Man blames me for sex!!!

[ja123]

I'm early 40's and didn't see anyone for the last 2 years. I met a man online and we both had to leave for the summer for professional reasons. We stayed in touch through email and phone for 2 1/2 months (writing and talking with such care and tenderness).

 

We met last week - we had so much chemistry - he thought I was so beautiful etc. Anyhow we decided to go away together for a couple of days. I told him that he shouldn't expect anything as it's been 2 years since I decided to practice celibacy. He said, "not a problem." Anyhow, there was a king size bed and he crawled in next to me, then removed his underwear (I was in my nightie) because he said he always sleeps like that. In spite of practicing celibacy, I really liked him and was open to more so I didn't feel alarmed. Then he proceeded to spoon me and touch my arms, face and hips so lovingly. Well, something in me ignited and I turned to him and kissed him, he kissed me back and one thing led to another.

 

>>>>>>>>> Skip forward to the next morning and he's blaming me that we had sex saying that it was too soon, etc. (To quote him he said, "You can't just do that!") I said yes, it's true it's soon; however, it's not like we just met off the street that very day - we'd been corresponding, talking on the phone and thinking/dreaming of the other. He said true, but there's more to talk about concerning how things would work between us and that it was too soon. I said so now that we've come that far it's not like we can undo it. He nodded. >>>>>>>>> We decided to continue spending the day together doing some sports like we intended. And during the day he said how making love to me was wonderful, etc. But by now there was ice between us.

 

>>>>>>>>> Intellectually, I realize this man has 'issues' with love and intimacy, and I realize this belongs to him and not to me. However, it has really shaken me up emotionally. It's really done my head in! So I'm looking for some support in general. He left for work again and it seems like he won't contact me when he comes back ... and I'm not going to contact him. But I can't help but feel confused, sad, and angry by this. For someone who is new to the dating scene after a very LTR this isn't very good for my self-confidence and I'm feeling so hurt and mourning the loss of a dream.

 

>>>>>> Your kind words and even platitudes about keeping the faith and to try dating again are very welcome. Thank you!!!!!

[thatone]

a) you aren't going to find a man telling them you've decided to be celibate. if you want celibacy, join a convent.

 

b) he's certifiably insane.

[Cracker Jack]

He pushed for sex, then complained about it the next day? Sounds like a weirdo.

 

Hopefully you'll move on.

[ja123]

Thank you for your replies.

 

In short, this man obviously has issues ... and I don't want to bear the brunt of his toxic behaviour, so for me it's over.

 

I think what's doing my head in are the mixed messages he gave me - he even wanted to spend time with me to do sports the day after when I told him I was thinking of just leaving. Anyhow, I thought since we came all that way, then I'd try to have a nice day. I think I was subconsciously giving him another chance and hoping that things would smooth out.

 

How do another people (you who's reading this) deal with people who give you mixed messages?

[ja123]

a) you aren't going to find a man telling them you've decided to be celibate. if you want celibacy, join a convent.

 

b) he's certifiably insane.

 

Neal - I know I don't wish to be celibate anymore. I did it so that I could deal with the loss of a marriage (I was the one who left.) It was just something I mentioned to him.

 

But what I'd like to know, Neal or anyone else reading this, is how a woman who's decided to abstain from sex so she can grow personally and figure out what went wrong with the last relationship so that she's fully available for a new one is a bad thing in a man's eyes? Surely, some men must think that it's a mature thing to do, no? (I'm attractive and have no shortage of offers, but I just wanted to do my inner-housecleaning before embarking on the dating scene again.)

 

I will consider not mentioning the celibacy next time on a date, of course (because it sure must sound weird in this day and age) - however since we were going away together I didn't want him to assume he was going to get a homerun, as I honestly didn't know if I wanted to move that quickly. I obviously did though when the time came (and have no regrets, except for his weird behaviour). Basically I wanted to go at my pace and not feel forced. Now, he's turned the tables and made it sound as though I'm the wild sexual aggressor - when it took two to tango!

[serial muse]

I'm a little confused...you said "it seems like he won't contact me again". Is that what he said? What do you mean by "it seems"?

 

I guess I'm having trouble in general sorting out what he actually said from what you interpreted him to mean.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, just that I'm not sure things are as bad as you think with this guy. Unless there's more that we just don't know?

