no expectations Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I have been told recently that I am involved with someone who is a master at compartmentalizing. He himself has said this as well as those around him. He says it as if its an accomplishment and a strong quality...those around him say it as if its a character flaw and harmful to his relationships. It feels like he's "putting me out of his mind" at different times. Almost as if he has the mind power to forget I exist. My questions are... do you think compartmentalizing is real? is it a control tactic? is it gender specific? can it be learned? The more I've thought about it, the more I find myself wishing I could compartmentalize and take a break from my own thoughts.
Severely Unamused Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) do you think compartmentalizing is real? I think so. is it a control tactic? It can be. is it gender specific? Nope. can it be learned? Probably, though I don't know how.Is compartmentalising a good thing? A good question. Personally, I find compartmentalisation to be easy enough to accomplish. I would say that it allows me to focus on specific tasks with greater clarity and drive, than doing things "normally". It has also allowed me to commit...certain deeds that I didn't think that I would be comfortable doing (my very first post is a good example). So it does make aspects of my life easier. But is it neccessarily healthy behaviour? No, I don't think so. Compartmentalising did harm parts of my life in the past (let me put it to you this way: focus to hard on one spot, and you miss out on the bigger picture). And it has negatively affected some of my past relationships. I've learnt from my mistakes. It's a mixed bag IMO. Althought the people surrounding the "master of compartmentalising" are more likely to get hurt than the compartmentaliser themself. Edited August 19, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Crabbies Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I have been told recently that I am involved with someone who is a master at compartmentalizing. He himself has said this as well as those around him. He says it as if its an accomplishment and a strong quality...those around him say it as if its a character flaw and harmful to his relationships. It feels like he's "putting me out of his mind" at different times. Almost as if he has the mind power to forget I exist. My questions are... do you think compartmentalizing is real? is it a control tactic? is it gender specific? can it be learned? The more I've thought about it, the more I find myself wishing I could compartmentalize and take a break from my own thoughts. Who are those around him that view it as a bad thing? his boss co-workers or your friends, family? You see what I'm getting at? Most guys need to work, make a living...They need to concentrate on that; when they're at work... the ability to compartmentalise is a very positive one. Would you want him thinking about you if he''s a cop in a dangerous situation? Or giving 100% concentration to his job? If you are in a relationship with a guy smart enough to be able to do this, don't see it as a negative...Think of the benefits, he can focus 100% on you when he chooses to do so... Of course it's not gender specific, it's rational, just do it, concentrate and do it...
Severely Unamused Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) Two more things. focus too hard on one spot Spelling mistake was bugging me... The second thing is that compartmentalisation was learnt behaviour for me. So yes, you can learn it. How? By being able to focus, manipulate, and dismiss your thoughts with lots of practice, I guess. Edited August 19, 2011 by Severely Unamused
analystfromhell Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 the positives are the same as the negatives. Compartmentalization allows me to program for instance when there's lots of noise and commotion around- I can tune those out and get what I need to do (inanimate, rationale tasks) done despite my environment. Turned around though, I can also talk very rationally to someone I just had a HUGE argument with or vice versa, provide feedback to someone in the midst of a positive experience. To my mind, one does not detract or impact the other. True of course with rational experiences but 100% off-putting in social relationships. So the trick to my mind is being able to turn this compartmentalization on and off- to use the skill when it's a positive and avoid it in social or emotional situations. Yes, I can turn those emotions on and off but many others can't so in those circumstances it's better to use your compartmentalization skills to recognize the situation and compartmentalize your compartmentalization skills- put them in the cupboard for later and deal with people on a more continuous, holistic manner.
