torn_curtain Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I'm in this weird situation where I won't be able to meet my SO in person for another few months, because he lives across the country and is getting major surgery soon that involves a long recovery period. I think up until recently I was OK with the arrangement, but I've noticed in the last week the distance is beginning to wear on me. Brief recap of our relationship: We met randomly online in May in a common interest forum, developed a close friendship online through Skype/video chat, found we were uncannily similar and had a really unusual connection, became increasingly more romantically attached and finally mutually decided we would be committed to each other until we meet. Neither of us was planning anything like this and we're both very wary of online attachments in general (although he's way more private than I am), but it just sort of took us by surprise and we thought it would be a mistake to pass up something so wonderful. I have no experience with being in a long distance relationship (well aside from something short term where I saw the guy every weekend) and this feels doubly more stressful because of his health issues and because we've never met in the flesh. Originally we had an end date set for us to meet -- mid October -- but the last week he's been hinting that it might be later depending on how long his recovery takes. So far our relationship has been pretty smooth sailing, but I don't think I'm cut out for long distance, and I worry the stress will slowly wear away at me before we meet. So far I've been a good girlfriend*. (*Yes, we both appreciate the absurdity in using that word and joke about it with each other, but we are committed so I'm not sure what else to call myself, and I know he considers me his girlfriend. ) We've both invested a lot in this, and though that may have have been a bit crazy, it's a path we've chosen that we can't really turn back on at this point without shaking up what we have or being untrue to our feelings. So I'm in this weird position where I am consciously choosing to invest in something that I can't be certain is solid but I don't want to go back. And that investment means months of uncertainty and stress lie ahead. So far I love everything about him -- he's really smart, gorgeous, assertive, driven, has a strong moral framework, and most importantly he's supportive and nurturing. He scores as a INFJ and pretty much fits the description to a t but with more alpha and feistiness mixed in. I can't even begin to express how much I care about him without going into seriously cheesy territory. I woke up tonight with a knot in my stomach almost on the verge of tears, and I couldn't figure out what was up. And I realized I'm just really lonely and I miss him so much. It's like I just want to reach out and touch my boyfriend and he's not there. I really, really worry about his health too. Constantly. And it's so hard to be across the country and never know if he's OK. He's only in his twenties but he has a serious condition that keeps him up at night gasping for air (but wasn't a problem until a few months ago). Fortunately it's fully correctable with this surgery, but I still worry. On top of that he has another unrelated health issue that he's getting a minor surgery on tomorrow (also fully correctable). You'd never know by looking at him because he's very fit, but I keep worrying something terrible will happen to him. Tonight when we were talking I could tell he was down and he told me it's because of the health stuff. He doesn't like to talk about it with me, because it makes him feel weak, but I've gotten him to open up a bit more about it. I wanted so much to hold him, but I felt kind of helpless to comfort him because there isn't much I can do from a distance. He's always extremely supportive and sweet whenever he senses I'm stressed out, but the last thing I want to do is over rely on him since he has so much stress to deal with of his own. And I really want to be there for him with his heath stuff, but I don't know how since he seems uncomfortable when he talks about it and I think it makes him feel weak to be taken care of. I guess I'm not really sure what I'm looking for with this thread. Maybe just some advice on how to handle the stress of the situation and how to give him better support.
