greenappleeyes Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) I've been seeing this guy for 6 months now. I have a 6 lb yorkie who I love to have sleep in the bed with me but my boyfriend won't have it! Occasionally he will give in (after lots of pushing from me) and let him sleep on a special blanket but that's it. He wants him to sleep in a cage or a bed on the floor. I have depression and nightmares and my dog has gotten me through a lot of hard times. I live separately from this guy so I offered to brush and bathe the dog thoroughly before I bring him over and then insist that he sleep on a blanket at the foot of the bed (so he can touch my leg, but not be up near our pillows). I've done research about pet dander (it's not the fur that causes allergies, it's a protein in the saliva and dead skin cells), but he still won't budge. This is an issue for me because I can't see marrying someone who will never let my tiny dog sleep on the bed with me. If it were a 70 lb dog, I would totally understand. My dog is very well-behaved, happy to share the bed with my guy, and will sleep at the foot of the bed or on my side on a special blanket if I tell him to. My boyfriend even has a HEPA filter in his bedroom.. but that's apparently not enough. He doesn't even have severe allergies. It's not like he breaks out into hives or anything. Occasionally he might be slightly sniffly in the morning, but I think that's because I haven't been diligently bathing the dog before I come over. (And anyway his apartment is dusty and even I get a sniffly nose and tickled throat sleeping there.) Instead of insisting that it's not as bad as he says, I usually just try to accommodate him somehow or refuse to come over. My family usually watches the dog for me but they're letting me live with them rent-free so I feel really guilty imposing. He's my dog and he should be able to go with me. If we were married, then I would definitely consider giving up my dog sleeping in my bed for the well-being of my husband. But I'm not ready to do that for a 6-month relationship that has had some serious ups and downs. Does that make sense? Am I just being selfish? I don't know what other ways I can compromise without flat-out doing what he wants. Edited August 19, 2011 by greenappleeyes
Memphis Raines Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 This is an issue for me because I can't see marrying someone who will never let my tiny dog sleep on the bed with me. then be prepared to marry someone that doesn't mind if you dont have sex alot. IMO, and from an article I read, pets in bed will help to kill a sex life. A past girlfriend insisted on having her dog in bed. Nothing kills the mood than when you are getting into it and in the dark all of a sudden you get a lick to the face, or a cold nose in your bunghole.
CeeJ Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Just because your bf's allergies don't seem to you to be that bad, doesn't mean that he's not miserable or being exposed to something he shouldn't. Being constantly exposed to something that makes you "a little sniffly in the morning" just in general makes you feel like crap, and causes sinus infections. Everyone feels differently about dogs. It seems to me that allowing the dog to sleep in the same room is a compromise on your bf's part, but maybe I misinterpreted your post. If you don't like it, maybe you should not spend the night at his house, until you feel that he is someone who is important enough to put his needs above your dog's.
sm1tten Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Hm. I personally think it's an imposition to take your dog to someone else's house to sleep in their bed, but maybe that's just me. I don't have allergies but this would make me uncomfortable, for some reason I can't put my finger on. I have a cat, who occasionally sleeps in the bed with me, but if my partner told me that he had a problem with it I wouldn't object to making my cat his own bed. (Of course, the cat is pretty much going to sleep wherever he wants, but I'd make the effort ) But to me, the fact that you've said this is an up-and-down relationship says much more than his willingness to tolerate your dog in the bed. If you don't feel strongly enough about the relationship to give up having the dog in your bed, then I don't see where else you can go with this, as clearly he has already compromised (in his view) as far as he's willing to. And, really, do you want to keep having this hassle over and over again?
sally4sara Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Someone with allergies told you they didn't want your dog sleeping in THEIR bed in THEIR home and this is a problem to you?
strawberryshortstack Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 If he were coming to your house and sleeping in YOUR bed, he would not have the right to ask what he's asking. But as you are going to HIS house and to HIS bed, he does have this right. Be happy that he lets you bring the dog at all, he doesn't even have to do that. I'm in a similar situation myself, and I don't bring my dog along with me. I make arrangements so that she is not alone, but don't force her on my boyfriend. If he's coming to my house, of course, that's a different story.
linwood Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Why do you take your dog to your boyfriends house to sleep over? An animal in bed with us is a deal breaker for me. I`m siding with your boyfriend.
