sarahg_8 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Hello. I recently went through a break-up and am now working on a possible reconciliation. My problem is that I feel like I talk about it too much. Even when we were together, I would discuss all of our fights and conversations with my friends. I have a lot of close friends and for whatever reason feel the need to discuss everything with them because it's therapeutic at the time. Later I feel guilty for telling so much because I know it just causes them to be more critical of me, my boyfriend and our relationship. Once at work I mentioned something about our relationship in passing to a co-worker and he ended up teasing my boyfriend about it. He was pissed at me for telling him, which I totally understand. When we broke up, I was beside myself and I told all of my close friends exactly what happened. Now that we're talking again, I feel the need to go out of my way and justify why we are. They have all been supportive but know that they're all judging my decisions. I know this is my own fault. I think if I do decide to get back with my ex I need to keep our relationship private. Does anyone else have this same problem? Or does anyone find that keeping things about your relationship private is better in the long run?
Star Gazer Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I've had this problem as the over-sharer, the friend, and the spoken-about SO. As the sharer, I don't know how to stop it, because I rely on my girlfriends a lot - to talk through things and get their (hopefully objective, neutral) input. The problem is, we all tend to vent more about our relationships than we do to gush about every awesome part/moment of the relationship, so our friends get a skewed view of the relationship on the whole. So I try to talk about whatever's going on in a rational, unemotional, non-exaggerated way - easier said than done. And as a friend, it's hard to hear all the bad stuff, and little good stuff, and then be super supportive when they get back together.
sally4sara Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I try to make sure that anything I share with friends is something I've already shared and resolved with my partner. Its the same way you'd handle a tense situation with one friend when the two of you share many friends in common; you don't want them finding out how you feel about the issue from others and if they do hear something from them it should be the same thing they heard from you. Basically anything I have to say about you, I've already said to you. 1
Cee Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I entered into a total mess of a relationship. I eloped with a guy I barely knew and, as you can imagine, it was a disaster. My friends stood by me and never said a mean thing about the guy until after I left him. The day after I moved out it was New Year's Eve. I went to a New Year's party and cried in a corner. My friends sat beside me and comforted me. My friend married a mean, unhappy woman. All of his friends attended his wedding even though we knew it would end in divorce. We endured the stories about his wife and how awful she was. We stood by him and told him we loved him. And 13 years later he announced he was divorcing her. A group of us were at a bar and we said, "Congratulations. It's about time." He laughed and we gave him hugs. I am not going to say your relationship is good or bad. You will decide that in due time. What I can tell you is that your friends will be patient and love you no matter what. And yes, they are biting their tongues and not telling you this guy is a loser. They know that your judgment, not theirs is what's important. Keep talking to and enjoying your friends. Don't worry about over sharing. Be yourself - in your perfectly imperfect way.
magnus mateo Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Many times, partners give more information to their friends than they do their actual partner. A good place to start is becoming best friends with your partner. You two should be able to talk about anything. Of course, some things you may feel more comfortable talking to someone else about. But, your partner should never be excluded from any information. Also, people assume their friends are the best people to get advice from. That is far from the truth. Your friends have their own relationship issues to deal with. They just keep their business to themselves. I think you should keep more of your relationship situation inhouse. Airing your dirty laundry to friends only becomes a source of entertainment for them. Hope this helps. Good luck!
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