tetris24 Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Two weeks ago I asked out this girl who is a friend of mine. First, before I get into everything ya need to know the background. The girl(Tanya) is 23 and I am 21. She also has a sister(Rebecca) which I asked out on a date two years, but nothing happened it was just one date. I had a big crush on her sister, but after the date it went away. Tanya is also best friends with my best friends sister. So I ask out Tanya on date and she accepted. Then later that week she reschedule because of a girls night out. She is new to the area, so I figured she wanted to make some friends. Then the next week again she asks me if we could go to a community luau where a bunch of our friends were going to be. I said no and to not worry about the date, because it was kind of easy to tell she wasn't really into me. We're still friends, but she always text me first almost everyday of the week and she always invites me to do stuff. Asks me about girls I am dating and stuff. My question is how can I get out of the friends zone?
Pierre Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 With rare exceptions you cannot get out of FZ. She has no sexual feelings for you and it probably took her 2 secs to reach that conclusion the day she met you.
LittleTiger Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 With rare exceptions you cannot get out of FZ. She has no sexual feelings for you and it probably took her 2 secs to reach that conclusion the day she met you. This......and I'm female.
LittleTiger Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 That is so true. How does that even work? How can they come to a conclusion so fast? Not 'they', 'we'. Both men and women decide within seconds of meeting someone of the opposite sex (or of the sex they are attracted to) whether or not they are suitable 'sex=partner' material. It's biological - nothing you can do about it.
Easyguy14 Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Not 'they', 'we'. Both men and women decide within seconds of meeting someone of the opposite sex (or of the sex they are attracted to) whether or not they are suitable 'sex=partner' material. It's biological - nothing you can do about it. this is not always true. I've seen it where a man that was not a woman's type initially grew on her and became a steady boyfriend. I myself have as well grown on a few women over the years where they didn't care for me in the beginning stages. I think it comes down to a little persistence op to get a woman interested & a jump in confidence.
LittleTiger Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 this is not always true. I've seen it where a man that was not a woman's type initially grew on her and became a steady boyfriend. I myself have as well grown on a few women over the years where they didn't care for me in the beginning stages. I think it comes down to a little persistence op to get a woman interested & a jump in confidence. ........and how many of these 'few' women are you still in a relationship with? My guess is none - because they weren't sexually attracted to you in the first place. Woman will often start relationships with men who are their 'friends' because it's nice to be desired and adored by someone and because they happen to 'like' the man a lot and benefit in other ways from the relationship - even if they're not physically attracted to him. You're still in the friend zone - it's just that the woman has decided to 'ignore' the lack of physical attraction in favour of other types of attraction - intellectual, emotional etc. Check out the marriage and divorce sections of LS to see how many times women marry their 'best friend' only to find that some years later they're craving sexual attraction - happens all the time. My advice is, if a woman isn't into you straight away, find a different woman.
Pierre Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 this is not always true. I've seen it where a man that was not a woman's type initially grew on her and became a steady boyfriend. I myself have as well grown on a few women over the years where they didn't care for me in the beginning stages. I think it comes down to a little persistence op to get a woman interested & a jump in confidence. There are exceptions to the rule. Sometimes a woman overlooks something during her initial 2 sec evaluation:D. Sometimes some folks are borderline. I suspect those are the ones that have a chance to grow on her.
iJester Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Next time she tries to contact you, tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't want to hang out anymore unless she wants to try dating you. Say something like, "Tanya, I don't like being friends with people I'm interested in. I get that not everyone I like will be attracted to me, but being friends isn't what I want. If you change your mind, you've got my number, otherwise I don't think we should speak anymore." You could also just start ignoring her. In your situation I usually ignore until they come whining, "Are you mad at me?" or "What did I do :(". Then I say something along the lines of what I just told you to say. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. At no point, should you apologize for anything to her.
