shortee143 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 The time has come where I am inevitably going to be around me ex AND the new gf this weekend (and from here on out). It has been a hellish expierience being in the same social circle, and I can spare everyone the lengthy details, but he has been insensitive, and had zero empathy towards me since the day we broke up. It has been and still is a hard road being around him for the indefinite future. And as much as I have heard allllll about her (from him, what a nice guy huh), my mind knows they are together etc, all that, I still feel so unprepared for being around it. (I know I know, i dont HAVE to be around it, but I am choosing to maintain some normalcy in my social life, and if they end up together still a 6 mtnhs from now, well I cant avoid it) Now this question might seem silly, but how do I act? I honestly at this point (havent seen him 6 weeks), want to just be like f off, and not say hi to him or her. However, I know he will introduce us. It it going to hurt like hell inside but I am also so angry at him too. I know as a grown adult in her late 20s, I should act like the bigger person, say hello, act pleasant, and mind my p's and q's. But I have been the bigger person, since the day he left me, and I feel like a push over. I feel like if I act nice its like he gets away with his behavior, and it seems like I allowed him to treat me in such a way, when inside I am fuming and hurting so much still. This is something I have to get used to unless I want to miss out on a lot of great events with our friends, but it is going to suck too!!
smudge21 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Try to avoid too much contact - when you have to say hello, be distracted or busy, like there's someone else you about to say hi to. Pretend you have a text or your phone is ringing, anything just to avoid that contact and show that you don't really care either way. You don't want to show anger towards either of them in the same way as you don't want to show any signs of affection for him. A complete sign that you're not bothered, that you've moved on will not only make you feel better, but also make him think, even if he doesn't show it. He may be expecting some kind of response, so don't give it. Oh and when it's all over and you're back home, don't worry about feeling upset or anything like that. It's natural for that to happen, but then again it may not, you may get back feeling great that you took charge. I had to meet my ex and her fiance once and acted just like I always do, life of the party and centre of attention. I got along with them both and she made it clear she wanted to spend the time with me. When I left I felt great and had a great day afterwards. Do the same, don't show them anything. You're better than him.
danceallday Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 At least you know about it. My douchebag ex had a whole parallel relationship going for almost a year. Found out about it when she emailed me FML. Be a lady. Be the bigger person. Be polite and tell your friends to rescue you if you get in a super uncomfortable situation. Good luck.
D-Lish Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 That's a tough one, I don't know how I would handle that- knowing me, I'd probably cave! You're brave. I would be cordial initially and then spend the rest of the evening on the other side of the party. Make sure you put on your best actress face and act like you're the happiest person in the room;)
wilsonx Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Now this question might seem silly, but how do I act? I honestly at this point (havent seen him 6 weeks), want to just be like f off, and not say hi to him or her. However, I know he will introduce us. It it going to hurt like hell inside but I am also so angry at him too. I know as a grown adult in her late 20s, I should act like the bigger person, say hello, act pleasant, and mind my p's and q's. But I have been the bigger person, since the day he left me, and I feel like a push over. I feel like if I act nice its like he gets away with his behavior, and it seems like I allowed him to treat me in such a way, when inside I am fuming and hurting so much still. This is something I have to get used to unless I want to miss out on a lot of great events with our friends, but it is going to suck too!! You actually don't have to say anything to him. If he talks to you or introduces you to his new gf just walk away. You do not have to be cordial. Just pretend like he doesn't exist. You do not owe him anything. Have fun. If you were indifferent, you really wouldn't care if he talked to you. You would just be bored and walk away. You can do that now. It will actually bother him a lot if you pretend like he doesnt exist.