BeyondtheClouds Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) Compartmentalisation happens all the time. When you don't make an effort to introduce all your friends to all your friends, well, you're compartmentalising. There are good reasons for this. It might be that you have such diverse interests that it is clear that some of your friends aren't going to be the least interested in the others, so why bother. Don't waste other people's times. There are many ways to compartmentalise and they can be for the good. People going through a divorce or other personal tragedy will need to compartmentalise in order to continue to do well at work. So, please let's take the negativity out of the concept of "compartmentalisation." Edited August 20, 2011 by BeyondtheClouds
StoneCold Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) So yes, you can learn it. How? By being able to focus, manipulate, and dismiss your thoughts with lots of practice, I guess. Perhaps for yourself but I found that being able to put things into perspective is much more effective when compartmentalizing as you never lose site of the big picture while you put things "in their place". IMHO If you over focus, dismiss and manipulate your thoughts thats not compartmentalizing...thats denial But to answer the OP's question... is compartmentalizing things good? Its bloody fantastic...you think clearer... your thoughts arent jumbled... Edited August 20, 2011 by StoneCold
Author no expectations Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Perhaps for yourself but I found that being able to put things into perspective is much more effective when compartmentalizing as you never lose site of the big picture while you put things "in their place". IMHO If you over focus, dismiss and manipulate your thoughts thats not compartmentalizing...thats denial But to answer the OP's question... is compartmentalizing things good? Its bloody fantastic...you think clearer... your thoughts arent jumbled... This is exactly what I have come down to... wish I could take a class on it. Many things would be so much easier. I also suspect it has to do with gender...this female (only speaking for myself here) tends to ruminate on things constantly...what does this mean, that mean...every nuance. It would be "bloody fantastic" to put a stop to that somehow. I also think that's part of why I'm so attracted to him. It's very love/hate...I envy his ability to compartmentalize me but I hate how it sometimes feels. Very frustrating.
Author no expectations Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Compartmentalisation happens all the time. When you don't make an effort to introduce all your friends to all your friends, well, you're compartmentalising. There are good reasons for this. It might be that you have such diverse interests that it is clear that some of your friends aren't going to be the least interested in the others, so why bother. Don't waste other people's times. There are many ways to compartmentalise and they can be for the good. People going through a divorce or other personal tragedy will need to compartmentalise in order to continue to do well at work. So, please let's take the negativity out of the concept of "compartmentalisation." Not trying to be negative at all...I can see where this would be an excellent coping mechanism and very positive in some ways.
Author no expectations Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 the positives are the same as the negatives. Compartmentalization allows me to program for instance when there's lots of noise and commotion around- I can tune those out and get what I need to do (inanimate, rationale tasks) done despite my environment. Turned around though, I can also talk very rationally to someone I just had a HUGE argument with or vice versa, provide feedback to someone in the midst of a positive experience. To my mind, one does not detract or impact the other. True of course with rational experiences but 100% off-putting in social relationships. So the trick to my mind is being able to turn this compartmentalization on and off- to use the skill when it's a positive and avoid it in social or emotional situations. Yes, I can turn those emotions on and off but many others can't so in those circumstances it's better to use your compartmentalization skills to recognize the situation and compartmentalize your compartmentalization skills- put them in the cupboard for later and deal with people on a more continuous, holistic manner. It does seem to be a skill for sure. I'm finding that in emotional settings it can come across as "having all the power" even if that person doesn't. I need to toughen up I think.
xxoo Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I also suspect it has to do with gender...this female (only speaking for myself here) tends to ruminate on things constantly...what does this mean, that mean...every nuance. It would be "bloody fantastic" to put a stop to that somehow. I think of this being 100% present, rather than of divided attention....and I do think this ability is a very good thing. Children are great at this, and also great teachers of this skill (demand 100% presence in the moment). When am spending 1:1 time with my H, or one of my children, I force myself to push competing thoughts out. I can do this by "scheduling" a time to think about that other thing, and then shifting my thoughts back to the present. It helps me relax if I know there is a planned time to think about that issue. It feels like he's "putting me out of his mind" at different times. Almost as if he has the mind power to forget I exist. This could be a problem, depending on the motivation. Is he using compartmentalization to excuse bad behavior? Or is he using it so that he can focus on other important things in his life?
Author no expectations Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Aren't you speaking of a mm having an affair being able to compartmentalize? If so, that's a different thing that work situations or other common scenarios. No BB07, I am not speaking of a mm having an affair being able to compartmentalize. Are you?
Author no expectations Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I think of this being 100% present, rather than of divided attention....and I do think this ability is a very good thing. Children are great at this, and also great teachers of this skill (demand 100% presence in the moment). When am spending 1:1 time with my H, or one of my children, I force myself to push competing thoughts out. I can do this by "scheduling" a time to think about that other thing, and then shifting my thoughts back to the present. It helps me relax if I know there is a planned time to think about that issue. This could be a problem, depending on the motivation. Is he using compartmentalization to excuse bad behavior? Or is he using it so that he can focus on other important things in his life? Thanks xxoo...I don't think his motivation is to excuse bad behavior but I admit that is what is prompting the question. It would serve me well to just let it be. It could honestly be that he is able to focus the way you described with your H and children. I know my own child would appreciate that. I need to work on that.
Recommended Posts