bluenightowl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 If you have dated someone 4-6 dates lets say and she is recently out of a very long term relationship. You have been intimate once. You get along well. You generally prefer to date one person at a time when things start to get sexual, but not before. Would you as a male: a) play it cool, date other women and just ride out the uncertainty, and also knowing she might be waiting for a bigger better deal, or dating and possibly getting intimate with other men. b) confront her and see if she just wants to date you, but knowing she might not know what she wants or wants to wait for a bigger better deal. If she says no, at this point suggest taking a break until she knows but not closing the door entirely. Basically walking away and leaving it to her to contact you. Then get busy dating other woman. Which is the more sound path? Both seems like a good path. a) just playing it cool, and b) demonstrating what one wants and sticking to some general boundaries. I'm also interested to know how females might handle a similar situation.
thatone Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 not gonna turn down sex i can get on a regular basis, so in that respect, A). not gonna put any effort into someone who agrees to sex then retreats, either, though, so in that respect, B). booty call status if she starts to back off after sex, if she gets pissy about that, adios. either way, the relationship potential is gone.
Casablanca Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 It depends on what you want at that time...it is hard to just say A, B or C...if you want to be exclusive, bring it up...if not, just go with the flow
iJester Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Stop initiating with her, but continue to see her while you date around.
Cypress25 Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I think you've asked this question before. If you want to be exclusive with her, then tell her that. Both of your options are lame because they both involve you trying to guess what she's thinking. Instead, try communicating with her like an adult. You might find out that she would happily be exclusive with you, and then you wouldn't have to play these guessing games.
DeusExMachina Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Hummm... reading this I would swear you are describing my current situation. I did a mix of the 2... I told her my feelings but I have not pressed her for hers and I'm trying with all my being to play it cool(having a hard time with that part ) I think trying to pressure someone that is just out of a long term relationship is the worse thing to do. I know a few of the dates I had got too attached too fast it was for me an instant deal breaker. I considered playing it cool and to continue dating other ppl, but I found dating while still interested in another women made the dates seem like a choir. I really didn't want to waste my time and money doing something I didn't want to do, plus it is not really fair to the to other girl who is looking for a relationship. That is how i came to the decision to focus on my interest. I'm trying my best to not to pressure and wait...
Author bluenightowl Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 I think you've asked this question before. If you want to be exclusive with her, then tell her that. Both of your options are lame because they both involve you trying to guess what she's thinking. Instead, try communicating with her like an adult. You might find out that she would happily be exclusive with you, and then you wouldn't have to play these guessing games. actually the second option is just what you describe is it not? - confront her and see if she just wants to date you.. perhaps the missing part is confront her about what one wants and then see if she feels the same way.
Pierre Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Dating someone that has ended a long relationship can backfired. You could be the rebound person. IN any event, don't play games or follow rules. I fully agree with the concept of only dating one person at a time and see nothing wrong with that. I cannot multitask and in that sense i am similar to you. Just explain to her you cannot multitask and if it is OK will only date her. Do not imply you are too intense. Simply tell her you cannot dilute yourself in that manner.
carhill Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 My style is to be exclusive and monogamous *before* penis meets vagina. So, in your scenario, OP, I would have stated my preference prior to any sexual activity and, if the lady wasn't on the same page, it wouldn't have happened. Wetting one's noodle isn't the be-all and end-all of existence in my style, which would impel me in your circumstance to employ mode B, though not as 'confrontation', rather a calm sharing of my 'style' of dating and relationships and asking her how she felt about it.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Dating someone that has ended a long relationship can backfired. You could be the rebound person. IN any event, don't play games or follow rules. I fully agree with the concept of only dating one person at a time and see nothing wrong with that. I cannot multitask and in that sense i am similar to you. Just explain to her you cannot multitask and if it is OK will only date her. Do not imply you are too intense. Simply tell her you cannot dilute yourself in that manner. I think the issue often brought up is the fine line between pressuring someone who is just out of a LTR, and standing by your interests. To communicate what you now want without implying pressure to them seems to be the more difficult part.