Art_Critic Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 (edited) I'm siding with your BF.. I get the whole insecurity thing but you have your BF now and it is time to make the dog sleep in a crate or on a dog bed and your BF is allergic to dogs and doesn't want the trouble of the sniffles. By the way... does the dog ever pee in the bed or in the house ? You mention the size of the dog and it has always been my experience that small dogs have hard to break bathroom habits. The most house trained small dogs have caretakers that hover around them making sure they don't go somewhere. Edited August 20, 2011 by Art_Critic
Sooner or Later Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Your boyfriend has every right to not sleep with your dog in bed with you. Dealbreaker for me.
Cypress25 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 You bring your dog to your boyfriend's house and insist that he sleep in your boyfriend's bed, even though he's allergic to dogs? How selfish can you get? It's not your house, it's not your bed, and you're not the one with allergies. Leave the dog at home. Don't get me wrong, I love animals and my two cats often share the bed with me when I'm alone, but when my boyfriend sleeps over, the cats sleep somewhere else. He's not even allergic to cats, but you can't comfortably fit two people and two cats in my bed. When he's alone, he shares the bed with his two dogs. But when I sleep over at his place, the dogs sleep on the floor. I love his dogs but they're huge and they take up half the bed. I don't bring my cats over to his place, and he doesn't bring his dogs over to my place. Sorry to say it, but you're being unreasonable. Your boyfriend is dating you, not your dog. It sounds like your dog would do just fine if he didn't sleep with you; I think you're the one having separation anxiety. Eventually you're gonna have to learn how to sleep without your dog.
worlybear Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Me? I'd get rid of the boyfriend and keep the dog!
Feelin Frisky Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 If ever there were troll bait. Perhaps it's not but leading on a first post with something so apt to polarize people is troll behavior. How do you do...now, your boyfriend is 100% right and you are a selfish twit. Either your in a sexual relationship with you man or your dog. You choose. It seems you've made that choice by coming here and griping about it. It's a disgusting contention. The dog doesn't belong in bed when a man is occupying it with you. Grow up. PS: I won't be back to see who want to defend this. It's indefensible. Bye.
Author greenappleeyes Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I'm actually really sad about the lack of support on this forum... I was sexually assaulted a few years ago and my dog really helps me to feel more secure. He also breaks me out of the panic that I feel when I wake up from night terrors. My bf admitted that it's less about allergies and more about the fact that he feels my dog is a third wheel. He says that having another living creature in the room is distracting to him and it makes him feel like he's not spending one-on-one time with me (even though my dog is quiet and just lays there in my lap!). My bf has a low sex drive so I doubt it's that my dog is interfering with our love life and even if that were the case I've always been willing to put the dog in his cage if we get intimate. If we ever decided to take the next step in our relationship and move in together, I wouldn't be able to just pretend I don't have a dog and close him out of the room or let someone else watch him every time we hang out. My dog is part of my family. My bf doesn't ever try to hang out with him, so I feel like he's excluding an important member of my family. The reason I bring my dog over to my bf's apartment is because he says its okay (but he doesn't want him in the bed), and because I feel guilty for asking my parents to dog-sit all the time. My dog never pees, he doesn't bark or growl at my bf, and he's content to sleep at the foot of the bed. I only see my bf every few days and we can only sleep together at his place. As it is, I put up with being without my dog so I can sleep with my bf, but I never sleep well (I wake up several times each night, sleeping pills don't help) and my parents complain about having to watch my dog. I guess I'm just being selfish. I didn't come to this forum to insist that my feelings were right, that's why I asked. Maybe we're just not right for each other. Thanks for your (rather strong) opinions.
sm1tten Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 The additional context would have helped all of us, a lot.
Star Gazer Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I always let the doggie sleep in my bed. Always.