zengirl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) The only thing I'll address is how to give him better support -- think of the word support for a minute, as in theater. Someone who is the 'scene support' follows the cue of the others in the scene; they're just there to help. People in interpersonal relationships often try to get all proactive and overboard with support, which I think is not really what support is meant to be. It's meant to be help. So, if you want to support someone: all you have to do is help them and listen to what they say they need (granted, people don't always tell the truth or know, but in most cases they appreciate it if you give them what they've told you they need; especially men who usually don't have a "Please read my mind!" complex). Does he have anyone where he lives that you could be in contact with while he's going through surgery (a friend or family member he could connect you to)? Building those contact bridges sometimes helps. As to how to manage the stress of such an LDR, I can't say because stress is a personal reaction in your own brain. Since you can't fix the problem that is causing you stress; you have to figure out what ways you normally manage stress. For me, it's meditation, exercise, friends, and mindfulness. Everyone has different things. You cannot "fix" the cause of the stress with what you've written (you've decided to continue your course even though it causes you stress and probably will---I'm not criticizing that just stating it; something causing stress isn't always a bad thing); all you can choose to do is either find a way for it not to stress you out or to deal with it/manage it. ETA: Personally, I'd try to eliminate worry, but I don't know that you'd be open to that because it's difficult and requires being present, happy, and optimistic. I refuse to worry---if I can't change or impact something, I accept it, and if I can, I do. Worry is living in potential futures, usually bad, of your own creation. Noticing something you can do better/change/need to do/etc is fine, and that's sometimes the beginning of worry, but most of the time worry is just spinning yourself emotionally in circles. It's very addictive, though. It's like modern day mind crack. Edited August 18, 2011 by zengirl
Kamille Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I notice a lot of sentences in your OP where you find reasons to justify your stress. I'm left wondering to what extent you might suffer from anxiety? I struggle with it and it used to be that I would first feel anxious and then find reasons for why I felt anxious, thus perpetuating the anxiety. Anxiety keeps you engaged with the object of your thoughts. As such, it offers its own rewards. You have found a new relationship that is unique and that fulfills you. You have limited contact with the object of your affection, yet likely are in the infatuation phase, when you think about him all the time. Yet, because of the limited contact, there likely isn't much to think about other than "he's awesome". Therefore, anxiety kicks in and makes you look for stressors so that you can continue to think about him, in a way that stirs up your emotions, if negatively, as much as talking to him does. I'm not saying there aren't stressful elements in your relationship, but you have no control over many of them. It's therefore important to distinguish genuine care and concern from obsessive anxious thought patterns. Are you using anxiety to stay emotionally engaged, but to the detriment of your relationship (and your capacity to stay strong in your relationship)? Managing anxiety is a key component of managing a relationship, be it LDR or not.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 I notice a lot of sentences in your OP where you find reasons to justify your stress. I'm left wondering to what extent you might suffer from anxiety? I struggle with it and it used to be that I would first feel anxious and then find reasons for why I felt anxious, thus perpetuating the anxiety. Anxiety keeps you engaged with the object of your thoughts. As such, it offers its own rewards. You have found a new relationship that is unique and that fulfills you. You have limited contact with the object of your affection, yet likely are in the infatuation phase, when you think about him all the time. Yet, because of the limited contact, there likely isn't much to think about other than "he's awesome". Therefore, anxiety kicks in and makes you look for stressors so that you can continue to think about him, in a way that stirs up your emotions, if negatively, as much as talking to him does. I'm not saying there aren't stressful elements in your relationship, but you have no control over many of them. It's therefore important to distinguish genuine care and concern from obsessive anxious thought patterns. Are you using anxiety to stay emotionally engaged, but to the detriment of your relationship (and your capacity to stay strong in your relationship)? Managing anxiety is a key component of managing a relationship, be it LDR or not. Hmm. I think you're probably right. I naturally have an overactive mind, so I probably look for things to worry about even when there aren't any. And because being with him isn't an option right now, it's like my mind is looking for ways to engage. It's probably not worth it to let myself worry at this point, because there isn't anything in my control to really worry about. I feel like I just had an 'aha' moment.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) The only thing I'll address is how to give him better support -- think of the word support for a minute, as in theater. Someone who is the 'scene support' follows the cue of the others in the scene; they're just there to help. People in interpersonal relationships often try to get all proactive and overboard with support, which I think is not really what support is meant to be. It's meant to be help. So, if you want to support someone: all you have to do is help them and listen to what they say they need (granted, people don't always tell the truth or know, but in most cases they appreciate it if you give them what they've told you they need; especially men who usually don't have a "Please read my mind!" complex). I tend to get anxious when I am unable to help somebody I care about. It's almost as if I feel like their happiness is my responsibility, which I know is a bad path to go down. I need to remind myself to stop trying to control things that I can't. ETA: Personally, I'd try to eliminate worry, but I don't know that you'd be open to that because it's difficult and requires being present, happy, and optimistic. I refuse to worry---if I can't change or impact something, I accept it, and if I can, I do. Worry is living in potential futures, usually bad, of your own creation. Noticing something you can do better/change/need to do/etc is fine, and that's sometimes the beginning of worry, but most of the time worry is just spinning yourself emotionally in circles. It's very addictive, though. It's like modern day mind crack. Yes, this is something I also want to master. I used to be way worse, but I still struggle with being a worry-wart at times (it seems to run in my family). The last thing I want is for it to mess with this budding new relationship. I was having a discussion with my mother about this recently and she made a good point. I was saying to her I like to prepare myself for the worst case scenario because then I won't fall as hard if something disappoints me. She said that you'll be more resilient if you only imagine good things lie ahead, even if that's counterintuitive. She used the visual analogy of a tree that is half broken, swinging near the ground and then gets knocked down by a storm vs. a tree that is strong and upright and gets hit by the same storm. That made a lot of sense to me. Edited August 19, 2011 by torn_curtain
Star Gazer Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Well, I was once "involved" with someone I met in a forum (ahem), and we didn't get anywhere near where you are - no exusivity, no titles, no declarations of love... And you know what? If he were having serious surgery, I would have been there for it. Full stop. Can you do the same?