 

For example, you said "he's blaming me that we had sex saying that it was too soon"

 

Clearly he said "it's too soon" and clearly he said "you can't just do that", and clearly, he's an idiot for saying both of those things.

 

But...how do you know he was blaming you? By "you can't just do that," what was he referring to - you turning over and kissing him, or "you" as a general "you" having sex on a first date? (Which also would mean he's blaming himself)

 

I don't know...please don't take this the wrong way, because I agree that this guy has issues. Ideally, he would have just appreciated that you guys have a strong connection, and gone with it without second-guessing it all. So I don't think you need to do anything differently here. You'll find someone - clearly, you are attractive and fun, and this guy responded to that.

 

But it does seem like you're very anxious, after a long hiatus, and that perhaps inclines you to internalize what he said as more of a criticism of you than it necessarily is.

 

But I also could see that I might be missing something here...

[sm1tten]

I generally tend to take mixed messages negatively.

 

However, I think you were the one who sent the mixed messages. You can't say that you're celibate, then sleep with someone, and expect them not to be a little shocked by that. Celibacy is a serious choice, and the fact that you broke with your practice so easily -- I can see how that would be off-putting to someone. It was not right for him to blame you, especially since he knew damn well what he was doing by getting in the bed naked and touching you, and it's unfortunate that he had to ruin the moment. But if it was too soon, it was too soon.

 

To me, it sounded like you slept together, he felt like the two of you were moving too fast (and blamed you, it seems?), you became upset and wanted to leave, he asked you to stay, you spent the day together, but the magic had been shattered. It doesn't sound like there was any discussion of how to pull back from the intimacy to allow the relationship to grow at a more comfortable pace, and that's also unfortunate, but it's the risk we take.

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't think you need advice. What you need is a bone crunching hug. And then another one. You had an unfortunate brush with a complicated guy. We're not all like that. *hugs* *hugs again*

[thatone]

Neal - I know I don't wish to be celibate anymore. I did it so that I could deal with the loss of a marriage (I was the one who left.) It was just something I mentioned to him.

 

But what I'd like to know, Neal or anyone else reading this, is how a woman who's decided to abstain from sex so she can grow personally and figure out what went wrong with the last relationship so that she's fully available for a new one is a bad thing in a man's eyes? Surely, some men must think that it's a mature thing to do, no? (I'm attractive and have no shortage of offers, but I just wanted to do my inner-housecleaning before embarking on the dating scene again.)

 

I will consider not mentioning the celibacy next time on a date, of course (because it sure must sound weird in this day and age) - however since we were going away together I didn't want him to assume he was going to get a homerun, as I honestly didn't know if I wanted to move that quickly. I obviously did though when the time came (and have no regrets, except for his weird behaviour). Basically I wanted to go at my pace and not feel forced. Now, he's turned the tables and made it sound as though I'm the wild sexual aggressor - when it took two to tango!

 

the above doesn't denote celibate to me. yes, i agree, that being alone after a relationship ends rather than getting casual sex is absolutely healthy.

 

but 'celibate' to me is a very heartless and formal word. if you said the word celibate to me on a date i would assume you meant you were abstaining from sex permanently. i mean, it's a latin word from the middle ages, lol.

 

there's nothing wrong with putting sex off for a certain length of time when you're dating someone but celibate is a terrible word to use.

Edited August 19, 2011 by thatone

[ja123]

I'm a little confused...you said "it seems like he won't contact me again". Is that what he said? What do you mean by "it seems"?

 

I guess I'm having trouble in general sorting out what he actually said from what you interpreted him to mean.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, just that I'm not sure things are as bad as you think with this guy. Unless there's more that we just don't know?

 

For example, you said "he's blaming me that we had sex saying that it was too soon"

 

Clearly he said "it's too soon" and clearly he said "you can't just do that", and clearly, he's an idiot for saying both of those things.

 

But...how do you know he was blaming you? By "you can't just do that," what was he referring to - you turning over and kissing him, or "you" as a general "you" having sex on a first date? (Which also would mean he's blaming himself)

 

I don't know...please don't take this the wrong way, because I agree that this guy has issues. Ideally, he would have just appreciated that you guys have a strong connection, and gone with it without second-guessing it all. So I don't think you need to do anything differently here. You'll find someone - clearly, you are attractive and fun, and this guy responded to that.

 

But it does seem like you're very anxious, after a long hiatus, and that perhaps inclines you to internalize what he said as more of a criticism of you than it necessarily is.

