ScienceGal Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I got home from the gym last night and felt great. Then the Tim McGraw and Faith Hill song "It's Your Love" came on the radio and I started crying. This song has no significance to me or my ex, and I wondered if I was crying because I am lonely and missing that intimate connection. I reran all the "bad things" about him through my head and picked myself back up. Do I really still miss him this much? Or am I placing thoughts of him in that emptiness, am I just putting his name to that void in my heart? Have any of you wondered this before? What came of it? I am really curious to hear thoughts on this. I am such a loving person and gain so much happiness and balance through sharing my life with someone else. I wonder how i will know when I am no longer pining for him, but just longing for that connection to someone else. Also, this has nothing to do with me being unhappy on my own... I am almost 30 and I want a marriage and family structure eventually. It has nothing to do with hurrying or desperation, I just know I want this in my life. Thanks.
BrettLost Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 ScienceGal, U could just be sensitive to music and the way it can 'move' u, both through what is sang but ALSO the path that certain chords and notes take on. Some music hits me so hard just the way it is written, a certain pattern of chords and notes or the bridge into a chorus etc. If u 'feel' music, no matter what is spoken or sang, the tune/music itself can cause sub-concious emotions so easily that (i think) it can outweigh any other type of stimuli. Very powerful tool which is accsessable to everybody. If u are able to play an instrument (im a drummer), this too is VERY helpful in releasing unspoken emotion and pain through creativity.
FinOuch Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) Hey Sciencegal, I just had an experience and subsequent epiphany this week that may (or may not) relate the high and low you've just experienced. As a little background info: I went to a meet-up on Wednesday pertaining to one of my fav activities, and ended up having an absolute blast...much to my surprise. I met a bunch of great people who I can see myself doing this activity with, had a couple cute guys show interest in me (huge self-esteem boost, yay!), and in general really broke a little more out of my don't-bother-me-I'm-healing cocoon that night. And by the way...I almost backed out a number of times because I didn't truly feel "ready". I really did sort of force myself to just go through with it. I'm glad I did, because the end result was I left feeling like I was on cloud nine. I felt like being single wasn't going to be so bad, and so much stronger and uplifted. These feelings continued to last through the better part of yesterday. And then yesterday evening, for some reason, BAM I found myself missing the ex with an intensity that I hadn't experienced for some time. To the extent that I broke down sobbing over him for the first time in...well, a while. I can't really remember the last time I actually allowed myself to cry over him. I'm sure it's been close to a month. Anyways, I sat there in bed crying and thinking to myself "what the h*ll is wrong with me? I thought I was past this...I was doing so well..." And it occurred to me that this wasn't really the first time that I've experienced the highs of moving forward, only to be then confronted with the lows of longing and missing him. The truth is that every little step I've taken that has resulted in a moment of joy and happiness has inevitably been followed by a low point. I think perhaps the only reason that this last event hit me so hard was because it was me and a bunch of strangers, so I didn't have a close friend or family to associate with the event. Which also means that when I do finally go on a date or meet a guy I'm interested in, it will probably mess with me even more so. *gulp* But my big realization was this... I think that when you are in a relationship with someone, you become very much so accustomed to having them be part of the high moments in your life...whether these moments are directly related to them, or just having them there to share it with. And so as we move forward experiencing joys and bliss without them, on some level we become aware of their absence. And literally ANYTHING can trigger it. A memory. A song. Doing something new alone. Meeting someone new. Etc. So yes to all of your questions - I think that in part, you miss him specifically. In part, you miss having someone in general. Without him and the relationship there is no second party to share the positive with. So there is this void...and as a result the highs are accompanied by a low, and this will likely continue as you move forward and experience different situations as a solo flyer. BUT...this isn't a bad thing. This high/low cycle is simply your heart adjusting to the change. With that being said, I don't know that you are ever ready to move forward. Not completely anyways. There's a point when it feels less daunting, and less unnatural (because your heart knows it can't stay cocooned and mourning forever). And as you emerge little bit by little bit, it is bittersweet because there is both the up and the subsequent down. And the simple process of going through this high/low cycle is, in fact, healing. The point of feeling truly ready doesn't come until after you've taken the next step, I guess. It does have sort of an Alice in Wonderland feel to it - gotta serve the cake before slicing it. Edited August 19, 2011 by FinOuch
Author ScienceGal Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Hey Sciencegal, I just had an experience and subsequent epiphany this week that may (or may not) relate the high and low you've just experienced. As a little background info: I went to a meet-up on Wednesday pertaining to one of my fav activities, and ended up having an absolute blast...much to my surprise. I met a bunch of great people who I can see myself doing this activity with, had a couple cute guys show interest in me (huge self-esteem boost, yay!), and in general really broke a little more out of my don't-bother-me-I'm-healing cocoon that night. And by the way...I almost backed out a number of times because I didn't truly feel "ready". I really did sort of force myself to just go through with it. I'm glad I did, because the end result was I left feeling like I was on cloud nine. I felt like being single wasn't going to be so bad, and so much stronger and uplifted. These feelings continued to last through the better part of yesterday. And then yesterday evening, for some reason, BAM I found myself missing the ex with an intensity that I hadn't experienced for some time. To the extent that I broke down sobbing over him for the first time in...well, a while. I can't really remember the last time I actually allowed myself to cry over him. I'm sure it's been close to a month. Anyways, I sat there in bed crying and thinking to myself "what the h*ll is wrong with me? I thought I was past this...I was doing so well..." And it occurred to me that this wasn't really the first time that I've experienced the highs of moving forward, only