AngryandUsed Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I am 46 and an Indian. My wife is 37. Ours is an arranged marriage. Two kids. I am in Middle East on job and she is raising kids back home. They could not come here because of kids' education. I visit them once in 3 months. In Dec 2009, I observed: (i) she was withdrawn from me sexually and not taking active part in sex, (ii) frequent fights, (iii) inviting a grown up boy home and giving him mobile number (in my presence), (iv) talking in whisper on mobile phone with unmarried male neighbour. In Jan 2011, after a fight, she confessed to have fallen in love and agreed to marry a schoolmate in when she was 18+. The affair was abruptly ended by her family and she was married off to me at her 21. She denies any physical contact with that schoolmate. She asks me about how I feel about her, whether she has been truthful to me. I wonder if there had been no physical affair, why she should feel guilty. Now, she says that there are other men flirting with her. She had a massage (a year ago) from a male friend of mine in Middle East and now that male friend is proposing from me for exchange of wives! She says that unmarried bachelor neighbour's intentions are not good, the other males flirting with her have other (!) intentions. Is she / Has she cheated on me? I am upset, angry and frustrated. I have tried to get truth from her but not successful. Can she love someone else while remaining in marriage? Why is she telling me about those other males? Why is this Middle East yoga friend is asking for swapping of wives? How can I make her tell the truth? What do all these things such as (i) inviting a boy, (ii) ME friend proposing swapping of wives, (iii) telling that other males are flirting with her etc..indicate? Can anyone throw some light as to how I can get the truth? I am living in ME away from my family.
TigerCub Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 1. Can she love someone else while remaining in marriage? Its possible. Some people marry someone and still pine for someone they weren't able to have . 2. Why is she telling me about those other males? Because you're far away. You're leaving her to take care of 2 kids, and you're going somewhere else. Maybe she's resentful of that and wants you to want to come home. 3. Why is this Middle East yoga friend is asking for swapping of wives? I dunno. That one is weird and gross and I hope you punched him in the face. Because other than him wanting to screw your wife, I dunno what that was - maybe a really bad tasteless joke? 4. How can I make her tell the truth? dunno that one. 5. What do all these things such as (i) inviting a boy, (ii) ME friend proposing swapping of wives, (iii) telling that other males are flirting with her etc..indicate? I don't know who this boy is. Maybe he's someone that runs errands for her. That doesn't explain all the whispering, but other than that, does your wife need someone to do things for her, (no dirty jokes intended here), but ya know, run errands for her, fix things for her around the house - does that guy do anything like that? Didn't you ask her about him, how she met him, what he's doing around? etc... Can anyone throw some light as to how I can get the truth? I am living in ME away from my family. I think that maybe your wife is resentful that you're leaving her for months at a time and she's left in charge of the house, to raise the kids all on her own. She doesn't know what you're doing in the ME when you're done work. I understand that you have to work and you're working to provide for your family, but my hunch is that she's resentful and she's coming up with weird **** to upset you and make you want to come back to India and stay there. Or she could be cheating on you. I really don't know. I'm sorry, I know I'm not finding the answers you want, but that's all I can come up with. What about your parents and hers? Do they live in India too? How's their relationship with her and the kids, do they see each other often?
Author AngryandUsed Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 thanks tigercub for your thoughts. I don't know who this boy is. Maybe he's someone that runs errands for her. That doesn't explain all the whispering, but other than that, does your wife need someone to do things for her, (no dirty jokes intended here), but ya know, run errands for her, fix things for her around the house - does that guy do anything like that? Didn't you ask her about him, how she met him, what he's doing around? etc... He is an adolescent boy. He is in our village. Comes to our city once in a while. She invited him home and gave mobile number. First she said that the boy wanted the number, later on, admitted (low voice- you should see the face!) that she gave the number. I think that maybe your wife is resentful that you're leaving her for months at a time and she's left in charge of the house, to raise the kids all on her own. She doesn't know what you're doing in the ME when you're done work. I am faithful and I remain faithful. She is very much aware of this. I understand that you have to work and you're working to provide for your family, but my hunch is that she's resentful and she's coming up with weird **** to upset you and make you want to come back to India and stay there. Or she could be cheating on you. I really don't know. How to get to know the truth? I'm sorry, I know I'm not finding the answers you want, but that's all I can come up with. What about your parents and hers? Do they live in India too? How's their relationship with her and the kids, do they see each other often? She isnt friendly with my family. Always fighting. For that matter, there are no friends. Her parents often meets up with her (say once in 10 days)
TigerCub Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Did you not ask her WHY she gave the boy the number and how she even met him? Were there problems in the marriage before you went to the Middle East for work? How is life at home for your children? Do you talk to them and really get the details, are they adjusting well to you being gone so long? Do they give their mom a lot of trouble? How old are they? Since your wife told you about the past love that she wanted to marry, and the guy next door that has a crush on her, and the boy she WANTED to give her number to what have you said to her? What do you want the next step to be? Did you ask her if she wanted a divorce? Is she vocal about the problems in the marriage or is this her passive aggressive way of just implying that she never wanted you, she's unhappy and she has plenty of options? I think you need to definitely sit down with her, get to the point, as her point blank what she wants, and if she wants a divorce, go from there. Why would you want to be with someone that's telling you that they pretty much wanted to marry someone else? Your wife was pretty cruel to do that.
Author AngryandUsed Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Did you not ask her WHY she gave the boy the number and how she even met him? She told that the boy wanted the number. Later on, she (in a low voice - in regret) said she gave him number. I believe that boy did not come and visit her. But why she gave the number, I do not know. Were there problems in the marriage before you went to the Middle East for work? There were no problems, I am aware of. How is life at home for your children? Do you talk to them and really get the details, are they adjusting well to you being gone so long? Do they give their mom a lot of trouble? How old are they? Life is normal for kids. I dont think they give trouble to mom. First one is 15 and second one is 10. Since your wife told you about the past love that she wanted to marry, and the guy next door that has a crush on her, and the boy she WANTED to give her number to what have you said to her? About the guy she wanted to marry: she says she removed him from her mind. (is it possible?) I told her, I pity both of them, and offered her that she could meet him. She rejected the idea. About the next door guy: I believe (from what she says) she does not like him. I advised her to be careful in dealing with neighbors. About the boy in village: She first said the boy wanted the number, later she admitted that she gave him the number. I did not pursue the matter for obvious reasons. What do you want the next step to be? I am not able to find out the real issue. Did you ask her if she wanted a divorce? She said she is more than satisfied with me. Is she vocal about the problems in the marriage or is this her passive aggressive way of just implying that she never wanted you, she's unhappy and she has plenty of options? She gets angry with me and kids often. I know she is not really happy. But she has no options. She does not say she never wanted me. But I have done more than what is reasonably possible for a husband. I have adjusted all my life. (Doormat?) I don't mind being called doormat if I can save the relationship. I have lovely kids. I don't want them to suffer for no fault of theirs. Why should I suffer? I think you need to definitely sit down with her, get to the point, as her point blank what she wants, and if she wants a divorce, go from there. I spoke several times with her. I don't think she wants a divorce. I am still not sure. I offered that I will quit, take all the money you want, I will walk my way. I think it is the social pressure, family pressure that is keeping her. However, I may be wrong in this. Why would you want to be with someone that's telling you that they pretty much wanted to marry someone else? Your wife was pretty cruel to do that. She also firmly said if she was economically independent before the marriage, she would have married that schoolmate. I am terribly upset. Not able to apply myself to anything, including my health. I am not able to think any further. My thinking is very clouded and I don't want to take wrong decisions. I have kids. And I love them. I cant tell you how much I am suffering.
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