nyrias Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. She hasn't volunteered any details, he uncovered her affair on his own. As I said, the chance that he has found all the details from his own investigation is remote, and she hasn't filled in enough missing pieces to allay his fears that she screwed OM. In this case I appreciate his doubt and suspicions because where there's smoke there's often fire. Over a thousand texts & 300 calls in one month is pretty hard to chalk up to "small talk" for anyone over 18. Since he stated that he would leave her if he found out she had sex with OM then I can easily see her doing everything she can to hide that from him. The other thing that refuse to acknowledge - or maybe you just don't understand - is the lying nature of a cheater. Cheaters will only tell their spouses what they HAVE to tell them and not one thing more. Even the ones that supposedly "come clean" are likely hiding something, and they only came clean because the BS had decided to end the relationship. The likelihood that she is lying about the full details is very, very high. See that is why the whole thing is so tough on the BS. Even if the WS is telling the truth (which i agree is prob not likely), there is no way to know or verify. So the BS won't trust the WS even if he/she is telling the truth. Since the WS knows that, he may as well lie. Edited August 21, 2011 by nyrias
John Michael Kane Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Most of your posts are not about helping anyone anyway. Untrue and off-topic.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I have access to her phone records online and there have been no calls or texts since I confronted her. I also told her that I am getting access to the content of her text messages (which I really can’t get) and told her that if I find anything in those messages that she has not previously told me about then there is no way I can stay in the marriage. Because of this, she has told me about many of the messages, what was flirty and what the context of the messages were. Even with the threat of me getting the text records, she is still saying that things were not sexual and that when I read the messages I will see that. She has not been defensive or argumentative, she admits that what she did was wrong and inappropriate and that she now realizes how out of hand it got, she knew it was a lot, but says she had no idea how much. She said that she is fine with not communicating with him anymore and that our kids cannot be friends anymore (which wasn’t a close relationship anyway). Where did the 1000 text messages go? My old phone from 2004 can store 10,000+. It bothers me a bit that she is being so conciliatory. Does that fit her personality? It strikes me that most women in her situation would act royally pissed that you didn't trust them. Unless of course she is blatantly guilty and hiding something deeper, which she doesn't want you digging around after. Catch my thinking? I personally don't understand why the OP is going on about whether it became physical or not. Does that really make a difference? She HAD an affair regardless. Is that OK so long as there was no penetration? It isn't in my mind. Is this just a male ego thing? Maybe yes, maybe no... Who are you to decide that for him? If I was in his situation I can assure you I would be wracked by the same questions. My goal is to make the right decision (but not sure what that is) – I do not have my mind set on reconciliation or divorce yet. The only real fact that I have is that there is an unbelievable amount of calls and texts and that it is all within the past month or so – not a long term situation. If it was just a lack of judgment and it really was just a lot of calls and text (even if somewhat flirty) and it did not progress to a PA we can probably work through that and I would want to put in the effort to save our marriage and family. However, if it was a PA too I would not want to work on the marriage and would look to a divorce. To me, that is just a much higher level of betrayal. So, without having any proof of a PA and not knowing if she is lying now or not – do I assume the worst and file for divorce or do I deal with it as just a short term EA? Does anyone have experiences where an EA that did not develop into a PA? Does the fact that she was in an EA mean she will do it again (once a cheater always a cheater theory)? Again, she says that it was an addiction not an EA, but that just may be semantics. You can't take someone else's story and apply it to yours. That can't take the place of the truth. Truth is what you need right now. My suggestion is to just have her take a polygraph test... and just promise to abide by the results.
nyrias Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Untrue and off-topic. Like you know what the truth is. As if your posts are not "untrue" and "off-topic". Do you actually know the meanings of English words?
John Michael Kane Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Like you know what the truth is. As if your posts are not "untrue" and "off-topic". Do you actually know the meanings of English words? State what you want about my posts, but this isn't helping OP. It's off-topic.
nyrias Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 State what you want about my posts, but this isn't helping OP. It's off-topic. Sure, i will. This is the internet. You cannot stop me from doing so, anyway. Is this "State what you want about my posts, but this isn't helping OP. It's off-topic" post helping? Is it off-topic? Casting stones in a glass house fun, uh? You know what "hypocritical" means? It is extra funny when you are accusing people of not helping and off-topic.