D-Lish Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 You actually don't have to say anything to him. If he talks to you or introduces you to his new gf just walk away. You do not have to be cordial. Just pretend like he doesn't exist. You do not owe him anything. Have fun. If you were indifferent, you really wouldn't care if he talked to you. You would just be bored and walk away. You can do that now. It will actually bother him a lot if you pretend like he doesnt exist. I think she has to acknowledge them and be cordial initially (points if she's sugary sweet upon meeting the new gf).... Then she can walk away and have a good time and ignore them. If she is obvious in ignoring them it will become obvious to everyone that she is still affected by him- and me personally, I'd never give a guy that satisfaction.
wilsonx Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 (edited) If she is obvious in ignoring them it will become obvious to everyone that she is still affected by him- and me personally, I'd never give a guy that satisfaction. We tell people all the time, it doesn't matter what other people think. Example when we suggest that they block / remove ex's from facebook . They use the same reply that you just used. Honestly it doesn't not matter what the other people think, nor the ex thinks. Its about whats best for the person. She says she doesn't want to say hi, guess what she doesn't. Her friends will understand. And the ex, f him. You know what, if you ever been around 2 ex's before, the dumper is actually more hurt if the dumpee straight ignores them and pretends like they dont exist. I see it all the time with my friends. Edited August 19, 2011 by wilsonx
Yuzuki Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Exactly, don't worry about what other people (including your ex) think. It's already hard enough to make things as painless as possible for yourself, you shouldn't have to also take other people into account. I work with my ex and I've been buying a sandwich and then getting the hell out of the canteen for a few weeks now. I used to have a hot meal there and stay for like 45 minutes. I know it must be quite obvious why I am doing this and some might think it's a sign of weakness or being affected by him, but frankly, I don't care. This is about me.
D-Lish Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 We tell people all the time, it doesn't matter what other people think. Example when we suggest that they block / remove ex's from facebook . They use the same reply that you just used. Honestly it doesn't not matter what the other people think, nor the ex thinks. Its about whats best for the person. She says she doesn't want to say hi, guess what she doesn't. Her friends will understand. And the ex, f him. You know what, if you ever been around 2 ex's before, the dumper is actually more hurt if the dumpee straight ignores them and pretends like they dont exist. I see it all the time with my friends. Sorry I don't agree with you on this one... They share a close knit friend group, so how this meeting is handled is important in the long run. With all due respect, the entire friend group is going to be watching this first interaction- the way for her to handle herself with dignity is to take the high road- say hello, then go off and act unaffected for the rest of the night. My exH cheated on me with another woman and got her pregnant, I ran into him, his family- the son he created while he was with me and her clearly being pregant with another one. We walked right into one another at a mall shopping at x-mas. We had an awkward introduction- I grasped her hand, shook it, said hello to the little guy that was concieved while I was still married to him and did it all with smiles and congratulations on the new baby on the way. In the next few days I got texts and FB messages from everyone involved telling me how gracious and mature I was. It felt good. Even my exH texted me immediately afterward telling me that his new wife thought I was a gracious and kind woman. Guess what? It felt like crap to see it, but I was never going to give any of them the satisfaction of knowing it. I came out looking like the better person, even though the whole situation made me feel like a piece of crap and I went home and bawled afterward. If she goes to this party and ignores the reality of the situation when she will have to face it over and over throughout the years - it's going to make for an uncomfortable social situation FOR HER- not for him, but for HER. She should set the precedence NOW and be the bigger person. Her friends will respect her for it and he'll be the one that continues to look like the a$$. All she needs to do is say hello, acknowledge, then go through the rest of the night pretending to be unaffected (even though she is). It's called taking the high road, and it's a hard thing to do initially, but it has its rewards.