Author torn_curtain Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Well, I was once "involved" with someone I met in a forum (ahem), and we didn't get anywhere near where you are - no exusivity, no titles, no declarations of love... And you know what? If he were having serious surgery, I would have been there for it. Full stop. Can you do the same? I offered to fly in to be there for his surgery but he told me he didn't want me to. He hates the idea of me seeing him in such a weak state.
Star Gazer Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I offered to fly in to be there for his surgery but he told me he didn't want me to. He hates the idea of me seeing him in such a weak state. Does he understand that if your relationship is going to last the long haul, you're both going to see each other in weak states? Both physically and emotionally? You're committed, you're ostensibly in love with each other... Where does his wall come from?
Kamille Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I offered to fly in to be there for his surgery but he told me he didn't want me to. He hates the idea of me seeing him in such a weak state. I understand that. It would be your first meeting, so he likely wants to have energy and be able to show you around. I'm glad my former post helped.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Does he understand that if your relationship is going to last the long haul, you're both going to see each other in weak states? Both physically and emotionally? You're committed, you're ostensibly in love with each other... Where does his wall come from? This is the only area where he has a bit of a wall up, and it's starting to come down. He shares everything else with me, weak and strong. You have to remember that he's never been this open with anybody and he has some trust issues from having his privacy invaded growing up, so it's a huge adjustment for him. For the most part that adjustment has been totally organic and something we've both welcomed, but it's not going to happen all at once. I also think a lot of men get weird when they feel physically weak, even with their SO. I can sort of understand where he's coming from. If I were having surgery I probably wouldn't want the first time I met him to be while I was lying in a hospital bed. If anything, that would just add to my stress. I think it'd be very different if we'd already met, because there would be less added stress on top of the stress of being in surgery.
Star Gazer Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I didn't mean to suggest meeting him in a hospital bed. I envisioned a scenario where you'd meet him outside of the hospital, pre-surgery, and then be there for him when he's actually going through and recovering from the whole thing.
John Michael Kane Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Well, I was once "involved" with someone I met in a forum (ahem), and we didn't get anywhere near where you are - no exusivity, no titles, no declarations of love... And you know what? If he were having serious surgery, I would have been there for it. Full stop. Can you do the same? And what if he had a girlfriend and you knew he had one? Would you still have gone to see him?
Star Gazer Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 And what if he had a girlfriend and you knew he had one? Would you still have gone to see him? Huh? That wasn't the case with the two of us. What does that have to do with anything? Does TC's BF have a GF???
John Michael Kane Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Huh? That wasn't the case with the two of us. Really? What does that have to do with anything?My point is why go to see someone who you don't really know and haven't met in real life? OP I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.
Star Gazer Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Really? Yes, really. If USMCHokie had a girlfriend when we were "involved" (which I REALLY don't think he did, he's not that type), I certainly didn't know about it. My point is why go to see someone who you don't really know and haven't met in real life?. Can you not care about someone you've yet to touch in the flesh? I met two women on another forum (separately), and met them in person, obviously as platonic friends. One became a great mentor, and another is now a dear friend despite living on an island in the middle of the Pacific. Are you suggesting you never meet someone you first interact with online, regardless of how that interaction comes to be?
John Michael Kane Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Yes, really. If USMCHokie had a girlfriend when we were "involved" (which I REALLY don't think he did, he's not that type), I certainly didn't know about it. Can you not care about someone you've yet to touch in the flesh? I met two women on another forum (separately), and met them in person, obviously as platonic friends. One became a great mentor, and another is now a dear friend despite living on an island in the middle of the Pacific. Are you suggesting you never meet someone you first interact with online, regardless of how that interaction comes to be? I don't know. I will be honest, sometimes I would like to meet some people I interact with online but I still fear for my safety.
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