melissa342 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I've been in a relationship for 5 years. We live together and about 8 months ago for the first time I checked his internet history on his desktop computer (which we share). I found that he had been watching porn, mostly early in the morning on a saturday or sunday before I got out of bed (we're talking 5-6am...). If that wasn't unhealthy enough, I also saw that he was on craigslist personal ads... I was unbelievably upset. I confronted him and he told me that yes he watches porn, but the craigslist thing was a one time thing and he only was looking at it because friends at work had told him they were funny to look at... It was an awkward and uncomfortable conversation so he said he was sorry that I was so upset and we left it at that... I didn't want him to make any promises that he couldn't keep about not watching it again. I talked to some friends about it, I'm a pretty liberal person, I understand guys watch porn, I've watched it myself in the past. I tried to embrace the situation, I even bought some porn one night and we watched it together and it was fine, I felt like he wasn't even watching it, just trying to please me in bed. It was awkward also. We just got back from a trip where we have been having non stop sex and it was all amazing. I recently spent a night away and for whatever reason I came home and immediately looked at his internet history... Sure enough, more porn. Not just porn but websites of college-aged girls who post naked pics of themselves (we're only 26 so they aren't much younger than me). He looks at this stuff mainly early in the morning when I'm still in bed. I want to confront him again but I don't know how and although I'm a pretty secure and confident person, this whole situation makes me feel insecure. We have a great relationship and I know he loves me, he's a wonderful man. It's almost like all of this is so out of character for him... I'm just hurt, and I know it's normal for men to have a desire to look at these things but as a woman, there is nothing comparable to what he is doing that I could do to make him feel this way. I know what everyone is going to say - it's normal, guys do this, etc... And I'm very aware of that. But what am I supposed to do about my feelings?
Scottdmw Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I think what you're feeling is very normal for a woman. It doesn't matter how “liberal” you are, a lot of women feel the way you do. Don't feel like you have to talk yourself out of that. Porn is a tough situation. It is incredibly attractive to men. I think it is more like a harmful addiction, and try to stay away from it. But, I will tell you that it's not easy. For your man to do that he would have to really want to out of a strong sense that it was the right thing to do, and even then it would be difficult for him. It is somewhat analogous to a woman trying to lose 20-30 pounds and keep it off, it takes a strong and continuing effort of will and giving up something that is pleasurable. I think it's okay for you to do some amount of telling him that this is something you don't like. Make sure that he does understand that you're hurting because of it. However, don’t nag him or try to force him to change. Don't bring it up that often. If he doesn't change, again try to be understanding that it's very difficult even if he wants to. Appreciate any efforts he makes and applaud any success he has. If you decide you really can't deal with it, you do have the option to leave and try to find a man who doesn't look at porn at all or at least very rarely. They do exist, although some people will say they don't. However, it's not going to be an easy thing to find, most are found among people who are strong religious believers and if that's not you it will be difficult. Best of luck Scott
Recommended Posts