A real reality check - silly impractical hope.

[Bubby]

Yesterday I did the ultimate reality check. I read my husband's text messages between him and his NW. He was so loving and gentle with her. They have their own language already and it cut me to the quick. I had his phone to call about my internet connection. I gave it back to him saying I could not do this anymore and went out the front of the house and sat down trying to gain my composure. He came looking for me and he was yelling at me in the end asking what was wrong. If ever I had to know how he felt about me then it hit me between the eyes. The less he has to do with me the better. Yes it hurt and I felt in shock again. I was silly enough to allow myself to have hope. Silly impractical hope. It moved me one step further away from him. I have been his love for 8 years and we were not always good with each other but having lost him I know how deeply I have loved him. I have started putting my boundaries in place and slowly that will help. I have also done alot of research on moving on and letting go. I have found this so incredibly helpful. At times I am so lonely and want to reach out and touch him and I look at him and find a stranger. I feel like I am living in that nether world again and somehow I still feel that if we were to reconcile now it would be hopeless. I don't want that. I've got colour back in my cheeks and have actually got a spark in my eyes. I'm standing taller and making decisions for myself. These are only little ones but it's a start. I put all our photos and our wedding reminders away. I am sentimental and in time I will get rid of these. They are part of an era that is dead. He is part of my past. I got tired of being negative on this site as well. I know that we had such a strong and incredible love. I know that when he did love me he was as in love with me as I am with him. I do know that all the work I have done has helped me in this situation and thank God I have a lot of insight. As I have said before this website is amazing and has helped me more than I can say. The love and caring that strangers has shown me has given me the most amazing comfort in my darkerst hours. I know that I will continue to have my dark times. I had this yesterday and thought of my comforting fellow loveshackers.

If someone reads this can someone tell me if it is wrong to start fantasising about someone knew ? I really felt better from it. He was telling me how wonderful I am ! Probably all the stuff I want to hear but did not get from my husband for a long time. I will try and make shorter entries. But I love being able to express myself here and it has helped me put my thoughts in order and reading other people's issues and problems has let me know I am definitely not on my own.

Edited August 18, 2011 by Bubby

[FinOuch]

Sometimes we need that painful smack upside the head to bring us back down to Earth. Good for you for actively taking steps to move forward and put him behind you. It will help.

 

And honestly, no I don't think it is weird to fantasize about someone new. It just tells me there was a void in your relationship. That some need you have was going unfulfilled. It is only natural (especially when reality has come and knocked us flat on our arse) to long for those, and to insert fantasies of some other person...real or imagined...into that role.

Just make sure that you realize this is a redirection of hope into a fantasy, and avoid using it as a launching ground for a rebound. Rebounds end in tears.

[danceallday]

So sorry to hear you are going through this. You have to remember you were a good person before you met him, right? You are that same good person now and you will be in the future.

 

I found out via email that the man I thought was my true love had a parallel relationship going on. For a year. FML.

[stronganyway]

Fantasizing only leads to being...living in your head. I know it feels better but it can become like an addiction. Seriously. And then you aren't living inthe present moment. We fantasize because we are in pain. Because NOW hurts. Now DOES hurt, horribly sometimes. Do everything you can to just make your SELF feel better, stronger. Take time to cry, and try to move towards what you REALLY want; kindness, sincerity, sweetness. Right now the best person to give that to you is YOU. Hang in there. You will find peace, you will find happiness. He's an idiot to have don't what he did. Totally immature and just ....ICK. You are better than that. Love your self.