arbrne_vet Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 went nc a week and a half ago, when i finally had enough. these past 10 months have been more than i can bear. i have begged, pleaded, sold out my soul, and done everything i can to make this work. so, finally i have had enough. now..... i get these random text. last night it was " ever going to talk to me again" and my response was not sure. then she wanted to know if i was seeing someone. i should have never answered. i should have ignored her. when i start thinking of all she has done and put me through in the past 10 months, i want to run as far away from her as i can. when my heart starts getting involved, i get confused, very confused to where i don't know what to do. i don't want to ignore her, but feel, what the hell is the point. this is where my head kicks in, and i put on the brakes. i have been waiting for the "i am so sorry, i will do anything to get you back" or something like that. BUT, in the almost 4 years we have seen each other, she has never apologized for anything, and her actions, in her mind, have been justified because of what i have done. i am tired of apologizing. i have apologized enough for a lifetime. i feel she is taking out on me everything her ex-husband did. he just left, walked out the door and left her. i feel she has many unresolvable issues, and conflicts between us just magnify them. i can't do this anymore.
WindWhisperer Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 at least you are thinking clearly and know what the message she sends should say. did you tell her that?
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 no, i did not. i don't feel i should tell her she needs to say she is sorry. if she really does not know what she has been doing to me, then what is the point. i have been somewhere around 18th on her list of important things. we were engaged to be married. engagement only lasted 6 months, and even so it sucked the whole time. i have heard nothing but excuses from her on why she can't spend time with me.always way too busy, yet she can always find time to spend an evening with her co-workers all the time. we have not had a "date" in several months.no time. yet she has had 5 outings with her co-workers in the past 3 months. i am so tired.....
danceallday Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I am a bit confused by your story. Is there more information you want to share? BTW - right there with you with the feeling awful stuff.
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 ok, backstory. we met a little over 4 years ago. had a great relationship. she is very insecure. i knew that from the start. did everything i could do to help her overcome this. did everything for her. fixed all her things that went south in her house. treated her like a princes. then... last september, she said she was not sure if she wanted to make this work. went out one night, could not get ahold of her. she was out all night, and said she was with a "friend" and "thought" she told me of the night out. after that night, she did not want to be with me, yet she kept texting me. soo, i asked her out for dinner, and she accepted, and i proposed to her. she did not accept right away, but a couple weeks later did. but........... she was distant. not herself. stopped letting me touch her, started making up excuses why she had no time to see me, and was flirting with a certain individual. she claims she was not flirting, that they were friends. i don't know, getting giddy and almost running to him when she saw him... guess i am wrong on that one. anyway days, weeks, months of trying to hang on while she seemed to care less. she always started fights over really really dumb things. then, one day she shows up with no ring. that was last april i done had it. did not want anything to do with her. so now she gets mad at me, and now wants to have sex. after months of not. so this crap went on, and when i start showing any affections, she goes back to her distant self. accuses me of being controlling, when i am at her beacon call. again, does not have time for me, yet in the past 3 months she has had time to go out with her friends 5 times, yet no time for me. so, i went NC, and the rest is my post above.
Shalyn Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Moving on is the right thing to do. I listened to an interview with a dating coach on datingmidlife.com. One of the questions asked her was what if you've done everything you can do and nothing works? The answer was simple. If you've done everything, then there's nothing left to do. Move on with your life. went nc a week and a half ago, when i finally had enough. these past 10 months have been more than i can bear. i have begged, pleaded, sold out my soul, and done everything i can to make this work. so, finally i have had enough. now..... i get these random text. last night it was " ever going to talk to me again" and my response was not sure. then she wanted to know if i was seeing someone. i should have never answered. i should have ignored her. when i start thinking of all she has done and put me through in the past 10 months, i want to run as far away from her as i can. when my heart starts getting involved, i get confused, very confused to where i don't know what to do. i don't want to ignore her, but feel, what the hell is the point. this is where my head kicks in, and i put on the brakes. i have been waiting for the "i am so sorry, i will do anything to get you back" or something like that. BUT, in the almost 4 years we have seen each other, she has never apologized for anything, and her actions, in her mind, have been justified because of what i have done. i am tired of apologizing. i have apologized enough for a lifetime. i feel she is taking out on me everything her ex-husband did. he just left, walked out the door and left her. i feel she has many unresolvable issues, and conflicts between us just magnify them. i can't do this anymore.