Author shortee143 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 thank you all so much for the input here. In my "real life" world, I dont have any friends who have had to deal with such a thing, so I couldnt figure out how to approach this. It sucks big time. I appreciate both sides...(to ignore versus be cordial). I want to ignore, but as mentioned, I worry it'll set a sour tone. I dont give a hoot about my ex in terms of regard for his feelings, but ignoring him might give off the vibe that I am too immature and effected by it all...however, as said as well, I dont owe him a darn thing. I dont want to be the bigger person anymore, but have been told very often is is better in situations similar to these to still do so, and give no reaction. I am def going to have to fight a lot of emotions inside me that is for sure. I think my tentative plan will be to say hi if approached, bc i am not going out of my way to say a thing, say hi, then DONE. Distance the rest of the time. Do i want to say hi and be nice to him/her?? No way, i want to tell him to f off, and tell her he is a snake and all the things he has done to me post breakup! But perhaps that will make me look bad, and as much as I shouldnt care what he/she thinks, I do have to be around this a lot, and my whole social group as well. But, it is going to be so hard, I cant wait for the pit of hurt I feel in my stomach to go away. This shouldnt be so complicated, but alas, it is with so many emotions involved. I know a lot of ppl hate the idea of possibly never seeing an ex again, but I think that is a lovely thing! hah
smudge21 Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I just think that after the day is over, and you're home alone or whatever you will look back on how things went. If you ignored him and clearly showed everyone that it was still affecting you then that seems to give him the power. Whereas being polite and suprising everyone with how calm you are, gives you some of that power back. Put it another way - say in a few months time, you're over him and dating someone else. You're happy and couldn't care less about him. Now you all meet up again, similar situation. You'd love to have some reaction from him, see him squirm a little when he sees how happy you are and what he's missing. Maybe even see him run off looking upset. But instead he comes over all nice and kind, makes friends with your new guy and then leaves happily. How do you feel? Who do you think has won that round? Okay, I know it's not a game, but I'm just trying to make a point. The thing is you have to do whatever is best for you. Why not just go with a clear head and see how you feel - don't make plans to do anything. Just take on board what we've all said and decide there and then... ... it's either that or get totally drunk and start dancing with everyone! I feel sometimes a Peter Griffin moment is the only way.
Author shortee143 Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 I just think that after the day is over, and you're home alone or whatever you will look back on how things went. If you ignored him and clearly showed everyone that it was still affecting you then that seems to give him the power. Whereas being polite and suprising everyone with how calm you are, gives you some of that power back. Put it another way - say in a few months time, you're over him and dating someone else. You're happy and couldn't care less about him. Now you all meet up again, similar situation. You'd love to have some reaction from him, see him squirm a little when he sees how happy you are and what he's missing. Maybe even see him run off looking upset. But instead he comes over all nice and kind, makes friends with your new guy and then leaves happily. How do you feel? Who do you think has won that round? Okay, I know it's not a game, but I'm just trying to make a point. The thing is you have to do whatever is best for you. Why not just go with a clear head and see how you feel - don't make plans to do anything. Just take on board what we've all said and decide there and then... ... it's either that or get totally drunk and start dancing with everyone! I feel sometimes a Peter Griffin moment is the only way. thanks! I do always try to "plan" out every time I see him how to act- never goes as planned hah, so you are right. Go in with a clear head, at least I am prepared, and know all about his new girl, etc. take into account all the great advice and good points from all the posters (thx guys!).
california15 Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Like D-lish said, You're brave. Definitely have to be a strong person, and I already caved the first time I saw him afterwards. I think in the moment you'll know what to do. If you talk to him, don't offer any personal information about yourself, what you're up to, your friends, plans etc. Thats none of his business. Why is he going to introduce you guys? Is he a nice guy who wants to introduce you guys to take the awkwardness away or is he a douche bag that wants to rub it in your face? Because that affects the approach to the introduction.
Chi townD Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 You need to act that the fact that he's there doesn't bother you at all. Think to yourself, he's her problem now not yours! Have fun! Let him see you having fun! Let it be uncomfortable for him! not you! And if he has the balls enough to introduce you to her be nice and like Hey!! Whatever!! Hell, push it farther! " Wow girl! You look tired! Does he still snore? Hell, anytime we had sex, I swear I had to get ear plugs or else I was in for one sleepless night! Oh he doesn't snore with you?...huh...." Okay....don't say that...I'm feeling vindictive today......just act like him being there doesn't bother you in the least.
