nothing. We didn't know who we were expecting - it was an absolute blind date he had set up. And since then he has told me that we've done the right thing by moving at the pace we have. Anyway he didn't show & didn't contact me either. I do feel sad but as you say I've got to focus on myself & I will. I have a lot to do & though my mind will be distracted I'll have to get on with the tasks. The ball's in his court. The job situation is not helping - I've had a very traumatic breakup over a year back when my then bf lost his job, got depressed & broke up with me this is deja vu this is the first time I've given this guy any reason to be angry at me - he's given me the biggest compliment - that I am a very nice person. Normally ppl talk of my looks, career etc - but for him to focus on what's inside & not treat me as a trophy is so great. Am only human - not that that's an excuse for being mean - just saying. Do you think he's bolted? Or is this his way of punishing or testing me? Before anyone says this - I do have an ego & am not being a doormat to ask this question. I do like him - maybe even love him a wee bit. I have a wonderful career, 2 houses, have a budding art career too & a hectic social life with a lot of variety - so am not just hanging on to him for a life. Neal - I don't do revenge & have never treated him this way. So you are wrong! And as for planning my Friday out without him - we had planned Saturday in any case & I didn't want to dominate his time when he's desperately job searching - he knows that. When he insinuated he wanted to spend time on Friday I of course made time for him. He's not an accessory to me - so once more you are wrong! But thanx for your input.
cereza Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I have a similar experience. He forgot and left me waiting until I text him and he was like " oh I forgot to tell u I can't go today" so I know how u felt. It was horrible and I was so mad but then I decided to invite someone else and I told him about it. I was like " oh okay, I'll invite someone else" (a guy friend). Anyways..I think that you shouldn't have told him all that because guys hate it when women get like that. You should make it seem like is no big deal and that you have more plans. I don't know how to explain it better.. like he is not that important to you and you have more options. When you feel really mad just don't text or call him. Go take a nap. Is better if you talk with him when all the emotions of the moment have passed.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I agree I shouldn't have been snappy. I was so hungry by that time since I was waiting to have dinner with him - the garlic bread ready to go in the oven - that the wine went straight to my head. I do have a temper - it doesn't normally flare up but when it does I wouldn't be in front of me. Normally people know they should leave me alone in those 5 mins. I was so disappointed that he'd been building upto the weekend with sexy texts & calling me 'princess' and then he doesn't show. Now he hasn't shown up the 2nd evening in a row. And he hasn't replied. Maybe he's licking his wounds, maybe he has bolted. But am glad he's seen my temper - somewhere it would have flared up & caught him by surprise. Am a feisty person - maybe the painter in me - I feel things with an intensity that might frighten some - but that's me & I'd rather feel than be cold. I know he feels more than other men I have come across, I know he's feeling miserable about his jobless situation (it shows in his drinking & demeanor) & I know that he needs his space. Accepted & noted down. I need reliability & I need him to respect me by responding. When I had taken almost 9 hrs to respond to his text around 4/5 days back - he couldn't tolerate that & texted me 'are you not talking to me anymore?'. I responded immediately. So how can he treat me this way by making me wait for 2 days to respond back? Oh yes I've hurt me after he hurt me & I've profusely apologized & taken ownership of my actions. I've deleted his number & my defense mechanism has kicked in. As I said before I helped him land an interview on Tuesday. If he gets the job, I still don't want any thanks from him cos I want actions from him. If he does care for me & like me & still wants to be with me, he'll make the effort. In my heart I know he will contact me - as to whether by then I have pulled away & moved on is another question. The silent treatment won't work on me.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 Just an update all - He just texted me and told me he's been suffering from gastro the entire time. So I texted him back and told him to get well soon - to have heaps of water and rest up. To that he responded and asked me if I am STILL pissed off with him. I told him my anger had dissipated by Saturday - that I don't stay angry for long and that I knew I was wrong in reacting the way I did and hence the sincere apology. I told him I am hurt though by the silent treatment. He has responded telling me that 'silent treatment couldn't be avoided' because he was sick and that he will make it upto me. Gosh!! What do I do with this man.....he is so difficult to read!!
TuffCookieX Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Just an update all - He just texted me and told me he's been suffering from gastro the entire time. So I texted him back and told him to get well soon - to have heaps of water and rest up. To that he responded and asked me if I am STILL pissed off with him. I told him my anger had dissipated by Saturday - that I don't stay angry for long and that I knew I was wrong in reacting the way I did and hence the sincere apology. I told him I am hurt though by the silent treatment. He has responded telling me that 'silent treatment couldn't be avoided' because he was sick and that he will make it upto me. Gosh!! What do I do with this man.....he is so difficult to read!! He could be ****ting out of his mouth, he should still have the decency to send you a quick text to let you know that he was physically sick. You were right to apologize and then drop it, but if wants to "make it up to you" then he has some SERIOUS sucking up to do. I agree with the poster who said you should spend more "you" time, if he wants to come back into your life, let him do it himself. Don't reach out to him or make plans, let him come to you. If you're leaving for 3 weeks, that's his loss he didn't come around.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 *Hahaha yes I said the same thing - 'must be gastro of the mind'. I do have my suspicions.....gastro is gastro...yes painful but really to drop a text and let me know would have been the thing to do. I will be having a conversation with him the next time we meet about this. I am not putting up with this again...especially if it follows a tiff. Thanks...I will be taking it slow and in fact am leaning back and allowing him to take the initiative. I have put in a bit and am not going to give any more. He is jobless - yes - but that's his issue. I will not be bending over backwards to feed him or take care of him. I have myself to look after too. I am also not changing my plans or forgoing my me-time for him. With every small slip up he's making me stronger actually and the rose coloured glasses are coming off. However, I still believe in him and will observe closely...!! Glad my trip is only 2 weeks away - that will help me heaps to decide what I want out of this. I'll be away for 2 months actually so plenty of time to think about this. And since we haven't discussed exclusivity, I've been dating another guy (dinners only) at the same time. I've known him for a while and we get along well. He wants to meet this week and I will. Am not putting my eggs in one basket though my heart is set on this one. If my experiences has taught me anything it's not to get exclusive till the guy asks for the commitment...!!
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