Mystery Man Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Hi all, Sorry for the provocative title. Don't mean to offend anyone. We all know that some people want a relationship at any cost, right? A couple of months ago I met a very nice, 33 year old lady through my social circles. This is my first "LTR-worthy" partner in the last 18 months. Everything has been moving along fine. We have fun, great adventures in bed, similar interests and she treats me like i was royal or something. Absolutely great! The only thing that concerns me is some information I've managed to gather about her from my friends. She has a history of falling madly in love with men. Really falling for the fast and hard. And then everything is fine until they dump her. I know of five of these stories from the last two years. It don't bother me per se, but how do I know that she really want a relationship with ME and that I'm not just "the guy who wanted a relationship so I'll stick to him". She's been moving along really fast and says she already knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I should be flattered but I'm really more concerned. Any tips?
johan Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I would think that if she bursts into tears after she asks you if you want to have a good time, then you've found the emotional whore.
bluenightowl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Hi all, Sorry for the provocative title. Don't mean to offend anyone. We all know that some people want a relationship at any cost, right? A couple of months ago I met a very nice, 33 year old lady through my social circles. This is my first "LTR-worthy" partner in the last 18 months. Everything has been moving along fine. We have fun, great adventures in bed, similar interests and she treats me like i was royal or something. Absolutely great! The only thing that concerns me is some information I've managed to gather about her from my friends. She has a history of falling madly in love with men. Really falling for the fast and hard. And then everything is fine until they dump her. I know of five of these stories from the last two years. It don't bother me per se, but how do I know that she really want a relationship with ME and that I'm not just "the guy who wanted a relationship so I'll stick to him". She's been moving along really fast and says she already knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I should be flattered but I'm really more concerned. Any tips? she sounds emotional, but why not then try to slow things down and see how she reacts. You are not sure she is right for you clearly, so just wait to see.
Author Mystery Man Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 she sounds emotional, but why not then try to slow things down and see how she reacts. You are not sure she is right for you clearly, so just wait to see. Thank's for your reply! You are correct...I should take things slow but that also means wasting time I don't want to waste...
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) I'm having a hard time seeing the problem here... most people get upset when they are dumped. I've had my concerns about men who have a history of falling fast too... but I wouldn't accept second hand advice, rumor, or innuendo as an excuse to think less of someone. It sounds like you are looking for some reasons not to 'fall' yourself. Which is fine. But why don't you talk to her yourself?? Ask about her past relationships and vice versa. Isn't that part of getting to know someone? or are you just having too much fun in bed to risk having a real conversation... oh... and if I was seeing someone who would rather dig up dirt and talk trash about me behind my back to his friends instead of ask me face to face... that would probably end it for me right there... or put serious brakes on it. Edited August 18, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife
2sunny Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 i think it is cruel that you talk about her and gather info about her from other people. talk directly to HER! otherwise you are going off of gossip. see what she tells you. determine how fast or slow you intend to go from what SHE says. i get concerned when people sleep together before they even understand the person they intend to sleep with - you obviously don't even KNOW who she is - since you have been unwilling to ask her for her truth. start talking - getting to know HER... instead of just getting connected physically.
Kamille Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I understand the concern. I do know women who care more about being in a relationship than who the relationship partner is, and probably have been one of those women myself. Usually, problems show up between the 3-6th months of the relationship, when the initial infatuation phase fades and the partners are left dealing with each other. What I would suggest is that you try not to worry about this, all while paying attention to how you two resolve conflicts. When resolving conflicts, does she show care and concern for you, want to hear what you have to say? If so, then I would say she's making you the priority.
sally4sara Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 How to spot one? Well, usually they gravitate to dating how to books and pick up formulas. They are prone to boxing people into categories or use some number system for rating. They need groups of loosely gather peers to share their dating war stories with and to pat them on the back for treating real people like accessories. And they often talk about the gender they are sexually attracted to like they are a completely different species. They like shows that glamorize the persona they hope to emulate. And when a relationship doesn't turn out the way they hoped - they get angry and take it out on the next few people that make the mistake of taking an interest in them. They are constantly worried about the inner thoughts of the people they date but would never trust them enough to just ask what they want to know. Instead they assume and run with those assumptions, playing games until the whole thing blows up in their lap. And the weirdest part of it all is that most of what happens in their relationships that upset them isn't even about what went down but rather how what went down made them look to others of their gender.
dispatch3d Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 you've found a girl who really likes her boyfriends. Boy that sounds awful.
Kamille Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 How to spot one? Well, usually they gravitate to dating how to books and pick up formulas. They are prone to boxing people into categories or use some number system for rating. They need groups of loosely gather peers to share their dating war stories with and to pat them on the back for treating real people like accessories. And they often talk about the gender they are sexually attracted to like they are a completely different species. They like shows that glamorize the persona they hope to emulate. And when a relationship doesn't turn out the way they hoped - they get angry and take it out on the next few people that make the mistake of taking an interest in them. They are constantly worried about the inner thoughts of the people they date but would never trust them enough to just ask what they want to know. Instead they assume and run with those assumptions, playing games until the whole thing blows up in their lap. And the weirdest part of it all is that most of what happens in their relationships that upset them isn't even about what went down but rather how what went down made them look to others of their gender. So, you really despised Sex and the City, didn't you?
sally4sara Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 So, you really despised Sex and the City, didn't you? And PU Artists.
sally4sara Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Sex & the City is utter utter sh*t So are PU Artists.