John Michael Kane Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Sure, i will. This is the internet. You cannot stop me from doing so, anyway. Nobody is trying to but it's obviously a waste of time. Is this "State what you want about my posts, but this isn't helping OP. It's off-topic" post helping? Is it off-topic? Exactly, your posts are off-topic. Casting stones in a glass house fun, uh? You know what "hypocritical" means? It is extra funny when you are accusing people of not helping and off-topic. And you're just going around in circles just for the sake of it.
Owl Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Nobody is trying to but it's obviously a waste of time. Exactly, your posts are off-topic. And you're just going around in circles just for the sake of it. Off topic, and not helpful to the OP. Ian- I hope you're still out there my friend. What's your plan, your method for getting to the truth of the matter? What steps are you taking to find out what that is, and how are you going to verify the truth when/if you feel you have it?
Author Ian42 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 We have continued to talk about the situation and every answer I get from her I dissect it, compare it to other comments and facts that I have and then turn it around and ask her more detailed questions and question her when things don’t makes sense with the big picture. Either she is a really good liar or she is telling the truth – I have been trying to trip her up, come at the issues from different angles and point out when her story doesn’t make sense and she has always stuck to the same story line and when something doesn’t fit she has responses that explain it. And, based on her expressions and reactions to my cross examination, she does not seem to be acting the way she would if she were caught in a lie – she is calm, thoughtful and is not getting angry at all. As I have said, she does agree that the relationship was inappropriate and that she did hide it from me for the most part but she is very remorseful and is working hard to make things better. She suggested that she go to counseling (and the both of us when appropriate) to deal with “her” issues. She said this brought to light some issues that she has often felt she had regarding insecurity, need for attention, etc. She said that during this time she knew I wouldn’t like what she was doing and that it was inappropriate, but that she just never thought to stop…..she just like the attention. So, for now we are taking it one day at a time, keeping the lines of communication open and I am still watching and digging for more, but I think I have all she is going to tell me. Not that she is refusing more; it is just that she keeps telling me the same thing (from different angles) and says there is nothing else to tell. One correction regarding my original post – as I was looking at the phone records again this weekend it was not 300 calls that were made – it was 300 minutes talking in a month (only 34 calls). I know it doesn’t change things much, but that is a significant difference (there still were 1,000 texts).
nyrias Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Nobody is trying to but it's obviously a waste of time. Exactly, your posts are off-topic. And you're just going around in circles just for the sake of it. And your posts are off-topic too. And i am going around in circle just for the sake of showing everyone you are the same. Free feel to stop and prove me wrong.
John Michael Kane Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Off topic, and not helpful to the OP. Exactly.....
John Michael Kane Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 And your posts are off-topic too. And i am going around in circle just for the sake of showing everyone you are the same. Free feel to stop and prove me wrong. Off-topic.
nyrias Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Off-topic. ahahahahahhahha .. and you keep posting "off-topic" off topic posts. You are like a robot, just can't stop responding to simple stimulus. Keep going. I am rooting for you. You won't be able to stop posting useless posts until the count of 100000. Don't think you can prove me wrong. Keep going .... keep going ....
John Michael Kane Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 ahahahahahhahha .. and you keep posting "off-topic" off topic posts. You are like a robot, just can't stop responding to simple stimulus. Keep going. I am rooting for you. You won't be able to stop posting useless posts until the count of 100000. Don't think you can prove me wrong. Keep going .... keep going .... Off-topic, not doing anything to help OP.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Good job Ian. Honestly, it's stressful.
nyrias Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Off-topic, not doing anything to help OP. Off-topic, not doing anything to help OP. AND .. falling into my trap. More? At least i am less repetitive. Do you have anything NEW to say?
John Michael Kane Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Off-topic, not doing anything to help OP. AND .. falling into my trap. More? At least i am less repetitive. Do you have anything NEW to say? Off-topic and it's not helping OP.
nyrias Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Off-topic and it's not helping OP. Wow .. i think you are like a parrot. You just wait by your computer to type "Off-topic and it's not helping OP"???? hahahhaa .. do it 100 more times and you earn a worm. I predict you will say "Off-topic and it's not helping OP" again. Prove me wrong!