 

But I also could see that I might be missing something here...

 

Serial muse - you raised some good questions and brought forth good comments. It's true - neither of us said we'd never contact the other. He said a piece of jewellry I forgot via bus as he was still in the country. He texted me to let me know it was on the way. I'd emailed him to say that I did enjoy spending time with him but given that he'll be away for work and I'm busy with work that I'd take a break from corroesponding. I wished him a good work trip and signed my name with an "xo" at the end. He wrote back to say thanks for the good wishes and for me to enjoy the rest of summer, and he signed his name without the "xo".

 

So, it's not 100% sure that he won't contact me, but that's the feeling I get. Of course, it could be my interpretation.

 

And YES "you can't just do that" could mean 'you' in general, or mean both of us, the full sentence was "you can't just do that [have sex so soon]. well, you can, I've done it."

 

It's true, I think I'm feeling very anxious about this because I'm new on the dating scene and I might be jumping to conclusions based on my anxiety.

 

However, I still feel confused by his mixed messages.

[serial muse]

Serial muse - you raised some good questions and brought forth good comments. It's true - neither of us said we'd never contact the other. He said a piece of jewellry I forgot via bus as he was still in the country. He texted me to let me know it was on the way. I'd emailed him to say that I did enjoy spending time with him but given that he'll be away for work and I'm busy with work that I'd take a break from corroesponding. I wished him a good work trip and signed my name with an "xo" at the end. He wrote back to say thanks for the good wishes and for me to enjoy the rest of summer, and he signed his name without the "xo".

 

So, it's not 100% sure that he won't contact me, but that's the feeling I get. Of course, it could be my interpretation.

 

And YES "you can't just do that" could mean 'you' in general, or mean both of us, the full sentence was "you can't just do that [have sex so soon]. well, you can, I've done it."

 

It's true, I think I'm feeling very anxious about this because I'm new on the dating scene and I might be jumping to conclusions based on my anxiety.

 

However, I still feel confused by his mixed messages.

 

I understand...it sounds like he wasn't being very clear about what he wanted. I'm sorry that something nice turned into something annoying and complicated - but, looking on the bright side, I really do think you should focus on the fact that you got yourself back out there, and that you found a connection. And, I'm sure you'll do it again - but this time with someone less flighty. Please don't let this derail you too much emotionally.

 

BTW, I have to agree with thatone that the word "celibate" sounds rather cold and kind of permanent, somehow. I think you could just tell people that you like to take things slow - IMO that's a reliable euphemism for holding off on sex until you feel more comfortable with a person.

[ja123]

I generally tend to take mixed messages negatively.

 

However, I think you were the one who sent the mixed messages. You can't say that you're celibate, then sleep with someone, and expect them not to be a little shocked by that. Celibacy is a serious choice, and the fact that you broke with your practice so easily -- I can see how that would be off-putting to someone. It was not right for him to blame you, especially since he knew damn well what he was doing by getting in the bed naked and touching you, and it's unfortunate that he had to ruin the moment. But if it was too soon, it was too soon.

 

To me, it sounded like you slept together, he felt like the two of you were moving too fast (and blamed you, it seems?), you became upset and wanted to leave, he asked you to stay, you spent the day together, but the magic had been shattered. It doesn't sound like there was any discussion of how to pull back from the intimacy to allow the relationship to grow at a more comfortable pace, and that's also unfortunate, but it's the risk we take.

 

Thank you sm1tten - it's true I'm interpreting things negatively .... His reaction to this has freaked me out .... Considering he did crawl into bed naked and started to touch me. I clearly thought he wanted me, and he DID, but then had his own regrets the next day, even though he said it was wonderful.

 

And you may have a point about saying I've been practicing celibacy, then I go and sleep with him. But the emphasis was on "have been" not that I'm going to continue practising celibacy. May if I had been dating, he'd have found less pressure - maybe in his mind it was like, "this chick just broke her celibacy for me, now she wants a committment." I don't know what he thought.

 

 

And it's true we didn't talk or communicate about what we could do to pull back from the intimacy and just see if we can take it slowly. We didn't talk. It was so very awkward - I had no idea what to say - largely because I had so many diferent feeling that I was feeling overwhelmed by them, so I didn't want to try to talk when I was feeling nothing but an emtional stew.

 

Communication can be really tough sometimes, eh?

