OriginalPenguin Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I have been noticing that occasionally she tends to get really bummed out. She will get really distant, not want to do anything and in some cases say some pretty dark things like she wouldn't care if she died tomorrow (not quite "I wish I was dead" but close enough) Realize that everybody gets down and we all as humans tend to indulge in pity parties now and then. What I am struggling with is the fact that I am a nurturer; when someone I love is down I want to do what I can to help. Even if it is a simple thing like reminding them of how much I love her and what she means to me. I always try to cheer her up. Most of the time I don't get any reaction to this. It's very odd because I don't think it is too difficult to at least say "Thanks". Sometimes she will say something really severe like she wants to move away and change her name and start over. What hurts is there is never any acknowledgment of how I fit into this fantasy...we have been together about 9 months and I don't even know if she wants to get away from me to or what....? She tends to come out of it fairly quickly, and as time goes on I think I am getting a little better at just giving her space but it still bothers me a little. Any advice?
zengirl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Don't take on the burden of thinking you have to cheer her up (or put the burden on her that she has to cheer up). That's the only advice I can think of, without knowing her issues or being a licensed therapist. I can recall when I went through a depressive period because of re-adjustment stuff, and the guy I was dating then just wanted me to be happy. I think he meant well, but it just felt like pressure, and it made it worse. Just let it ride out. Dive into and under the wave, so to speak. If this is a frequent problem, I hope she seeks some help. No shame in it at all.
FitChick Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Is she on birth control pills? Synthetic hormones can cause depression. Even anti-depressants cause depression, oddly enough. Is she on medication? Exercise and diet can really change your moods for better or worse. There are lists of foods and supplements to help with depression and anxiety if you google them. Exercise boosts mood as well, but make it something enjoyable like cycling or dancing or swimming.
Disillusioned_Wife Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Girls are weird huh. First off, let her be. Let her have her moment, she's venting, decompressing. Do tell her you love her and what she's worth to you, do not take it personal when she doesn't acknowledge it right away. Do take note of when in the month this happens, if she's like me... she downward cycles during pms and menstrual cycles (my tubal has really screwed me up). Do talk to her, do tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn't acknowledge you or your words but not in the moment. There is a time and place for it, the heat of the moment may cause both of you to become aggravated and frustrated. Be honest, use "I" statements (I feel upset and unacknowledged right now).
Author OriginalPenguin Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Don't take on the burden of thinking you have to cheer her up (or put the burden on her that she has to cheer up). That's the only advice I can think of, without knowing her issues or being a licensed therapist. I can recall when I went through a depressive period because of re-adjustment stuff, and the guy I was dating then just wanted me to be happy. I think he meant well, but it just felt like pressure, and it made it worse. Just let it ride out. Dive into and under the wave, so to speak. If this is a frequent problem, I hope she seeks some help. No shame in it at all. Excellent points, thanks for sharing! I wonder if I am not being a little selfish myself because I don't get that feedback "Hey look what a great guy you are!". So maybe stepping back and not getting bent out of shape is my best bet. Is she on birth control pills? Synthetic hormones can cause depression. Even anti-depressants cause depression, oddly enough. Is she on medication? Exercise and diet can really change your moods for better or worse. There are lists of foods and supplements to help with depression and anxiety if you google them. Exercise boosts mood as well, but make it something enjoyable like cycling or dancing or swimming. She is on the depo shot, and may or may not be going through menopause. It's sort of a shock to both of us because she is younger than the usual age bracket but has the symptoms; hot/cold flashes, mood swings, etc. Girls are weird huh. First off, let her be. Let her have her moment, she's venting, decompressing. Do tell her you love her and what she's worth to you, do not take it personal when she doesn't acknowledge it right away. Do take note of when in the month this happens, if she's like me... she downward cycles during pms and menstrual cycles (my tubal has really screwed me up). Do talk to her, do tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn't acknowledge you or your words but not in the moment. There is a time and place for it, the heat of the moment may cause both of you to become aggravated and frustrated. Be honest, use "I" statements (I feel upset and unacknowledged right now). All good observations, and to be honest these are all things that I have done. It seems to be ok after this phase passes, so maybe I just need to get used to riding it out. Do things that make her happy. That goes without saying, at least in my point of view. My struggle has been that even when I do things to make her happy, it doesn't seem to have any effect. (during these downward spirals, that is) But some of the posts here have given me a different viewpoint. You guys are great, thanks so much!
Feelin Frisky Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I'm sorry but you can't help her. At most all you can do is try to lead her to help herself. If she then doesn't then she may either think this is normal and resent any prompting or is comfortable hanging on to this funkiness. Does she sometimes go to the opposite extreme and is on highs? The bottom line is you have to impress upon her that doing nothing is unacceptable and a deal-breaker for you. If she wants you she should show it by acquiescing. If she doesn't, you have your answer. She chooses denial over you. Someone has said her to just leave her alone. That assumes this is a one-time thing. But everything you said makes it sound to me like it's gone past the problem state. Time for you to face facts then as well. Good luck.
Kamille Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 She is on the depo shot, and may or may not be going through menopause. It's sort of a shock to both of us because she is younger than the usual age bracket but has the symptoms; hot/cold flashes, mood swings, etc. This stood out to me. She's struggling with depressive states and has hot/cold flashes, mood swings, etc. Has she discussed all those symptoms with a doctor? Who's thinking she may or may not be going through early menopause, you guys or the doctor? She might be struggling with some kind of hormonal imbalance - one that might or might not have something to do with early-menopause. And ps: I heard the depo-shot is one of the most mood-altering contraceptive methods out there. A few of my friends tried it and soon switched to other methods.
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