funnyface Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Somewhat of a complicated break up (if you want to read my previous posts, you can)... basically, things were wonderful, then it was like a switch turned off in him, overnight. He told me he was horribly homesick and depressed, hated his life, wanted to move back home. But he ignored me, and we barely spoke or texted or called for about 2 weeks. I kept asking if it was me, if he wanted to break up, and he kept saying no... yet when I was with him, or tried to text him, he would ignore me, or push me away. After a few weeks, I wrote him an email that explained how I felt (like he was cutting me out of his life), and I can stay by him if he wanted me to, but if he doesn't want me anymore, then to please just tell me (because I have been through that before). He never responded to it, and basically ignored it. We kept barely talking for a few more days, then he went back to visit his family in CA... no contact for two weeks. Nothing at all. I still loved him, but I knew I couldnt do it anymore, since I had no idea what was going on in his life, and I couldn't even talk to him. I was actually convinced that he was just too afraid to break up with me. It seemed like he could have fun and talk to anyone but me. I called and left a voicemail.... nothing mean, just "its clear that this is over, I dont deserve to be treated like this, but we both deserve to be happy, so lets both move on." It was so difficult for me to do. He left a voicemail back, saying he was so sorry for everything bad he had done to me, and that he has been in a "downward spiral" and was so sorry I got sucked into the "horrible tornado." At that moment, I doubted myself that maybe something really is wrong with him, and that its not that he simply lost interest. A few days afterwards, he texted me "doesn't mean we can't be friends." I just said "sure, absolutely"... but what is he thinking??? Does he still just want me around, to talk to.... because clearly he was fine with not talking to me for 2 weeks. Or is he trying to ease his guilty conscience? Does he really want to be friends, or using this as a way to keep me close to him?
John Michael Kane Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Somewhat of a complicated break up (if you want to read my previous posts, you can)... basically, things were wonderful, then it was like a switch turned off in him, overnight. He told me he was horribly homesick and depressed, hated his life, wanted to move back home. But he ignored me, and we barely spoke or texted or called for about 2 weeks. I kept asking if it was me, if he wanted to break up, and he kept saying no... yet when I was with him, or tried to text him, he would ignore me, or push me away. After a few weeks, I wrote him an email that explained how I felt (like he was cutting me out of his life), and I can stay by him if he wanted me to, but if he doesn't want me anymore, then to please just tell me (because I have been through that before). He never responded to it, and basically ignored it. We kept barely talking for a few more days, then he went back to visit his family in CA... no contact for two weeks. Nothing at all. I still loved him, but I knew I couldnt do it anymore, since I had no idea what was going on in his life, and I couldn't even talk to him. I was actually convinced that he was just too afraid to break up with me. It seemed like he could have fun and talk to anyone but me. I called and left a voicemail.... nothing mean, just "its clear that this is over, I dont deserve to be treated like this, but we both deserve to be happy, so lets both move on." It was so difficult for me to do. He left a voicemail back, saying he was so sorry for everything bad he had done to me, and that he has been in a "downward spiral" and was so sorry I got sucked into the "horrible tornado." At that moment, I doubted myself that maybe something really is wrong with him, and that its not that he simply lost interest. A few days afterwards, he texted me "doesn't mean we can't be friends." I just said "sure, absolutely"... but what is he thinking??? Does he still just want me around, to talk to.... because clearly he was fine with not talking to me for 2 weeks. Or is he trying to ease his guilty conscience? Does he really want to be friends, or using this as a way to keep me close to him? Maintain No-Contact. Always maintain No-Contact.
shayla Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Let's for a moment forget about what he wants. What do you want? What does he bring to your life that you are considering being his friend after what he's done? Do you think it will be good to smile and act like everything is okay when in the back of your mind you are wondering what will cause the next disappearing act? Welp, if you want to be his friend, just be clear about what the cost to you. Good luck.
singsparkles Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I've dated a guy like that also. He had mood swings and wouldnt talk to me for weeks just because he had his own issues. Guys like that will never last with any girl unless they fix themselves first. Honestly it could just be that he has issues he has to deal with and maybe he cannot be happy with anyone until he fixes them. Don't blame yourself or put yourself down for it. Theres probably nothing wrong with you at all!!! I would suggest maybe you should stay friends but let go at the same time and move on. If he fixes whatever problem he has, maybe he will come back to you and if you arent seeing anyone else maybe you can give it a try. If he doesnt ever do that, then whatever, you will be okay because u will have let go at that point and u will find someone else, maybe someone a lot better... don't ever stop your life for any guy. Keep living now and cross him off. If its meant to be it will be... but move on. He seems like he has a lot of issues!
FinOuch Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Or is he trying to ease his guilty conscience? Does he really want to be friends, or using this as a way to keep me close to him? Yes. To all. You'll likely never really know or understand what is going on in his head. But it seems to me that whatever the situation is, he's choosing to be selfish to some degree. Even in the best case that he has some serious emotional problems right now - he's still putting himself and his issues before the relationship. Not exactly someone you can rely on for better or worse, right? Does he feel like crap about this? Certainly. Does he want to keep you in his life? Probably. Does he want this because he cares about YOU and how his actions are affecting your life? Nope. He wants to keep you around for his own self-serving reasons. (and this applies to ANY reason that he may have started acting the way he did towards you; whether it be emotional problems, another woman, or any other excuse you can think of) So the question you have to ask yourself is are you really okay with that? Are you completely alright with being treated as a low priority and friend by this guy? And even if so, do you really think you could move on to find someone who IS going to treat you as a priority while still maintaining contact (and thus some sort of connection) with him?