denise_xo Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 I'm actually really sad about the lack of support on this forum... I was sexually assaulted a few years ago and my dog really helps me to feel more secure. He also breaks me out of the panic that I feel when I wake up from night terrors. My bf admitted that it's less about allergies and more about the fact that he feels my dog is a third wheel. He says that having another living creature in the room is distracting to him and it makes him feel like he's not spending one-on-one time with me (even though my dog is quiet and just lays there in my lap!). My bf has a low sex drive so I doubt it's that my dog is interfering with our love life and even if that were the case I've always been willing to put the dog in his cage if we get intimate. If we ever decided to take the next step in our relationship and move in together, I wouldn't be able to just pretend I don't have a dog and close him out of the room or let someone else watch him every time we hang out. My dog is part of my family. My bf doesn't ever try to hang out with him, so I feel like he's excluding an important member of my family. The reason I bring my dog over to my bf's apartment is because he says its okay (but he doesn't want him in the bed), and because I feel guilty for asking my parents to dog-sit all the time. My dog never pees, he doesn't bark or growl at my bf, and he's content to sleep at the foot of the bed. I only see my bf every few days and we can only sleep together at his place. As it is, I put up with being without my dog so I can sleep with my bf, but I never sleep well (I wake up several times each night, sleeping pills don't help) and my parents complain about having to watch my dog. I guess I'm just being selfish. I didn't come to this forum to insist that my feelings were right, that's why I asked. Maybe we're just not right for each other. Thanks for your (rather strong) opinions. I agree with sm1tten that this really changes the context of the OP. It's not selfish to seek security and sleep. Personally, I would never share a bed (or a house) with an animal, and a partner who insisted on having a dog in the bed would be a clear deal breaker for me. Having said that, in your situation I see a particular rationale for your wish to do so which is a bit different from a more general 'I like to sleep with my dog' sentiment, and I can see the issue both from your side and from your bf's. My best suggestion would be to just discuss this openly with your boyfriend, along the lines of 'if we move together one day, how could we relate to the dog in a way that respects both points of view', and see where that leads you. This could perhaps include a dialogue about how your bf could, in a long term perspective, provide you with some of the security that your dog currently gives you. It doesn't seem like the division between the two of you on this issue is that far and I hope you work it out!
Author greenappleeyes Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Thanks for being more understanding guys. I guess I didn't want to get too personal by giving my reason for sleeping with the dog in the bed. I feel sort of embarrassed for feeling this way about a dog... it just really helps me to sleep. I think its that the dog can hear things that humans can't so I trust the dog more than my bf to "alert" me if someone's actually in the room? I don't know for sure. I don't know how to make my bf feel less like my dog is a third wheel. I try to include him in playing with my dog and I just sort of pet the dog while talking to my boyfriend and I try to make sure I'm looking at him and seeming interested. Could the dog just being in the room be that much of a distraction from our "us" time? Is that reasonable?
D-Lish Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 My 2 little Westies sleep in my bed every night, but they move around a lot. I'm used to it and it doesn't bother me, but it used to annoy my exbf a little as they'd try and share his pillow (or completely take over his pillow). I woke up one night and the poor guy was sleeping in this weird position because my dog had taken his pillow. I made them sleep on their own beds when he was over after that. I knew he was trying to be gracious but I recognized it annoyed him. I think you have to think of your bf first. I love my dogs like crazy- but it's not a big deal if they sleep in their dog beds 2 feet away from me if it makes my bf feel more comfortable.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) Thanks for being more understanding guys. I guess I didn't want to get too personal by giving my reason for sleeping with the dog in the bed. I feel sort of embarrassed for feeling this way about a dog... it just really helps me to sleep. I think its that the dog can hear things that humans can't so I trust the dog more than my bf to "alert" me if someone's actually in the room? I don't know for sure. I don't know how to make my bf feel less like my dog is a third wheel. I try to include him in playing with my dog and I just sort of pet the dog while talking to my boyfriend and I try to make sure I'm looking at him and seeming interested. Could the dog just being in the room be that much of a distraction from our "us" time? Is that reasonable? I think the bigger issue is that you seek security from your dog, as opposed to your bf who could actually do something about your security. At some point in your life, you will have to get over this insecurity of yours, you cant depend on the dog for the rest of your life for your mental well bieng. I would bet that your bf's low sex drive is in general because of your dog, because when youre SO dependent on a dog (when its really unnecessary really) its a complete turnoff. You want your bf to get it up better for you? Show him that you dont NEED the dog, and that he can be the one who takes care of your dependency needs, or even better, that you arent dependent. At some point in your life, unless you enjoy doing it, you have to give up hanging on to your fear. Edited August 25, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Author greenappleeyes Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 I think the bigger issue is that you seek security from your dog, as opposed to your bf who could actually do something about your security. At some point in your life, you will have to get over this insecurity of yours, you cant depend on the dog for the rest of your life for your mental well bieng. I would bet that your bf's low sex drive is in general because of your dog, because when youre SO dependent on a dog (when its really unnecessary really) its a complete turnoff. You want your bf to get it up better for you? Show him that you dont NEED the dog, and that he can be the one who takes care of your dependency needs, or even better, that you arent dependent. At some point in your life, unless you enjoy doing it, you have to give up hanging on to your fear. His low sex drive is definitely not because of the dog.... When the dog isnt even with us, he rarely flirts with me or comes on to me unless it's been a few days. We can shower together and I can change in front of him, and still nothing. He says he just has a low sex drive. I do want to stop being so dependent on my dog but I don't think I'm ready to do that unless the relationship feels like it's not going anywhere, you know? Otherwise I'm just leaning on someone who might not always be there. I do rely on him, just not for comforting me when I wake up in the middle of the night. It doesn't feel like something I can force, I think it has to happen naturally.