Kamille Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 They don't appear randomly in my home. Funny, PU appear in my home. They usually show up when I'm surfing on Loveshack.
carhill Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Any tips? What you've described, to me, is emotionally needy, or perhaps immature, maybe trending to unstable, but unlike any emotional vampire I've ever encountered. Vampires are about ambiguity and innuendo; mixed signals; scenarios. They titillate with sex but sex isn't their primary meal, rather validation and gratification. Their love bank is vacuous and they hoover deposits from whomever they can snare. What you describe, to me, would be exemplified by the romantic exploits of someone like Liz Taylor, well-known to be compulsively romantic and was married eight times, twice to Richard Burton, and was linked to a few affairs. Someone mentioned conflict. Yep, that's a silver bullet to an emotional vampire. Hit them with some boundaries and a little conflict and they move on to the next meal. BTDT, many times. My advice? Move at *your* pace, mindful of being empathetic to her feelings. If you're compatible, you'll catch up a bit and she'll slow down a bit and you'll find intellectual and spiritual synergy. If not, not. For now, go with the flow and resist too much analysis. Live. Good luck.
johan Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Funny, PU appear in my home. They usually show up when I'm surfing on Loveshack. Hey, there, cutie.
Kamille Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Hey, there, cutie. Point proven - but not the PU one. If a man knows how to joke with women, he definitely gets more options.
zengirl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 She's been moving along really fast and says she already knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I should be flattered but I'm really more concerned. Any tips? Slow down. That would be a red flag for me, in a fella, if it's early. Spend the rest of your life? When you just met? But it really decides on the context. Just really liking you and things being awesome is good. This is the only thing that stands out super problematic to me. But everything can be solved and eventually (over time) known by just slowing things down. If slowing things down freaks her out (as long as you're not being weird or withdrawn), then she's very likely an attention whore. How to spot one? Well, usually they gravitate to dating how to books and pick up formulas. They are prone to boxing people into categories or use some number system for rating. They need groups of loosely gather peers to share their dating war stories with and to pat them on the back for treating real people like accessories. And they often talk about the gender they are sexually attracted to like they are a completely different species. They like shows that glamorize the persona they hope to emulate. And when a relationship doesn't turn out the way they hoped - they get angry and take it out on the next few people that make the mistake of taking an interest in them. They are constantly worried about the inner thoughts of the people they date but would never trust them enough to just ask what they want to know. Instead they assume and run with those assumptions, playing games until the whole thing blows up in their lap. And the weirdest part of it all is that most of what happens in their relationships that upset them isn't even about what went down but rather how what went down made them look to others of their gender. Pretty good list. The part I think is the most true is the bolded. Though I enjoyed SaTC for what it was: an absurd excuse to gather with my GFs in college (this was towards the end of the run) and for TV and wine and laugh at these pitifully unhappy women. Sometimes, it was funny. But darn if they weren't all terrible human beings half the time, and Carrie was the worst.
carhill Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 If a man knows how to joke with women, he definitely gets more options. For sure, and those options include emotional vampires. In fact, I think intrinsically friendly men, as opposed to those who pursue women primarily for sex, are more likely to become prey to the vampire, simply because vampires titillate the noodle to suck the ego gratification, leaving it often void of satisfaction. The sexual men won't have any of that, so they quickly move on to more 'fertile' grounds. The most practiced of the vampires I've encountered have created the environment of seeming intimacy and rapport, of 'getting' my humor and 'feeling' our 'connection'. They're true pros at what they do. In some ways I admire them. Pure pragmatism. I don't feel the OP's partner is amongst them.
Author Mystery Man Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Thank you all who has replied, especially Kamille and Carhill. I do think that a couple of replies were rather harsh. If a woman posted the same question I think other women would have screamed "Red Flag! and Dump him!" immediately. I want to give her a chance because she's got a lot going for her. But can't ignore the warning signs. She's definitely not an emotional vampire as described above, I rather think that she's either in love with love itself or afraid of being lonely.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Thank you all who has replied, especially Kamille and Carhill. I do think that a couple of replies were rather harsh. If a woman posted the same question I think other women would have screamed "Red Flag! and Dump him!" immediately. I want to give her a chance because she's got a lot going for her. But can't ignore the warning signs. She's definitely not an emotional vampire as described above, I rather think that she's either in love with love itself or afraid of being lonely. I dunno about that... We've recommended you slow down and get your information first hand. Doesn't seem too harsh... Some people like 'romance' more than others. Most people don't like being lonely. Seems like things are just moving a bit too quickly, that's all.
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