Author funnyface Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Thank you so much, to all of you, for the advice. Its just such a strange situation, because I hadn't heard a thing since the "doesn't mean we can't be friends" text. Now things got even more complicated. I found out that his goddaughter passed away. He just baptized her about a month ago... it was very sudden and his whole family is grieving. The only reason I found out was from other people (apparently it was on his facebook, but I have been avoiding facebook like the plague). I broke NC by texting him "I heard what happened... I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry." To me, in this situation, I would feel worse if I didn't say something. He responded with just "thanks." I thought I was strong... and I thought I was in a good "he didnt treat me right and I deserve better" phase... but now this. I just feel so bad that such a horrible thing is happening in his life and I can't be there to comfort him... that he doesn't WANT me to be there for him. At the end of the day, even though the last month of our relationship was so rocky and weird and messed up, I still love him And if he is being truthful about being in a downward spiral, I feel so bad that now things might be worse for him. I know I shouldn't, but I fantasize about him coming around, and coming back to me someday. I am just so confused and in a whirlwind of emotions....
wilsonx Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Somewhat of a complicated break up (if you want to read my previous posts, you can)... basically, things were wonderful, then it was like a switch turned off in him, overnight. He told me he was horribly homesick and depressed, hated his life, wanted to move back home. But he ignored me, and we barely spoke or texted or called for about 2 weeks. I kept asking if it was me, if he wanted to break up, and he kept saying no... yet when I was with him, or tried to text him, he would ignore me, or push me away. After a few weeks, I wrote him an email that explained how I felt (like he was cutting me out of his life), and I can stay by him if he wanted me to, but if he doesn't want me anymore, then to please just tell me (because I have been through that before). He never responded to it, and basically ignored it. We kept barely talking for a few more days, then he went back to visit his family in CA... no contact for two weeks. Nothing at all. I still loved him, but I knew I couldnt do it anymore, since I had no idea what was going on in his life, and I couldn't even talk to him. I was actually convinced that he was just too afraid to break up with me. It seemed like he could have fun and talk to anyone but me. I called and left a voicemail.... nothing mean, just "its clear that this is over, I dont deserve to be treated like this, but we both deserve to be happy, so lets both move on." It was so difficult for me to do. He left a voicemail back, saying he was so sorry for everything bad he had done to me, and that he has been in a "downward spiral" and was so sorry I got sucked into the "horrible tornado." At that moment, I doubted myself that maybe something really is wrong with him, and that its not that he simply lost interest. A few days afterwards, he texted me "doesn't mean we can't be friends." I just said "sure, absolutely"... but what is he thinking??? Does he still just want me around, to talk to.... because clearly he was fine with not talking to me for 2 weeks. Or is he trying to ease his guilty conscience? Does he really want to be friends, or using this as a way to keep me close to him? You did the right thing in ending this relationship. You saw what a lot of people don't see when he got in his depression, that's him distancing himself for the breakup. He just wasn't ready to pull the trigger yet. The fact that he accepted it so fast is a sign in itself. You can't be friends with him. It's impossible at this point in your life because you still have feelings for him and he's distancing himself from you and has turned off the off switch on his feelings for you. It doesn't matter why he wants to remain friends though. Its the fact that its not going to be an even playing field because you are going to have feelings for him and he wont for you. If you really want to be friends, you both have to be on the same level emotionally wise. This is where you need to go NC and stick it like a champ.
stronganyway Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I just went through a similar thing- DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH HIM. 1. He is not TRUSTWORTHY and you deserve trustworthy 2. He is selfish- by not communicating with you, yes, he might be drinking or drugs or whatever - which you want NOTHING to do with OR he is seriously messed up in the head, pushing you away, pulling you back- forget it. I have SO BEEN THERE> IT NEVER WORKS! STAY STRONG AND STAY AWAY.
Author funnyface Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 wilsonx: thanks for the wisdom. you are right.. when he left a return voicemail back, basically solidifying the breakup, it was heartbreaking how there was no emotion in his voice at all. he might as well been saying "I just picked up my dry cleaning" by the tone in his voice. like it was nothing. I guess my main problem is struggling with this "depression" thing.... if its real, and that is the reason that this happened, and its not really him... or if thats not the reason and he's just lying. I guess that is the hardest part for me.... wanting to blame him, and wanting to find an excuse for him/possible hope. I made the decision to not be friends at this point. although, we're not talking anyway, so I have no idea why he texted me in the first place. stronganyway: so sorry you went through something similar. it is so hard for me and I try to stay strong but eventually just have moments where I break down and just sob. I agree that whatever is going on in his life right now, as much as I still care about him, he deserves to be by himself, and I don't want to be involved. no contact since I sent him my condolences on his goddaughter 3 days ago... its still doesn't seem to get any easier...
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