LittleTiger Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I always thought it was a little different for men and women. Obviously I can only speak for my experience but, here is my explanation. I rarely if ever reject a woman in the 1st couple of seconds. If I do then there is absolutely 0 physical attraction. For women it doesn't seem so clear cut. You do hear women say "I wasn't attracted to him at first but, now its different". Unfortunately the opposite is true as well, where a a man may meet a woman's requirements physically but, maybe he is "too nice" thus he automatically gets put in the friend zone. For women it seems like there is a little more than pure physical attraction. Am I wrong about this? You're absolutely right, there is a fundamental difference between attraction for men and women. Men are almost always attracted to a woman if they consider her good looking. It doesn't work that way for women. Some guys are very good looking but have zero sex appeal for a particular woman. Some guys are definitely not good looking but are 'hot' to a particular woman. There are physical and biological factors at play that determine the existence of sexual attraction but it's generally not about 'looks' for women - even when they think it is. It is, of course, possible in some cases for a woman to start feeling an attraction to someone she wasn't initially attracted to - because she notices how great he is with kids, or what a gentleman he is, or how he treats her like a princess and makes her feel special, or how he takes care of his sick mother etc BUT (and it's an important but) this attraction is not based on sex. She may develop feelings for the man which encourage emotional intimacy and which open her to the possibility of a sexual relationship BUT the raw passion isn't there. Occasionally relationships like this do work, sometimes for many years or even forever, especially if the woman has a low sex drive BUT don't be surprised if she turns around one day and says 'I was never physically attracted to you in the first place'.
carhill Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Welcome to LS, OP. Sounds like you've received some good advice. Your confusion appears to have resulted from the young lady directly accepting your clear request for a date. Evidently her brain and her loins weren't communicating for those two seconds. That's good information. A compatible and healthy woman won't experience that disconnect. Her loins will say 'friend' and her lips will say 'I don't feel *that* way about you'. No ambiguity. She's young. It'll get better. Date someone else.
OliveOyl Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) Not 'they', 'we'. Both men and women decide within seconds of meeting someone of the opposite sex (or of the sex they are attracted to) whether or not they are suitable 'sex=partner' material. It's biological - nothing you can do about it. It's not always true it's within seconds. For me about my BF, it happened on the second date. First "coffee" date I was busy trying to "process" who he was and everything because he was a bit different than I expected (from online dating). It wasn't exactly that he grew on me, it was just that I wasn't able to take it all in until the 2nd date during which he made a few physical advances. But then it (the attraction) happened all at once I completely agree with LittleTiger about it not being about looks. My BF is average to good-looking, but not universally "hot." I'm very very attracted to him but it's not because I think he's so "good-looking." Whereas my ex was "good-looking" but I wasn't nearly as attracted in a basic physical way. Edited August 19, 2011 by OliveOyl
LittleTiger Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 It's not always true it's within seconds. For me about my BF, it happened on the second date. First "coffee" date I was busy trying to "process" who he was and everything because he was a bit different than I expected (from online dating). It wasn't exactly that he grew on me, it was just that I wasn't able to take it all in until the 2nd date during which he made a few physical advances. But then it (the attraction) happened all at once I understand what you're saying OliveOyl. The thing is, if you had decided there was zero attraction (as ptp mentioned) on the first date, you wouldn't have agreed to go on a second date. We're often not even aware of an attraction until something (such as physical advances) brings it to our attention.
Author tetris24 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Yeah I understand. I figured she wasn't too into me, but I mean its just a date haha. The whole point is to just get to know someone better. I am just going to keep working on myself and she comes around great, if not then there are many fish in the sea.
grkBoy Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 My question is how can I get out of the friends zone? Either take advantage of her when she's drunk so she'll suddenly form an attachment OR Wait til some douchebag knocks her up and/or breaks her heart...and she feels like the men she really wants won't have her. Suddenly she'll run to you as a last resort/backup plan. I know this sounds negative, but life isn't a romance novel or chick flick. People don't just "come around" and suddenly fall madly in love with the friend they overlooked for years or suddenly commit to the girl they happily enjoyed "just sex" with. If you're in the FZ, then it says clearly she never considered you as "boyfriend potential", especially if she's seeking dating advice from you. She'll cry one night about how there's no decent men, but she'll never see you as the potential. Accept it...remain just a friend or cut her off 100%. Either way, move on and look for other women.
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