Author shortee143 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Well, met her! He was inside, she was outside when I got to the party. So she introduced herself, so I said hi and smiled and walked inside....didnt say anything to him really, I dont want to at this point, I have no respect for him and there is to much hurt etc. But I was proud of myself, as where my friends. I was at the party just a short time, but was told I was brave, I didnt look awkward, etc. But I can say, I was not as upset as expected. It will be a process every time I see them, but I will get thru it! I am realizing more and more I cant stomach him anymore, which is great!!! I figured I'd cry my eyes out, but nope. It hurt like heck, but I held my own. thanks again all for the support. Now I did this...sadly I'll be seeing a lot of her/them
california15 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Hey thats great! It sounds like it went better than you thought. Proud of you! Thanks for sharing
smudge21 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 You did so well. You should feel proud of yourself. Whatever you normally do to celebrate, do it now. You deserve some kind of reward, a way to make yourself feel good. For what it's worth, I think you handled that perfectly. Well done.
Author shortee143 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 thank you! The advice and encouraging words totally brought a smile to my face. Glad we all can help each other out
melenkurion Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Well done! I still couldn't do this. You should be very proud of how well you have handled this.
radiodarcy Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Well, met her! He was inside, she was outside when I got to the party. So she introduced herself, so I said hi and smiled and walked inside....didnt say anything to him really, I dont want to at this point, I have no respect for him and there is to much hurt etc. But I was proud of myself, as where my friends. I was at the party just a short time, but was told I was brave, I didnt look awkward, etc. But I can say, I was not as upset as expected. It will be a process every time I see them, but I will get thru it! I am realizing more and more I cant stomach him anymore, which is great!!! I figured I'd cry my eyes out, but nope. It hurt like heck, but I held my own. thanks again all for the support. Now I did this...sadly I'll be seeing a lot of her/them good for you Shortee! now you know that even though it may not be pleasant, that you can handle being around them and hold your own and over time, it will get easier. i wish i was as brave as you are. i don't think i could have held it together the way you did.
Chi townD Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Awesome job! I know that, that get together was probably the last place on earth you wanted to be at, but you held your head up high and got through it. And in the process, you got major respect points from all of your friends! Also, you let your Ex know that his presence didn't bother you in the least. You didn't give him the satisfaction of thinking, " Poor girl, she can't function without me." horse crap. Quick question though. Did the new girlfriend know who you were or was she just trying to be friendly?
Author shortee143 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 thank you melon! It is def not something we all have do, as in be around the ex a lot, and their new partner. But since I am in that situation I am doing the best I can, I just wish he would realize that is takes a lot of strength to do this, and it isnt easy. but hey why would he think of anyone but himself! hah thank you radiodarcy- as we have mentioned, we have lots of similarities in terms of what we went thru. I am sure we could all find that inner bravery if need be, and in my case, I have to. I want to continue to enjoy things with my friends, and I know i deserve better. It all hurts like HELL, but what is that saying..."if ur going thru hell, keep goin". It has taking 5 months, but i am finally on the real road to healing, it just clicked after hearing and seeing so much the last few months with him, he is not the guy I knew him to be, and in fact, kinda disgusts me now! thanks chi town! You kno what, it is a good question. I THINK she knows who I am, but I am not positive at this point. I mean, if she doesnt, she will for sure soon!! Its hard bc I have nothing against her..I just hope it doesnt get ugly aka she tries to rub it all in my face that she has him. I hope her and I can keep a mutual respect, that is all I ask. Now him...no respect for him right now, but her...she is not at fault. But just between comments by others around her at the party (like omg ur here, does he know ur here, etc) which she heard, I think she figured it out. But like I said, if not, she will. thank you all for this support- it has been so helpful and kind!
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