MammaMia Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Are you the kind of person who wants to know all the details about the affair, or are you the kind of person who would rather know nothing? I want to know everything, but I do know now that i will not get any more details. I have to do the digging myself..... He claims that no answer is the best answer. My response to this was : yes, it is true only if the person has something to hide. You guessed it: no response.
Spark1111 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Are you the kind of person who wants to know all the details about the affair, or are you the kind of person who would rather know nothing? I want to know everything, but I do know now that i will not get any more details. I have to do the digging myself..... He claims that no answer is the best answer. My response to this was : yes, it is true only if the person has something to hide. You guessed it: no response. MM, people who choose to have affairs rather than clearly express what ails them to their spouse are generally conflict avoiders with poor communication skills. If you want to know everything and are prepared to hear it calmly, then you should have your questions answered. You cannot even try to rebuild intimacy when one spouse is still holding onto secrets. It is just not possible. Whether he thinks it is to protect you or himself, from the consequences of his actions, keeping secrets of any kind from your spouse will not rebuild trust. Without total and complete trust re-established, you will not be able to heal. Often the cheater lacks the courage to disclose all the details. It means they would have to take a very hard look at themselves to do so. It takes courage. If they had been courageous in the past, most likely they would have disclosed what they were feeling and separated before they cheated. He is trying to sweep it under the rug because he cannot deal with what he did. Unless the TWO OF YOU can deal with what he did, the future is filled with suspicion, anger, and resentment....not true intimacy. In the very best and most secure marriages, couples speak of the attraction one partner may be developing for the butcher, baker, neighbor or coworker and TOGETHER they calmly discuss boundaries to put in place to protect the marriage. Imagine that?
seren Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Everything that Spark said ^ there ^ I gave mine the Letter to a Wayward Spouse, Google it, left him to read it and then began the painful telling of it all, every bit of it. I limited the amount of time spent talking about it as I couldn't change what was and neither could he, but I wanted to make an informed decision and to do that I needed to know what I needed to know. H didn't want to talk about it as he felt so ashamed and TBH it really did sound very sleazy. Not knocking the OW, it just was what it was. You ask what you are prepared to have answered and a bit about trickle truth. It is so important that he does not continue to gaslight you about the A, you will find you keep going back to the same questions until you feel you have dealt with that bit and then onto the next. If he lies or omits anything it will forever be a gap in your understanding the letter to WS explains better. Limit the time as too much just ends up exhausting, destructive and hinders reconciliation. If mine refused to discuss it I would have questioned his commitment to R and feel that he didn't get how bloody hurtful the A was. Good Luck Seren x
Recommended Posts