Ex-Girlfriend

[987]

OK I am really confused and need some advice. I had a long-term relationship for nearly four years during college... I regretted the break-up, but we argued a lot and she was still in college while I started working full-time. The late nights from starting a career created fights and she kept breaking up with me just to get back together the next day. One time I just couldn't take it anymore and I didn't take her back... I met someone else, got married, and my ex and I continued to stay friends to a degree - basically bi-annual calls on birthdays and at Christmas. We'd talk maybe an hour and move on. We never talked about "us", but how our lives had been going individually and catch up on eachother. When I got divorced, I moved across country and that was about a year ago and a half ago. She also got married and divorced nearly at the same times I did, for the same reason of infidelity from our spouses. We became closer friends after the respective divorces, even though we were a thousand miles away. We even visited eachother several times and we never had an physical relationship since our initial break-up - nothing at all, merely friends, up until now.

 

So I lived 1000 miles away from the time of my divorce until now and that's been about a year and a half. I got relocated BACK to the same CITY that we lived in before. We started hanging out a few times a week... she met my friends, I met her's, genually we were friends. I had feelings, but she told me a few months ago that she wasn't interested in that way. I moved on and started daying others - I didn't dwell on it, but this was before I moved back, too. So now we hang out a lot and she cooked dinner one night two-weeks ago and we ended up having sex several times that night and a few times a week since. The next morning I asked where that put us, and she said she didn't want a relationship, but wanted me to sleep with her - friends with benefits. That has been going on now for a few weeks and I don't get where she is going... she says she doesn't want a relationship, but we "act" like we are... now she is asking me to just "stay the night" even if we aren't intimate. I have stayed with her the last week straight - we cuddle and watch movies until we fall asleep, she kisses me when I get there and when I leave, but "doesn't want a relationship"? I don't think she is being honest with herself or me. I stopped calling her two days ago and haven't heard from her since. Should I just stop talking to her? The most troubling part is that we are really good friends... in fact she introduces me to her friends as her "best friend" (i know it's a bit childish, but it is what it is). Also, when drinking she does say "boy/slash/friend" ... what ever that means... I have always viewed her as the one relationship regret, even through all these years. I would like to work things out with her and I don't want to ruin it with friends with benefits.

Other details - it's been 7 years since we broke up. We are both very successful for our age in our careers. She jokes around about how she broke up with me for working too much and now she does the same thing.

Edited August 18, 2011 by 987

[Finch]

I see a couple of possibilities. She could just be worried about putting a label on things because she's concerned that becoming established (or, in this case, re-established) as a couple is going to change the dynamic the two of you have. But since you're sleeping together and you've been staying at her home the dynamic is already changing.

Or she could be using you as back-up until someone else comes along, because she knows you and is comfortable with you. Perhaps she hasn't changed or matured as much as you might think from seven years ago: you mention that in college it was break up one day, get back together the next. Now it's that she's happy to be with you alone, but publicly is making sure people know you're not a couple.

 

I think ultimately you are going to have to decide that you want, and talk to her about it. It doesn't sound like you are satisfied with have a friends with benefits type of relationship, so you are eventually going to need to find out if this is really all she wants, or whether there's the possibility of something more. If there isn't, then you can move on knowing that you gave it another shot.

From what you've written it sounds like you've been carrying a torch for her for a long time. Sometimes keeping in touch with an ex keeps a false hope alive where there shouldn't be one. Years apart, but staying friends can sometimes cause people to begin to look back on the relationship with rose-coloured glasses, and begin to feel that they might have lost something "really special" when that relationship ended. It can stop you from fully moving on, because no matter what other relationship you enter into, the other person is always there, waiting at the back of your mind. This isn't always the case, but it's food for thought.