Tasha49 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I was at work today and during lunch my good friend/co-worker told me she needed an honest opinion. I told her no problem. She told me that last night her bf took her to a really expensive, fancy restaurant. A while into dinner they got into discussing how well their relationship was going. She then randomly asked him what he didn't like about her. She told him to tell the truth because she wanted to work on it if there was something he did not like. He wouldn't at first and said she was perfect. But she kept hassling him about it and told him not to be afraid because anything he said she would look at from his angle and not get mad. Long story short... he said: She never initiated sex and he felt like she didn't show her sexual side enough. She was too nice sometimes She doesn't have enough friends Whenever he could tell something was bothering her she would just say it is nothing. And he felt that their communication was too closed off. She never knows how to say no to someone (similar to the too nice thing) Long story short, she got pissed off and was grumpy the rest of the night. He had said sorry but she wanted the truth. He said he loves her to no end though and none of the things were that big of a deal. So my friend asked me if I felt like she had a right to be mad. I thought about it but instantly lied. I told her that he should not have said anything. But I can't help but to think that no, she did NOT have the right to be angry and all pissy with him. She was the one to tell him not to be afraid of being honest. Maybe she wasn't ready for his honesty but I mean come on, she asked for it. I feel like a bad friend for lying, but I didn't want her to be mad with MY honest answer too. Now he's crawling all over her to apologize but she is still "livid." So who was really wrong here? And... can honesty go too far in a relationship?
Professor X Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 You know she was wrong to be mad at him... She pushed him and pushed him and pushed him until he caved. Moreover, she said she won't get mad, but she did.
westrock Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 He wouldn't at first and said she was perfect. But she kept hassling him about it and told him not to be afraid because anything he said she would look at from his angle and not get mad. So my friend asked me if I felt like she had a right to be mad. I thought about it but instantly lied. I told her that he should not have said anything. Tasha49, in one sense you are correct in what you told her. He should not have said anything and that is exactly what he initially did when he wouldn't at first answer her and said she was perfect. He tried to resist the topic, but, it was her hassling of him etc, telling him not to be afraid, that she will look at it from his perspective, and that she won't get mad. What's a guy supposed to do in that situation? He could have still refused, but then he would have been labelled as close minded and non-communicative. Based on what she said to get him to answer, most guys would go ahead and answer the question on the understanding it is part of healthy communication, the answer was requested, and it will improve the relationship. But, if anything she was the one who was lying first to herself and then to him.
Author Tasha49 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Tasha49, in one sense you are correct in what you told her. He should not have said anything and that is exactly what he initially did when he wouldn't at first answer her and said she was perfect. He tried to resist the topic, but, it was her hassling of him etc, telling him not to be afraid, that she will look at it from his perspective, and that she won't get mad. What's a guy supposed to do in that situation? He could have still refused, but then he would have been labelled as close minded and non-communicative. Based on what she said to get him to answer, most guys would go ahead and answer the question on the understanding it is part of healthy communication, the answer was requested, and it will improve the relationship. But, if anything she was the one who was lying first to herself and then to him. Oh, this is exactly how I see it as well trust me. I just blurted out the first thijg I could in order to make her feel better. But I think she is lying to herself if she sees a reason to be mad. Because she was the one pestering him about it and the only reason she got mad was because he ended up having a few dislikes. Perhaps she had expected none so she was ultimately unprepared for his answers. And that is not fair of her to get mad at him for being honest. She said she would be willing to fix where things could be fixed. So basically she took that back. I really want to tell her that she should not be mad at all because she pushed him. I want to tell her to "see it from his angle" like she said she would. I care about her and so I want to help her see rationally so she can fix this with him. He must think she is crazy in the head now lol. Should I stay out of it?
LoveandSuch Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Tasha, was this your break up date? Curious. The list mentioned was not too horrible, nothing he mentioned was a personal attack or cannot be worked on. That is a positive. She/you asked and he could of lied, but was honest. In order to fix relationships, you have to throw the problems out and work on them, not avoid them, and pretend the issues are not there.
Author Tasha49 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Tasha, was this your break up date? Curious. The list mentioned was not too horrible, nothing he mentioned was a personal attack or cannot be worked on. That is a positive. She/you asked and he could of lied, but was honest. In order to fix relationships, you have to throw the problems out and work on them, not avoid them, and pretend the issues are not there. Hahaha no!! I would not go to dinner with him now, since I ended it =\ This was actually a conversation with my friend.
Author Tasha49 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 You did end it?! Yay! I did (on the phone) but it went terrible. Short version: He got really quiet when I told him this time I meant it. Then when he started to talk he was all sniffles and sobs. He asked what if he wants a relationship just to keep me. I asked if he really wanted that. He said no but if it makes me happy. I stalled a bit. But then told him eventually that it still won't work because now I'll be the happy one and he'll be the unhappy one. I will not lie though... I REALLY have a hard time walking away from him saying that. Baby steps, baby steps...
thatone Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 why do you want to be friends with terrible people?
Author Tasha49 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 why do you want to be friends with terrible people? Hey I like my friends. She is a good friend to me. What happens in her personal life does not affect us.
somedude81 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I He wouldn't at first and said she was perfect. But she kept hassling him about it and told him not to be afraid because anything he said she would look at from his angle and not get mad. Long story short, she got pissed off and was grumpy the rest of the night. Ugh! Why are women so complicated? Why all the stupid game playing?
oldguy Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 She never initiated sex and he felt like she didn't show her sexual side enough. She was too nice sometimes She doesn't have enough friends Whenever he could tell something was bothering her she would just say it is nothing. And he felt that their communication was too closed off. She never knows how to say no to someone (similar to the too nice thing) Does your friend suffers from depression?