Author greenappleeyes Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) My 2 little Westies sleep in my bed every night, but they move around a lot. I'm used to it and it doesn't bother me, but it used to annoy my exbf a little as they'd try and share his pillow (or completely take over his pillow). I woke up one night and the poor guy was sleeping in this weird position because my dog had taken his pillow. I made them sleep on their own beds when he was over after that. I knew he was trying to be gracious but I recognized it annoyed him. I think you have to think of your bf first. I love my dogs like crazy- but it's not a big deal if they sleep in their dog beds 2 feet away from me if it makes my bf feel more comfortable. But the thing is I put my dog at the foot of the bed or on my side so he's not between us. If he moves out of that position it wakes me up and I just tell him to go back to his spot. It doesn't wake my bf up (he sleeps like a rock) and my dog doesn't get on his pillow or anything. When my bf said he was worried about my dog triggering his allergies, I bathed the dog and brushed him and put down my own blanket on the bed so that he could sleep at the foot of the bed away from his face. Plus he has a HEPA filter in the room and my dog is a low-shedder so I thought it was a good solution. But now he's saying he feels like the dog distracts him from spending time alone with me which I dont understand the dog mostly helps me while my bf is asleep (when he isn't actively spending time with me). Edited August 25, 2011 by greenappleeyes
Eddie Edirol Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 His low sex drive is definitely not because of the dog.... When the dog isnt even with us, he rarely flirts with me or comes on to me unless it's been a few days. We can shower together and I can change in front of him, and still nothing. He says he just has a low sex drive. I do want to stop being so dependent on my dog but I don't think I'm ready to do that unless the relationship feels like it's not going anywhere, you know? Otherwise I'm just leaning on someone who might not always be there. I do rely on him, just not for comforting me when I wake up in the middle of the night. It doesn't feel like something I can force, I think it has to happen naturally. Im pretty sure his sex drive is low because of the dog in GENERAL, meaning it turned him off from the beginning, or hes just not that physically attracted to you. Anytime after the beginning, he will still have a low sex drive, becausse he is constantly reminded of your dependence on the dog. I know I would. You dont seem to understand that you need to learn to stand on your own, no dog or bf. You cant keep hanging onto the dog when you dont think you can hang onto your bf. If you want to keep the bf, you have to make a choice. Him or the dog. Choosing the dog over him will push anyone away. You dont have to lean on your bf, but you have to stop leaning on the dog. You only THINK you depend on him, but if he died, you have no choice but to keep living, and I think you wouldnt have a problem doing that. But Ill bet my savings that if you show your bf that you arent dependent on him or the dog, he would show you some love real quick. Stop enjoying being a victim! Put your big girl panties on, and be someone your bf can be turned on by.
Janesays Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I wouldn't take my dog over to someone else's house, but my dog does sleep in MY bed with me. It's either that, or listen to him whine all night. If this bothered my boyfriend too badly, we probably wouldn't be sharing a bed long term. Since it's already a rule in my life that the doggies must leave the room during...er.....sexy time...the biggest compromise I'd be willing to make here is to buy the largest bed on the market.
Author greenappleeyes Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 If this bothered my boyfriend too badly, we probably wouldn't be sharing a bed long term. Since it's already a rule in my life that the doggies must leave the room during...er.....sexy time...the biggest compromise I'd be willing to make here is to buy the largest bed on the market. Yea that's how I feel too. Luckily my bf let me bring my dog over last night (he said he can see that I'm trying really hard to accommodate him, so he wanted to do the same for me) and my dog cuddled with me while I waited for him to finish his homework, and then he slept at the foot of the bed on his blanket when my bf got in bed. I asked my bf if he thought it went well and he said it was fine, so that's an improvement. Also... my dog will whine all night too if he's not in bed with me or my parents. That's why I can't just make him sleep in his cage at my bf's place like he suggests. My bf sleeps like a rock so the whining won't bother him, but I have insomnia so I would never sleep!
magnus mateo Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Seems like you have some decisions to make. It all boils down to what and who is important to you. If your boyfriend has not already asked you who is more important, he will soon. I do not think you want to reach the point of an ultimatum, but it is coming. Hope this helps. Good luck!
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