Chi townD Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Dude, sorry to say that your backstory SCREAMS that she was cheating on you. You know it too. And the fact that it took weeks to accept your marriage proposal is a big red flag! Also, cheaters will pick fights with SO to calm their own guilt about cheating. Justifying their action because you're being the jerk. Just keep going with your NC. I doubt that she done with the texts yet, but you have to ignore them. Anytime you feel like contacting her, post here. Anytime you feel like responding to her texts, post here. I have a feeling you still have her on your friends list on FB. De-friend her and post here. Question? The day you saw her without her ring on? What did she say about it? Time to heal dude.
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 i have been told that by many that she cheated on me. i took her off my FB when she showed up with no ring, and blocked her also. thanks for the support.
california15 Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like youve hit the end of your rope - which is a great starting place to really begin to heal. REALLY BEGIN. My friend always said that one day I'll have enough of his bs and just be fed up and truly done with it and once I reached that point when wanting to be happy and drama-free is stronger than trying to fix something I know is unhealthy and futile, is when I'll truly begin to move on. And so I'm passing that on to you. You don't deserve her playing cat and mouse with you. And you know that. She doesn't deserve your time or attention - she can't end the relationship but expect you to be there too. Its one or the other. Stop giving her the cake and letting her eat it too. She made a decision to end the relationship, with you. Now let her experience life without you. That's what she chose isn't it?? Not trying to sound harsh. I know its hard. We're all going through breakups at the moment. But the cat and mouse, reeling you in then letting you go stage, was the hardest for me to get out of and I appreciated someone just telling it to me straight (not my current ex relationship, but another one). You can do it.
Author arbrne_vet Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 just did some googling on behaviours of cheating SO. This is what i have found: More willing to pick fights, arguments, and conflictsLess forgiving, understanding, and acceptingVery critical, hostile, or maybe abusiveNot sharing new information or feelingsReluctant to do things together or spend time togetherMay become less gentle, polite, or concernedLittle, or no, interest in sexSex becomes more physical than emotionalMay refuse to have sexDevelops interest in new activities, hobbies, or interestsSudden changes in clothing, exercise routine, and other self-improvementsSuggests that things are not working or that there are problemsMay mention that how he or she is not happy or satisfiedMay forget anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasionsUnwilling to make future commitments and plansChanges in work habits, schedule, and spending of free timeMore conflict over money and financesDisinterested in things around home and familyLoss of interest in doing things together or spending time together This has been her for the past 10 months. Time to go wheels up!!!
Graceful Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 A-Vet, You're the freakin' bomb, and you don't need this toxicity in your life; you're better than that. You hear me? Engagements should be among the happiest times in a person's life, not a time when someone pulls away and makes you miserable and insecure. You treated her well, and how exactly did she thank you and show her appreciation and love? (long pause ... waiting ... waiting .... ) She's passive aggressive, a button pusher, a user, a cheater, a liar, a blood sucker, an emotional vampire and a downright nasty prospect for a wife. Okay, hope that gives you clear direction to go NC, and stay there. You're too good to waste yourself being treated like this. If you came over to my place and helped fix things that needed fixin' --- now that's what I call sexy. So go NC, heal, recover from this mess, and find yourself a girl who knows a good man when she sees one. Yes, I mean YOU.
Chi townD Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 There ya go Vet! Grace thinks you're sexy! Others will too! you don't have to waste your time.
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