Emilia Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I think the issue often brought up is the fine line between pressuring someone who is just out of a LTR, and standing by your interests. To communicate what you now want without implying pressure to them seems to be the more difficult part. It's not pressuring if you mention what it is that you are looking for. You can't expect the other person to read your mind. You have spent enough time with her to decide whether you want to continue seeing her. I think stating that you definitely want exclusivity and would like to keep enjoying her company is not pressure because you have spent enough time together for her to be comfortable with you. If she sees it as pressure now, she would likely be in the same position 3 months down the line
Author bluenightowl Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 I told her my feelings but I have not pressed her for hers and I'm trying with all my being to play it cool(having a hard time with that part ) I think trying to pressure someone that is just out of a long term relationship is the worse thing to do. I know a few of the dates I had got too attached too fast it was for me an instant deal breaker. I considered playing it cool and to continue dating other ppl, but I found dating while still interested in another women made the dates seem like a choir. I really didn't want to waste my time and money doing something I didn't want to do, plus it is not really fair to the to other girl who is looking for a relationship. That is how i came to the decision to focus on my interest. I'm trying my best to not to pressure and wait... Personally I think its best to play it cool at the beginning stages and maybe all the time. However if you are going to communicate then my sense is to be prepared to walk away in a gracious manner and maybe later she might change her mind after exploring a bit more. You would be giving her the space to do what is right for her too. In my case, I would not just share my feelings. I would explain what I'm looking for and if she doesn't feel the same way I would at this point move on. I just get tripped up by the idea of playing it cool versus communication. There seems to be no clear stance on that here in LS. Dating is a dance for sure, otherwise it wouldn't be so much fun!
carhill Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I just get tripped up by the idea of playing it cool versus communication. What's your 'style'? Go with that. Being your natural self is a big part of fostering and determining compatibility, no matter the relationship type.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 It's not pressuring if you mention what it is that you are looking for. You can't expect the other person to read your mind. You have spent enough time with her to decide whether you want to continue seeing her. I think stating that you definitely want exclusivity and would like to keep enjoying her company is not pressure because you have spent enough time together for her to be comfortable with you. If she sees it as pressure now, she would likely be in the same position 3 months down the line Good point. I would also suspect if she were to say that 3 more months down the line, then she/he is simply not interested in you.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 What's your 'style'? Go with that. Being your natural self is a big part of fostering and determining compatibility, no matter the relationship type. Well that's part of why I'm on LS. I think people don't have one style. They have one evolving style that changes as they mature or change. A 20 year old I doubt would act the same at 35 or 55 because of their life experiences. When I came out of a LTR once, I remember dating several women and feeling disappointment at committing so early because we fooled around. As someone who is more ready, I am now more ready to commit in the very same scenario now. So dating styles change all the time. Maybe Ruby_Slippers will change one day too when she meets the right guy and forget about FWB guys. Also, I think there is some attraction people have to the freedom to keep things fun and light, and to be with people like that. I aspire to that principle but it may not be me in the end. I might be in dating style transition as my dating style. I suspect you too carhill have changed over time?
carhill Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 My 'style' of relating to women is pretty much the same as it has always been. I have no problem being my natural self and being alone if that natural self isn't compatible with the potentials which cross my path. Example: Due to lack of a committed and monogamous LTR presenting itself, in retrospect mainly due to an insufficiency of single women in my locale, I remained a virgin into my 30's. Consistency: Since separating, I have remained celibate due to recovering emotionally from divorce and my continuing desire for a healthy committed and monogamous relationship. I'm not saying that is the healthy path for anyone but myself. My point is that you need to own your style and be comfortable with it, even if other people judge you for it or ridicule you for it. They meet their maker in their own unique way, as do you and I. I call this 'loving yourself'. So, if you like 'playing it cool' and 'keeping things mysterious' and 'leaving them guessing', then that's your style, as an example. Own it. If it changes over time and the change feels authentic, healthy and natural, own that.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 My 'style' of relating to women is pretty much the same as it has always been. I have no problem being my natural self and being alone if that natural self isn't compatible with the potentials which cross my path. Example: Due to lack of a committed and monogamous LTR presenting itself, in retrospect mainly due to an insufficiency of single women in my locale, I remained a virgin into my 30's. Consistency: Since separating, I have remained celibate due to recovering emotionally from divorce and my continuing desire for a healthy committed and monogamous relationship. I'm not saying that is the healthy path for anyone but myself. My point is that you need to own your style and be comfortable with it, even if other people judge you for it or ridicule you for it. They meet their maker in their own unique way, as do you and I. I call this 'loving yourself'. So, if you like 'playing it cool' and 'keeping things mysterious' and 'leaving them guessing', then that's your style, as an example. Own it. If it changes over time and the change feels authentic, healthy and natural, own that. I agree with that. Clearly you have taken time to decide what is important to you and are sticking by it as a principle. I think many people on LS are less clear and use this forum as place to bounce around ideas in order to determine what might be their best dating style. I also think there are no absolutes. I've seen people post on these forums that they have a dating style, but then meet someone and go crazy for them. All their rules then don't apply, and they are confused as anyone.