LexiB Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I was at work today and during lunch my good friend/co-worker told me she needed an honest opinion. I told her no problem. She told me that last night her bf took her to a really expensive, fancy restaurant. A while into dinner they got into discussing how well their relationship was going. She then randomly asked him what he didn't like about her. She told him to tell the truth because she wanted to work on it if there was something he did not like. He wouldn't at first and said she was perfect. But she kept hassling him about it and told him not to be afraid because anything he said she would look at from his angle and not get mad. Long story short... he said: She never initiated sex and he felt like she didn't show her sexual side enough. She was too nice sometimes She doesn't have enough friends Whenever he could tell something was bothering her she would just say it is nothing. And he felt that their communication was too closed off. She never knows how to say no to someone (similar to the too nice thing) Long story short, she got pissed off and was grumpy the rest of the night. He had said sorry but she wanted the truth. He said he loves her to no end though and none of the things were that big of a deal. So my friend asked me if I felt like she had a right to be mad. I thought about it but instantly lied. I told her that he should not have said anything. But I can't help but to think that no, she did NOT have the right to be angry and all pissy with him. She was the one to tell him not to be afraid of being honest. Maybe she wasn't ready for his honesty but I mean come on, she asked for it. I feel like a bad friend for lying, but I didn't want her to be mad with MY honest answer too. Now he's crawling all over her to apologize but she is still "livid." So who was really wrong here? And... can honesty go too far in a relationship? Aside from maybe the not having enough friends comment, what he said isn't even all that bad. There's a thread on here where the op's bf admitted he wasn't even that attracted to her when they first met. Now that's honesty. In any event, she ASKED for this and PUSHED for it after he declined. She has no right to be "livid" with him. That's bratty, irrational behavior and you perpetuated it by letting her think she has a leg to stand on. For the sake of her personal growth, you need to call her out on the bs.
Kelemort Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 She outright lied. I presume she wanted to hear, "You're the best girlfriend ever, I have no complaints," or maybe one very minor issue...rather than a few of them. But, I'd stay out of it. No matter what, it's between the two of them. I wouldn't go to her and 'correct' myself.
zengirl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 She told me that last night her bf took her to a really expensive, fancy restaurant. A while into dinner they got into discussing how well their relationship was going. She then randomly asked him what he didn't like about her. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO! Why do girls do this? (Some guys do too, but let's admit, it's a mostly female communication style.) Why would you say to the guy you want to build love and trust and affection with, "Hey sit down and think of all the problems we have/could potentially have?" If I tell you "Think about a cow," you will think about a cow whether you want to or not, whether you would ever have imagined a cow or not. . . that's just the way the mind works. So when you say, "Tell me what you don't like about me," he's going to think of things, even if he'd never otherwise think of them. You're essentially creating problems. Plus it's a lie and a trap. But we'll get to that later. She told him to tell the truth because she wanted to work on it if there was something he did not like. Liar, liar, liar. And what kind of insecurity makes you want to ask someone how you should randomly alter yourself out of the blue. I'm not saying don't adapt and grow when there's a problem, but this is way more twisted than that. Not that she had any intention to "work on it" but if she did? Ew. If a problem comes up and is a genuine problem, that's one thing. If she can see something to work on to make her relationship more smooth, that's fine too. But asking someone to direct how you change? Gross. He wouldn't at first and said she was perfect. Very smart man. Oh, poor boy, I feel sorry for you. But she kept hassling him about it and told him not to be afraid because anything he said she would look at from his angle and not get mad. She lies, she lies. I hope the first thing he said was, "Well, apparently, sometimes you hassle me incessantly about telling you bad things and try to trick me into letting you get mad at me. Do you feel like being mad today?" That's what I would've said. Long story short... he said: She never initiated sex and he felt like she didn't show her sexual side enough. She was too nice sometimes She doesn't have enough friends Whenever he could tell something was bothering her she would just say it is nothing. And he felt that their communication was too closed off. She never knows how to say no to someone (similar to the too nice thing) None of these are particularly mean. Or a big deal in a relationship, really. Long story short, she got pissed off and was grumpy the rest of the night. He had said sorry but she wanted the truth. He said he loves her to no end though and none of the things were that big of a deal. She just wanted to get mad at him. Or she wanted validation and to hear how perfect she was. Either way, problem is hers. The guy did nothing wrong. She pushed him into it, lied to him, and he should never have even had to say "Sorry."
ascendotum Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) Now he's crawling all over her to apologize but she is still "livid." So who was really wrong here? And... can honesty go too far in a relationship? I've fallen for this. He said sorry once and that's enough. She is wrong here no two ways about it in my opinion. He should check himself an snap out of the groveling and realise he got sucker punched and freeze her out till she realises she got what she wanted, the truth, but she can't handle it. She doesn't believe in self improvment? What would she prefer that they do not grow as better partners in their relationship, that she bites her tougue over issues/shortcominings with him that bug her, and that he silently continue to be frustrated over certain behaviours of hers. Some issues can lead to resentment over time. I thought women loved honest heart to heart communication with their SO. As for your last question, yes definitely sometimes you can go to far, but I don't think he did in the situation as outlined in your post. Wasn't there a thread here a few days ago, from some woman complaining that her bf admitted he was not totally into her physically and finds a lot of other women more attractive, but still really loves her. That was considered a little too honest in some peoples books. Edited August 18, 2011 by ascendotum
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