[Tybalt]

I've been out of my marriage for 3 years now, with no serious relationship since. I too have a tendency to get analytical and anxious about my dating situations, especially when there is some sort of physical involvement. It is so easy to get caught up in dissecting what he said or didn't say, I should know!

 

In dating, if I express myself calmly and clearly and I get a mixed message back, then I don't want to waste my time and figure I will invest some attention to the person if/when they do get clear about what they want - that is if I'm still interested. However, it sounds like there may have been some confusion in communication on your end with the celibacy concept. Perhaps saying something along the lines of, like another poster suggested, you like to take things slow, and/or that you've taken a break to get yourself to a good place on your own, would clarify the matter. I do find his behavior very strange.

 

There are some very confusing people out there. I'm doing my best to simplify it down to the basics. If I'm clear on what I want and who I am, and he likes me and wants to spend time with me, great. If he doesn't, I try to imagine I'm one step closer to the right relationship and move on. Easier said than done of course.

[Cypress25]

And you may have a point about saying I've been practicing celibacy, then I go and sleep with him. But the emphasis was on "have been" not that I'm going to continue practising celibacy.

 

A better way to say this would be "I got divorced two years ago and I haven't had sex since the divorce." Celibacy sounds very serious and permanent. And the way you phrased it, in the present perfect tense, makes it sound like it's still going on.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I was voluntarily celibate after my divorce for some time, so I completely understand. That was 12 years ago though... I chose to 'break' my celibacy for the man I'd eventually become engaged to who unfortunately died suddenly 5 years ago. But enough about me. I wanted to tell you this so you understand I know where you are coming from.

 

Since that time, I had the opportunity to date men who wanted to place the responsibility for the pace of a relationship all on me.

 

I kindly tell them...

 

"Last time I checked, that penis was attached to YOUR body, not mine. What you decide to do with it is your responsibility."

[Hot Chick]

So you two met for the first time and shared a hotel room and king-sized bed, with the expectation that there would be no sex? I assume a condom was not used, in that case....get tested for STDs immediately. This guy is a total weirdo.

[ascendotum]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you having sex, but I also I tend to agree with what sm1tten said. You should have not let him get in bed naked if you were serious. I need to be totally naked to sleep is BS.

I guess he wanted you to put up more of a fight to resist him, maybe he wanted to hear 'I'm not that type of woman, buuuut you are irresistible.. weeelll, I don't normally do this so early on, buuut okay just this once' line.

 

I really thought you should have got angry with him when he blamed you for the sex the next morning. This guy could really have issues over wanting to get a woman in bed quick but then judging them harshly for it... or he may be an under the radar player. Charm woman online, meet, have sex asap, straight after go weird/show an ugly side to his personality, have woman freak out & call it quits, go back online, repeat.

 

Hard to say from what you wrote who is distancing from this relationship more. I don’t see why you can’t stay in touch. Does he regularly go overseas for months at a time? If you think he is genuine guy and he’s got over that night, then stay in touch.

 

 

 

TAL - What does mean...'"Last time I checked, that penis was attached to YOUR body, not mine. What you decide to do with it is your responsibility."

Does this mean you prefer the man to not just go with the flow, by letting you indicate in the early stages when you are comfortable to sleep with him, but rather for him to be more proactive in getting you back to his bed?

[Pierre]

You said not to expect anything.

 

However, you climbed in bed with him while he was naked.

 

Apparently, he didn't want sex either, but took his underwear off to spoon you.

 

Both of you were acting like wanting sex, but were saying no sex in prior conversations.

 

In any event this guy has issues. I understand not having sex right away to avoid all this awkward moments. In fact I tend to favor that strategy while dating.

 

I suspect he was giving you the"keeper" test.

 

If you had resisted his nakedness in bed and not have sex he would have considered you a keeper.

[musemaj11]

You turned and kissed him, so its your fault.

[philipjohn]

Femeale persons Use The Generic Lovegra for increasing time.

[Andy_K]

Any guy who judges you for having sex with him is not worth dating. There's something very self-loathing and insecure about that attitude.

 

Go find a real man instead.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I realize this man has 'issues' with love and intimacy, and I realize this belongs to him and not to me.

 

I simply suggest boosting your previous assessment this way by a significant amount.

 

At the risk of trotting near to a double standard, I still say that what HE did was far over a line which should cheerfully allow a woman to wear just about anything and still be honored when she says "no".