carhill Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Example of a 'change' in style: Prior, in my 20's and into early 30's, I saw sex as the boundary between romantic and platonic relations and, erroneously, didn't see emotional involvement with otherwise attached women as unhealthy or 'wrong'. A couple of painful experiences changed that perspective and, later, MC would put a context to it in clear and unmistakable terms. Hence, since, I've 'changed' my style to reflect the lessons from those experiences and therapy and recognize what LS'ers call 'emotional affairs' for their true impact on individuals and relationships. I've tested this change a couple times since becoming 'available', resisting the advances of married women, even for emotional validation and support. So, my 'style' changed and I'm comfortable with the change so own the change. I've really only gone 'crazy' for a woman once in my life and you can read about her in my journals (in the 'evolution' area). I'll pass on that, though won't dismiss a healthier version of 'crazy' as a possibility. Regardless, the circumstances won't alter my basic 'style'. For sure, if you want to 'get' women, there are formulas. For women, the easiest 'formula' is being available sexually. Getting and keeping are two very different things, hence my advice to be your natural self. Good luck.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 For sure, if you want to 'get' women, there are formulas. For women, the easiest 'formula' is being available sexually. Getting and keeping are two very different things, hence my advice to be your natural self. Good luck. The last part I completely agree. I've met and have been with some incredibly beautiful and smart woman. Getting and keeping are two very different things and I think how one advances early sets the tone. As I discuss here, I realize I'm probably more for a committed relationship type. Better to talk before sex, but its not a problem for me if its later and passion takes over, I'm cool with that, that happens in the passion of the moment. What I'm not cool with is keeping things too casual over the longer term. That starts to head towards FWB but worse without any discussion and someone ends up feeling used. I can't stand this argument of we never talked about it, so we are free to screw whoever we want. Anyone with any sense of care for another already knows this could hurt someone and its really selfish, but perfect for people who want to stay single forever. That said, I actually think FWB is not so bad, because the two partners talk about it. The scenario of people not talking and making too many assumptions is by far the more risky IMHO. If I couldn't care less about someone, I guess I'd keep my mouth shut and screw anyone and everyone as some people seem to advocate on here in less blatant terms.
carhill Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 That said, I actually think FWB is not so bad, because the two partners talk about it. The scenario of people not talking and making too many assumptions is by far the more risky IMHO. If you feel that way, give it a try and see if it fits with your elemental relationship style. If it's comfortable and positive, that; if not, not. My style runs generally counter to modern culture, in that attachment and love promote sexual desire and response, so this necessarily limits the available number of potentials. I'm OK with that. Try FWB and see if you're OK with it. You're thinking about it so IMO it's worth the effort and attention.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 If you feel that way, give it a try and see if it fits with your elemental relationship style. If it's comfortable and positive, that; if not, not. My style runs generally counter to modern culture, in that attachment and love promote sexual desire and response, so this necessarily limits the available number of potentials. I'm OK with that. Try FWB and see if you're OK with it. You're thinking about it so IMO it's worth the effort and attention. No I'm not thinking about FWB. I would just say that even FWB is better than no communication. From what I can tell FWB's type are clear and communicate what they want. They might be misguided, but at least they communicate. Leaving things unsaid is what people here call "playing it cool" and "let's see what happens" after fooling around many times. Of course one of them will become anxious and likely one will get hurt. I guess I answered my own question. I would prefer to communicate and if I get the answer I'm not looking for, I would move on to someone who might be in the line with the same thinking as myself.
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