John Michael Kane Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 Wow .. i think you are like a parrot. You just wait by your computer to type "Off-topic and it's not helping OP"???? hahahhaa .. do it 100 more times and you earn a worm. I predict you will say "Off-topic and it's not helping OP" again. Prove me wrong! ^ Again this is not helping OP.
Steadfast Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Let's jump back to this question: I understand that EA’s do develop into a PA’s, and it is possible that this could have given time, but since I caught it early it may not have gotten that far yet…..should that factor into my decision – do I assume it would have developed into a PA if I had not caught on therefore file for divorce? Regardless of whether she "EA'd" or "PA'd" the critical point here is how long do you want to keep checking and catching? See, regardless of what happens to your marriage, you probably recognize your own faults and weaknesses much more clearly. If the problem is her needing a deeper, more intimate portion of you, that's in your control. Ask yourself what could you do...what should you do? If you've been unloving, it'll be next to impossible to see it with any clarity. Then again, who of us is perfect? These are complicated issues that can be cleared up with a simple question: does she love you? Loving spouses do not cheat. Some (bored) spouses may flirt or play from the sidelines, but the smart ones recognize the dangers and have a good grasp on the long-range picture. Love is the key, and a certain awareness/respect for the other spouse's feelings. Auto-pilot in a marriage is certain death. You have to work at it. You have to love. Be honest: is there love from both sides? That'll determine your direction.
Calif_hope Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 JMK NOTICE: This post if OFF TOPIC so you don't need to post a response saying what was already agreed, this if OFF TOPIC. But I don't think you will be able to help yourself, I can guess some deep down urge is going to require that you post something, an unnecessary response, a childish posting, the urge for the last word, or the need to sidetrack a thread with your brilliance and need to debate. You have been a member (at least with the JMK name, bet you were kicked off under a different handle) for just four months - over a thousand posts already, averaging 10 per day. Do you live in your mothers basement and troll boards all day, posting your minature manafestos. Just Odd. I ask that you respect the process, enage with the orginal poster, not the others, this is not a debate board, nor a IM or Chat room so please respect the process and respect the orginal poster. I believe you may need professional help.....your behavior is not of a 26 year old man.......consider that.......at times your rants with other members seem so Jr. High. JMK, this is how we help IAN42 with this post, this thread is about IAN42, its not about you and your need to "up one" everyone.......I don't understnd the satisfaction you get out of this....
John Michael Kane Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 JMK NOTICE: This post if OFF TOPIC so you don't need to post a response saying what was already agreed, this if OFF TOPIC. But I don't think you will be able to help yourself, I can guess some deep down urge is going to require that you post something, an unnecessary response, a childish posting, the urge for the last word, or the need to sidetrack a thread with your brilliance and need to debate. You have been a member (at least with the JMK name, bet you were kicked off under a different handle) for just four months - over a thousand posts already, averaging 10 per day. Do you live in your mothers basement and troll boards all day, posting your minature manafestos. Just Odd. I ask that you respect the process, enage with the orginal poster, not the others, this is not a debate board, nor a IM or Chat room so please respect the process and respect the orginal poster. I believe you may need professional help.....your behavior is not of a 26 year old man.......consider that.......at times your rants with other members seem so Jr. High. JMK, this is how we help IAN42 with this post, this thread is about IAN42, its not about you and your need to "up one" everyone.......I don't understnd the satisfaction you get out of this.... Off-topic post. This does not help OP.
Calif_hope Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Just knew you couldn't help yourself, just had to do it didn't you. Odd, but my money was on your disfunction and juvenile behavior. I am $50 bucks richer and now hold two (good seats) Giants tickets!!!!!!! I knew it was sure thing!!
John Michael Kane Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Just knew you couldn't help yourself, just had to do it didn't you. Odd, but my money was on your disfunction and juvenile behavior. I am $50 bucks richer and now hold two (good seats) Giants tickets!!!!!!! I knew it was sure thing!! I must be honest and state that the only one who's being juvenile is you. My "style" of posting has absolutely nothing to do with OP's situation.
Owl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 I must be honest and state that the only one who's being juvenile is you. My "style" of posting has absolutely nothing to do with OP's situation. Off topic and does not help the OP.
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