 

In your case, it really isn't as much about whether or not the two of you did or didn't have sex... but the problem is his completely absurd reactions to it the next day.

 

Turn and run...

[ja123]

I simply suggest boosting your previous assessment this way by a significant amount.

 

At the risk of trotting near to a double standard, I still say that what HE did was far over a line which should cheerfully allow a woman to wear just about anything and still be honored when she says "no".

 

In your case, it really isn't as much about whether or not the two of you did or didn't have sex... but the problem is his completely absurd reactions to it the next day.

 

Turn and run...

 

 

Thank you so much!

 

Yes, for me it's not the fact that we had sex (albeit too early perhaps), it was his reaction to it the next day. It made me feel quite lousy - it has played with my mind somehow - like a hit-and-run. I'm doing my best to occupy myself with positive activities, but it is a challenge to not contact him. This man isn't very good with his emotions or communicating, and now the damage has been done so it's not worth it for me to bother. I feel if I did contact him, it would only prolong an inevitable end. And I don't honestly think I'm going to get any clarity for what happened on his end as I am certain he doesn't know himself. He just flip-flopped too many times in such a short period of time.

 

Ripping a bandaid off hurts, as is said, but it's better done quickly rather than slowly.

[D-Lish]

What a jackass.

 

Here is how I see what might have happened. Men have certain notions (and hang ups) with women and their sexuality. I think he absolutely wanted to have sex with you that night, and then, after it happened, it ruined his pre-concieved notion of you being that "good girl"...

 

In your situation it was almost like some warped "test". He crawls into bed NAKED with you and spoons you... You got aroused like most sexually healthy people would after establishing a connection over an extended period of time. After the sex happened he became disappointed that you didn't refute his advances. (Major issues as far as I am concerned- on his part).

 

I went through something similar. I met someone online and we developed a relationship over skpe, phone calls, etc for 4 months. I finally flew out to visit him and we had 3 days to spend together. The first night we connected IRL as much as we had before- and we ended up fooling around. We didn't have sex, but we both orgasmed. He initiated it- and I felt it so I went with it. We had sex on the last night... He became cold with me after and told me he was disappointed in me that I didn't "hold out" longer... What can you do about someone that feels like that?

 

I don't make a habit of getting hot and heavy with men I first meet- but these circumstances seemed different and I went with it. We continued to see one another for 4 more months flying back and forth, but I never abandoned that "idea" he planted that I was some kind of whore or something.

 

You're adults, you established a connection before meeting, and you both agreed to sex that he essentially initiated. Come on, he took his pants off and pressed against you naked... Then played innocent and blamed you for allowing things to happen too fast?

 

You have to know how ridiculous his actions and beliefs are...

Edited August 21, 2011 by D-Lish

[cupoftea]

Hi, I just want to commiserate with you about this issue. The same basic thing happened with me and this guy recently. He and I have been friends since 2008 (not extremely close friends, but friendly -- we were co-workers and classmates at a university from 2008 to this year, 2011; had plenty of friendly talks and chats over three years, though we didn't arrange to "hang out" until one occasion in December of last year). Furthermore, we had had some pretty serious talks about his previous relationship and my previous relationship; we bonded over how it was tough getting over them, etc.

 

Well, in May of this year, we kinda both were attracted to each other. After a dinner outing, then a movie outing, and then another movie outing, we had sex at his place. He didn't freak out "next morning," but after our next date (a coffee date), he said he didn't feel comfortable having sex with someone he barely knew. And I was all (in my mind): "You barely know me? I've known you for three years. We've talked about our personal relationships."

 

Granted, I knew we did have sex kind of quickly (counting from the point at which mutual attraction became obvious), but at the same time, it was like...you didn't just meet me a month ago. I'm not just some girl you saw at a bar two weeks ago and started dating. You know who I am. We've been at the same university for three years. We have a lot of the same acquaintances. You've been on my Facebook for two years. You KNOW me!

 

P.S. I want to at least mention, though, that in the case of me and the guy I was with, I initiated the sex. This is not to say he didn't want to have sex with me. He did (he'd even bought condoms). But i was the one who was more aggressive in getting us to the point of having sex. Still...I say...what the hell? We're both adults. We like each other. We know each other. Stop being so old-fashioned about women and sexuality. Jeez!

Edited August 21, 2011 by cupoftea