to be then confronted with the lows of longing and missing him. The truth is that every little step I've taken that has resulted in a moment of joy and happiness has inevitably been followed by a low point. I think perhaps the only reason that this last event hit me so hard was because it was me and a bunch of strangers, so I didn't have a close friend or family to associate with the event. Which also means that when I do finally go on a date or meet a guy I'm interested in, it will probably mess with me even more so. *gulp* But my big realization was this... I think that when you are in a relationship with someone, you become very much so accustomed to having them be part of the high moments in your life...whether these moments are directly related to them, or just having them there to share it with. And so as we move forward experiencing joys and bliss without them, on some level we become aware of their absence. And literally ANYTHING can trigger it. A memory. A song. Doing something new alone. Meeting someone new. Etc. So yes to all of your questions - I think that in part, you miss him specifically. In part, you miss having someone in general. Without him and the relationship there is no second party to share the positive with. So there is this void...and as a result the highs are accompanied by a low, and this will likely continue as you move forward and experience different situations as a solo flyer. BUT...this isn't a bad thing. This high/low cycle is simply your heart adjusting to the change. With that being said, I don't know that you are ever ready to move forward. Not completely anyways. There's a point when it feels less daunting, and less unnatural (because your heart knows it can't stay cocooned and mourning forever). And as you emerge little bit by little bit, it is bittersweet because there is both the up and the subsequent down. And the simple process of going through this high/low cycle is, in fact, healing. The point of feeling truly ready doesn't come until after you've taken the next step, I guess. It does have sort of an Alice in Wonderland feel to it - gotta serve the cake before slicing it. Probably the best answer that I have ever received on here. Thank you. Sigh... just gotta keep on keepin' on...
Audrina Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I was engaged to a man for a year and after our long, tumultuous relationship it took me a long time to recover. I promised myself that I would take at least one year to focus on myself and not date, and I did, but at the end of the year I still found myself not fully over it, so I promised myself six more months. I just needed my heart to be clear of the space that he used to inhabit, and focusing on myself was the best thing that I could have ever done. It hurt all the time after we broke up and simple things would send me into tears. Even after I was over the relationship. Towards the end of my mourning and adjusting period it wasn't that I missed my ex, it was that I missed the connection we had, the love that I experienced and I was lonely. Songs that reminded me of him would still make me cry, not because I missed him, but because they reminded me of what I used to have that was gone. It was hard for me to from being so loved, to nothing. I wouldn't worry about it, when you're over it for sure, you'll know, but don't let crying over a song make you feel like you'll never get over it. It's a good song, and hell, it makes me cry sometimes and I have a boyfriend who I love dearly.
Queen of Hearts 10 Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 In the book for what ever it's worth to you, may or may not help but it's science. In the brain there are two different brain centers for anger and sadness, but both centers share the same common nerve pathway. When one center is using the pathway, the other can't. So to stop your sad feelings, you have to block the sadness pathway by filling it with anger. The trick is to dwell on all the bad, thoughtless things the EX did to you. Thus, the bad list to bring out as a reminder. Thats why they say to make this type of list. Every time you have a romantic thought, push it off your brain pathway with anger ! So you should have changed the radio station ! My favorite country song is the one about the girl who took the Louisville Slugger bat to her boyfriends truck while he was inside the bar with his new GF. I think she carved her name in the leather seats too ! Hmmm ! there 's a thought ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do you know the song who sings it ? I'm not a CW music listener to many sad songs. I have tried to do this tactic but my heart is to big it gets in the way !! Queen has fallen off her horse can anyone help me back up darn heels !
Author ScienceGal Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 In the book for what ever it's worth to you, may or may not help but it's science. In the brain there are two different brain centers for anger and sadness, but both centers share the same common nerve pathway. When one center is using the pathway, the other can't. So to stop your sad feelings, you have to block the sadness pathway by filling it with anger. The trick is to dwell on all the bad, thoughtless things the EX did to you. Thus, the bad list to bring out as a reminder. Thats why they say to make this type of list. Every time you have a romantic thought, push it off your brain pathway with anger ! So you should have changed the radio station ! My favorite country song is the one about the girl who took the Louisville Slugger bat to her boyfriends truck while he was inside the bar with his new GF. I think she carved her name in the leather seats too ! Hmmm ! there 's a thought ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do you know the song who sings it ? I'm not a CW music listener to many sad songs. I have tried to do this tactic but my heart is to big it gets in the way !! Queen has fallen off her horse can anyone help me back up darn heels ! My heart is WAY to big! And that song is 'Before He Cheats' by Carrie Underwood. No leather carving for me tonight though, I am all dressed up and I am going out! "Red High Heels" by Kelli Pickler is in my mind right now, even though I am wearing flats!
Eddie Edirol Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 You wont be truly ready until youre saying to yourself ..." I really want to try out some new personalities". Then you will be ready to meet new people. BTW you should already be completely balanced on your own, you shouldnt need another person sharing your life to be balanced. That is a dependence, and will leave you entirely vunerable every time you get involved with someone. That leads you to get attached to people that you shouldnt be getting attached to, because youre happy that youre in a relationship rather than making sure that person is right for you.
Queen of Hearts 10 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 You must be tall to be wearing flats ! We need to get you a pair of hot shoes ! Even Dorothy got a pair of Hot shoes at the end of her story ! I'm going out tonight too ! Don't need a date just the girls !! Have fun !
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